Chapter Fifteen

Buffy was up early, but Faith was already gone. Downstairs or for good, the odds seemed even. She knew in some ways she wasn't being fair, after all Faith had come back to help, and talk about a definite "even odds" scenario. Still, being fair was way, way beyond her capability at the moment, it probably would be forever.

She headed down to the main kitchen; she was starving and hoping that Andrew had whipped up something she could eat on the go. The meeting with Giles wasn't scheduled for three more hours, so she planned to have breakfast at her favorite spot by the lake. If she hung around in the cafeteria, invariably one of the newer girls would want to introduce her to their parents, and Buffy just didn't feel like making nice today.

She scooted past the dining room where the parents and their kids were, and took the "Staff Only" entrance into the kitchen. Andrew was busy instructing the various employees, but he smiled and walked over when he caught sight of her.

"Good morning, fair lady. What brings you here so early?"

"Morning. Listen, I'm way over on the cranky side today, so could you just load me up so I can get out of here?"

He nodded sagely:

"Ah, the reappearance of the Dark Slayer, the Rogue known as ‘Faith' has you a little..."

"Andrew, just give me the food, okay?"

He suddenly looked nervous:

"You know I'd love to."

"...But?"

"Uh...Well, Giles said I couldn't. He said you needed to make an appearance in the cafeteria, something about how you're shirking your responsibilities. Sorry."

She stepped closer to him, backing him up until he was pinned between her and the counter.

"Andrew?"

"B...Buffy?"

"When you think about it, all things considered, who's scarier: me or Giles?"

He gulped loudly, an anxious smile wavering on his face:

"One Slayer style breakfast coming right up!"

"Thank you."

She sat down on a nearby stool and watched him assemble a large bag of food for her, also filling a thermos with coffee and another with orange juice. When he was finished, he presented it all with a big flourish:

"For my favorite Slayer on this most glorious morn."

"It smells yummy."

He looked around the room, then leaned in to whisper conspiratorially:

"And your secret is safe with me...unless Giles gets really mad, of course."

She smiled, still amazed at what a wimp he was:

"Of course, that goes without saying."

"But there is something you should know."

They both whirled around in a panic to face the kitchen door:

"Yes, Mrs. Jackson. I believe Ms. Summers shall be down fairly soon. Yes, Jennifer is quite right, Ms. Summers is an amazingly cool Slayer."

Buffy snatched a tablecloth as she ran out the "Staff Only" door:

"Thanks, Andrew!"

"You're welcome, but..."

She was already gone, and Andrew knew she was most likely in for an unpleasant surprise. He probably should have told her as he got her food ready, but she had made him a little too nervous to think clearly.

"Good morning, Andrew. Any sign of Buffy yet?"

"Hi, Giles. Haven't seen her!"

Giles stood there watching as Andrew prepared a plate for him:

"Yes, and you expect me to believe that because?"

Andrew didn't answer for a minute, but when he handed Giles his breakfast, the rare display of determination on his face revealed just how much he loved the Slayer:

"Because she really looked like she needed some alone time."

Giles took a bite of a crispy bacon strip:

"Mmm...perfect. Yes, I suppose you're right. Another day couldn't really hurt anything, and Faith's homecoming is most upsetting for her. I wish I could come up with a way to make this easier on both of them."

"Ahhh...but I'm afraid the Slayers have a long road ahead, one fraught with peril, intrigue, and romance as these two star-crossed lovers struggle..."

"Andrew, really. Must you weave a story about everything that happens around here?"

Andrew grinned at him:

"Eggs with so many paths to take: scrambled, fried, sunny side up. Each one attempting to fulfill the destiny laid out for them by an unseen and unknowable force, seeking only the..."

Giles rolled his eyes, and clapped the younger man affectionately on the shoulder:

"I shall leave you to your dramatic meanderings as I go about enjoying this delicious breakfast with the soon to be disappointed Jackson family."

"Adieu, wise and brave Watcher."

*************************************************

Buffy was thrilled to find that her secret spot was still secret and unoccupied. She'd more than half expected to see Faith sitting there as it used to be their place to go whenever they wanted to get away from everyone and everything. Thankfully Faith had either forgotten or didn't feel all that sentimental about it, because she was nowhere in sight.

Buffy spread the stolen tablecloth on the ground, sat down, and started digging into her tasty breakfast which she didn't taste a bite of. She wasn't eating for pleasure, she was eating for necessity, and it didn't take her long to finish. When she was done, she tossed everything back into the bag and poured herself a cup of coffee. The sun was still low, there was dew on the grass, and the squirrels and birds were going about their business all around her. She let out a sigh and tried to relax.

It was peaceful by the lake, but it didn't help. There was no peace in Buffy as much as she wanted there to be, her thoughts were just too troubled to turn off at will. She wasn't exactly surprised that she was upset, who wouldn't be when the love of their life suddenly reappeared after being gone for two and a half years?

God, Faith had been gone for so long, but in some ways it seemed like it'd been only days since she'd last seen her. Buffy wasn't trying to deny that she still had feelings for her, but what did that matter? Faith had effectively killed any chance they'd had of making it work when she'd just walked away, whatever the reason, whatever the justification. A desertion like that was not something someone could just get over; at least Buffy didn't see how she could.

And then of course there was the way that Faith was talking to her now...like she thought they could just pick up where they'd left off. Like she could just carve Buffy's heart out with a dull knife, juggle it around, stomp on it, and then roar over it on her motorcycle as she took off for parts unknown. Faith was clearly either delusional or a fool, and Buffy didn't particularly see any reason to rule out either one.

She sat quietly and watched the sun rising higher in the morning sky. She drank her coffee and tried to focus on anything besides her ex-lover, but there was really nothing else she could think about. It was apparently going to be all Faith, all the time, and there was nothing to be done about it.

Faith looked so hard and tired, like she'd been fighting and running for two and a half years. Her eyes looked sad and haunted, and despite everything, Buffy wanted to open her arms and offer her comfort. She wanted to bring Faith in close and tell her that everything would be okay, that she could finally rest now...that they could both finally rest now.

Because Buffy had never felt so exhausted in her entire life. While it was true that she was furious with Faith and wanted to return the hurt she'd been given, there was still that troublesome part of her that only wanted to soothe and offer sanctuary. It was a battle that was already taking too much out of her, maybe because she knew it was a battle she could never win.

It was obvious that no matter what, no matter why, Buffy loved the selfish, stupid, troubled, intense, dangerous, sad-eyed girl that had now come back home. It was wrong, it wasn't smart, but Buffy couldn't stop herself.

She also couldn't relent or trust Faith enough to let her back in. That was over between them, and there was no way to get it back. She'd been hurt too much and would never again put herself in a position to receive that kind of pain. Faith had given her all she could stand for the rest of her life, and Buffy wasn't going to be a martyr or an idiot for anyone.

She sat there sipping her coffee, remembering so many things...Faith laughing with Angel, Faith stomping around in the middle of a temper tantrum because Buffy had once again thrown away her cigarettes, Faith making love to her with such desire and passion, both of them shaking with their need for each other.

It was so easy to feel those hands on her body, the way Faith would touch her like she was the most precious thing in the world, the way she would literally worship her. She could see those dark eyes that never failed to light up with joy at the sight of her, that happy smile creasing with the best dimples ever created.

She thought of the way Faith had struggled to change, how she had learned to relax and trust in the love that Buffy had freely offered to her. She thought of Faith's wonder and amazement when she finally realized she could do it, she really could be in love and let herself be loved in return.

Buffy could see her slaying, the wildness more restrained than when they were younger, but still so ferocious and savage, and so totally Faith. She recalled the darkness that was still so deadly, but controlled with a great effort in a hard fought, hard won battle of good over evil...a battle that Buffy knew cost Faith a high price every single day.

She thought of all that as she sat there, the tears rolling down her face as she contemplated everything they'd lost. Buffy still wanted her, missed her like a vital piece of herself that had been roughly removed, but she would not let that matter, she couldn't. Faith was lost to her, more so now than she'd ever been, and if Buffy could have pulled them back in time, she would have.

She would much rather be young and foolish again than be where they were now. She would willingly repeat that horrible moment when she stabbed Faith and then watched her painfully and deliberately fall back off the roof. Because even with all of the passion and love and spite they'd both felt back then, even with all of the anger and betrayal and violence that had swirled so painfully around them, it had never felt hopeless...not like it did now.

Buffy gave in, dropping her head down to rest upon her upraised knees as she sat sobbing out her heartache. Faith was truly gone from her now, even though she was finally home. It was just too late, there was no going back.

They'd stood a better chance when they'd been trying to kill each other. There'd been more hope with the thrust of a knife and a last "fuck you" fall from a roof onto a passing truck bed. Now there was nothing and no hope of anything more. It was all just broken beyond repair, and that knowledge was what had Buffy hurting in ways she'd never even imagined she could.

Her tears lasted a long time, but eventually she forced herself to push them away. She was the Slayer, there was an apocalypse brewing, and she had a job to do, a world to save...just like always. There was no time to be a woman anymore, a woman who felt blown apart and devastated.

She was Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and so she wiped away her tears, straightened her shoulders and picked up her stuff. It was time she headed off to meet her destiny.

"Yippee."

******************************************************

"Sonofabitch!"

Faith tossed the broken cigarette into the nearby bushes. Her very last smoke and it was snapped in two, the filter half too low to even get a drag off of. That was what she got for leaving the nearly empty pack in the pocket of her very tight pants.

She was antsy as hell, and even the great view and relaxed setting weren't helping her out all that much. Of course all of the memories currently smashing their way through what was left of her meager defenses, weren't exactly working for her either. She wished she could go slaying, killing things sounded just right, but since the sun was already peeking up over the horizon, well that avenue of stress relief was way out.

There was no point in just standing around staring at the water, but then there wasn't much point in her doing anything when it came right down to it. She was a fuck up, a Class A, Major Felony fuck up anyway anybody sliced things, and she could no longer stand it.

Being back home had opened her eyes, cleared out the cobwebs, and gotten her brain working again, just like that. She knew now that she had done it all wrong, every last bit of it. She was so far down the wrong path, she couldn't even see where the right one was anymore, and she knew there was no sense in trying to backtrack to find it. She knew the time had passed when she could just do things the "right way", that approach wasn't going to get her out of the shit she was in.

She was fucked up and she was fucked, all by her own design, and she needed to figure things out fast. There was no more time to waste, no more time to dick around while she dug herself in deeper and deeper. Fuck the "right" path, she was going to have to hack herself out a brand new one.

A running start and a Slayer-sized leap took her upward until she caught a sturdy limb. She hauled herself up higher again and again, until she made it safely to the snug crook about halfway up the giant tree.

It went a long way towards settling her down when she saw that the view from her favorite spot was still just the same, and she took a few deep breaths to get herself focused on what needed her attention the most. She still wished she had a cigarette, but she didn't, so she wasn't going to dwell on it. It also would've been nice to have had some decent chow, but she was so early, Andrew hadn't had a chance to get anything going yet.

She'd just scarfed up some of yesterday's leftover doughnuts and a huge glass of orange juice, and told him she'd be back later. He'd tried to get her to stay:

"But Faith, I can have something ready in twenty minutes. Come on, just..."

"Nah, got places to go. But thanks for the invite, Andy."

So she was still hungry, but the main thing she was, was tired...a deep down, bone weary tired that made her want to sleep for a billion years. She felt like she could snooze the rest of her life away, just blissfully dreaming of an alive and smiling Angel, of herself safe and sound and loved, and of Buffy, the woman who was absolutely everything to her.

Yeah, it was definitely a "dream on" sitch, one that not even an idiot would waste a second thinking about. Faith was a lot of things, but she knew she wasn't an idiot, at least not that kind. What she was, was a dumb fucker, just about the stupidest one ever, but she was hoping she still had a few brain cells left that she could count on.

She had to work fast, that fact had been made crystal clear to her when she'd seen Buffy walking down the stairs all full of ice and anger. The Slayer was determined to hand out all of the meanness she could deliver, and Faith knew she deserved every painful bit of it and way, way more.

She'd deserted Buffy. Just up and hauled ass when it got too tough, knowing full well that being left was Buffy's most tender spot. Faith had poked and prodded at it anyway on her big rush to her final exile, so wrapped up in herself she'd forgotten everything but her own pain, and she'd ended up ruining it all.

The best thing she'd ever had in her life, offered up to her with absolutely no strings by the woman she'd loved since the first second she'd seen her, and Faith had treated it and her like some kind of worthless garbage. Buffy had reached out for her and hung on, making it so unbelievably easy to find real happiness, and she had fought for Faith with everything she had. Faith had repaid her guts and love by doing the very thing she knew would hurt her the most.

She was a selfish, stupid bitch, and she knew it. She'd cop freely to it in front of anybody, even God himself if she ever met the fucker. She could deal with that truth about herself and she could also deal with getting the job done that she'd been brought back to do. What she couldn't handle was just riding off again, and she knew now without a doubt that she wasn't going to do it.

It surprised her how fast she'd come to her senses. She was just as shocked as everyone else was going to be, maybe even more so. But it all came down to the instant she'd heard that voice again, the moment when her eyes had gotten their first look at Buffy in two and a half years.

That was it, that was when Faith knew she was all done running. The moody loner, who less than a day ago had planned to stay on her own forever, wasn't going anywhere anymore, not without the Slayer right by her side. Buffy was hers and she was going to be goddamned if she was going to ever forget that again.

Her attempts at getting things rolling last night had done nothing except reveal her stupidity and awkwardness. It made her wince to think of the things she'd said, like she thought her only crime over the last three years was that she'd forgotten to bring home a gallon of milk. Her dumb ass comments made it sound like she didn't know she'd abandoned her life and the woman who loved her for two and a half long years, three if you wanted to count the six months she'd been around, but not at all present.

She'd thought about it all last night as she'd sat on the couch staring at the locked bedroom door, and she had absolutely no idea how Buffy had refrained from killing her.

***My room too, B.***

***Why don't ya sit down and keep me company?***

***Gonna have to talk sooner or later.***

Just how fucking insensitive was she?

But that wasn't it, she wasn't insensitive at all, she never had been. The problem was that she didn't have the social graces of a plank of wood, and whenever she found herself faced with hostility, her normal reaction was to try and brazen it out. It was all she'd ever done except the times she'd resorted to violence, and when faced with Buffy's cold disregard and total lack of interest, well Faith didn't know how else to act.

But that wasn't quite true. She knew how to act, she just wasn't exactly sure how to do it. It was the thing she had to overcome if she was going to get Buffy back, and good fucking luck to her. She definitely needed it.

The good news was that there was also another thing that wasn't all that true: Buffy's pretense that she wasn't interested. She'd been more than interested when she'd seen Faith fresh out of the shower, and she'd stood star struck as she'd watched the impromptu late night workout.

Buffy might be mad, she might be filled with hate and hurt and distrust, but she was not disinterested, and that was where Faith hoped she could find her way back in, at least at the start. She was banking on the fact that Buffy still loved her, even if it was buried way deep down, and she was hoping that somehow, someway she would see even a little flicker of that emotion.

But it didn't really matter, Faith knew that now. She had stopped kidding herself somewhere along the line and she had stopped hiding from the truth. It was a simple truth, and it put her at a real disadvantage because if she'd really managed to kill Buffy's love for her, well she was going to be in it all alone from here on out.

Because the simple, honest to fuck truth was: she needed Buffy. She didn't feel right without her, no one else could make her feel like who she really was. There wasn't ever going to be anyone else for her, there couldn't be. She loved Buffy with everything she had, and she knew that was something that was never going to change.

Faith had killed Angel and it had made her feel crushed, beaten, guilty, and not worth the air she breathed. All of that was valid, it was all still with her and probably always would be, but now there was finally something else. There was a small, angry, mean as hell blonde woman, and just being near her had Faith feeling lighter than she had in years.

She could see it clearly now; she'd done it all wrong. She had run from the one person who could have helped her deal with the horrible thing she'd been forced to do. She had pushed away her only chance at salvation, and that was probably why she'd done it, to punish herself. It felt right, seemed like just the kind of sick thing she'd do to herself.

Well congratulations were in order, because she'd done a bang-up job of it. She'd hurt herself just as much as she possibly could, but the problem with that was that she'd hurt Buffy too, and that was wrong, just as wrong as anything ever could be. Buffy didn't deserve it, hadn't done a thing to earn that kind of pain, but Faith had given it to her anyway.

She'd been so sure that walking away was the best thing she could do for both of them -she knew now that wasn't true. She also knew she loved Buffy, wanted her, needed her, and she wasn't going to let anything come between them again...not even herself.

But how to go about it? So far she'd only managed to pour gas on the fire, and she wasn't good at playing games. It all seemed impossible, but then hadn't the whole thing always placed itself comfortably in the "impossible" category right from the first second they'd met?

Two Slayers in love: impossible. A straight, good girl in love with a bisexual, bad girl who'd changed only because that good girl had shown her how to do it: impossible. Two Slayers who both intensely loved a souled vampire in completely different ways: impossible. A vampire who'd willingly risked it all for a Slayer when she didn't deserve a thing except to be put down like a rabid animal: impossible.

Clearly the word "impossible" didn't mean shit to Faith. She'd made "impossible" her bitch over and over again, and she was just going to have to do it one more time. She knew she was going to be bashing up against the toughest brick wall ever built, and that was okay. She could do it, she had to.

But even just a tiny sign that there was still some love left for her inside of Buffy would be way more than welcome. It would give her something to cling to while she was riding out the pain she knew she had coming. But then that meant the question was: did she even have the right to ask for that much?

Her answer came just seconds later when Buffy emerged from the woods. She spread some weird white blanket on the ground and then sat down to have her breakfast. Just watching her was good, and the fact that she was in their "together" spot, well that had to mean something way over on the excellent side.

But what that was exactly, well Faith knew she was going to have to figure it out. She sat there watching and thinking and she finally realized that although she could suppose some stuff, she needed some other sign to be sure. For all she really knew, Buffy could just be sitting there because she...And then Buffy started crying, and Faith knew she had the answer to her prayer.

God had responded, and in Faith's experience, that never, ever happened...at least not in the way she ever wanted it to. God was always way more likely to reply to her prayers with a great big:

"Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit. You ain't ever gettin'..." whatever it was she asked for.

"Want your mom off the sauce? No. In fact, she's gonna get worse and drop dead from it."

"Want Uncle ‘Whoever It Is This Week' to stop looking at you like he's imagining you naked? No. And just wait until you wake up tomorrow night."

"Want a dog just to have something to love? No. You got plenty of rats in your dumpy apartment. Make it work."

"Want there to be another way than killing the man you love more than you can ever explain? No. And your aim better be perfect or you'll murder her too."

"Want a sign that you might have a chance to get back the best thing that ever happened to you? Yeah okay, bitch. There she is, crying over your worthless ass. Happy now?"

Faith held no illusions, she hadn't since she'd been about seven years old. She knew God didn't do things for her, He didn't give a flying fuck about anything that involved her. The truth of it was, the bastard seemed to have it in for her right from the start, and that completely sucked. Of course, she'd also be the first to admit that she'd started handing him plenty of reasons before too long.

So the bottom line in the here and now? No fucking way was this favor, this chance, for her. Nope, it was for Buffy, the Slayer who fought the good fight. She was the one who deserved nothing but happiness, the one who deserved to love and be loved in return. Buffy was the one who'd earned the whole "happily ever after" thing, she was the one God was working for, and the funny part was that Faith got to tag along for the ride.

She was positive that He was pissed about how it had all turned out. Nobody could have seen what was coming, not even a know-it-all like God. How in the hell Buffy had fallen for her was a wicked cosmic fuckup, there was no other sensible explanation for it.

It was just the "Buffy" way to spit in the face of destiny and piss all over the rules. She did what she wanted to do, exactly the way she wanted to do it, and she always followed her heart, no matter what it cost her. Buffy had balls the size of Texas, and this time God had to be just steaming. But really, what could He do about it?

Act like a big pussy and turn shit all upside down? Cheat and make Buffy not fall in love? That shit wasn't gonna fly because the rules of the game were that everybody had free will and got to make their own choices and decisions. If He started fucking with that now just because He didn't like the Slayer's pick, well everybody was going to realize that God was a sore loser who couldn't be trusted, plus a real prick to boot.

So He did the next best thing: He'd played dirty, but still stayed inside the rules. He'd stuck a bunch of shit in their way and because Faith was the most skilled sinner on the planet, she'd fallen prey to all of it. She'd screwed everything up right from the beginning, and no matter how many chances she got, she kept right on screwing it all up in the worst possible way.

But it turned out the joke was on God because none of it meant a thing, not in the end. Buffy Summers had just kept standing there waiting for Faith to get it right, and then came the biggest fucking surprise ever: she finally did.

Finally one damn time in her miserable little life, Faith Lehane had stayed right where she was supposed to be. She didn't turn away, instead she took hold of the hand that was offered to her and she made something good out of herself.

It hadn't been easy. She'd slipped more than a few times, but she hadn't fallen, not for good. There were two people who had her back all the way, and they kept grabbing for her and holding on tight until she could regain her balance. One of them was gone now, taken out by her own hand, but all of the sudden she could see that didn't matter much, leastways not anymore.

Angel was dust, but now that Faith had stopped running, she could hear him if she listened hard enough. He was telling her to pick herself up and get on with it. He was telling her that he didn't haul her ass out of one hole just to see her jam it back into another. He was telling her that he believed in her.

She sat silently, listening to what he had to say as she stared at Buffy, the woman they both loved. She knew now what the deal was, and Angel was right. It was never over, and the two of them had to pay for everything.

Faith knew that was fair. She had lots of shit she owed for, and she was willing to pay whenever and however she had to, but she wasn't going to give up Buffy, not for anything. That part of it was nonnegotiable now.

Any and everything else might still be up for grabs, but Faith was taking Buffy off the table forever. She was done settling her debts with the woman she loved. She wasn't paying that way ever again, and she would fight to the death before she'd let it happen. As far as she was concerned, that bullshit was over.

At just that moment, Buffy seemed to reach some kind of decision too. She wiped her face clean, straightened her shoulders, grabbed her shit and headed off to the big meeting. Faith waited until she was out of sight, then climbed her way back down to stand firmly on the ground.

There was a time when she would have run and kept right on running rather than face what she knew was coming, but that Faith was gone, and she was gone for good. Still, she wasn't patting herself on the back. That scared fuck-up had existed just a few days ago, and she knew she wouldn't have even been standing where she was if she hadn't been pushed and pulled along.

But she was standing where she was, and she was all through running. This was the place where Buffy was, this was the place where Faith belonged, and no matter what went down from here on out, she was never turning tail again. It was time for her to face it head-on: herself, her past, her future, the things she'd done and the things she'd neglected to do. It was time for her to come home.

She couldn't claim anything was going good, there didn't seem to be any happiness anywhere in sight, but Faith began smiling just the same, feeling better and more like herself than she had in forever.

"Got the message, Soulboy. Five by five."

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