Chapter 3: The Drugs Don't Work
Faith’s POV:
I’m not okay.
I’m not fine.
It hurts so much and pretending to be fine is wearing me out.
Cordy said I don’t have to be fine. She said I’m not okay and I shouldn’t hide it.
Cordy doesn’t understand.
I do have to be fine. I do have to hide it.
When you show weakness, that’s when you get beat down.
When you fall broken to the floor, they’ll kick you.
And the louder your sobs, the louder your screams, the harder they kick.
I’m not okay.
I’m not fine.
I am hurting.
I am tired.
I am broken.
But I will never, ever let them see me fall.
Cordelia’s in the next room, talking to Xander over the phone.
For a few minutes, I don’t have to pretend.
I’m so tired.
I’m sitting on her couch, the TV’s on but I’m not watching.
I’m just sitting here, tired, and staring off into space.
When she comes back, I’ll pretend again.
I’ll pretend to be okay, pretend I’m watching TV. Pretend I care.
I can hear her footsteps coming nearer.
Gotta snap out of it Faith.
I slouch down on the couch and glue my eyes on the screen.
She sits down beside me.
“What’s the deal, C?”
It’s amazing how naturally it comes to me.
“Feel up to making an appearance for your pining fans?” She asks.
Pining fans. Funny. A small smile has already made its way to my lips.
See? It just happens. I don’t even have to think about it anymore.
Pretending to be something I’m not.
Sometimes I’m not sure which is the real me.
“I think I may be able to squeeze ‘em into my busy schedule.” I answer with a smirk.
She’s looking at me. Studying my face.
She’s not sure either.
“Okay well they’re coming over tonight.”
Uh. No.
“Tonight?” I turn my head to look at her.
“Yeah. No good?”
“No good, C.” I say.
I really don’t feel up to it. They’ll want me to do the whole sharing and caring thing.
“Why not?” She looks at me worriedly.
Uh oh. She’s thinking I’m not okay.
She’s thinking I won’t be able to deal. She’s thinking I’m weak.
“Cuz I got me a hot date.”
That earns me a raised eyebrow.
“Who?”
I grin at her.
“You.”
She’s blushing now.
“C’mon, C, I feel like Bronzin’ it.” She looks doubtful.
Time for the big guns.
Ready for it?
Initiate pout.
“Please?” I hit her with my ‘innocent child’ look.
She answers with that hilarious ‘deer in headlights’ look.
And...
“Fine. Okay, we’ll go.”
Gotcha.
I need to get all kindsa drunk tonight.
Buffy’s POV:
“Really, that’s great, I’ll be right there!” I answer.
A little too loudly I might add.
“Woah with the shouting, Buff.” Xander replies.
Who cares if he’s deaf? I’m seeing Faith tonight!
“I’ll pick you up in five, Xand.” I tell him.
Gotta hurry! Still have to put on some make-up.
Have to change clothes!
There’s so much to do!
“Sure, see ya then.”
We both hang up and I run up the stairs.
Mom stops me at the top.
“Don’t believe her.” She says.
I don’t have time for this, I have to go.
So I quickly nod and run to my room.
My mom is weird.
Argh! The phone is ringing.
Pick up or not?
Not.
I have to go.
“Buffyyyy!” Dawn. That girl has some lungs. “It’s for you!”
Damn it.
I pick up the phone.
“Got it, Dawn!” I scream back.
“Again with the loud noises.” I hear Xander say.
Why the hell is he calling again?
“Xander, I was about to leave. What’s up?”
I put on some blush. Just a little.
“Uh... Little situation here, Buffy. Tonight’s a bust.” He says.
“What?! Why?!” I nearly yell at him.
“Well Cordy just called me and she says Faith’s really tired. Or in Faith’s own words ‘wicked tired’. So we should let her rest for now.”
No, Buffy. No more banging your head against walls.
But I want to so badly.
I sigh defeated.
“Fine.”
“Well, Faith said she’d be at the morning meeting tomorrow. That’s a good thing.”
He talked to Faith??
“You talked to Faith?” I ask.
“Well... No, not exactly. But I heard some grunting in the background. And Cordy passed on the message.”
Grunting? There’s grunting? Faith’s grunting at Cordelia’s house?
Oh my god. I’m so fucking stupid.
Mike got killed and I’m freaking out over Faith grunting at Cordy’s house.
The wall looks so inviting...
“Okay, so tomorrow?” I ask.
“Tomorrow.”
I’ll see her tomorrow. I say goodbye to Xander and fall on my bed.
Cordy better take good care of her.
Faith’s POV:
We arrive at the Bronze and since it’s a school night, there aren’t as many people as usual.
Like I give a flying fuck.
Cordy’ll never let me drink as much as I need to right now, so I have to play this smart.
“Yo, Queen C, you get us a nice dark corner and I’ll get the drinks.” I tell her.
She nods and I walk towards the bar.
I make sure she can’t see me and order six shots of JD and two beers.
Lana’s working the bar tonight and she smirks at me.
“You don’t waste any time, do ya, Faith?”
I look her up and down suggestively then lick my lips.
“Guess not.”
She’s totally into me.
I lean over the bar and whisper in her ear. “Give us a kiss.”
She gasps a little and turns her head.
I slowly let my tongue travel along her lower lip before I take it in my mouth.
Lana’s an eager one and opens her mouth to me almost immediately.
Wouldn’t want to be rude now, would I?
Our tongues explore each others mouths until I break it off.
She seems a little dazed so I give her a small peck.
She smiles at me and shakes her head when I take out my wallet.
“On the house.” She winks and goes off to another customer.
I rock.
Glancing around the place, I check if Cordelia can see me.
Nope. I’m in the clear.
I quickly down the six shots.
Ooh...
I was buzzed before but now we’re getting somewhere.
I grab the two beers and search for Cordy.
She’s in one of the corner booths looking around for me probably.
Damn that girl’s hot.
“Hey, C.” I slide next to her.
“You’re looking a little flushed.” She raises a disapproving eyebrow.
“Hey, it was just a kiss. Least I got us free drinks, huh?”
“You kissed the bartender?!” Oops.
“Uh... No? What’re you talking about?”
“I was talking about the alcoholic fumes coming out of your mouth.” She says with thinned lips and a set jaw.
Time for damage control.
“C, what are you so pissed off about? C’mon let’s dance.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her and nod my head towards the floor.
Now she has two choices. Tell me honestly how she feels about me and that’s why she’s pissed.
Or keep quiet and pretend she’s not mad.
“Fine.” She gets up and I down my beer in three gulps before grabbing her hand and leading her to the middle of the dance floor.
“That’s my girl.” I say and wink at her.
We dance and for about an hour, I forget everything. I forget the pain.
And when the music slows, I don’t want to remember.
So I pull Cordelia close to me.
Our sweaty bodies press against each other.
She looks at me, her eyes wide.
We grind our bodies against each other and I forget.
Everything.
I’m holding a warm body, and I need release.
Before I know it, I’m kissing her.
Hard and hungry.
For about five seconds, she’s kissing me back but she pulls away.
She steps out of my arms and shakes her head.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.” She says.
What the fuck is she talking about? I want this.
“Cordy, I want you.” I take her hand and pull her closer again.
Gentler this time.
I need this.
She sighs as I nuzzle her neck.
“Don’t you want me?” I whisper in her ear.
She shivers as I nip at her ear lobe.
“Faith...”
“Buffy...” Her body freezes.
In my drunken haze, I don’t realize and kiss her neck.
“Baby?” I ask.
“What did you just say?” She pushes me off.
I roll my eyes at her.
“Baby.” I answer.
“No. You said Buffy. You called me Buffy.” She’s shaking her head again.
What the fuck is up with that?
“No I didn’t.” I say.
“Fuck you, Faith! I know you’re messed up right now but don’t lie to me!” She’s practically screaming at me.
I don’t need this shit.
“Whatever, Cordy, you don’t know what you’re missing.” I walk past her, towards the bar.
Should’ve stuck to the original plan.
Just get insanely drunk.
I’m on my seventh shot when someone sits next to me and starts babbling.
“... Faith, let’s go home.” I catch the end.
Huh? This chick knows my name.
I look up and see a whole buncha Cordelia’s frowning at me.
I start giggling uncontrollably. Oh c’mon, wouldn’t you?
“God, you’re drunk.”
Hehe...She called me god.
“You called me god.” I slur.
If I wasn’t so shit faced I would’ve seen the tear marks down her cheeks.
But I was shit faced.
So I didn’t notice.
“Faith, we really need to go home now.” She tugs at my arm.
“Fuck that, C! I’m havin’ fun.” I pull my arm back from her.
She lets out a deep breath.
“I’m serious, Faith. I’m going home and I’m not leaving you here.”
What the fuck is her problem?
“Then you’ll be here for quite some time, sweet cheeks.” I try to wink at her but in my drunken state I’m afraid I just blinked at her instead.
She’s trying to pull me off the barstool now.
Hello? Slayer here!
I laugh at her efforts and she gives up.
“Fine.”
“Buh-bye now Cordy.” I wave and she strides off.
Good riddance. She was trying to make me leave my baby.
I look down at my glass.
“But I’m not leaving you, am I, baby? No, I’m not like those other fuckers. Don’t worry.”
Jack doesn’t answer but I’m sure he appreciates my efforts.
Buffy’s POV:
I am going to kill Cordelia.
No I won’t. Not really.
She let Faith get drunk! I’m going to kill her!
No. No no no. Buffy, no. Calm down. You are not going to kill Cordelia.
No, no beating her up either. Be calm.
I swerve around the corner leading to the Bronze and almost hit a car as I park but I couldn’t care any less.
I see Cordy standing in front of the Bronze, desperately trying to protect herself from the cold night. And my anger fades.
But just a little.
“Where is she?” I ask.
She doesn’t answer but leads the way inside. The Bronze is virtually empty and I quickly spot Faith sitting at the bar.
I grind my teeth together as I notice a guy hanging over her.
I quickly stride over and pull the loser off of her. He starts shouting at me and I swear I’m about to kick his ugly ass.
“Get lost, Marvin, or do you want me to call your wife?” Cordelia almost spits.
Marvin?
“Miss Chase? ... I... No, I was just... Please... Don’t tell my wife.” He stutters.
“Then get the fuck out of here.” She answers icily.
Marvin?
I’m sorry, but who names their child Marvin?
I look quizzically at Cordelia.
“Gardener.” She says.
Oh.
I turn my attention back to Faith. She looks great.
Yes, I know. When someone is drunk and they’re not supposed to be, you usually say they look terrible.
But she looks great.
She’s slouching in her chair, cradling a bottle and she has a sad look on her face...
But she’s still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life.
I put my hand on her shoulder and god help me, the contact still makes my spine tingle.
“Faith?”
She looks up and smiles.
“Hey B.” But then she frowns. “It’s Wednesday, right?”
“Um... Yeah, why?”
“It’s a school night.” She states.
Oh, Faith...
“I’m here to take you home.” I tell her and gently pull her up.
She just kind of snorts at that and mumbles something.
“What was that?” I ask.
“I said; what home?!” She snaps.
Pain. Bone-crushing blow to my skull, stab of a rusty knife in my gut... You can animate it in whatever way you want.
Pain.
I stumble backwards.
I’m sorry.
“I... Faith I...”
She takes another gulp from her bottle and flops back down on the stool.
I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry.”
I didn’t voice those words. Faith said them.
To Cordelia.
“I’m sorry I was a bitch tonight.” She says again.
Cordelia takes a step towards Faith.
“That’s okay, sweetie, now let me take you home.” She says.
I... I need to get away.
And I run. I run out of the Bronze.
Outside, I try to breathe. I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe?
