Chapter 3- The Ghosts Of Christmases Past, Present and Always
(A/N: There is a flashback in here that would happen a few weeks following the events of my 'Faith Find's Out' part of the story Some Things Matter More.)
So, I've replaced my phone, got me a real nice one, too. Touch screen and new fangled way of textin'. It's awesome. It also happens to have a big fancy glass screen, one that will get smashed if I breathe on it wrong, and that's why I got it. Not to mention its sleek and sexy and fuckin' sweet as pie but it was expensive, so I won't be so quick to smash the fucker next time.
Now, I'm sittin' in our livin' room, lookin' at the phone and hopin' for it to ring. I know I should probably call her, but I don't wanna bother her. Like, what if she's tryin' to put the baby down to sleep and I go and call and fuck up everything?
More than I've done up to this point, anyway.
Sittin' here lookin' at the tree, I spot the ornament she gave me all those years ago, and it brings my thoughts back to that time.
Scotland December 25th, 2004.
Ok, so technically this isn't mine and Buffy's first Christmas together, but she gave me this kickass ornament that's blue and silver and that's what it says on it. I guess it's our first Christmas as a real couple, like really, so it's worth commemoratin'.
We should be commemoratin' the sex we had tonight and last night, `cause that shit was off the chain! But I'll get to that in a minute, first I wanna tell you how this all happened.
I totally surprised Buffy by comin' back to the Castle for Christmas. I had told her me, Giles and Satsu couldn't get away from our mission in London and would be back before the New Year, maybe, which was actually true. But I fuckin' begged and pleaded with Giles to let me go, I also mighta threatened his balls again, so he finally said it was ok. Satsu was pissed because then that meant she couldn't leave, at least one of us needed to stay there. The look she gave me when Giles finally caved to my whiny plea, I wish I had a picture of. I would wear it on a fuckin' T-shirt. They should carve that fuckin' face into Mount Rushmore. It was P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S!
I couldn't gloat too much though, I had to haul ass outta there and get to a spot where Willow could teleport me to an area just outside the castle, in the woods surrounding the place. I'm glad it was there and not inside, `cause I spewed my guts out as soon as the teleportin' was done. She told me B had the same reaction to this shit, so I didn't feel so pansy-assed, but still I was fuckin' stunned. I was just about to say hello to her and the next thing I knew I was busy bendin' down and barkin' at the ground. Will came prepared though, she brought some wipes, mouthwash and an extra shirt just in case. She's gotta find a way to modify that shit, can't have that happenin' every time someone is teleported.
"Faith, this is gonna be so great! She's moping around the castle today, trying to be all cheery spirit girl, but it's not working. She practically ripped Andrew a new one for singing `God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen'."
"For singin' a Christmas carol, really? She must not like carols. That's good to know."
"Well, it was 8 in the morning, and he kind of barged into her room."
"Shit, I'm surprised she didn't rip his balls off. I woulda."
I'm finished cleanin' up and I gather my bag and we're rushin' up to the castle, all stealth like. It's noon and Buffy is supposedly havin' her breakfast. Slayers wake up late, it's a thing, ok? Good.
"Dawn's still Gigantor, I see." I nod over towards where I can see her out on the moors, runnin' around tryin' to catch a couple of the girls, they're playin' some sort of game. Guess it keeps her mind offa bein' huge. I love the Santa hat she's got on, she cracks me up.
"Yeah, I can't work out the spell to bring her back to normal. It's almost like it has to work its way out of her system."
"I'd like to fuckin' get the bastard who worked it in to her system. Fuckface."
"She still won't say exactly what happened." Will's a little out of breath as she tries to rush up beside me. When she finally catches up to me she puts her cold as fuck hands around my waist.
"Fuck, Red! They're cold-WHAT THE FUCK?!" She's lifted me up off the ground and now I realize we're flyin'. Holy mother of fucking fuck!
"You'd better hold on to me Faith, I'm not strong enough to keep holding on to you."
I put the strap of my bag around my neck securin' it so it doesn't plummet to the ground and brain someone, then grab onto her like she's my girl and I haven't seen her in weeks.
Heh. That's a funny way to look at it, `cause it makes me think of Buffy and what it's gonna be like when I see her.
The last time I came here and saw her wasn't such a pleasant experience, I almost kinda died. But whadda ya gonna do? I almost die every year now. It's kinda another thing about slayers. Especially tough fuckers like me.
We're gettin' closer to the castle and Will comes in for a landin'. She tells me to get ready. I don't really know how to get ready other than gettin' my feet ready to start walkin'. Which when we land, makes me look like the biggest dork in the world `cause I'm stumblin' around like Frankenstein.
Will thinks it's funny. I give her a pass on makin' fun of me `cause she's helpin' me out here, big time.
"What do I do now, Red? Do I just walk in like it's no big deal?"
"I think you should call her on your cell, see what she's doing. Then sneak up on her."
I look at her like she's nuts.
"What?"
"Sneak up on a Slayer? You still holdin' a grudge, Red?"
Will looks puzzled for a couple moments then looks at me with a smart assed grin. I know what's comin' next.
"Well, maybe just a little." She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "But seriously, Faith. I think you should kinda lead her one way and then…"
"I got it! How about this: You keep her occupied while I sneak into her room, then she comes in and I'm in her bed."
"And we don't see you two until New Year's." She says skeptically.
"What's wrong with that?" I wink at her.
"Faith, we have a whole big celebration planned!"
"Ok, ok, Red, don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm just jokin'. So what do you suggest?"
She thinks for a moment or two and then gets a huge smile on her face.
"Kennedy is supposed to dress up like Santa and help us in town with passing out gifts for the kids. Buffy's gonna be there. That would be perfect!"
"Wouldn't Ken be upset that I'm stealin' her job?"
Will looks at me like I'm the stupidest person on the planet.
"Do you think she's really happy about dressing in a Santa suit? She's been grumbling about it for days."
"Well, it would be kinda suckish, in that hot suit with the scratchy beard."
"You ever dress like Santa before?" Will looks all knowingly at me.
"Well…nah, that story's better left in the past." Don't need her knowin' I slept with the mall Santa one time.
Now don't go thinkin' that kinda shit. He wasn't 80, he was 20 and he drove a car, and his apartment was warm. I had been kicked out by my mother yet again. She couldn't stand the sight of my face. I guess `cause it looked like hers, and she could see everything she shoulda been and so she wanted to give me all the disadvantages in life. She had all the advantages and flushed `em down the toilet, I guess I was one of those things she wanted to flush. Drugs are a fucked up thing.
"Are you ok?" Will's got a weird sound to her voice, almost like I should spill my guts to her.
"Sure, fine, just thinkin' how much I'm gonna hate wearin' that suit." Guess I gotta get into the Christmas spirit somehow, and it would be fuckin' sweet to surprise B.
"Yay! She's not even gonna suspect anything. She thinks you can't come, oh my god!"
"What?"
"This is gonna be so good!" She lifts up off the ground and does a twirl.
She's so happy it looks like she's gonna lift off into outer space. Heh. She's a funny one. I feel really bad that I ever treated her shitty. But that's me, do without thinkin' and then feel bad about it later. This time, though, I ain't lettin' it fester until it becomes hatred for the person I did wrong to. I'm gonna make it up to her. Don't really know how yet, but I'll figure something out.
Fuck, someone's comin'! I leave Red twirlin' in the air and scramble behind a bush that's near the castle.
"Willow," Phew! It's only Andrew. "Xander wanted to know if the special delivery has arrived." He whispers.
I jump out from behind the bush and push the back of his knees so he goes down in a heap.
"Ahhhh!" He yells all girly like. "We're being attacked!"
"Shhh, Andrew!" Will yells, as some Slayers start rushin' over. "It's nothing, we're not being attacked. You can go back to your stations now." Some smile at me knowingly and give me a thumbs up. Not sure if that's because I'm here to surprise B, or if it's because I downed Andy. I bet he's just a tad annoyin' to them. A tad.
"Guess you can tell the Xan-man I'm here. But I gotta be hidin' out until later, so don't blow my cover."
"No, I won't!" He leaps up and hugs the shit outta me. I look at Red and she just shrugs her shoulders. "I'll help. Can I help?!"
"Sure dude, first you can start by not crushin' the goods." He lets me go and looks a little embarrassed. I think he just checked out my tits, but I must've imagined it, `cause the dude's gayer than me. Which up until a few years ago, wasn't so gay, but I guess I was just livin' a lie, `cause I've always been attracted to women.
Will steps in and pulls him away, maybe she caught the look he gave my girls and she's thinkin' I'm about to end his days.
I put my arm around his shoulders, might as well make the little guy feel at ease. I hook my arm through Will's and we start walkin' towards the door, but it swings open and Xander doesn't even look at us as he shouts back at the room, "You're going jogging, now Buffy?"
I grab holda Andy and then latch onto Will who launches up into the sky and over a parapet. The slayer on duty there just about pissed herself.
"What's such a big deal about me jogging, Xander?" She's limberin' up as she's talkin'.
"Well, it's just that it's Christmas Eve and you should relax."
"That's the thing. I'm about as relaxed as a high tension thingy,"
"Wire," He adds helpfully.
"Yeah that. Anyway, I just can't relax. I gotta go clear my head."
"Have you heard from Faith yet?"
"No,"
She sighs and the look on her face makes me wanna jump down and wrap her up in the biggest hug of her life. But even with bein' a Slayer I'd be flattened, so I don't go with my impulse. It would look festive, though, the red of my blood mixin' in with the green of the grass. Christmascide. Damn, I really should stop my thoughts from roamin'.
"She's probably on a stake out and can't call." Man he's layin' it on thick.
"Yeah, that's what she said she'd be doing. She might be able to call later though."
"Exactly. Well, have fun jogging!" Xand realizes he's done his part by announcin' she was comin' out, he's not really tryin' to make her stay, and walks back inside. This way I can go around gettin' reacquainted with everyone without B walkin' in on me.
She looks at him a bit curiously then laughs it off. She rolls her head around and as she goes to jog off she stops for a second, I see her stiffen up. She looks quickly to her left and right, without really makin' it known that she's scopin' her surroundin's. If I weren't a Slayer and didn't instinctively know our moves, I wouldn't have known what she was doin'.
She's lookin' for me.
Yep, that's right, the fuckin' jig is up. She can feel me. I didn't know it was really possible, and the fuckin' implications are makin' me feel all light headed. I stumble and Will puts her arms around me.
Buffy straightens her back and lifts her head, and when I think she's gonna turn around and look at me lookin' down at her, she looks to the side with a smile on her face and jogs off at a fast pace.
"Ok, we dodged that one!" Red says, and gets ready to take us down again.
"We didn't dodge nothin' Red, she knows I'm here."
"No! How could she?" She looks over at Andy and narrows her eyes. "You told her?!"
"Me?! What?! No way!"
"Hang on, don't go tryin' to cut off his balls. He didn't say nothin'."
"Well, how then?"
Shit, she's lookin' at me like she's sizin' me up for a shrunken head. I guess she hates when surprises are ruined. Especially since she's worked really hard to keep this one under wraps.
"She can feel me." I say quietly, not really believin' it's true.
"Isn't that a given, you're a Slayer, you all can feel each other, can't you?"
"Yeah, sorta, but somehow…"
"Somehow she knows you from the others." Andy says, all awe-and-wonder-like.
Will tilts her head to the side, lookin' at me curiously. Her mouth breaks out in a grin.
"What?"
"You're the one."
"The one what?"
"The one for her."
"Oh, come on Red, we've only just started goin' out."
"So?"
"So, don't go puttin' all these mystical implications on it."
"Why not?"
"'Cause it'll be doomed before it starts."
"Why do you say that?"
I shrug.
"Don't give me that shrug, Missy. Why do you say that?"
I sigh.
"I don't do well with followin' how things are supposed to go."
"Oh, so if you know that you guys are meant for each other, then you'll sabotage it so it'll never even happen."
"I wouldn't say that…" I say, slowly `cause I am sayin' that but I don't really wanna. Especially hearin' it out loud, it kinda sounds way stupid.
"You would say that, because you are saying that!" She gets all up in my face. Not the little mousy girl I knew from Sunnydale. "If you're gonna do something like that, Faith, tell me now and I'll send you back to London!"
"What?" I'm fuckin' stunned. I was only kinda kiddin'. Kinda.
"I'd rather you didn't come for Christmas and get Buffy's hopes up and then just…just…Pwoogh!" She mimes an explosion.
"Pwoogh?"
"Blow them up in her face."
I go to the edge of the wall, lookin' out at the moors, seein' Dawnie runnin' around like a loon. Barely seein' Buffy's head in the distance as she jogs towards the forest. Briefly I think that I hope she doesn't step in my puke. She'd ruin her sneakers, or worse, slip in it and ruin her outfit. I turn and look up at the top of the castle. It reminds me of when I was here the last time, and I almost threw myself off it.
Fuck, I'm such an Angsty Annie.
I've already worked this all out in my head; she and I were meant for each other. No one else makes me feel like she does, and she loves me. Me. Unconditionally. Why do I gotta think about fuckin' it up?
"What're you looking for?" Andy's lookin' up at the top of the castle with me. "Vultures?"
"Demons," I chuckle. I can feel him stiffen.
"They're here? On the roof?"
"Nah, they're in my head, and I'm tryin' to get `em out."
He relaxes.
"Willow, I'm just gonna go down now. It's a bit too high up here for me."
"Ok, have Tina help you down if you're feeling woozy."
She waits until he goes until she turns back to me with a look that could kill.
"Put the look away, Red."
"What look?"
"The look like your hair's about to go all black and your eyes are gonna burn a hole through my skull."
"Literally. They would." She lets me know she's got my number and she's not afraid to use it.
"Yeah, B told me all about that. Almost endin' the world."
"Faith, no one's trying to put pressure on you."
"I know."
"So if you know, why do you have to scare us like this."
"I was just kiddin', Red."
She looks at me a little softer now, but it's also like she can see my thoughts.
"Whatta ya lookin' at me like that for?" Ok, so I get a little defensive. Who cares?
"Because I've figured you out."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past."
"What about it?"
"I thought all of your posturing back then was just that, posturing. But I now know it was you being scared."
"Me?! Scared?!"
"Yes."
"Of what?!"
"Of love."
I laugh.
And then I stop, `cause she's right.
I look out to the distance and I can see a blonde head runnin' towards the castle, her pony tail is bouncin' like a blur, which means she's runnin' fast.
That makes me laugh again, she couldn't stand the suspense and came runnin' back.
Oh fuck.
Either that or she's bein' chased by somethin'.
"Get the other girls on alert, Red. We might be under attack." She looks worried but she springs into action, by placin' my arms around her and liftin' us off. She gets me to the ground in no time flat.
When she sets us down she looks at Buffy runnin' towards us, and a smile breaks out on her face.
"You're about to be under attack, that's for sure." She whispers into my ear and steps back.
A moment later I'm tackled to the ground by an out of breath, cold skinned, laughin', gorgeously crazy, maniac. She's peltin' me with kisses and squealin' like a nut.
"Faith! You said…" She fights for breath in between kisses and tryin' to talk. "You said you weren't…"
"Yeah, I lied. I'm like that."
"Oh, my God, I could kiss you!"
"So what're you waitin' for?" I smile at her and give a wink.
She hesitates for a moment and then leans in and plants one on me. I feel it everywhere. In my head that's spinnin', in my hands that are roamin' and in my toes that are curlin'. But most of all I feel it in my heart that's warmin' to her love for me.
When we break from our kiss we notice a crowd has gathered.
"Look! Someone get the special bow and arrow, we've got to kill a kissing demon, it's all over, Faith!" Vi says, all smart-assed like.
Buffy looks up and blushes about ten shades of red, and then tries to pull her shirt down a little, but its progress is stopped by my hands. I had worked `em under her top.
What? You think I'm not gonna cop a feel just `cause I've found the love? You're fuckin' insane!
"Well, it's good to see you ladies spreading the Christmas cheer." Xander says, sarcastically. Well, not sarcastically at all, he sounds like Ol' man Chester the Molester. I take my hands out from under B's top and smooth her shirt and hoodie back in place. She smiles at me and gives me a quick kiss to the lips. Then she accepts a hand from Xand and leaps to her feet.
She extends a hand to me and I do the same thing. Fuck, I sprang up like a jump bug. I guess I feel a hell of a lot lighter now.
Love makes you that way, I guess.
"Did you like the dinner?" B comes up to me and sits on the arm of the chair I'm sittin' in. I was just chillin' here sittin'and lookin' at the tree and everyone havin' a good time.
"Did I like the dinner?! I fuckin' loved it! You had all my favorites there! How'd you do that?"
"I have my ways," She says, slyly. Wigglin' the brows for maximum effect.
"Yeah, what's that?"
"If I told you, then I wouldn't have them anymore, now would I?"
"I dunno, tell me your ways and then I can better help you figure it out."
"You think I'm stupid, huh?"
I look at her seriously for a few moments and she looks like she's gettin' nervous waitin' for my reply.
"No, baby. I think you're wonderful." I pull her onto my lap and fix it so she's snuggled in to me nice and tight. I know she loves the cuddles. She loves the kisses too, so I plant a real slow and soft one on her.
"PDA alert!"
Fuckin' Squirt. Or Gigantic Squirt, I guess.
"Dawn, shut up!" B gets defensive.
"I just thought I'd help you guys announce when you were about to get hot and heavy so everyone could leave the room. That sight does not help with digestion." She looks all annoyed, but I know she's happy. `Cause she told me she was.
"Fine, then we'll just go up to my room." B says, all bitchy and gets outta the chair. She pulls my hand and practically lifts me, headin' off to her room. I was comfy in that chair, and I'd be more annoyed if I didn't know I was about to get some hot and heavy lovin' as soon as we were back in her room.
"B, slow down." I still gotta show her it wasn't nice to do that like that. I was havin' fun bein' with everyone.
She slows down and puts my hand on her tit. Well, fuck. That just shot my libido into fuckin' space and now I've forgotten what else I was gonna say.
Before I know it we're in her room and she's backin' me up onto the bed.
Now, I know I'm ready for sex most times she's like this, but this kinda feels like a set up for somethin' else. But even though I know that, I'm gonna get some quality kissin' in before she does what she's come in here to do.
I'm sittin' on the edge of the bed and she's straddlin' my lap. I think my kissin' has made her forget herself. When we break from our kiss her eyes look all kindsa unfocused.
I snap my fingers in front of her face and she lets out a little laugh.
"I wanted to give you another present." She whispers dreamily. Fuck, it floors me she's gets that way over me.
"I thought you gave me that present last night." I wink at her.
She's about to say somethin' smartassed I can tell, "Well, if you call that a present then I'll just have to save it for your birthday and Christmas."
Oh fuck, that's not a joke, that's a threat!
"Well then I won't call it a present, I'll call it a uhhh…I'll call it a…"
"If you call it a `service' then you're never getting anything for a very long time."
"Ok, I'll just shut up and ask you what you got me."
She reaches to the side and before she can get to what she's tryin' to get I pull her back. I just remembered somethin' and I'd really like to know the answer to it.
"Hey, B. How did you know what my favorite foods were, really?"
She looks like she's gonna say somethin' smart assed again, but then she gets serious.
"I just remembered what you talked about on patrol. Usually it was guys and clothes, but most of the time it was about your favorite foods."
"Really? Shit, I thought you never paid any attention to that. I threw in the clothes and the guys just in case you were listenin' every once in a while."
"Oh yeah? What did you talk about the food for?"
"'Cause I was always fuckin' hungry."
"And you're not hungry like that now? The great Faith of the massive appetite?"
"Nah, I only eat like that when I'm sexually frustrated."
"From all your stories about guys during patrolling, I would have thought you were never sexually frustrated, ever."
She said it innocently, as kind of a compliment, but it makes me feel like shit and I put my forehead on hers, closin' my eyes.
When I speak next, I speak to her heart.
"Those were just stories, B. `Sides, even when they weren't, I was never satisfied."
Pull back and look in her eyes, I can see she wants me to go on.
"All the sex in the world couldn't have satisfied me then, or ever, B."
"'Cause it wasn't with me?"
"No, `cause it wasn't with twenty people at once."
She hits me on the arm.
"Hey! No hittin', I was just kiddin'."
"Yeah, yeah. Always got an answer for everything." She's lookin' at me all sideways.
I look at her dead in the face and say sincerely.
"I love you; there'll never be another replacement for you in my heart. Ever since I saw you that night outside the Bronze I knew I was a goner. And then I let that get me all fucked up in the head. I'm sorry. I won't let that happen ever again."
She's got a bit of a tear goin' on.
"Say somethin', baby."
"I'm glad you feel that way." She stretches out again and gets a box out from behind the lamp. "Here."
It's not the size of a ring box, so I don't get all sweaty while tryin' to open it. I take of the ribbon and lift the lid. There's an ornament in here. I lift it out by its cord and hold it between us, readin' the writin' on the outside of it.
"Do you like it?"
"Like it? I love it!" I pull her in for a kiss. "It's great, B. When did you have time to get it done?"
"About a week after you went to London."
"Oh, you were confident I'd be here for Christmas, huh?"
"Not exactly, I figured I'd hold off on celebrating until you got back."
"Oh, that explains it."
She narrows her eyes at me.
"Explains what?"
"The Scrooge act Will was tellin' me about."
"She shouldn't have told you that, I was just a little bit upset."
"Yeah, well, don't worry. I was a lot bit upset. Giles almost lost a nut and Satsu's lucky she's not deaf."
"That bad, huh?"
I shrug and look away, "Just a little."
We're quiet for a few moments, then she reaches for the box, I'm about to put the ornament back in it when she pulls somethin' out of it. Whoa, that's a ring box.
"I, uhhh, I…" She stutters and then gets quiet again.
"You what, B?" I try to say that carefully so she doesn't get all spooked.
"I wanted to get you something that wouldn't mean what I wanted it to mean, but that would still mean what I wanted it to."
Yeah, that makes sense.
I guess the look on my face shows that she lost me, `cause she starts explainin' it again.
"I wanted to get you a ring and have it mean that you're mine, but I know how you are about commitment and I don't want you to feel like you're trapped, `cause really, I'm not sure how you feel about this whole thing anyway…"
"Buffy!" I cut her off.
"Hmm?"
"I love you, I want to be with you. What'd you get for me?"
She's got a silly grin on her face, I guess she likes that kinda thing. I'll have to say that more often, `cause that look on her face is adorable.
She opens the box and holds it out to me. "A pinky ring?" It's small.
"A toe ring." The silly grin widens. "I figured it would mean the same thing, but wouldn't be obvious `cause it would be on your toe and not your finger."
I know I'm takin' a risk here but I wanna play with her just a little.
"So what do you want this to mean?"
She looks away for a moment and when she looks back she looks kinda shy. She goes to speak and I stop her. I don't really wanna play with her heart, I couldn't bear the thought of hurtin' her.
"I hope you want it to mean the same thing I've been wantin' for a long time. I'm yours Buffy, and you're mine, and I don't really need a ring to tell me that, but if you want me to have it I'll proudly wear it."
The look on her face just keeps gettin' better. She pulls me in for a hot kiss. When we break she puts her forehead on mine.
"I was hoping you'd feel that way."
"Good, `cause I've been feelin' that way for a long time. Don't you ever listen to me?" I chuckle, `cause that was funny.
"Just a little." She says, usin' my words back at me. She leans in again for another kiss and this time I maneuver her around so she's under me on the bed. She starts pullin' at my clothes and I make quick work of her sweater and bra, tossin' `em off to the side on the floor. She's almost got my shirt off when I see her shiver a bit, then I look down at her skin and it's got all kindsa goosebumps on it.
"You cold, baby?"
She shrugs.
"Well, I'm gonna warm you right up." I pull off my top the rest of the way and unhook my bra, I spend a few moments just lettin' her get an eyeful of my goods. She reaches up to touch my skin and I brace myself for the jolt her cold hands are about to give my skin, but it never comes. Her hands are warm.
That's weird.
I take her hands into mine and give `em each a kiss, then place `em on either breast, she cups `em and then starts kneadin' `em, takin' the nipples between her fingers and squeezin' .
That makes me moan out into the room, it echoes. Damn sounds kinda weird hearin' myself like that.
She lifts herself up and takes one of my nipples in her mouth, swirlin' her tongue around it, and now I'm really moanin'.
"Oh, fuck, Buffy! That feels so good!"
She keeps that goin' for a while, and when it looks like my head may pop off my shoulders, she moves back a bit and undoes my pants. She's takin' over. She wiggles her way out from under me and kneels up, pushin' my pants off my thighs, then she maneuvers me down on the bed, like I did to her before.
"You toppin' me, B?"
"You got a problem with that?" She asks, all bossy like as she reaches down for my jeans and yanks them off.
"Not really."
"How come?" She's got a smart assed grin on her face.
I shrug.
"No shrugs, I wanna know. You probably always top, am I right?"
"Yeah, sorta." Which means, `yeah all the time'.
"But while we've been together you've let me take over, how come?"
I shrug a bit and she gives me a look. "I dunno, B. `Cause it's you I guess."
"It's me?"
"Yeah, I like to be dominated by you."
She looks stunned by that, then the look of desire in her eyes increases like a billion times and she rips my jeans off the rest of the way.
"Holy shit, B! You're lucky I packed more clothes."
"Shhh, I'm dominating. Now lay back and relax."
I do as she says and the things she does to me rock my world beyond my wildest dreams. I really don't know how the sex could get any better than this.
But I'm willing to stick around for a long, long time and find out. Whatever it takes, ya know?
So that was then, and this is now. And I'm sittin' here, starin' at the tree and gettin' all weepy eyed at the ornament.
The phone rings and I almost fall over tryin' to answer it and almost launch it into the wall. Fuck! I don't even have the warranty activated on it!
I recognize the number, it's Dawn's. For a moment I think I'm in for an earful, then I remember its Dawn's house number and not her cell.
"Buffy? I'm glad you called, I was just…"
"Faith it's me. I'm at Dawn's, I think you should come over." Alicia says seriously.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
"What happened?!" I try not to panic.
"What?"
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" It's not really workin' out, the not panickin' thing.
"Nothing, Faith! Oh! No! Nothing like that!"
"What then?"
"I've just been doing a lot of talking to Buffy and I think you need to come over here."
"What kind of talking?"
"Just about life and love."
"How about you come over here and tell me about it?"
"Faith…"
"Al…"
She sighs, which means she knows I'm right and she'll be over soon.
"I'll be there in a little bit, just let me go see her."
"You do what you need."
She's helpin' me out, I'm not about to piss her off.
"See you soon."
"Thanks, Al, I really appreciate it."
"Good." She laughs and then hangs up.
About a half an hour later she's at the door, she must have caught a cab.
"I'm really glad you came over. I was thinkin' of callin' B, but I didn't know what to say."
"How about, `hello'? That's a start."
"Yeah, it's a great start, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it."
"How did you let it get like this, Faith?"
"How should I know? I don't even know what I did."
"Are you going to let me in?"
I realize we're still standin' in the doorway.
"Sorry, come in." I watch her as she walks in, "You know you don't need an invite."
"Yes, I know, but even though I'm dead, I can't exactly walk through people or walls."
"Heh, that'd be pretty cool if you did."
I close the door and walk over to the armchair lookin' at her sittin' on the couch.
"So you talked to B."
"Yes, and I'm not going to tell you what that was about."
What?!
"So why'd you come here?"
"I wanted to tell you a story."
"If this is about Ebenezer Scrooge, me and B read that one already last year, and I've seen the movie versions like a billion times."
"No, this is about me and your grandmother."
Oh fuck, she's never really told me any of those stories. I don't say anything smart-assed, but I do think it, I wanna do a Sofia joke from the Golden Girls, you know the: `Picture this, Sicily 1925…' but I don't I just nod to her.
"What you said to me yesterday about me leaving her wasn't that far off, and that's why I threatened you. I apologize."
"Hey, you had every right, I was bein' a bitch."
"The night I left your grandmother, I was being an even bigger bitch."
"How'd that all go down?"
"She had just nursed me back to health from my second brush with death."
"How old were you?"
"We were both 16…" She trails off.
I nod to her again, signalin' to keep goin'.
"We had been…" She looks at me and gets an embarrassed sort of look.
I decide to try to put her at ease. "Hey, this is me you're talkin' to, you watch the baby so me and B can have some `alone time', I've given you tips on oral sex." Still makes her squirm though. "I mean, you've seen my wife's cooch for Christ's sake, don't wuss out on me now!" I end with a wink and a smile.
She returns the smile and sighs again. I don't think the sex is really what she's worried about tellin' me. Well, let me say that differently, I think the sex isn't the thing she's worried about tellin' me most.
"We had been intimate, for a couple of months. I had been a slayer for about four months or so."
"Ok…"
"She wanted me to bring her to America, she had some notion that we could live together in California…"
"Yeah…"
"I let my demons rule me; I told myself we'd never be a real couple, that I was corrupting her, that there would always be someone out there that would be better for her." She stops for a few moments, I'm beginnin' to see where this is goin' so I don't say anything.
"The truth is…" She stops and lets out a half sob/half laugh. "The truth is there was."
"She still loved you all those years though, she talked about you a lot."
"I know, and I dedicated my life to her. By helping you and your family."
"So, how'd you end it?"
She waits another few moments before answerin', "Spectacularly." After she says it she laughs kinda bitterly.
"You wussed out didn't you?"
"Yes." She hangs her head down as she speaks. "I fed her a bunch of lies about what our life would be like when we lived here, I let her think I was taking her with me to America. Then, over nothing I started a stupid fight and she told me to go by myself. She was kidding of course, and I knew it, but when I walked out on her I told her I'd do whatever she wanted. That night I caught a steerage boat bound for South America, I lived in Brazil for a while, then went to Argentina, finally ending up in the States a year or so later."
"You never spoke to her again?"
She hesitates before answerin'.
"You did, you spoke to her! You told me you never spoke to her again!"
"I did never speak to her again, not really. She never knew it was me."
"When?" Somehow I feel like I gotta defend my grandmother.
"She got my number from your mother, when she couldn't find Kate, she would call me and see where she was."
"She knew you as Ma's friend. You disguised your voice, huh?"
"Exactly, any time I spoke to her I did so in a real strong Southie accent."
Just then I remember something from the past, something that Gee Gee had told me on the day she told me about my mother.
"You're the one who called Gee Gee to tell her my Ma had died, didn't you?"
She nods, "How did you know?"
"You must've forgotten to disguise your voice, she told me her best friend from Sicily had called and let her know. I thought she was a bit confused, `cause you were supposed to be dead. She really thought of you as an angel, I guess."
"I guess I was in a way, I set her up with your grandfather."
"He was a good dude, thanks for that."
"Had I been straight I would have went for him." She laughs.
I get all serious on her.
"You didn't think your love was strong enough to get through any hardship?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"Don't turn this around on me, I wanna know about you." I'm gettin' a little annoyed.
"I didn't want to put her through what I knew I was going to have to go through."
"You know the havin' kids spell has been around for centuries, I coulda been your grandkid."
She looks down at the ground kinda guiltily.
"Oh fuck it, don't tell me my mother is your kid and I'm your grandkid!"
Her head snaps back up, "No, no! I would never allow her to cheat on your grandfather. No. What I've told you about us is true, she never really knew I was alive. Until I called her about Kate. It's true."
I nod at her and she keeps goin'.
"I just…it would have been wonderful to have kids with her."
"In a way you kinda did. You'll never get older, so you've gotta take care of us for the rest of our days, and our kid's days, our grandkid's days, their kid's days, their grandkid's---"
She holds her hand up stoppin' me.
"I get it, I get it." She laughs, then gets a serious look. "Would you do me a favor?"
"Anything."
"Would you stop being so pig-headed and trust Buffy's love for you?"
I sigh and look at the carpet.
"I'll try."
"You've said that before, you'll try, can you please just do it?!"
"What the hell are you gettin' all bent out of shape over?"
She gets up and points to the wall, "You're going to lose that girl if you keep treating her like she's settling for you!"
"Damn, A. You don't gotta yell."
"I do gotta yell! It's the only thing that seems to work with you!"
"Yeah, like my mother did a hell of a job raisin' me by yellin'."
"No, your mother did no such job, you only remember the yells because they were traumatic. If you weren't at your grandmother's…"
"You were there for me."
"Yes."
"Then I went with Emily, and that was all she wrote."
"No, then that opened up your life for your current situation." She looks at her watch. "Which could still be salvageable, you just have to bite the bullet and do it."
"I don't even really know what I did."
"Don't you?"
I sit and think about that for a while. Fuck. I have one of those Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense moments where I see all the things that seemed ok at the time, but in a different way now, `cause I know the real deal.
I've been a prick, completely inattentive, workin' late, not spendin' any time with B alone. I mean, when's the last time Alicia sat for us? When's the last time we went out to dinner? Oh fuck, when's the last time we had sex?!
I thought it was the both of us, but mostly it's been me.
I sit up in my chair. "I gotta go see her."
"You should." She gets her keys out. "Here, take my car."
"Fuck the car, I'm teleportin'. You comin'?"
"For what?"
"In case I fuck things up, or in case things go right, you can watch the baby for us."
"You don't need me there for that, you know Mia sleeps like a dream, and even if you did get interrupted you wouldn't care. What's the real reason?"
"To stop me from doin' something stupid."
She looks spooked.
"What would you do?"
"Not go."
"Oh, fuck that!"
That cracks me up, she doesn't usually curse like that.
She grabs my arm and sets herself, gettin' ready to be teleported. "Ok, I'll go with you, then I'll go see Pam."
I think of something else.
"You ever regret the path you took?"
She looks at me seriously, "Everyday. But then I see you and your wonderful family, your Aunt and her wonderful family, even the stuff I went through with your mother, I did it because I wanted to help you have a better life. Better than what I had made for myself. I don't regret anything. Anymore."
"You didn't get to say goodbye."
"I did in my own way, but that's not a story for now. You should get us going."
"Cool. Brace yourself Vampirella, we're outta here!"
I wish I had a cool fro to do the head bob with.
