Damaged

by MDC

Author's note: It's supposed to be sad but it could just be ridiculous. ... Or both. I'm not sure, that's why reviews would be helpful.

She never believed in happy endings.

How could she? After all the things she’d seen in her sixteen years, how could she? How could anyone?

She didn’t think it was right anyway. Happy endings, hah! With all the shit she’d seen, everything she’d been through… How could anyone be happy with a happy ending?

A lot can happen in sixteen years.

“Faith?”

She looked up to see two emerald eyes brimming with worry. She was familiar with the look, she just didn’t care for it much.

“Yeah?”

Her voice was hoarse, simply because she hadn’t used it in a while. She easily got lost in her own thoughts and would sometimes sit on her stained motel bed for hours. Just thinking.

“What’s wrong?”

A small smile crept upon her lips. She always had trouble keeping a serious face with that question. Her smile faded though, as she saw how worried the blonde in front of her really was. She quickly replaced it with another smile, the smile she used to fool people. It was more of a grin, really, but she felt too tired for that. Thinking can wear you out.

“Nothing, B. Why?”

Oh, please, like she didn’t know. She wasn’t stupid. It was an act. She knew Buffy wasn’t familiar with the times she would just fade away in silence and get sucked in her own mind.

Because that’s how it felt sometimes. She could feel it creeping up on her. If she didn’t keep herself busy with something, anything, she would start thinking. Start remembering. And when that happened, because it inevitably did, she would fall silent and feel helplessly trapped by her own thoughts.

So she always tried to keep herself busy. It was easier for her at night, when there were vamps to kill and booze to drink and people to fuck. But in the harsh light of day, in her dirty motel room, her sixteen-year old mind would suck her in and keep her there.

But Buffy didn’t know that.

“I dunno… You’ve just been really quiet today.”

Faith reprimanded herself for letting it go so far, for letting Buffy see so much, no matter how little.

“Don’t worry about it, B. I’m just tired is all.” She lied.

She fought the overwhelming urge to move back as Buffy inched nearer to her.

She had noticed the looks Buffy had been giving her lately. She had noticed her smiles, her laughs. Admittedly, she had always paid extra attention to the pretty blonde. Faith had always been strangely attracted to the girl. But she had only recently begun paying extra notice to the girl’s mannerisms because she never expected Buffy to like her back.

But she did.

Faith saw it in the way Buffy laughed at her jokes. She always seemed to find them that little bit funnier than someone else’s. She saw it in the way Buffy smiled when she entered the room. She saw it in the way Buffy sought her out on the dance floor. In the way she always seemed to touch Faith’s arm in the middle of conversation.

It was confusing to Faith. Yes, she had longed for the girl. Longed for her acceptance, her love. But longing had made way for something entirely different.

“I don’t believe you.” Buffy answered.

She almost raised an eyebrow at that. It didn’t often happen that people would call her bluff. Then again, people didn’t often see her this way. She was a loner for many reasons. Not wanting to be seen, actually seen by people, was one of them.

They wouldn’t like what they saw anyway.

She forced herself to smirk.

“Well okay… What would be wrong?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”

She had to admit, Buffy really did look like she cared. She really did look worried. But the more she did, the more Faith felt the need to run.

“I told you. But apparently I lied.” She joked.

Buffy looked hurt by the joke, as if Faith didn’t take her seriously. Faith inwardly sighed. She was trying to be easy on the girl.

She loved Buffy, at least she think she did. Her feelings for the girl were overpowering and stronger than anything she had ever felt before. That is, until she realized Buffy liked her back.

Fear is a pretty strong emotion too.

“Faith… Why don’t you talk to me?”

She forced herself to keep looking at the blonde and furrowed her eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

If anything ever happened between them, Faith knew she wouldn’t be able to keep hiding. Buffy would see, she’d see everything Faith so desperately wanted to hide.

A lot can happen in sixteen years.

“You don’t talk to me, Faith.” Buffy sounded pretty desperate herself. “I never know what’s going on in your head.”

Faith smiled. The small smile she got when something was just so fucking far away from funny she had to smile.

Like she could ever tell Buffy what was going on in her head. Like she would want to.

Sure, sometimes she would catch herself wishing that she could tell Buffy everything. Everything. And Buffy would understand. She would understand and make it okay. She would make it all better.

Riight.

Faith would wish it sometimes, but she knew she was being delusional. There was no point in telling Buffy what she’d seen and been through. There was no point in sharing misery, was there?

Besides, where would she begin? Which story should she tell first? The one about watching her friend OD but being too fucking wasted to help her on time? The one about helping the girl next door run away from her abusive father only to see her being brought back and get banged up even more? The one about being too small and weak to push away the heavy, filthy hands of her mother’s boyfriends?

It made her sick to think that even as a slayer, the most disgusting creature she had ever come across was human.

Would it be better if she told her stories chronologically or just by subject? Violence, rape, drugs, suicide,… You name it.

She looked at the beautiful blonde in front of her. To tell her what was really on her mind…

Yeah… She didn’t think so.

“Just drop it, B. I’m fine.”

Buffy hesitated and Faith could tell she didn’t want to let it go.

“Just…” The blonde looked at her pleadingly. “Just promise me you’ll tell me some day.”

Faith smiled.

“Sure, B.” She lied. Again.

“Promise me.” Buffy insisted.

Faith almost laughed out loud. It was too much. Buffy was asking too much and Faith knew she would never keep that promise. She couldn’t.

How could she? How could she possibly tell Buffy that after sixteen years, she feels like she’s seen enough? More than enough. Too much. Ignorance was bliss and she couldn’t get it back. Knowing everything that was out there, all the shit.

She couldn’t be saved. She felt too damaged to ever be repaired. She didn’t even really want to be.

And then she realized what she had to do. She’d thought about it before but never really had the guts. Now though, she felt like it was the only thing left for her to do. The only thing she wanted and she’d have to give it to herself.

She began to wonder how long it would take Buffy to forget her. Maybe a couple of months. She began to wonder if she would wind up in one of the cemeteries she patrolled nightly. Restfield still had some space.

She looked up in those worried emerald eyes and smiled. The smile she got when something was so fucking far away from funny.

“I promise.” She lied.

She never believed in happy endings anyway.