Chapter Twelve

"Hi guys. What do we have?"

"Perhaps it would be best to start with what you've recalled?"

"That bad, huh? I don't have much either, just the memory of Spiran saying something about a contingency plan."

"Splendid! And that plan is?"

"Contingent?"

"Buffy..."

"I'm sorry Giles, but unless I make something up, that's it."

"Hey don't feel bad Buffster, you're still way ahead of us."

"Why doesn't that make me feel better?"

Giles had his glasses off and his handkerchief out:

"Well this certainly isn't the treasure trove of information we so desperately need."

They stood silently until Willow piped up:

"Come on guys, it's not the end of the world. At least not yet anyway."

"Maybe not for you, but just the thought of having to do more research..."

"C'mon Xander, are we going to let some musty old tomes get the best of us? No we are not, for we are the Scooby Gang! We'll just hit those books until..."

"Pummel."

"Uh right Buff, pummel is a much better word for sure. So we're just going to go back and pummel those books until they..."

"No, I mean they said they were going to ‘pummel the Hellmouth'."

"Buffy? I'm afraid I don't quite understand. Perhaps you could explain how it makes sense that they are going ‘pummel' the ..."

"Hey, maybe that said ‘pommel'? Buffy, did they say, ‘pommel"? Xander and I have discovered they have lots of uses and..."

"No not ‘pummel'...it was ‘tunnel'."

"Of course, they're going to ‘tunnel' the Hellmouth! How could we have been so blind? It's so obvious and...Okay, I don't get it."

"Nor do I Xander. I fail to ascertain..."

"No...it wasn't ‘tunnel'...It was something else."

"Well was it ‘irritating' because this sure is. Weren't you and Faith supposed to do this on your own last night? If you'd done that, we wouldn't all have to be annoyed by..."

"An, nobody said it'd be a piece of cake so..."

"That's it!"

"She didn't mean anything Buff."

"They said ‘funnel'!"

"'Funnel'? And Xander's mention of ease made you..."

"No, it was the mention of cake that..."

"Ooh you mean that cake we get every year at the fair?"

"That's the one, Will. They definitely said ‘funnel'."

"Of course, they're going to ‘funnel cake' the Hellmouth! How could we have been so blind? It's so obvious...Nope, still don't get it."

"Giles, does it make any sense to you?"

His glasses were off and dangling loosely from his hand.

"Possibly...Buffy, do you perchance recall hearing the term, 'Covalent Dispersal'?"

"...Yes...no...maybe...I don't know. It seems familiar somehow, but it's all kind of fuzzy and mixed-up too."

"Well we know time is growing short and his inability to break you, and now even find you, has to be...But my God, to take such a risk..."

They all stood there watching him think, and Buffy's impatience grew.

"Hello? Earth to Giles, do you copy?"

"Pardon?"

"Wanna share our only maybe lead?"

"Oh yes, of course. A bit lost there in thought for a moment. All right, as I'm sure you all know, the very term ‘Covalent Dispersal' is an almost perfect oxymoron, if one were so disposed to affix such labels. Most certainly, its antecedents are strongly immersed, if not outright..."

Buffy's irritation was obvious:

"Giles, you're talking to us. We need it explained in stupid talk."

"Yes well, ‘Covalent Dispersal' is quite the scientific impossibility. The two words are almost exact opposites in a way."

"But we're still with the worried because?"

"It's believed possible through the use of magic."

"Just believed?"

"But therein lies the worry, Buffy. There are very few individuals powerful enough to even risk performing the ritual. It can only be done at a very specific time, and the execution requires a precision far beyond the capabilities of most everyone. In point of fact, it's only been done once in recorded history."

The look on Buffy's face was not a happy one:

"And Spiran's powerful enough to do it? He can perform this ritual of...'Coherent Dispensation'?"

"'Covalent Dispersal', and no he cannot."

"Hey check out Giles, bringing the good news!"

"I'm afraid the news is not good at all, Xander."

"Yeah, but you just said Spiran can't..."

"But I'll bet The Brothers can."

"Quite right Willow, they most definitely can."

"Geez, so much for the new and improved Giles."

"Well isn't this just great?"

"While not the best of news, at least we've solved the mystery of why Spiran needed the Brothers. They were his back-up plan in the event that anything should go amiss."

"And I'm guessing the raising of a barrier, along with the most stubborn Slayer in history, kind of falls under the heading of ‘World's Biggest Amisses'?"

"Yes Xander, I'd say we've bollocksed things up quite nicely."

"But doesn't this mean the whole barrier thing was for nothing? We were trying to stop him from opening the Hellmouth, but now he can just do it from in here anyway?"

"Perhaps, but even if he succeeds, the Hellmouth shall remain contained inside the barrier."

"Okay, and I'd be jumping for joy if you didn't have some major ‘But face' going on."

"Yes...well..."

"Giles, just say it."

"The barrier is going to collapse under the immense pressure."

"Boy, this just keeps getting better and better."

Giles began pacing as he thought through all their options:

"We can however, slow down the process."

"Okay. And how do we do that exactly?"

"Willow, you will need to vigorously maintain and support the barrier whilst we ascertain a way to reseal the Hellmouth."

"I will?"

"Yes, but not to worry. It's certainly not at all beyond your capabilities. I believe you to be much stronger then even The Brothers, so at least we've that in our favor."

"Yeah, that's great. But...um...Giles?"

"Yes?"

"Um...Do I...I mean...I...Is it..."

"My apologies Willow, but I'm not sure what it is that you're asking."

Anya let out an exasperated sigh:

"For crying out loud Giles, she wants to know if she'll be required to use dark magicks!"

"Oh."

"And it's a darn fine question if you ask me because if she loses control again, she's probably going to kill us all this time."

"Anya's right, I'm not sure if I should be..."

"I seriously doubt what you need do will endanger any of us."

Anya wasn't appeased in the slightest.

"No offense Willow, but I think we should talk about this a little bit more. It wasn't that long ago when she was tossing us all around like rag dolls while she tried to destroy the world and my business."

"An..."

"No Xander, she's right. Giles, at a certain point I'm going to have to battle them directly, right?"

"Most likely there will be a direct altercation somewhere down the line, but I promise you Willow, we shall ask nothing of you that will cause you to lose control."

"...Are you sure?"

"I am. But you are a good deal stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I've no doubt you can harness your power. Still, perhaps we should ring the coven and..."

"No. If you're sure, that's good enough for me. I'm in."

"It will be all right Willow, and I shall monitor you every step of the way."

"Xander, will you be able to come up with another crayon story if we need one?"

"Don't worry honey, I've got millions."

"You do?"

"Yep."

Anya began smiling as she looked at him:

"You're so cute."

"And you're beautiful."

"Okay people, could we speed this up? Xander and I need to go have...love."

"My, isn't that just a lovely image?"

"Sorry Giles. Honey, we talked about this, remember?"

"Of course I remember, that's why I didn't say...s...e...x."

"Right. Okay, in that case, nice job."

"Thank you...Now can we go?"

"Shhh, still in the very important meeting."

"Oh all right, I'll wait. But let's get it moving."

Buffy shook her head as she tried to get back to business:

"Giles, if the Hellmouth opens in here..."

"It won't be at full force right away, although it will still be most unpleasant."

"Then Faith and I are voting to stop them before they get it open."

Giles blew out a frustrated breath, running his hand through his hair:

"Yes that would be ideal, but I'm not at all sure we can prevent that occurrence from happening. I'm sorry, but at this point I hesitate to even speculate as to what we might be able to do. I'm afraid I'm woefully lacking in all the requisite details."

"Geez Buffster, wanna lay off? You know what a slacker he is."

"Wow, and to think he was my educational role model in high school."

‘Hey guys, do you think it's too late for me to request another Watcher? I need one who actually knows stuff and is prepared to help me out. I'm sorry Giles, but I just can't keep carrying you."

"Yes fine, you three all have a go. Rest assured I shall know what we're dealing with come tomorrow's meeting."

"Okay but if you're not ready by then, I'll have to deduct half a letter grade from your final score. Sorry but it's in the Slayer handbook, at least that's the rumor."

"Strangely the words, ‘sod off' keep running through my mind."

Buffy laughed as she watched Giles struggling to keep the smile from his face.

"But you wouldn't say that to me, would you? I'm your cheeky charge, your cute, lovable, and way plucky Slayer."

"Oh, do shut up."

They all laughed then, the tension of another impending apocalypse lessening to a familiar and bearable level.

"Does anyone have anything else to add? If not, might I suggest..."

Buffy suddenly shouted out:

"No, wait! Spiran has some sort of force field protection thingy around him, and we have no idea how to..."

"I read about this! It's called a ‘Reflectus' spell, and it's no big deal. If I was in there, I ould tear that sucker down in like five seconds......Of course, I'm not in there."

"Which then makes it a big deal. Faith's just dying to kill him, a sentiment I way support, by the way. I remember throwing a stake at him, but it just bounced right off."

"That's exactly what it did, only not at all."

"Wow, thanks so much for the clear-up, Will."

"I'm just saying it didn't bounce, so much as veer away from him."

"Well in this case, isn't veering pretty much the same as bouncing? No matter what we call it, it means we can't get anywhere near him."

"That's right, only completely wrong."

"Will, a little more of the sense talking please."

"The stake couldn't get near him because it's a thing. But the spell only works on objects and certain spells."

"So people can get to him?"

"Right, only they can't."

"I see...Hey, could somebody smack Willow for me?"

Willow looked shocked:

"Me?! What did I do?"

"You're confusing me!"

Giles stepped forward:

"Willow, perhaps I should explain from here?"

"...Fine, be my guest."

"Er...yes. Well you see Buffy..."

Willow began muttering rather loudly to herself:"I mean, why should it matter that I'm the one who found the info in the first place? I don't remember seeing anyone else still awake, but oh no please, you guys go right ahead and..."

"Willow please, if you don't mind?"

"Fine, being quiet girl now."

"Yes, well as I was saying...It seems very likely that either you or Faith will be able to force a stake through the spell's perimeter. The trick is that you must be holding onto it at the time."

"And that's because?"

"BecauseyouguysareSlayersandstrongerthanregularpeoplevampiresandmostdemons!!!"

All eyes stared at Willow.

"Sorry."

"Boy Will, you sure wanted to get that out."

"Like you've never wanted to say something first."

"Well at least you didn't fall down and start kicking and screaming. Remember that time in third grade when you..."

"Shut up!"

"Yes honey, this sounds like one of your potential ‘save the world' stories. Don't waste it, we'll probably need it soon."

"Back to your question Buffy. As with everything associated with this blasted situation, we're not one hundred percent sure. All we have to offer you is our best, somewhat educated guess."

"Well hey, it's worth a try. And trust me, we won't mind at all if we have to kill him with our bare hands. It's just good to know he's not invincible."

"He's not, Buff. He's totally of the vincible...which I know from my late night research."

"And that's definitely news of the good. Okay before I go, Dawnie what's up with the no talking? Are you guys taking turns at being all avoidy?"

A voice could be heard from somewhere:

"Me?! I've been talking."

"And why are you all back row girl?"

Dawn's head peeked around Xander:

"No reason, just stayin' out of the way."

"Right. Come over here."

"No thanks, I'm good."

"Xander, move so I can see her."

"Sure. I don't know what...OW!"

Dawn now held Xander's arm in a death grip:

"Don't move."

"But Buffy told me to..."

"So? She's not the boss of you."

"Yeah but she's..."

"Be a man, Xander."

"Oh trust me, he's all man. Last night we had...love...for nearly..."

"Not now Anya. Dawnie, you're hurting me."

"Xander?"

"Yeah Buff?"

"I promise you, if you don't move..."

Xander's gulp was audible:

"C'mon, what can I do?"

"You can step aside...now."

"Dawnie, let go!"

"Stand up to her, she's just trying to intimidate you."

"Well it's working."

"She can't do anything to you."

"But she's looking at me!"

"So? She looks at you all the time."

"Yeah with Buffy eyes, but those are Slayer eyes!"

"Don't panic, she's just trying to scare you."

Buffy's voice came out calmly, and that somehow made it all the more frightening:

"Xander?"

"Bu...Buffy?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"Dawnie, please!"

Xander struggled, but couldn't quite pull his arm free.

"I'm going to count to three."

"God, she's counting!"

"One..."

"Don't move Xander."

"Dawn let go, she doesn't do halves!"

"Two..."

Xander did the only thing he could do. He sat down, leaving Dawn fully exposed to Buffy's gaze.

"Dawn Summers! What are you wearing?!"

"Um...clothes?"

"Is that my blue sweater?!"

"What? No, of course not. I...I bought this with my allowance."

"You don't get an allowance anymore. Come over here!"

Dawn took a tiny, almost non-existent step forward.

"Dawn, you'd better...Fine. Xander, bring her here."

"Me?! Why me?!"

"Now!"

"Come on Dawn."

"No."

He sighed, resigned to his fate as he took hold of Dawn's arm:

"Just come along peacefully and nobody gets hu...OW!!!"

"I said, ‘no'."

Xander was hopping around on one foot as he tried to rub his aching shin.

"What'd you do that for?! Are you trying to break my leg?!"

"Oh please, I barely even kicked you."

Giles had seen enough:

"All right then, perhaps we could return to the topic of..."

"Dawn, all I was trying to do was..."

"You were trying to manhandle me over to her."

"Xander?"

"Buffy, what do you want from me? I tried to..."

"Try harder."

"Dawnie, will you just come on? She's getting mad at me!"

"I don't care."

"But Buffy said..."

"God Xander, if she told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"

"You know, that's a very good question. Would you do that Xander? Would you leap to your death like an idiot just because Buffy told you to?"

"Of course not, Anya! Not unless..."

"Dawn Summers, you get over here right this second!"

"Why should I have to just because you're all paranoid?"

"I am not paranoid! You're wearing my...Willow, will you please grab her?"

"Oh I see. I'm not good enough to explain the important stuff, but I'm plenty good enough to provide the muscle."

"...it was necessary to live. Or unless she asked me to."

"Well that makes no sense at all and is easily the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Buffy snorted as she responded:

"'The muscle'? You think you're ‘the muscle', Will?"

"Hey, not exactly ‘The Incredible Hulk' yourself. You're even smaller than me!"

"Well sorry Anya, but it's kind of hard to think smart when I'm in intense pain."

"Uh, Slayer here in case you forgot. All ‘Hulky' without the size and greenness."

"Fine, but that doesn't make you the strongest person...Well okay, yes it does...but that doesn't mean you just get..."

"Intense pain? Xander, are you hurt?"

"My shin is throbbing!"

"Serves you right for grabbing me."

Again Giles attempted to step in:

"Children, might we forgo this rather childish display of immaturity? We do have an..."

"I did not ‘grab' you. I was just..."

"...to laugh at me. I can do strong things sometimes too...What's with the staring?"

"Willow Rosenberg, are those my brand-new earrings?!"

"Are they? Dawnie, you come over here and let Buffy talk to you. Hang on Buff, I'll go get her."

"Don't you ‘Buff' me. And no moving either!"

"...trying to grab you."

"Well I guess you learned your lesson then, Mr. Grabby."

"Xander, will this pain prevent us from having...love...later?"

"All I know is my leg's killing me. See how bad it is, I'm too scared to look."

"Does somebody want to tell me what in the world is going on? Why are you guys even in my room, let alone shopping your way through my stuff?!"

"But you said I could wear these sometime."

"Yeah, after I wore them first!"
"Brace yourself Xander, there is a bump."

"I knew it! Proud of yourself now, Dawnie?"

"Let me see...That's just a mosquito bite!"

"So? Thanks to you it's all itchy now!"

"Goddess Buffy, it's not like there's a law or a rule about borrowing stuff."

"Yes there is! There is clearly a rule that the owner gets to wear whatever first!"

"Well I didn't know anything about the rule, okay?!"

"I can't believe you're making such a big deal about a tiny bug bite."

"That's not the point! You kicked me!"

"What?! That's always been the rule! Everyone in the whole world knows that rule!"

"Maybe they do in ‘Buffy World'."

"So what's next Xander, are you going to bawl like a little girl?"

"Well I hate to tell you, but you're part of ‘Buffy World'."

"Uh no, I don't think so. You're part of ‘Willow World'."

"Giles, will you please tell them they can't touch my stuff?!"

"Yes, now that we've got that all sorted out, perhaps we can turn our attention towards the impending..."

"I'm telling!"

"Go ahead, sissy boy."

"I am not!"

"Are too!"

"I am not! Buffy, your little sister's completely out of control!"

"Oh really? I think I know that! Didn't I just ask you to bring her here?"

"I cannot believe you! You're just a...a big nancy-boy tattletale!"

"I am not! Buffy, Dawn just insulted me in English, then again using English. Make her stop it!"

"Well maybe next time when I ask you to help me with her..."

"And just why is it that Xander has to do your dirty work? It's not fair, and while we're on the subject, stop telling him to jump off of bridges!"

"Okay Buffy, do you really want me to take them off? That seems way more than a little control freaky to me..."

"I never told him to jump off a bridge! I merely asked him politely to help me with Dawn and..."

"He could have been killed or seriously injured!"

"Killed? Anya, I barely even kicked him!"

"...but they are your earrings after all. It's just really hard for me to believe that after everything we've been through, you'd really make me take them off and..."

"Oh my God! Shopping at ‘Guilt-Trips R Us' much?!"

"QUIET!!!"

"Gee Giles, what's with the screaming? Somebody might hear."

"You think so, do you Xander? Well I am not screaming, merely raising my voice in order that it might be heard over the ridiculous cacophony of your puerile squabbling. Here we are, confronted with an incredibly difficult situation of the greatest severity, yet you all choose to squander our precious time with this frivolous bickering. Is it truly necessary to remind any of you that once again the fate of the world rests firmly upon our shoulders?"

They stood silent and chastised with their heads bowed.

"...Now then, I believe Buffy was asking..."

"All I was asking is that they quit stealing my stuff. I don't think it's too much to ask that they stop pawing..."

"'Pawing'?! There was no ‘pawing'! I knew exactly which tops I wanted and..."

"'Tops'?! Did you just say ‘tops'?! As in the plural of ‘top'?!"

"Hey, no ‘pawing' here either! I very delicately, some would even say gracefully, picked out the earrings and..."

"Man, this is like torture! I can't stop scratching...An, am I getting a scab yet?"

"Hold still and let me look."

"Dawn, just how many tops did you steal?!"

"...I also gracefully caught the jewelry box before it hit the floor."

"Nope, you haven't even come close to drawing blood. You know, this reminds me of the time I covered an unfaithful husband's back with itchy welts. I made it impossible for him to scratch them and...Ha, ha, ha! It was so funny, he was completely insane in less than three hours!"

Giles drew himself up to his full height:

"All right then, I'm afraid you've left me no choice."

"I cannot believe you guys! How would you like it if I just waltzed into your rooms and took stuff whenever I felt like it?!"

"Anya, that's not a funny story! It's a horrible...OW! What are you doing?!"

"I'm trying to make you happy!"

"By doing what?!"

"Go ahead and waltz all you want to Buffy. No way am I stupid enough to just leave all my good stuff out in the open."

"And excuse me Ms. Waltzing U.S.A., but that's exactly what you do all the time!"

Buffy looked at Willow as if she were an idiot:

"Well of course I do, but not with your new unused stuff!"

"Goddess, enough with your stupid ‘first' rule already!"

"By trying to make it bleed more. I have to get it started or you're never going to have enough blood to form a scab."

"I don't want a scab, I just wanna know if I have one!"

"Stupid?! It's not stupid, but I'll tell you what is!"

"I feel I must indeed retreat to the jeep until the lot of you can behave in a mature and responsible fashion."

"See how he is? Anya was just trying to help you, and you have to get all..."

"Stupid is you claiming to be all graceful!"

"What?! You take that back! Maybe I'm not all big shot Slayer graceful, but I have a way about me."

"Oh yeah, and that way includes the vase."

"You know now that you mention it, I do see how he is. What's your problem, Xander?"

"Me?! I don't have one except for the blood that's now pouring down my leg!"

"I can't believe you're bringing that up! One lousy time...Okay, three lousy times I almost broke it, but that's all!"

"It pains me to have to take such drastic measures, but I'm afraid you've all made it necessary."

"Yeah, that's because the third time was the charm!"

"OW!!!"

"There, now it's really bleeding."

"Anya, are you insane?!"

"Don't act like you've never broken anything!"

"I don't think I am, but I've never really been tested."

"I can't believe you did that!"

"Well it was bugging me...Ha, ha, ha. That's so inadvertently funny!"

"No it's not!"

"I haven't ever broken anything!"

"Oh please Buffy, I've lost count of all the doors and windows you've..."

"That's work related!"

"Well Dawn's laughing!"

"Well Dawn's crazy."

"I am not!"

"How is slamming the kitchen door because you're having a tantrum ‘work related'?"

"Hey, stop shoving! You've already done enough damage, crazy girl!"

"You take that back!"

"One time Willow! I lost my temper one time!"

"Dawnie is crazy, Dawnie is crazy."

"Take it back Xander!"

"Or what? Hey, watch it!"

"...Oops."

"Dawn, did you just get blood on my sweater?!"

"I didn't, he did!"

"This is exactly why I didn't want you wearing it in the first place!"

"Buffy, that's truly amazing! How did you know that the blood from Xander's mosquito bite was going to end up on your sweater?"

"I didn't!"

"But you just said...Did anyone else just hear Buffy say..."

"Do you always have to be so literal?!"

"Xander, does she mean that literally or is this one of those questions that doesn't require an answer?"

"Bloody hell."

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