Faith's P.O.V
Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
This bites.
I kick the heels of my docs against the gravestone I'm currently sitting on.
Bored. Kick. Bored. Kick. Bored. Kick. Bored...
Where the hell did all the evil run away to?
Maybe they heard I was patrolling tonight...
'Cause they know I'm no pastel-wearing Princess.
I'll fuck 'em up!
But, they have to come to me if they want to die.
What?
I said I'd patrol.
I didn't say actively.
This is about the principle of the matter.
Saying I'd patrol... What's that all about? Don't get me wrong; I love kicking the crap out of things. Especially if there's a little blonde hottie by my side. Still... passive patrolling is kind of a 'Fuck you, B.' Who does she think she is, anyway? Making me agree to whatever she wants before I even have time to process the words coming out of my mouth.
But, she sure did look hot today. Shoulda thrown her over the counter and fucked her nice and hard. My fingers inside her while all of her friends stand around watching. Bet she'd like that shit.
No, I'd like that shit.
I've officially resigned myself to my fate...
Can't get over B.
Can't have B.
Just gotta keep it all in perspective.
I think I ran out of juice. I wonder what's still open this time of night.
And where the FUCK is all the evil?!
Buffy's P.O.V
"Hey, boys and girls. Ready to par-tay like it's 1999?" Xander asks, doing his impression of dancing. Looks more like a retarded monkey.
"Yeah, or like every other day that we're here." I mumble.
"Somebody is not a happy little camper." He puts on his sympathy-face. "That time of month?"
"No, it's not." Angel and Willow both say at the same time.
Does everybody know my cycle? I think I'm kind of disturbed. Especially by how Angel knows.
"What? No! And like I'd tell you, anyway."
"That's okay because I really didn't want to know."
"Good because I wasn't going to tell you."
"Good because I didn't want to know."
"Good."
"Good."
"You're good, I'm good. Everybody's good and Buffy's not menstruating." Cordelia throws her hands up in the air. "Can we go inside now, Bert and Ernie?"
"Okay." Xander takes Cordelia's arm. "But, Buffy's Bert."
"Am not."
"Are too." He sticks his tongue out at me.
"I was always partial to Bert, myself," Oz cuts in. "All those bottle caps. Got to appreciate someone who knows what they like."
"I didn't like the rubber duckie." Willow smiles at her boyfriend. "They were grown men. Kinda creepy."
"I liked the Cookie Monster," Angel says, while I take his hand. He's too cute sometimes.
"That's sweet, honey."
"And thus begins the great Sesame street debate. Can we continue this fascinating conversation somewhere a little less public? There are shadows and dark corners inside. That way people won't actually see me associating with you all." I'm beginning to regret the amount of times I've saved Cordelia's life.
"Fine," I throw in. "Cordelia can be Big Bird."
"What makes you say that, Buff?" Xander asks before Cordy even has a chance to open her mouth.
"I don't know. The guy just always bugged me." I walk past them into the Bronze, pulling Angel along behind me.
**********
"You know you're under-age, don't you?" Angel says. I take a long, exaggerated drink of the beer I made him buy for me.
"You've got more than enough age for the both of us." For some reason he doesn't seem reassured by that statement. "Don't worry, I have minty fresh mints. Besides, Faith's always saying that I should loosen up."
"Not too loose I hope," Xander says.
"You wish," I snort.
"Yeah, but it just never happens," he sighs, shaking his head. "I even prayed to the Easter Bunny. Not quite a Slayer of my very own, but the chocolate was acceptable."
"Don't you have a Cordy-place to be?" I roll my eyes, shifting myself onto Angel's lap.
"She doesn't like it when I talk to her in public," he shrugs.
"At least she acknowledges your relationship... its progress."
"Yes because the repulsion was such a turn on."
"She wasn't repulsed. She was embarrassed." Why do I get the feeling that I'm not really helping?
"Ahh, repulsively embarrassed." He says with mock - enthusiasm. "My favorite of all negative feelings directed toward me by women."
"Beats homicidal," I shrug.
"True. Lack of bloody violence is definitely a necessity in a relationship." He looks at us with a smart-ass smirk. "But, I guess you guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
"Yeah, but Angel's not repulsed by me." I smile, leaning back to kiss him.
"She's not repulsed!" he says defensively. "She's..."
"Embarrassed?" Angel asks innocently.
"Yes! I mean... No! You know what? You don't get to make comments, evil Creature-Of-The-Night."
"Xand, he was joking... He does that sometimes."
"It's true." Angel agrees.
"The People Eating Comedian, everybody!" He throws his hands up. "Bet you'd bring in a lot of money at The Bite and Joke."
"Wow, you are angry because that wasn't even funny." I turn to look at Angel. "No more jokes. It's not good for his banter-age."
"Sorry."
"So, I know why Cordy's not here. But, where's Willow and Oz?" I ask.
"Bathroom and backstage, respectively." Xander points in the general direction of both.
"Ooh, bathroom. Sounds good." I stand up.
"It's not an appetizer. It's a public bathroom. Complete with disease and germs and a whole bunch of other icky stuff. Also, you're not leaving me here with him, are you?" Xander looks horrified by the thought.
"I'll be quick." I promise before turning back to Angel. "And when I come back we're dancing."
"I don't dance," he says flatly.
"Do we have to go through this every time? You know you're going up there. Why do you insist on making life difficult?"
"'Cause he's not alive?"
"I don't dance." Angel repeats, looking serious.
"I think Mr Pointy has something to say about that." I place my hands on my hips.
"Oh, so that's how you get him to do things for you." Xander starts laughing, but soon turns thoughtful. "I wonder if that would work on Cordy."
"You could always drop a house on her. It worked in that movie."
"Sounds kind of heavy. Think I'll stick with being mocked and abused. Less work that way."
"As long as it's easy." I smile, turning away.
"She's really not." He mumbles under his breath.
I'm not really sure what makes Xander feel the need to tell everyone Cordelia's sexual status. What I do know is this is exactly what got Faith into trouble earlier today. I'm not half as good at defending myself against verbal insults as she is. Also, there's certain things that I never need to know.
"Not really my area of expertise." I turn back around with a smirk. He's smiling though. I know that he wants her for more than a sexual relationship. The 'why' of that is a very good question. "But, you should talk to Faith."
"Already did. She offered to help."
"She what?!" I yell. The people closest to us all turn around to stare.
Both of them look at me strangely. "She offered to help me get Cordy."
"Oh." Breathe, Buffy, Breathe. "That was very nice of her... So... bathroom... was where I was going. I'll just... go there... now."
What the hell was that?
Clearly it's because - Faith is a friend. Xander is a friend. Two friends together is not good for my digestion. It equals badness. The visual place that I was in momentarily will give me nightmares for at least a week. No, a month! A month or longer... Then I'll need a psychiatrist with the couch and all. The bills for that will cripple me financially. I'll be fifty years old and living on the streets with a shopping trolley full of cans and all because of distasteful mental images. Ooh, and there's cats. I don't need that. I had plans for my life. They do not involve sleeping with Faith... XANDER!!
No, that's not right either.
Whatever.
My life plans don't involve Faith and Xander together that's for sure.
And if I'm not doing it then nobody should be doing it.
Especially Faith... and Xander. Together. There's a wiggins that just won't stop.
"Buffy."
"Hey, Will." Thank God! Take me from the insaneness that is my brain. She looks at me questioningly and I try to explain. "Bathroom-bound."
"Oh." She frowns. "I just came from there. If you use your super speed I'm sure you can make it out without actually touching anything."
"I just wanted to wash my hands."
"It'd probably be more hygienic if you didn't," she grins.
"I'll take my chances." I pull her in the direction of the bathroom. "I see Oz found his band-playing friends."
I watch her carefully for a reaction.
"Yeah. Practice leads to playing well - or so I'm told."
"So... you're not upset?"
"About what?" She looks at me confused.
About what?
Wasn't this the main topic of conversation last night?
"About him spending time with the not-you section of society."
"No, why would I... Oh! Upset... yeah." She nods enthusiastically. "But... uh, he explained everything and I understand, now. Band stuff, you know."
I open the door to let her inside first. It's only the two of us in here. Maybe everyone else already learned to stay away. "I get it. Boys need some alone time occasionally. Like Oz with his band, Angel and his unsavoury drinking habits..."
"Xander and his hand," she grins, while I walk to the sink.
"Willow!"
"What? Too much information?" She looks so innocent. They grow up so fast, these days.
I use some paper towel to turn the tap on. My life plans don't include dying from germ infection either. "As long as it's not Faith."
"Faith's hand?" She scrunches up her nose. "Well, that certainly tips the 'eww' scales."
"My sentiments exactly."
"On that note... and the accompanying disturbing mental image." Ooh, I had one of those. "I kinda wanted to talk to you about Faith."
I turn the tap off and lean against the sink, drying my hands. "Did she ask to soap you up, too? I'm definitely running out of ways to deflect that line of questioning."
"She asked to soap you up?" She shakes her head. "So not the point. No, wait. That's exactly my point."
"What is?"
"The you... and the her. Preferably no soap." She walks to stand in front of me. "She's nice, right?"
"If by 'nice' you mean 'leather-wearing smart-ass' then, yeah. Nice." I throw the paper towel into the wastebasket. Two points! Go Buffy.
"But, you like her?" She presses, watching me carefully.
"Sure, but you'll always have first place in my heart," I grin.
"Sarcasm isn't very becoming, Buffy." She folds her arms, looking the exact part of a parental figure.
"Thanks mom. What's this about, Will?"
"Faith."
Way to be specific.
"Yeah?"
"I... I think she... likes you," she says quietly.
"Okay."
Color me confused.
"She... you know... likes you," she repeats.
Yeah, 'cause saying it twice makes it more understandable.
"That's a good thing, Willow. We have to spend all that time together... Although, I'd really hate to see the types of things she says to people she doesn't like."
"Not much. It's mostly an intimidating thing."
"What?"
"Nothing, but you're missing the point." She says, frustrated.
"No. I'm pretty sure I got it. Faith likes me. Faith's nice. That was the message in its entirety, right?"
"Yes... no. You're hearing the words, but you're not listening to me."
"I'm listening." I lean against the sink, looking as attentive as possible.
"Faith likes you."
Yes, and I also heard it the other two times.
"Okay, then."
Is that it?
"BUFFY!" She grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me roughly. "Faith likes you! She like likes you!! She like likes you in an other than platonic I-want-your-body-because-you're-wicked-hot-B-and-I-want-to-do-all-kinds-of- nasty-things-to-you-all-night-long-'cause-we're-Slayers-girlfriend-and-I-like-th\ e-thought-of-your-mom-having-a-heart-attack and I'm not really sure what five-by-five means, but I'm sure she wants to do that to you, as well!"
What?
"What?"
"Aaarrrrrggghhh!!" she screams, throwing her hands up. She covers her face with her hands and begins pacing around the bathroom, muttering to herself. Finally, she stops, looking across at me. "Buffy, you know you're my best friend. But, you can be very frustrating sometimes."
"I'm sorry... Wait, what did you say?"
"You're frustrating! And not the brightest girl ever." Gee, thanks. "You..."
"No, before that." I cut her off before she can list all of my flaws.
"You're my best friend?"
"That's nice, Will. Before that."
"Well, there was the frustration, then the friendship, screaming and the Faith part, of course." She ticks each thing off on her fingers as she speaks, waiting for a reaction on each one.
And we have a winner.
"Okay, stop right there... Faith doesn't like girls."
"Oh, yes she does," Willow nods her head with complete certainty.
"Did she tell you that?"
"...Not in so many words," she says slowly.
"Any words?"
"No," she admits. "But..."
I smile a bit. "Trust me, Will. Many mucho men for us Slayer types. Well, only one man... vampire for me. But, many for Faith. You don't even wanna hear about some of her nocturnal activities - all of which include those of the masculine persuasion. She is not ... you know."
"Ooh, what about this morning?" She snaps her fingers at me, proud of herself.
"What about this morning?" Now, I'm starting to get angry and I'm not even sure why. It's probably because of the absurdity of this entire situation. Of all the things there are to say about Faith... Well, that was the last thing I expected, anyway.
"All the snuggly-wuggling of two not-so-quick-to-jump-apart Slayers." She folds her arms, looking smug.
Oh, that.
That certainly had potential for being the most uncomfortable moment ever.
"Yeah, I'm just glad that she didn't freak out about the whole thing."
That woulda sucked. Kinda like a morning after without all the good bits that come first.
"Well, why would she?" She tilts her head to the side, frowning. "Probably just upset that her hands were outside of certain clothing items."
Okay, like I haven't had enough images of naked Faith in my head for one day...
You know, 'cause of the one earlier with Xander.
It's not like I'm constantly thinking of naked Faith...
Or have ever thought about... Then add hands into the mix...
Oh, God.
"You have spent way too much time thinking about this."
"You're telling me!"
I'm starting to think that maybe Willow has a crush on Faith.
"Well, knock it off! I can't believe we're even having this conversation!" The basin that I'm leaning against cracks under the pressure of my hands, a chunk of it falling to the ground. I jump a bit from the sound. Willow continues speaking as though nothing happened.
"But, it's Faith. She's all... skanky."
"I thought you said she was nice," I say absently, picking up the broken piece and putting it neatly back in place. Good as new... kinda. I back away from the sink, my hands firmly in my pockets.
"Yeah," she snorts. "Nice like a flesh-devouring demon. One of the ones that eat helpless, little babies... Ooh, and puppies."
"Okay, I'm sensing some animosity, but I'm pretty sure that the baby population of Sunnydale is safe. Anyway, so what if she did like me? Does it bother you?"
Or more importantly - Does it bother me?
"Emphatically, YES!"
Wow, that was emphatic. I rub at my ear, momentarily deaf.
"Why because she's a girl?"
I'm almost certain that it doesn't bother me... If it were true... which it's not. What other people want to do with their lives is their business. Besides, I can always tell when Faith's lying. There is no way that she made up all those... encounters, that she seems to experience at least... Well, a whole bunch of encounters, anyway. A whole bunch of encounters that I have been subjected to in great detail. Great, great detail. Great, great, great detail. I didn't even know you could do some of the stuff she talks about, and I used to be so innocent. At least once during the course of every conversation the phrase, 'You put what, where?' comes up. I'm pretty sure that she waits for it, now. That girl thrives on shock value.
"No, again the skankiness factor comes into play."
"Stop saying that. It's not true."
I mean, sure, she can be a little over-bearing. And she does like the leather... and the boys. Unless you listen to Willow, of course. There's no need for name calling, though.
And when did I turn into Faith's mother?
"But, Buffy..."
"Willow, no!" What the hell is going on? "Not gay, not skanky, not liking girls, certainly not liking me and this is the last time we're ever talking about this!"
"But..." She stops when I hold my hand up. "Okay, let me just say this one thing and then I'm done."
"Okay." I rub at my temple. I'm almost sure that I didn't have a headache a few minutes ago.
"If I'm right... and I am." I give her a look, but she keeps talking. "You owe me an apology."
I sigh, rolling my eyes. "Fine."
"Okay, I'm right. Apology please." She looks at me expectantly, holding out her hand.
"I'm sorry that you have so much time to think about stuff like this," I say, massaging my head.
"Buffy, look, I'm sorry. It's your life. You can do what you want with it."
"Thank you." I exhale loudly. "Now, all I have to do is pick out the ring for my Slayer wedding and I'm set. Be my bridesmaid?"
"And Faith's not bad, exactly," she continues, ignoring my sarcasm. "But, she's not good either. I was just worried 'cause you're my best friend."
"And I thank you for your concern. However unnecessary it may be."
This has to be the strangest conversation I've ever had the pleasure of participating in.
"Okay." She still looks skeptical. "But, I'm keeping an eye on her."
"You do that." I start walking toward the door.
"I will."
"Alright, and the first time Faith puts the moves on me, you'll be the first to know." I throw over my shoulder, chuckling, as I step out of the room.
"All I ask," she says, completely serious.
Oh. My. God.
Faith's not like that...
She's not.
Faith's P.O.V
... and then just when she's screaming for me to stop 'cause she can't take anymore, I push her over the edge... hard. She starts crying 'cause I'm so fucking amazing. Much better than her living dead eunuch.
Oh, and then there's the one where we're patrolling and she gets all hot and bothered. I'll be all 'Want some help taking care of that itch, B?' and she'd be like 'Faith, you are so damn hot. It must have been all the peroxide from the hair dye that I drink that made me miss it before. That un-dead bastard could never satisfy me the way you can. Plus, he has way too much hair care products. There's something creepy about really old guys that stalk young girls. But, let's not talk about him anymore. Can you ever forgive me?' I'll say, 'Sure, baby. It's all good,' just before shoving her up against a crypt. Then she's naked, just like she should be. I'm not sure where the clothes go, but...
"Slayer."
Aw, fuck. I was just getting to the good bit.
I swing up and off the tombstone, casually, landing a few feet away from... one vampire? Are these guys even trying anymore? He's all scrawny, too.
"Dude, I was in the middle of something very important." I stalk closer, circling him. "You better have a pretty damn good reason for interrupting my internal musings."
Internal musings?
What the fuck?
"You're the second one," he smirks, tilting his head to the side. "Thought you'd be less hot."
"Well, I'm glad somebody appreciates... Second one?"
"Yeah, second. As in less-than-first." He walks closer to me, chuckling. Not the best idea a vamp ever had.
"Oh, you are so fucking dead." I tighten my grip on the stake.
"Somebody has a complex." He pretends to look concerned. "The better and first slayer getting you down?"
"Actually, yes. Not that it's any of your business." There's less than a foot between us now. He relaxes his stance a bit, folding his arms.
"Really?" He tilts his head to the side.
"Uh, yeah." I shrug.
"Chicks, huh?" He shakes his head, looking for me to agree with him. I don't answer. This is the first bit of action that I've had all night and this guy wants to talk? "My girlfriend was a real bitch. Hope she has nightmares for the rest of her life about some of the things she said to me before I died. Not that she'll live long, me being a vampire now and all."
What the hell is this guy on?
"Words can hurt like a fist," I agree, clutching my chest, melodramatically. "And if it were up to me I'd say 'go for it'. There's this whole responsible thing I'm trying, though. I kinda gotta kill ya now. Plus there was that 'second slayer' crack. Why is it that the thought of you as a pile of dust fills me with such warmth?"
"No, I get it," he shrugs. "I'll be draining your blood in a few seconds, anyway."
"You know, you all say that. So, how come I'm always the one left standing at the end?"
Why am I still talking to this clown?
"'Cause it'd be a damn shame to kill someone as fine as you." He looks me up and down slowly.
"Contrary to popular belief not all Slayers run around sleeping with random vampires."
"Why not?" He looks at me expectantly with a small smirk.
Well, I did get myself all worked up a few moments ago...
Nah, that's wicked gross.
"A number of reasons. First and foremost being that you're dead. Big turn off... Unless you're short and blonde and like non-existent sex. Second, I'm way outta your league. You're all... geeky."
"Can't blame a guy for trying," he shrugs.
"Well, I am pretty hot," I agree.
"So, tell me about this other slayer of yours." He takes a few steps back, shifting back to his human face. I think it looked better the other way.
"Why?"
"'Cause after I kill you, I'm gonna want to meet her."
Instead of answering I deliver a hard kick directly to his face. He staggers back holding his nose.
"Strikes a nerve, huh?" He looks back up with a smirk, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. "Tell ya what, you don't have to talk, but just give me a few moments to rest. Climbing outta that grave was a bitch. Gotta get in the zone, y'know?" He shakes his hands out in front of his body, jumping up and down a few times.
"And I'm doing favors for vampires, why?" I fold my arms, raising an eyebrow.
"Because you're a nice person?"
"Not likely," I snort. "Try again."
"Because I can help get the Slayer for you?"
"What?" My arms fall to my sides, loosely clutching the stake.
"That's what you want, isn't it? The other Slayer? I can help."
"How?""I got my ways. Interested?"
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