Chapter 9: Healing
LATER THAT MORNING – BUFFY’S OFFICE – 10:28 AM
ANDREW’S POV
Buffy’s sitting on her desk facing us; she looks pretty beat, so does Sophia. Faith just looks kinda feral and after earlier with the coffee cup, I’m keeping my distance. Buff puts her hands through her hair then glances around, “So what do we know?”
It’s been a flurry of activity since we woke up. Buffy and Faith have spoken with the heads of the other SC’s twice, Sophia got the full run down on Richard from Graciana, Willow had been on the phone with Ms. Hartness for hours, Dawn and Ken have been trying to keep the SiT’s away from the main house and I’ve been trying to put all the pieces together as I get them.
Will starts, “The Coven is trying to put a trace on the magic used around vampire activity. The only problem with that is we’re basically going to have to wait until he does it again.”
“That’s not an option,” the words seem to seethe from Faith’s mouth. God, she’s freaking me out.
Willow looks from Faith to Buffy, “Ah, yeah, sorry, I meant until he tries to do it again.” Faith nods at this and Will continues, “They are going to have a global communication later today, sort of like a Wicca summit to see if they can find the witch or witches that are helping them.”
“Good, Will, and Ms. Hartness is calling afterwards to touch base?” Buffy’s good that way, she knows the answer, she’s just dotting i’s and crossing t’s.
The redhead nods, “You bet, this is first on everyone’s priority list.”
Sophia speaks up next, “Graciana is having her Slayers write up detailed accounts. We thought it would be the best way not to miss any details. She’ll email them to me by tonight then I’ll start translating, so I should have them to you by the morning.”
“That seems like a lot of time,” Faith’s patience is wearing thin.
Sophia turns to Faith and clenches her teeth. She takes a deep breath then slowly lets it out trying to be as tolerant as she can, “You can’t rush something like this. The girls will be going over their accounts multiple times before sending them so they don’t leave anything out.” She holds Faith’s glance, “We all want to find him.”
“I know,” Faith lowers her head to her hands, rubbing her face.
Thinking this is a really good time to jump in, “I’ve gone over bits of the prophecy, and there is actual mention of the Anunnaki using ‘lower beings that are more than human’ to aid them in their return. In a way it almost makes perfect sense for the vamps and witches to be working with them.”
Willow and Faith both raise their eyebrows as Ken just glares at me.
“Oh, sorry, evil witches, present company are totally excluded.”
“See? I told you.” We all turn to see Nicky standing in the doorway talking over her shoulder.
Then Emma comes into view, “Hey guys.” She looks around the office, her eyes settle on Faith’s bandaged hand, “What the hell happened to you?”
Faith, who was staring at her shoes since Nicky first spoke, just shrugs.
Buffy helps out, “A coffee mug got in between her hand and the kitchen counter.” She jumps off her desk and wraps Emma in a huge hug, “Glad you’re ok, honey.” She pulls back then winks at Sophia, “Well, we knew you were in the best hands of course, snooty boots Chief of Staff and all that.” She tilts her head at the senior doctor then jumps back on her desk.
“Yeah if I knew you guys were going to put me to work I would have stayed in Chicago,” Sophia retorts.
It gets the desired tension-breaker-laugh, but Em is still preoccupied with Faith, who’s still intently making sure the floor doesn’t move under her watchful eye. Em walks over to Faith, “I’m fine, the extra sleep was nice.” As she sits on the arm of Faith’s chair, the Dark Slayer crosses her legs and leans on the opposite arm. Emma frowns, “So you guys gonna fill us in on what you found out while Nick and I were napping?”
We rehash it all for them, filling in all the details of what we’ve learned from this very long morning. Once we’re done Emma gets up.
“I’m going to write my own account of what happened last night. I think it’s a great idea, you should too Faith.” When Faith only nods, Emma narrows her eyes as she shakes her head at her.
Catching that there’s some major guilt-weirdness going on there, Sophia gets up and takes Emma by the arm. Em jumps then turns to her questioningly, “Let’s go down to triage so I can remove your stitches.”
Emma just looks at her, nods, then follows her to the basement.
Buffy sweeps her eyes around the room then tilts her head to the door. Probably the most graceful way she ever said ‘get out now.’
BUFFY’S POV
Once everyone filed out and closed the door, I turn to Faith, “You better get some sleep.”
“I have too much to do, I - ”
Jumping down from my desk again I crouch down in front of her, “Baby, you just treated Emma like she has the plague. You need to stop blaming yourself, accept what happened and get some fucking sleep.” Standing I continue, “The last thing she needs right now is you giving her the cold-shoulder.”
“I am not!” She stands up right in front of me, fists clenched, glaring down in all her Faithy-ness.
Yeah, she’s got me by a couple of inches, but you know what? I’m right and that’s all the height I need. “You wouldn’t make eye contact with her; you wouldn’t even speak to her. Jesus, Faith, what do you think is going through her mind right now? Do you have any idea how much you hurt her?” I turn back to my desk and push some papers around.
“I, I,” she shakes her head, “Fuck Buffy, I’m ashamed I couldn’t stop him. So, no, I couldn’t look her in the eye, I don’t know how I ever will again.” She sits back down frustrated, “I was the fucking champion of the PtB for 20 fucking years and I couldn’t stop him.” She runs her fingers through her hair, “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
There’s nothing I want to do more than to comfort her right now, but I know I can’t. I need her to understand the effect her guilt is having on Emma, Hell, all of us.
“I’ve never felt so helpless in my life, just standing there and watching him… do that to her, god damn it, it makes me crazy. I kept thinking: if it wasn’t Emma I would have tried to take the demon out. But I just couldn’t take the chance, so I let him. Fuck, I let him! How can she ever trust me again?” She puts her head in her hands, “Love makes you so fucking weak,” she says in disgust.
Walking back over to her I kneel down in front of her again, “Baby, I know you’re having a hard time with this, but you have to stop now and get over it cause your actions are doing more harm to her than good right now.” I lift her head then take her hands in mine, “And you’re wrong, love doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. It took enormous strength to wait for an opportunity to turn the tables when you’re outnumbered 20:1, Faith. It’s easy and weak to react blindly in a fit of rage. Whether you believe it or not, you showed incredible strength by getting the two of you out of there alive.”
“I’m a jackass,” she’s back to sulking.
Shaking my head, I chuckle, “No, you’re just you. Please, take a nap, baby? You’re stalking around like you’re going kill somebody, it’s freaking everybody out.”
“Really?”
I roll my eyes, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought Will was going to leave the room when you snapped at her. Ken is waiting for you to pounce so she can pull you off the poor person. Andrew and Dawn have been keeping their distance since you tried to become one with the coffee mug this morning. And just now I thought Sophia was going to break you in half when you shrank from Emma as she sat on the arm of your chair.”
“I shrank from her?” her brow is knitted in disbelief, disregarding everything else I said.
Pulling her to the door, I shake my head and laugh, “Please?”
“I’m sorry.”
I give her a quick kiss, “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, babe. Go rest then find Emma and talk to her, ok?”
Nodding, she mumbles, “Deal.”
She turns away but I hook her arm and pull her back to face me. Putting both hands on her shoulders I look her right in the eye, “There was nothing you or anybody could have done to stop what happened. You know, I know what I’m talking about.”
Bowing her head, she sighs, “I know. I guess that’s why I wanted to stop it even more. I didn’t want her to have to live through what you did, what you told me it was like.”
“Didn’t you once tell me you can’t save everybody from everything?” I try to get a little smile.
I’m rewarded with a smirk, “Yeah, but who ever listens to me?”
MEANWHILE IN THE TRIAGE ROOM
SOPHIA’S POV
Good God, I had to get Emma out of there. Faith is in the middle of her own little freak-out and I am not going to let her drag Em into it. Buffy knew what I was doing; we exchanged glances before I took Em downstairs. Jesus, I hope she talks some sense into her; Em really doesn’t need anything else on her head right now.
Em sits on the exam table, “Did you even nap yet?” she asks dejectedly.
“No, soon though,” I remove the gauze and see the gash is healing quite nicely, almost entirely closed, “right after I fix you up here, ok?”
She nods then holds still as I start to remove the stitches. Slowly, her head bows until her chin is resting on her chest. I have to pull back and stop, “Em?”
She doesn’t answer.
In my sleep-deprived state, it takes me a couple of seconds to realize she’s crying. “Emma?” Then I’m nervous for a moment. What do I do? What does she want me to do? Should I do anything? Mentally kicking myself, I throw the suture cutter and tissue forceps on the table. Taking a step forward, I put my arms around her. Whoa, here we go again, I think as my body hums when it touches hers. I take a deep breath then exhale, trying to concentrate on pushing the intoxicating feeling to the back of my mind. She needs a friend right now, not all this, whatever ‘all this’ is.
“I’m sorry,” she sobs into my neck, “I just feel so... then when Faith... and she…” Emma winds her arms around my waist then just breaks down. I’m so going to kill Faith.
Rubbing my hands up and down her back, “Shhh, it’s ok, just let it out.”
“But Faith hates me now; she won’t even look at me. I know she thinks I let him -”
I pull back from her and take her face in my hands, “Look at me,” she’s shaking her head ‘no’. “Emma, look at me,” I force her head up, “Faith does not hate you, she loves you very much. She’s going through her own shit right now that she really shouldn’t be putting on you. She feels responsible for what happened and thinks you’re disappointed in her for not stopping it. She’s not blaming you, babe, she’s blaming herself.”
“But there was no way she could have stopped it,” she furrows her brow at me, “neither of us could, we... I... I couldn’t stop him.” The tears begin anew.
Drawing her back into me, “We all know that, Faith just has to realize for herself there was nothing she could have done. That little bastard did it to fuck with your heads.”
“Well, he won,” she says it with almost equal parts of anger and resignation.
I shake my head as I pull back again trying unsuccessfully to catch her eye, “No he hasn’t, you’re stronger than that, both of you are.”
“I don’t feel very strong right now,” she sniffles, her head hung low again. Then, exhaling loudly, “Thank you,” she rubs her hands along the sides of my waist; “again,” she scoffs as she shakes her head. Then she looks at me and everything changes.
It’s as if we both suddenly realize the position we’re in: me standing between her legs, her hands gently moving up and down my sides, my own making slow circles on her back. There’s this feeling, this intensity radiating from both of us and it’s something I have never experienced in my life. It’s so unbelievably strong, I can hardly stand it. But there’s one thing I do know: I don’t have to be an Empath demon to see she’s feeling it too.
Though I don’t remember consciously moving forward, I’m leaning in closer to her, it’s like I’m being drawn to her. I can feel her breath on my face and now my heart is threatening to pound right out of my chest. We’re so close, watching each other, neither one of us wanting to move that last inch. That is, until her fingers dig into my waist, pulling me to her. Her gaze drops to my lips, back to my eyes then there’s no room left between us as her lips tentatively graze mine. Both our eyes slam shut as we reel from the strength of this new connection we share.
It’s the sheer power of the kiss that knocks me out of my reverie. Slowly, I pull back shaking my head as I whisper, “I can’t do this.”
Her forehead drops to my shoulder and she blows out a breath, groaning in frustration.
Almost panting, still recovering from the jolts flying through my body from the brief moment our lips met, I look up at the ceiling and swallow, hard, “not like this.”
Neither of us moves for what seems like ages. Then, I feel her gently nod, “I know.” She sighs heavily, “I’m freaked out and needy.” I hear the exasperation in her voice.
“Em,” I try to stop her, I don’t want her to think I’m being patronizing, or worse, rejecting her. As she lays the side of her head flush against my shoulder and tightens her arms around my waist, I realize she’s thinking none of those things. I can’t help but return the hug; pulling her close and rubbing my chin against the top of her head. Who said doing the right thing is easy?
I feel her mouth open, then close against my collar bone. She takes a deep breath then lets it out. The hot stream of air on my neck forces my eyes closed. Knowing she’s trying to choose her words very carefully, I stay quiet and wait for her to speak, “No matter what happened with that vamp, what’s going on between us is real, Sophia.”
I take a breath to answer but she plows right on.
“I realize I have to deal with what he did to me last night, but I need for you to know something,” she pulls away to look at me, “this,” her eyes never waver from mine as she waves a hand between us, “it does mean more.”
All I can do is nod.
BUFFY & FAITH’S ROOM – 1:52 PM
FAITH’S POV
I’ve been awake for about a half hour, but I just don’t feel like going downstairs and facing the music. As much as I hate to admit it, B was right, after a few hours sleep, I feel a lot better. And I know I’ve been acting like a fucking jackass.
At some point during my nap B crawled into bed with me. She’s still sleeping; an arm and a leg thrown over me, holding my back flush to her chest. I don’t want to wake her, but I want to see if Emma’s ok, so I close my eyes and send out a vibe to her. Just like a ‘hey’, nothing more, just to kinda see what sort of response I’d get. You know, see if she’s angry with me.
It takes a minute, that seems like hours, but she sends me a ‘hey’ back. Then, ‘I’m talking with Dawn and Andrew, doing a descriptive profile of Richard on the Mac.’
‘Fuck, why didn’t I think of that?’
‘Because you were exhausted maybe? Are you feeling better?’ she asks.
I shake my head; she’s always thinking about everybody else, ‘Yeah, how are you?’
Again there’s a pause, ‘Ok, but can I talk with you and Buffy later?’
‘Of course, Em, you know you don’t even have to ask.’
I can almost hear her intake of breath, ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Let me wake her up, we’ll be down in a minute.’
Immediately she responses, ‘NO’
‘Whoa, ok, relax.’
Pause, ‘Sorry, she just went upstairs like an hour ago, let her sleep.’
‘Ok,’ I take a breath, ‘Em?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I’ll tell you again in person, but, I’m really sorry.’
This time it’s a really long pause, ‘Faith, you have nothing to be sorry for. It was a fucked up night. It wasn’t your fault; it wasn’t either of our faults. We’ll talk later, ok?’
‘Ok.’
I turn around to face B and give her a little kiss as try to extract myself from under her limbs.
“No, more sleep now,” she begs, snuggling in.
Rolling her onto her back, “That’s right babe, go back to sleep.”
“No,” she pulls me into her, “we sleep now.”
Knowing what the Scooby gang must have had to deal with, during the infamous Cave-Slayer debacle, I chuckle, “You sleep now, B.” Kissing her forehead I get out of her grasp and head to the shower.
Once downstairs, I find Emma on the back deck sitting with Sophia. Not talking or anything, just chilling on the deck steps. I head to the fridge and grab a few beers thinking to myself, ‘ok nice and relaxed like.’ I pop the tops then head outside.
I call out, “Hey guys.”
“Hey,” they reply together, then look at each other and laugh a little.
Walking over to them I hand them each a beer, “I figure since no one is working this afternoon, a libation would be nice.”
Sophia gets up, “Thanks Faith but I’m gonna go and let you two talk.”
“You don’t have to go,” I offer.
Now standing she looks at me “Yeah, I do.” Then she turns to Emma, “I’ll be with Dawn.” Ok, ouch.
Emma nods then takes a sip of her beer.
Sitting on the step next to Em I put my beer between my feet. “You know, it’s awkward times like this that I miss smoking.”
“Don’t let Buffy hear that,” she turns to me.
I smile, “She knows I miss it sometimes, doesn’t mean I’m going to start again.” I take a huge gulp of my beer and decide to just say it, “I’m sorry I let you down Em. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t take the chance the demon would shoot you.” Turning fully to her, I fold one leg under the other, “You know I would have done anything I could to stop it, even take your place - ” That’s where she stops me.
“Faith, stop,” She lays her free hand on my thigh, “I know, and it’s not your fault, so just stop, ok?”
I place my hand over hers, “I didn’t have to be a jackass this morning, I am so sorry Emma. I just didn’t know how to act around you. I thought you were disappointed in me for not protecting you from that piece of filth.”
“Goddess, help me, and you were so worried you wouldn’t be a good parent?” She shakes her head, “I realize I was kinda out of it, but you took out the demon, the vamp that bit me and I think half the others by yourself, Faith. As soon as you knew the demon, shit, what was his name?”
I look down, “Solomon.”
“Right, as soon as you knew Solomon couldn’t shoot me, you stopped it. Don’t you get it? You did stop it.” She leans into me, “Thank you for saving my life, again.”
Putting my arm around her, I give her a squeeze, “So, on a scale from 10 to 1, exactly how pissed is everyone at me? Sophia looks like an 11 maybe a 12…”
“Sophia’s not happy with your reaction to me this morning, that’s all.” She waves her hand as if to dismiss it. “She’ll get over it.”
Narrowing my eyes at her, I venture, “So what’s going on there?”
“Huh?” She’s busted, total deer-in-the-headlights.
I nod, “It’s ok.” I take a swig of my beer then put it down between my feet again. “No big, you don’t have to tell me anything.”
“Not really much to tell,” she finishes her bottle then starts playing with the label.
Raising my eyebrows, “I so doubt that, but like I said, it’s cool.”
“Remember when I said earlier ‘it’s complicated’?”
“Gotcha,” I nod.
She shakes her head, “I don’t know, I mean I really don’t know.”
“I understand more than you realize.” I look at her, “It’s powerful, right?”
She turns to me, “Fucking intense would probably be a better description.” She puts her head in her hands, “Jesus, I never felt anything like it.”
“And you never will,” I smirk. Yeah, I had a feeling this was gonna happen.
“God, Faith,” she runs her hand through her hair, “It’s, it’s too much. I don’t think I can handle it right now. There’s just too much going on here,” she waves her hand around, “and here,” she points to her head, “and here,” she softly sighs as she taps her chest.
This is weird for us. We never talk about feelings like this. She talks to Buffy about the squishy stuff. She tells me funny stories about the nameless, faceless people she dates. She doesn’t tell me about real relationships, but then, I guess she’s never really had one.
She goes back to playing with her beer bottle, “I don’t even know if anything’s going to come of it. Like I said there’s too much going on right now, end of the world and all. So we’re just putting it on the back burner. You know, until we can think it through.”
“Sounds like you’ve already thought way too much. Some things don’t need to be thought through; they just need to be done.” I stand then turn to her, “Look Em, don’t make the same mistakes Buffy and I did. Well, I actually doubt you could make all of them.” I shake my head and laugh to myself, “Just, don’t waste precious time, you can never get it back.”
She looks up at me then back down, “I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up, Faith. I don’t know how to do relationships. I’m good for one, ok sometimes two months, tops.” Managing to peal the entire label off cleanly, she starts to stuff it into the empty bottle. “I can’t do that to her, I can’t hurt her like that.”
“Then don’t.”
Snapping her head up at me, “Do you think I want to?”
Now I know exactly how Ken felt when we were in the waiting room at Wolfram & Hart. Emma sounds like she’s read the script, and is now throwing my own words back at me. Sighing, I shake my head, “No, I don’t think you want to. I think you don’t trust yourself not to.” I sit back down next to her. Putting my arm around her, I continue, “Look, I’ve been in your shoes, I know exactly how you feel. I just don’t want you to throw something away without giving it a chance then regret it later.”
Her head is now propped up in her hands, elbows resting on her knees, “I know; I’m just really confused.”
“What does Sophia have to say?”
She smirks, “She thinks I’m freaked out and needy.” Then she sighs, “Ok, I said I was freaked out and needy. She actually hasn’t said much at all. She knows there’s more than friendship between us, she knows it’s real, she wants to give me time to get my head together about what happened last night before we think about taking it further.”
“Sounds like you got a good deal there.” I look her straight in the eye, “You should talk to Buffy, Em; she has some insight on how the other half thinks.”
