Chapter Twenty-One
When Faith woke up, she was alone in her bed. It wasn’t exactly a surprise, but no matter how much she had tried to be ready for it, she still felt like she’d been punched right in the gut. For a minute she couldn’t breathe, and she had to make herself calm down.
She lay there on her back staring up at the ceiling, pushing away the tears and pain as she told herself that everything was fine. She’d known winning Buffy back was going to be a long process, and nothing had changed when it came to that. She was in it for the long haul, and even if it took forever it wouldn’t matter. She wasn’t going anywhere, and nothing unexpected had happened, well, except that she had somehow gotten a perfect moment last night.
Being ungrateful wasn’t Faith’s style, and she tried to make herself concentrate on the good stuff. She’d gotten to hold Buffy all night long because Buffy had asked her to, and for a few amazing hours, she had just let herself love Faith again. That was the thing to focus on because if it had happened once, there was no reason to think it couldn’t happen again.
That was just logic, plain and simple, but that punched in the gut feeling had come back and Faith had to struggle to breathe again. She could feel a tear trickling its way down the side of her head, and she just let it go. Waking up alone after holding everything she wanted the most hurt, so much so she had no idea how she was going to manage to make it out of bed. Maybe she could just…
“Faith, do you know how much longer you’re going to stare at the ceiling?”
Faith’s head jerked to the side to see Buffy sitting calmly at the small table by the window.
“B! Uh…I…uh…”
She couldn’t form words. All she could do was grin like a fool.
“So I’m guessing from that smile you thought I was gone.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you’re not completely wrong. I did have a big freak out when I first woke up, and I ended up leaving.”
“…Don’t blame you.”
“But then I realized I didn’t want to go, so I decided to get us breakfast instead. I’ve just been waiting for you to wake up.”
Faith could smell the food now that the panic was no longer controlling her, and her stomach rumbled in response.
“Coulda woke me, B.”
“I thought about it, but you were sleeping so good.”
“Yeah, I was. Best sleep I’ve had in forever.”
Buffy looked away almost shyly:
“…Me too.”
“Smells great.”
“Andrew had everything ready, so I got us all kinds of stuff.”
“Andy’s good like that.”
Buffy busied herself with uncovering the plates and pouring the drinks. After a couple of minutes when there was no movement from the bed, she looked at Faith:
“Are you planning to join me at some point?”
“Yeah, it’s just…well, I’m naked here.”
Buffy smiled:
“I know, I slept on you all night, remember?”
“Not somethin’ I’d forget.”
“So?”
“I know it’s dumb, but I…”
“Should I close my eyes or go get you some clothes?”
“Could you just close’em? I’ll head to the bathroom.”
“Okay. And I promise I won’t peek, no matter how much I want to.”
Buffy closed her eyes and Faith hopped out of the bed:
“Be right back, B.”
“I’ll be here.”
That had Faith grinning big again and feeling way too giddy for so early in the morning.
She did her thing, washed up a little, and then looked around for some clothes she could put on. All that was available was a robe hanging on the back of the door where she’d put it years ago, a gag gift to welcome Angel to his new home.
It was red velour, which he would have hated, and to make it even worse, she’d gotten it inscribed on the back:
“Caution: Hot Stud Inside”
It made her laugh, but she wasn’t about to wear it while she had breakfast with Buffy. She grabbed an oversized towel and wrapped it around herself, cinching it good and tight.
When she got back to the table, Buffy froze in mid-bite, her toast suspended between her plate and her mouth.
“Am I not supposed to ravish you right now?”
“Huh?
“Faith, you’re wrapped in a towel. You look like sex.”
“It’s not like I’m all wet.”
Buffy shoved a plate at her and muttered quietly under her breath:
“Well I am.”
Faith laughed:
“Want me to put some clothes on?”
“No. But if I jump you…”
“I’ll understand.”
They ate in relative silence and when they were done, Faith began searching in the bag for anything they might have missed.
“Stop being such a pig, Faith. There’s nothing left, besides you had more than half anyway.”
“Aha!”
She triumphantly held up a brown grape, and Buffy looked at in disgust:
“Wow, what a find…a rotten grape.”
“It’s not rotten, just kinda ripe.”
She popped it into her mouth:
“Mmm…now that hits the spot.”
She grabbed her glass of orange juice and leaned back, downing it in one long go. Buffy sipped at her tea, amazed as always by how much Faith could eat.
“That was wicked tasty. Thanks for getting it, B.”
“You’re welcome, although how we could be so hungry after that delicious dinner…”
“Yeah, being a Slayer’s a bitch sometimes.”
That sat quietly, neither really looking at the other. After a couple of awkward minutes, Faith began fidgeting and Buffy sighed out a deep breath:
“So, Faith…”
“Yeah, I agree. Let me get dressed and maybe we could move it to the couch?”
Buffy picked up her tea and headed to one end of the sofa while Faith pulled some clothes out of her bag, and disappeared into the bathroom again. She was back in just a couple of minutes, plopping down on the other end of the couch where she instantly began playing with one of the throw pillows. Buffy sipped at her tea, then placed her cup and saucer down on the coffee table:
“Any idea who should go first?”
“Think that oughta be your call, B.”
“Okay. I guess I’ll start it off then.”
“Ready when you are.”
Buffy said nothing for a long time, and when she finally did, her voice came out soft and small.
“I can’t believe you did that to me.”
Faith said nothing, waiting for her to let it out.
“I tried to hold on, but I just couldn’t after awhile. It was…You hurt me so much, Faith.”
“I know I did. I’m sorry, Buffy.”
“…You weren’t ever coming back, were you?”
“No, I wasn’t. If they hadn’t come to get me, I still wouldn’t be here.”
Buffy took a sip of her tea, and the cup shattered when she sat it back down.
“What am I supposed to think about that?”
“That I’m a selfish bitch.”
“Yeah, well, you’ll get no argument here.”
“Not from here either.”
Neither spoke as they let their words settle.
“Faith, I need you to explain. Yes, I’ve figured stuff out, but I need to hear it from you.”
“Okay, sure. Where do you want me to start?”
Buffy stared off into space, her face lost in thought.
“I guess we should start off with something easy.”
“Yeah, that’d be good.”
Buffy’s eyes looked directly into Faith’s:
“So how many other girls did you sleep with?”
“Jesus, B. That’s ‘easy’?”
“Well as it turns out, there aren’t any easy topics.”
Faith stood up and went to the window, looking out intently at absolutely nothing. The sun was out, hot and bright, but she couldn’t feel any heat through the glass. It was obviously vamp proof all the way.
“Are you going to answer me?”
“Think you already know the answer.”
“I do.”
“But you wanna hear me say it.”
“Yes.”
“…I fucked nine girls.”
“Describe them to me.”
“B…”
Buffy’s voice rose for the first time:
“Describe them to me, Faith!”
“Small, blonde, pretty.”
“Why?”
“B, c’mon…”
“Wow, it sure doesn’t look very good for us when you can’t even make it through the ‘easy’ topics.”
“…I fucked them because they looked like you.”
“So you missed me?”
Faith turned away from the window to look at her:
“Of course I missed you.”
“But you still wouldn’t come home.”
“I couldn’t.”
“Did you ever think about me when you weren’t screwing my stand-ins?”
“Buffy, I thought about you every fucking second of every fucked up day.”
Buffy was furious, her eyes almost shooting out fire:
“Really? So what were your thoughts about me when you took on a nest of twelve vampires by yourself?”
“…”
“How about the time you went up against seven Polgara demons in their cozy, ‘one way in, one way out’ underground lair?”
“…”
“Tell me, Faith, was I on your mind when you got shot because you stormed that house in the woods, even though you knew there were fifteen bikers all with weapons just waiting for you to show up?”
Faith had gone back to staring out the window, but Buffy wasn’t having it.
“I’d suggest you bring your ass back to this couch and face me like you actually give a shit.”
Faith sat back down, her eyes struggling to meet Buffy’s.
“I don’t know… I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, you were telling me how you thought about me all the time, so why don’t you explain to me exactly how that works. How did I factor in when you were busy trying to get yourself killed every fucking second of every fucked up day?”
“B…”
Buffy grabbed Faith’s chin with an unyielding grip and yanked her head up hard, forcing her to look at her.
“Were you thinking about how scared I was? Were you thinking about how I didn’t know what to do? Maybe you were thinking about how I had to fight with myself every day not to run to you. Or maybe you were thinking about how I cried every night because I couldn’t help you.”
Faith tried to look away, but Buffy wouldn’t let her.
“Maybe you were thinking about how I knew it was just a matter of time until you finally managed to get yourself killed. Maybe you were thinking about how I was going to have to live with all of that pain and guilt. Maybe you were thinking about how I felt like my life was over… Do any of those things sound familiar?”
Buffy let go and stood up. She went into the kitchen and came back with a new cup of tea and a towel. Faith watched her as she carefully picked up the broken porcelain and blotched up the spilled tea.
“B…”
“Don’t say anything to me, not unless it’s somehow going to make things better. Because this is it, Faith, the one thing I can’t understand.”
Buffy looked like she wanted to cry, but she also looked like she wanted to slay, so Faith stayed silent and perfectly still.
“I know how much you loved Angel, and I know why you had to run. I even know why you shut me out. You wanted me to blame you and when I wouldn’t, well that wasn’t good enough for you. You wanted to be hurt, to be punished, and when you couldn’t get that from me, you went off to find it somewhere else.”
Buffy straightened up and sat back down.
“I’m not blaming you for any of that, not really. I get it, I got it then. I saw your face that day, the moment when you knew you had to kill Angel, and I knew what it was going to do to you, to us. I also knew there wasn’t anything else you could do.”
She took a sip of her tea, then carefully sat the cup back down.
“I understand all of that, and I don’t hold it against you. Killing Angel was the most horrible thing that could have ever happened.”
The silence was back, and Faith didn’t have the first clue what she should do. Many minutes passed with neither of them saying anything, each seemingly lost in their own world. When Buffy finally spoke up, voice was distant and full of pain.
“Did you know for a long time I blamed myself? I was sure it was my fault that Angel died.”
Faith’s gaze lifted from the floor to look at Buffy.
“I was positive if I hadn’t been so stupid, if I hadn’t let myself get captured, none of it would have happened like it did. But it did and I…”
“B, it wasn’t your fault. Don’t do that to…”
“Shut up! Don’t you dare let me off the hook when you won’t do the same for yourself.”
Faith felt raw and uncertain as Buffy’s rage filled the room. Her mind whirled as she searched for a way to make things right, a way to make it easier for Buffy.
“What can I say to make this better? What can I do? Just tell me, B. Just tell me and I’ll do it.”
“You can explain to me how it’s possible that you left me for two and a half years and spent every minute of that time trying to get yourself killed without once ever considering how that made me feel. You can explain to me how I’m ever supposed to trust you again when you just admitted that you wouldn’t even be here now if we hadn’t brought you back. Can you explain any of that to me, Faith?”
Faith’s voice was barely audible:
“No.”
“No, I didn’t think you could. I guess that makes us even.”
“What do you mean?”
Buffy shook her head in resigned disbelief:
“Because I can’t explain why I still love you so much, and I can’t explain why the sight of you cringing in front of me and feeling so bad you can’t even look at me, doesn’t give me at the very least, a small sense of satisfaction. But it doesn’t, Faith. Right now all it does is make me want to comfort you in any way I can, and I don’t have an answer for that, no matter how hard I try to come up with one.”
“I’m so sorry, B.”
“I know you are. I totally, one hundred percent know you are, but that shouldn’t matter, not after what you’ve put me through. And yet somehow it does, maybe even more than anything else.”
Buffy walked over to look out the window, her face sad and confused as she stared out into the sunshine.
“God, I feel so crazy. Sometimes I see you and I wanna hurt you. I know where all your weak spots are, and I wanna hit every one of them until you’re begging me for mercy. I wanna drag you through all the pain I can deliver, and then I wanna hurt you some more.”
Faith sat still, the whole “hard to breathe” thing was back, and she felt like screaming and crying.
It took a while, but Buffy finally turned back to her and looked her in the eye:
“But no matter what, the thing I want most is you. I want you back, Faith.”
She still felt like screaming and crying, but her breath was coming easier now.
“I still don’t know what to do, B.”
“Yeah……Well, I guess that means we’re going to have to figure it out together, because I’m not letting you go again.”
“…Me either.”
“Then that’s where we start.”
