Chapter 11: Onus – All from Buffy’s POV
BUFFY’S OFFICE – 3:29PM
“The first time I saw her she was dancing at a nightclub in Sunnydale. I thought a vamp had taken her outside to feed on her. So I grabbed my friends,” I stop and sigh when I realize only Will is left, “Will and some others, went out back to rescue her. Faith was tossing the vamp around like a rag doll, having fun with him, you know? Anyway, she turned to me, reached over and plucked my stake out of my hand then dusted the vamp.” I smile warmly, “I think it was love at first sight.”
“Ok, I already don’t get it,” Em leans forward in her chair.
I laugh when I see Emma’s confused expression, “I was an incredibly self-obsessed 17 year-old, very straight, very uptight, senior in high school. I was also THE Vampire Slayer, as in the one and only, and was desperately trying to get over the fact that I sent my vampire lover to hell after Willow returned his soul to him.” Again, I get the stare.
“Oh, wait, Angel, right?” She ventures.
“Right,” I’m thanking the Gods for idle gossip so I don’t have to explain that one. “To get right down to it, I was scared of Faith. I was afraid of how she lived her life, of how she embraced it. ‘Want, Take, Have’ it was her favorite expression. It embodied her to a T. Oh and how she called me on it too. She once said to me: ‘You need me to toe the line because you're afraid you'll go over it, aren't you, B?’ Man, I wonder if she knew how right she was.”
Emma leans back, “So she went to work for the bad guys?”
“No, first, I ignored her feelings, shut her out of my life, lied to her about Angel,” I look down and sigh, “and let her take the fall alone for killing the Deputy Mayor. It wasn’t until after I completely pushed her away that she went to work for the Mayor.”
She shakes her head, “I still don’t understand. Why did you do those things?”
“Because I was afraid, I was afraid of how I felt about her, hell I was afraid that I could ‘feel’ her period. You have to realize, there weren’t a bunch of Slayers around. Before Faith there was Kendra, and I never got the tingles from Kendra. And before Kendra, I was alone. Faith made me feel things I never felt before and I was petrified.”
Emma nods in complete understanding.
Dropping my head down, “I was afraid of how I felt, afraid to tell her, my mom, my friends, God I was such an ass. So I buried it and pushed it away, her away. She was so fragile then too. Yeah, she had the tough girl thing going on then too, but I saw right though it. She had been through so much, had lost so much, was so alone. She came here looking for help, acceptance, love, and I turned my back on her. So she found all those things with him.”
Em cocks her head to the side, “Buffy, she made the choice to go to work for him.”
“Yes, she did.” I nod then look up at her, “You know she saved my life that night? Faith and I were fighting because she was running away, leaving town. Then we were attacked by vampires that worked for the Mayor. The leader, Mr. Trick, he had me beaten and pinned against a wall, ready to drain me. She could have left, but she saved me, dusting him then running away, right to the Mayor.” I shake my head, “I told Giles later that night I wasn’t going to give up on her.” Laughing to myself, you can hear the disgust in my tone, “What a joke. That’s exactly what I did.” Looking away, “It was easier to hate her, blame her, than admit I loved her, even to myself.”
Emma sits forward again, “It sounds like you put an awful lot of the blame on yourself.” She pauses, leaning on the arm then tucking her feet underneath her, “Buffy, Faith told me some of the things that happened back then, and it sounds very different from what you’re saying here.”
“I know she didn’t make it any easier by going to the enemy, becoming evil, killing innocents. But I can’t help but think if I wasn’t so afraid of my own feelings; it wouldn’t have turned out so... oh God, so incredibly fucked up.” I get up and join her on the couch. Facing her, I continue, “It freaked me out that I was falling for her, optimal word there being ‘her’.” I shake my head again, “Have I mentioned how uptight I was?” Blowing out a breath, “I wasn’t like you and Faith; so open to being with women as well as men. It never even occurred to me until I met her. And when it did, it freaked me out. I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“The worst part is I knew she loved me back. Actually, looking back at it, everyone knew how we felt about each other: my Mom, my friends, Giles, Angel, Robin, hell, even the Mayor. You could see it in the way we looked at each other, how we touched,” I laugh, “even in the way we fought.” Shaking my head, “In a classic manipulative move, I used that love to convince her to go to prison when I found her in LA after she woke up from the coma.” I spit my breath out, “God I was so fucking self-righteous. How could she stand me, let alone love me?”
Shaking my head again, I continue, “So she went to prison, and I tried my best to forget her. It worked for quite a while too, until I died.”
“She told me she felt it when you died. How she felt so alone.”
Leaning back against the armrest, I smile, “When they brought me back, the first thing I felt was her. I could close my eyes and ‘feel’ her breathing, her heart beat, her confusion. I didn’t understand what it was at first. I thought I came back wrong, not whole and what I was feeling was my other self that didn’t come back with me. I thought it was just another fucked up thing I was going to have to live with.”
“When did you realize it was her?” Emma asks.
“Right after Willow and Tara did the spell that killed some alternate dimension hitchhiker that followed me back. I mean, that’s when I knew for sure, I had a feeling it was her. And damn, once again, it freaked me out. I was scared because the ‘feeling’ was never that strong. I think it had something to do with a part of me accepting how I felt about her when I died.” I wave my hand, “Anyway, once again, I pushed it away. I got involved in a sick – I can’t even call it a relationship – thing with another vampire, then Xander and Anya’s wedding went carfluky, then Tara was murdered, then Will went all evil and veiny...” I’m full blown crying now. “Jesus Christ, were we really only 21 when all that came down, one horrible thing after the other?”
Emma pulls me into her arms, “Oh my God, I had no idea. No one ever told me everything that happened, just bits and pieces.”
I start to swipe at my tears then I realize why Faith told her to talk to me: she didn’t feel she could convey to Emma how to not waste the time we did. “It’s ok; I’m fine, just remembering is sad.” I pull back from her and give a weak grin.
She catches my eyes, “We don’t have to do this; I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Hey, I’ve gotten this far, may as well give you your money’s worth, huh?” I sit back again and continue, “Then Willow brought Faith back to help with the First.” Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “I was such a bitch to her. Once again I choose a vampire over her. Man, how that pissed her off. How fucked up is it that I felt it was easier to be with the undead than the woman everyone knew I was in love with? I was such an ass.” I cannot stop shaking my head, “I remember asking her why she came back, she said, ‘Willow said you needed me,’ then she shrugged, ‘didn’t give it a lot of thought.’ God, I wanted to throw myself in her arms at that very second. She was so genuine, so matter-of-fact, like it would never occur to her not to come if I needed help.”
“Why didn’t you?” She reads my confused look, “Throw yourself in her arms?”
I nod, yeah Buffy, why didn’t you? I silently repeat to myself. “We spotted a Bringer. Then there was the vineyard fiasco, then the Bronze fiasco, then I got a little wacky and they threw me out of my own house, then Faith got hurt, then there was the fight with the First…”
Em laughs, “Wow, Faith’s right, you do a really good ‘Reader’s Digest version.’” She shakes her head.
“Oh, it’s all stuff you already heard about,” I wave my hand. “But when I was run through by one of the Über vamps, Faith was at my side in an instant. Something happened then, when I gave her the scythe, it’s like something passed between us, an understanding, a moment of clarity, we knew what we meant to each other was real. Then in LA, I completely broke down on her when I thought Dawn was going to die. After all those years, I even told her I loved her. I never did ask her if she realized I said it through the babbling, blithering mess that I was back then. She must have thought I was a complete basket case.”
“I fell asleep after I had my meltdown, but I held onto her for dear life.” Really getting lost in the memory, I smile, “I’d never felt so safe, so protected. I felt like we were... connected. It was like I could feel her calm run through me, and how it soothed me; like nothing else ever had. I slept better in those few hours wrapped in her arms than I had in the previous two years since they brought me back.”
Looking down, I feel my face flushing before I even speak the next line, “Then waking in her arms, after her telling me she’d be there for me and Dawn? That’s when I knew this wasn’t anything to play around with anymore. So I finally kissed her, and then nothing was the same.” I take a deep breath then blow it out steadily, “Gods, how to describe it...: it was like an electric current running between us, like every nerve in my body was on fire and calling her name. Desire, yearning, passion they’re all close, but it was so much more than sexual, more than just a physical attraction, it’s like every fiber of my being needed to be with her to be complete. And that’s when I knew I really was in love with her.”
I close my eyes and remember that first kiss then rub my forehead. “But I waited too long: I had just started to acknowledge my feelings for her and she had so much that she needed to sort out, we didn’t stand a chance. I kinda had a feeling about what she was doing when she left that night, and I knew I could have stopped her, but I also accepted she had to do it on her own. So I let her go. Of course I made her feel super guilty, but I let her go. Willow and Kennedy helped me figure a lot of this stuff out over the years. Then I saw her when I brought you here and…”
Emma is wide-eyed as she cuts me off, “Wait, you guys didn’t see each other at all until you brought me here from Durban?” She is completely incredulous.
“No,” I shake my head, “she checked up on me and saw Ken a few times, but I never saw her.”
Em just looks at me dumbfounded as I continue my tale.
“While Giles and the others were getting the school up and running, Dawn, Andrew, Sophia and I went to Rome. Dawn and Sophia did a semester in secondary school and I tired to find as many Slayers as I could. I don’t remember what Andrew did. I think he… made a lot of friends there.” I wink at Emma who nods in return, catching my meaning. “Sophia and Dawn were the language girls, so once I’d find a Slayer, one of them would tell her the deal and see if she would want to come back to the States for training. The girls we found were confused, scared and unorganized. Then we got word a psychotic Slayer had been given the wrong meds then escaped a mental institution in LA. She was very troubled, didn’t understand her strength and was killing people. We sent Andrew there to bring her to Cleveland so Giles could try to take care of her.”
Emma knits her brow. God, talk about how it could have been her life if we hadn’t gotten her out of there, “How come you never told me about her?”
I sigh deeply, “Dana was 10 when a man killed her family then tortured her for months. She had been institutionalized for 15 years when she broke out.” I wipe my hand across my face and sigh.
“But wait, she’s older than you?” Emma’s face is a mask of confusion, “If it was right after the fight with the First you and Will were 22, and she was 25.” She shakes her head, “you said no one came into their powers if they were over 18.”
I nod, “She was the only one who did. Andrew said it then, she was an anomaly in many ways.”
“Where is she Buffy?” Emma’s eyes are huge. She knows this could have been her.
“Right after we came back from Rome she killed herself. She was in so much pain, Em. She couldn’t find a way to deal with it do matter how many doctors Giles took her to.” I take in her crestfallen look then continue, “Dana’s death was my wakeup call. I had failed Faith, but at least she was alive. But Dana and Chloe… they were on my head.”
Emma immediately interrupts, “Jesus, who the hell is Chloe?”
“A potential in Sunnydale, she hung herself at the house before the fight with the First.” I quickly shake it off, I have to. “I realized I had more than a responsibility to these girls. I needed to start really taking care of them: the ones who had no one else, who were in trouble, who didn’t have the strength to make it on their own. I just couldn’t let it happen again.” Shaking my head I continue, “They needed someone to talk to who understood how hard it is to be a Slayer and who would think they were completely insane.”
“So I went back to school with Will, Ken and Andrew at KentState. During breaks I brought the troubled Slayers here. Even though I didn’t have my formal training yet, we all knew being with us was better than being pumped up with drugs and locked up in some room.” I stop for a second to watch Emma stare at the floor as she nods, silently realizing what her life could have been like.
“We actually lucked out when one of my psych professors was attacked by a vamp. I was doing a sweep of the campus and saved him. He had been here in Cleveland for a while, so knew things were fishy, but he was super cool when I confirmed that, ‘yes that was a real vampire I just dusted’.” I smile remembering Dr. Graham, “He would stop by once a week to talk to the girls that needed a more professional touch.”
“And that’s how it went for about a year... until the day I felt a part of my soul wrenched away from me.” I look at her with a sad smile, “That was the day I stopped feeling my connection to Faith. At the time I didn’t know it was the Powers that Be changing her, so I totally freaked out. One day it just stopped, like a phone line had been severed. Even though I never saw her, I took comfort in feeling her presence. It was like I was never alone. I was scared to death something happened to her, so I made Kennedy find her to make sure she was alright.”
“That turned out to be a sticky situation because I was involved with a woman named Jessie at the time.” I lean my head back and sigh at the surprised look on Emma’s face, “Yeah, I know, I finally get the courage to date a woman, a Slayer even, and Faith is nowhere to be found.” I shake my head, “I had just started dating her when it happened. I thought I did it, you know, stopped the connection because I was with her, then after Ken found out Faith was ok, Willow told me it was mystical and had nothing to do with me and Jessie. Ever the stubborn fool, deep down, I still blamed myself,” misting up again, I slowly exhale. “A part of me died once I lost that piece of us.”
“The funny thing? Jessie was great about it. Her and Ken had became fast friends when I was in Rome. Then when I came back and Jessie pursued me they had a common adversary: ghosts. Ken was still feeling the effects of measuring up against the ghost of Tara, and Jessie was trying to get something off the ground with me while the specter of everything that was Faith haunted all of us. In the end, Jessie knew I loved her, but I would always be in love with Faith. We never talked about it, but she knew. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for her. She was an amazing person and deserved so much more, but it was all I could give. She accepted it though and we had an incredible 7 years.”
Emma nods now, “I remember a flash of her. She was with you when you rescued me from the M’Fashnik demon.” She closes her eyes, “When you two hid me in the cavern, she told me you guys would come back for me. Her eyes were so clear of doubt, so trustworthy. I was so scared but she made me feel like I had a chance, like I was going to make it.”
“I was devastated when that demon killed her. He told me I couldn’t hold on to a lover, they all died, that everyone I love dies.” I lean my head back on the couch then continue, “Bastard really fucked with my head. He left me there, with her dead body at my feet, to go search for you. I was ready to let him kill me too. I was just so tired of losing people. Then Faith came to me, I didn’t see her, but I heard her. She gave me the strength to get up and get you out of there. I didn’t find out till later she spent more than two years being tortured in a hell dimension for it.” I rub my eyes, “Crazy things you do for love, huh? And after the shitty way I had treated her? I so didn’t deserve it.”
She’s shaking her head now, “I always knew she loved you Buffy, but that’s pretty incredible.” She shakes her head again, “almost unbelievable.”
“I know,” I smile sadly, “some times it makes the sheer amount of years we threw away harder to bear.”
Emma takes hold of my hand and sighs, “You didn’t throw them away. It sounds like you two had a lot going on; you both had a lot of your own stuff to deal with before you could have tried to do something together. It’s just amazing in itself you ever managed to come back to each other again.”
At that last bit, I laugh, “Why do you think she was in my bed 24 hours after we hadn’t seen each other in 10 years? I wasn’t going to waste another second.” Then I sigh, “After we spoke that first night after so many years, I knew we were finally going to get the chance we kept blowing all those years before. I could feel it the moment she put her arms around me; and I knew she felt it too, the overwhelming need to be together. I also knew the onus was on me to get us there.”
“Right after Dawn took you up to bed that night, the rest of the gang left us alone. They knew we needed to talk …”
***** FLASHBACK *****
“I felt you here when Angel and the others died.” I put my glass on the ledge and wrap my arms around myself as I stare into the darkness of the backyard.
Faith puts her glass down, “I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Sure you were.” She rises; stepping in behind me she lays her hands tentatively on my shoulders. “You’ve always been stronger than you thought.”
Shaking my head, “I needed you.” Suddenly all the pain of these last years is back and falling on me like a dead weight. I lean back into her and close my eyes. I can’t help the tears from coming and I’m too tired to care. Then, I feel Faith’s hands slowly slide down my arms and surround my waist, drawing me nearer.
“I knew I couldn’t stay and I didn’t want to make things worse.”
I could feel as well as hear Faith’s heart beating rapidly. It was clamoring as fast as mine. I let out the breath I had been holding, “You still feel it too.” It wasn’t a question.
“Never stopped,” She whispers in my ear.
“But you wanted me to think you didn’t care.”
“It was the only way I could find the strength to leave you. I had some serious issues I needed to work out.”
Thinking about it for a minute, I wipe my eyes and try to keep my voice even. “Did you get it worked out, Faith?”
It takes Faith a moment to answer then she rests her chin on my shoulder, “Yeah.”
I slide my arms over hers, holding them in place, “Then I guess it was worth it.”
We stay like that, her body encircling mine, looking out into the night that was soon becoming day. The exhaustion finally takes me and I sway, Faith tightens her grip, holding me up. “You ok?”
“Yeah, just, no sleep in two days.”
“Why don’t you get to bed and I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Ok, I should be done by 3:00 – 4:00.” Making no move to leave the warm, safe circle of Faith’s arms I realize I wouldn’t be in her arms right now if I wasn’t exhausted and my guard down, but I’m happy I am. I know it’s crazy and I should be angry or at the very least aloof, but I’m not, can’t help it. I’m such a freak.
“Take as long as you need, I’ll wait.” She means it in more ways than one and I nod to let her know I understand both meanings. Faith hesitates, then kisses the back of my head and turns to leave, “Goodnight B.”
I can’t help the words as they tumble from of my mouth, “Are you really going to stick around this time?”
Faith stops short as if the blow was physical. “As long as you let me,” she calls back before she lets herself out.
***** END FLASHBACK *****
“Ok, that last bit was kinda cheeky, but I needed to let her know I seriously wanted this, wanted us to be together.” Then I chuckle, “and yeah, I also wanted her to know the sting of her leaving me in LA was still very much an ache for me.”
“I get that,” Emma nods, letting it all sink in.
I cock my head to the side, “So was this more cathartic for me than you?”
She grins, “God Buffy, I knew you guys went though a lot of shit but, that’s one incredible story.”
“Well, my long winded moral to the story is: don’t walk away if it feels right.”
Emma sighs, “I don’t want to walk away but I want to give Sophia time to sort it out for herself too. She’s never really dated anyone besides Norberto and I’ve never dated past 2 months. Not that we’re dating… at least I don’t think we are…” She shakes her head, “It’s all so very confusing, this feelings business. I guess we’re just going to feel it out, go slow. And I can do slow... I think...” She looks up at me then rubs the back of her neck, “I still think I’m going to fuck this up.”
“You,” I lean forward and ruffle her hair as I laugh, “are not going to fuck it up.” Looking at her, I continue seriously, “From what you said, you both feel an attraction,” she nods, “and want to pursue it?” I ask as I raise my eyebrows.
She nods again with a hint of a sheepish grin that is quickly spreading, “Yeah.” Can someone tell me how, although they’re not related by blood, she can wear Faith’s smirk as if it were part of her genetic makeup?
I laugh as I shake my head, “So what does Sophia say? You two were kinda inseparable when she was here.”
“We really didn’t talk much, just kinda hung out, you know? It’s like we’re not ready for the words, at least not yet anyways.” She fumbles with the crease in her jeans, “But she did say she wants me to take some time to work through what happened with Richard. I think she’s afraid I’m turning to her because of what happened.” Then she looks up at me, “But this started before then.”
Placing my hands together then pressing them to my lips, I nod. I can’t help but allow a bit of ‘Dr. Buffy’ to slip out of this ‘Mom Buffy’ conversation. I carefully state, “It all happened at the same time, she has a valid fear, Em.”
“I know,” she glances away, “but that’s not what’s going on here.”
Deciding to just drop it for now, I nod and ask, “So how did you leave it?”
“Just that we’d talk later,” she plays with the crease again.
Trying to catch her eye, I tilt my head and smile, “And have you?”
“Just for a minute, this morning after the ‘hunting party’ came home, she was on her way to the hospital.”
Again, I’m pulling teeth here, “And…”
“And it’s a little weird,” she huffs out. “I know you said you always had the tingles with Faith, but what about with Jessie? Was it always there or did it change? The feeling I mean. With Sophia, it’s gone from the regular feeling of a Slayer being around to this constant…”
“Connection?” I fill in the blank.
She nods, “Yeah… exactly.”
“It wasn’t as intense as it was with Faith, but yes, it changed with Jessie.”
She furrows her brow and plops her chin on her hand, “But it’s so powerful; it feels like… almost like I’m reading her, but more? It’s like she’s busted through my barrier, I can’t cloak it.”
“I asked Andrew about it and he thought it was the endorphins we normally feel when we have feelings for someone getting all wrapped up in the Slayer in us. I’ll bet he’d say the Empath in you is reacting to her as well.”
Lifting her eyebrows, “Such a romantic, isn’t he?”
“Aw, he’s just a guy that loves to solve the mystic questions that surround us with science. Andrew is a true alchemist at heart.”
Smirking she nods, “I know, but he’s so fun to tease.”
I’m about to ask her how she’s dealing with the whole Richard situation when the phone rings. I jump up and grab it, “This is Dr. Summers.” So yeah, Mrs. Pinnington was right – God how she loves to hear that – about how I answered the phone.
“Hey, Buff, it’s Vi and I’d suggest you sit down, like now.” She’s all business I think as I look up at the clocks, and damn, it’s almost midnight over there; Em and I were talking for a while.
Sitting, I look over to Em, then reply, “Ok, sitting.”
“Is Emma or Faith home? I’d like to ask them some questions about the other night.”
Motioning for Em to come and sit in my guest chair, “Emma’s here, I’m putting you on speaker.” Pressing the speakerphone button, then, “Ok, go ahead.”
“Ok, I just got a boatload of info on Richard in Pulbourogh, and Buff?”
Furrowing my brow, I look at Emma then the phone, “Yeah?”
“He’s old, like Dracula old.”
Meeting Emma’s knowing stare, I get up, “Vi, talk to Emma for a minute, I’m going to get the others.”
