Chapter 6: Catch Me
Buffy's POV:
It's been a month. She's been back for a month. Back. She's... I mean, she's still Faith. She still occasionally snores at scooby meetings, she still hangs out at the Bronze, she still loves to see Giles squirm. Actually she still likes to see anyone squirm. But Giles is probably her all-time favorite. Anyways, she still does all these things. But they seem... less. She has fun teasing Giles, that's for sure, but it's just less. She used to have this twinkle in her eye, it's still there it just seems... I dunno... glazed? Closed off, distant... So yeah, she's been back for a month...But I'm still waiting for her.
I have desperately tried to stay away from her the past four weeks. I suggested more seperate patrols, I tried not to talk to her too much and god have I tried not to look at her. The first two have worked relatively well. The last part... She's so beautiful, I can't get over it. Not being with her on purpose is torture. I'm miserable about it but if that's what she needs...
Cordelia. These days it's 'Faith and Cordelia'. ...'Cordelia and Faith'. They're virtually inseperable. Where Faith goes, Cordelia goes. And where Cordelia goes... Well she grabs Faith and then Faith goes too. Am I a selfish bitch if I say that pisses me off? Cuz it does. It makes my friggin' blood boil. It makes my stomach go all bad-loopy. As opposed to the good loopy I usually get when around Faith. You'd think they were dating or something! Also, Cordelia broke up with Xander. That was very unnerving news. Because as long as Cordy was with Xander, she wouldn't get with Faith, right? I mean... I'm not sure about Cordelia, but Faith wouldn't do that to Xander. But now, Cordy's free as a bird. And so is Faith. And they hang out a lot.
"Perhaps it was of Avarion nature?" Giles muses.
"Yes! Avarion. That's the one. Okay, research done, let's Bronze it!" Xander breathes out exasperated.
"Xander, we've only been researching for..." Giles glances at the clock as he picks up another book. "Fifteen minutes."
Xander falls back in his chair, defeated. "Oh but it doesn't feel like fifteen minutes." He mumbles.
Giles shakes his head and sighs, leafing through the big tome in his hands. Willow is typing happily away at the computer and I... I'm gonna look at some pretty pictures! I grab the first book I come across and open it at a random page. Ew. Okay, maybe not so pretty pictures.
And what is up with Cordy and stiletto's anyway? She's seventeen for christ's sake! Act your age, why don't you...And the way she laughs at Faith's jokes! God, it's aggrevating! She might as well wear a sign saying: 'Fuck me, Faith!'. Stupid Cordelia... Actually, this rant does have something to do with the current situation. While being totally grossed out by a..' O'kmar demon', I heard that annoying sound. Cordelia walking in the hallway, you can hear that girl coming from miles away. I heard Faith's smoky voice, mumbling and then I heard Cordelia's 'god, Faith, you're sooo funny'-cackle.
"... not that bad. Plus: free coffee. What's not to like?" I hear Faith say as she walks through the library doors. Cordelia behind her, like the sick sick puppy she is! ...I mean... Nevermind.
"It's immoral, sweetie." Cordelia rolls her eyes and waves at the gang.
"Good of you to join us." Giles says.
Oh, yes, how wonderful of you to join us! Gah! They're driving me insane. There are two people in the whole wide world who can get away with calling Faith stuff like 'sweetie' or 'honey' or something. My mom. And Cordelia fucking Chase!
Faith hops up on the counter, leaning back on her hands.
"What's the summary for this episode of The Demony Dale?" She asks. I smile and roll my eyes. Her wit never ceases to amaze me.
"The Demony Dale?" Xander chuckles.
Faith shrugs and massages her neck subconsciously.
"It's a temporary title, just 'till we find a better one. Got any ideas?"
"Faith the Vampire Slayer?" Xander asks.
"Hey!" I protest. I accidentally let my gaze fall on Faith as she smiles. She's looking back at me and it's the highlight of my week.
"I mean... Buffy and Faith the Vampire and technically all kinds of evil demon Slayers?" Xander corrects himself.
"Yeah..." We all take a moment to contemplate the title. "Ergo 'The Demony Dale'." Faith deadpans. I giggle at the comment but stop myself as Cordy does the exact same thing. Damn her.
I scowl and hide my face behind my book. And still ew. I quickly turn the page.
"We're just trying to figure out which spell those vampires used. Or at least attempted to use before you and Buff stopped by that warehouse." Willow explains.
"Quite. You mentioned there was a goat's leg involved?" Giles inquires.
"Mm." Faith hums affirmatively and grabs a chair next to Xander. "It was slashed up big style too."
She says something else but my attention's focused on Cordelia immediately reacting to Faith's actions and quickly seating herself on her other side. Bitch.
"B?" That snaps me back.
It doesn't happen a lot anymore. Usually, whenever she'd be talking to someone, she'd always drag me in the conversation. These days though... It's all about Cordelia. I realize I'm just staring at Faith and I cough uncomfortably.
"Sorry, what?"
"That they cut up the leg and were tonguing it and stuff." Faith raises an eyebrow, asking me what's the deal.
"Yeah it was pretty gross." I roll my eyes slightly and look down. Telling her it's nothing.
"Yeah. Cuz... What with the blood and shit..." She quirks both her eyebrows a little. Asking if I'm sure. And her eyes are so wide and big and brown and beautiful and innocent and god I'm in trouble...
"Yeah. Blood." I manage to get out. She looks sad. ...Hurt even.
We just kinda sit there and stare at eachother. Willow turned around to face us after hearing my last comment and she was staring at us basically acting like complete morons. Xander was also staring, completely oblivious to what caused this strange turn of events. Cordelia's eyes were just bulging out. And Giles just kept on writing in his diary. He looks up, pensive.
"Sorry, there were feces involved? Feces and blood..." He mutters the last part.
The question kinda throws us all outta our own inner musings. Feces?
"What!" Xander exclaims. "Giles, how does your mind work?"
"I..." He looks at us, surprised. "Faith said that there was a mangled, bloody goat's leg and-..." A look of realization hits him. "American slang." He ends, deflated.
"American slang." He repeats.
Faith's forehead scrunches up a little, as if she's trying to remember what she said. It's cute.
"Ohhh..." Xander says. "With the blood and shit."
Willow gives him a look.
"What? I can cuss. I can be a...bad-ass mother...fucker...goddamnit."
Willow gasps, I admit my jaw dropped a little, Cordelia rolls her eyes and Faith chuckles. Giles has disappeared in the office. Xander drops his head in shame.
"Yeah, that was wrong even to my ears." He admits.
"Where's Wolfboy?" Faith asks, she turns her head to look at Willow. I notice there's the slightest blush of pink behind her ears. ... Is this.. Is that Faith blushing?
Faith's POV:
"He's practicing with the Dingoes." Red answers. I smile a little at seeing her eyes go dreamy. Then I feel Xander nudge me. I turn to look at him.
"Sup, bad-ass?" I smirk. I feel watched. Buffy's watching me. She's looking at me, listening to me. It makes me nervous. Gotta give me props for still acting pretty damn cool though.
"I couldn't help but hear about something immoral when you came in." Xander smiles expectantly. I roll my eyes. Horny teenage boys...
"You already heard that one, X. You know, with the girl at the Expresso Pump?" I catch Buffy flinching out the corner of my eye.
Huh? I look at B and notice she's looking wicked sad. But then she catches my eye and smiles weakly.
"What? The superhot blonde? Or the superhot blonde waitress?" Xander asks further.
"Waitress." I answer distracted. I look at my boots stretched out in front of me.
"Aw, man. I love that story! Any story involving hot lesbian chicks and free coffee and muffins? Fine by me!" He exclaims.
I smile at him, fondly. He's like a puppy sometimes. Not that I'm fond of puppies. Big bad Faith, remember? Alright, maybe not so big bad Faith recently. I've been having these talks with people. Talks. Serious ones too. I dunno, it's just... They just kinda happened.
Like at some point it was just me and Willow in the library. And outta the blue she asks me how I'm holding up. And we talked. Only cuz she caught me off-guard, I swear. We just talked about stuff. I told her about Mike. And it felt good. A few days after that, I was on donut-duty with Xander. We were walking back with the supplies and then he not so subtly expresses his concern for me. I think it went something like this:
"You know, I like jelly donuts. How 'bout you? Cuz me and jelly donuts, we have a history. ...Since we were kids, me and jelly...Inseperable, you know? I'd be upset if suddenly jelly donuts wouldn't exist anymore. You know, if they stopped making them in the donut factory? So... Yeah... How about you?"
"...Are you asking me what my opinion on jelly donuts is? Cuz I gotta say, X, I thought you were more perceptive than that."
"Right. Yeah! Cuz... You love jelly donuts. You love all donuts. No discrimination here, mister! ... But I was just wondering..."
"Xander. If jelly donuts suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth, or they stopped making them, or if jelly donuts got eaten by a tall broody vampire with a soul, I'd be devestated. But I'd deal. Cuz though I love jelly donuts, I also love chocolate sprinkled donuts. And the cream filled ones. And the rainbow ones. And...Well you know what I mean."
And then we talked. It was less deep than the talk with Red, but not less helpful. And over the weeks, I had talks with Cordelia, Giles, Mrs S, Oz, even Dawn. Part of me feels embarassed about them. Right, maybe they weren't really 'indepth', and there sure as fuck wasn't any huggin or cryin involved. But it's the furthest I've ever gone with the sharing caring deal. So then again, another part of me is proud that I had these talks. It's complicated I guess, but what else is new.
And anyway, puppies are fuckin adorable! There. I fuckin said it.
Buffy's POV:
I don't think I can take this much longer. Everyone is acting like everything's okay. And yes, Faith is going to be fine. She's doing okay, and she will be fine. She's been talking to people, which is great. It's a big step for her. That is good news and very smile-worthy. And Willow's fine, Xander's fine, Giles is fine, I'm sure as hell Cordelia is A-okay. But I'm not. I am not fine. And excuse me for being selfish, but seriously, I've been suffering silently for months now. I really don't mean to sound like some stupid child, begging for attention, I really don't. It's just... I am not fine. I feel like I've been slowly drowning, like I'm suffocating, like I'm dying. Really...slowly. It's messed up that without her I am nothing. That without her, I feel like nothing. That what I live for right now, what keeps me going, are those few precious moments in the library when I see her. I keep telling myself I wasn't doing too bad before her. My life may not have been perfect, but I didn't feel like I was slowly dying. I keep telling myself that it shouldn't matter so much. That I can be fine without her, that I've done it before, I can do it again. But really... that's bullshit.
It's Friday and I've just finished patrol. Solo. As it has been for the past month. Solo patrol. And every single moment without her feels pointless to me. Buffy Summers, vampire slayer extraordinaire. Saving the world from oogie monsters and nasty apocalypses. It feels pointless.
But it's Friday and I've just finished patrol. And if I'm lucky, I may just bump into Faith at the Bronze.
I walk up to the Bronze, briskly, nervously. My body is tense from the anxiety of maybe seeing Faith. Maybe feeling that tingle that teases my spine and spreads through my body like a warm blanket. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but no one can control these things. So I enter the Bronze, and I can't help the biggest smile forming on my face. She's here. Oh god, she's here, thank you.
I'm reassured that I really am an emotional wreck when tears start forming in my eyes. It's just that I miss her so much. Entering the Bronze and feeling her, the connection again, the relief wash through me... How can she do this to me.
I make my way towards the gang's usual table, unable to refrain from searching her out with my eyes anyway. Where is she?
"Buffster, hey!"
Xander scoots over on the couch and I sit down, still searching the crowd for her. I force a small smile at Willow and Xander.
"Hey guys." I mumble.
Where the hell is she? She's not on the dancefloor, I would've noticed already if she was. Maybe she's in the bathroom or something.
"So, is it just the three of us tonight?" I ask. Ofcourse I know Faith's here, but I don't want it to be too obvious.
"No, Faith went to the bathroom. I think Cordelia's stopping by later on. And Oz is getting ready to play." Willow smiles proudly at the mention of her boyfriend.
"Oh, well that's cool." I lean back in my seat, still fidgeting a little. God, I feel like a drug-addict or something.
"What's wrong, Buff?" Xander asks. "You seem... Tense?" He looks at Willow for her opinion.
"Um. Yeah, you have been kind of...wiggy lately." She surmises.
Still keeping the bathroom exit in the corner of my eye, I shrug.
"I'm fine." Liar.
It's obvious by the looks on their faces they don't believe me but don't want to push me either. I sigh, I don't want to hurt them.
"It's just... I dunno, lately I've been-.." I abruptly stop speaking when I catch a glimpse of black leather. I'm pushing my way towards the floor before I even realize it.
My heart pounding loudly in my chest, almost drowning out the heavy beat from the speakers, I automatically smile when I see her dancing a few feet away. I cherish the rush that flows through me by being so near to her. People are looking at me funny though, just standing in the middle of the dancefloor. Not..dancing.
I close my eyes and listen to the music. Feel the thump of the bass as if it were coming from within me. I feel her, I feel her energy. And I dance.
I dance as if I was dancing with her, my eyes are closed but it's like I know exactly what she's doing anyway. I can see her through my closed eyelids. As if it was just me and her. A bead of sweat makes its way down my forehead and I almost forget my hurt. I almost forget my pain. Because she's here, I'm here, and for a minute I can pretend we're actually together.
But then somebody accidentally bumps into me. I stumble forward, expecting to meet air. Instead I meet Faith. My eyes fly open and we quickly step away from eachother. How did we get so close? I'm panting, not because of the dance, but because of the moment my skin met hers. I feel like my body is on fire. I notice she's panting too. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again and again and again. She's beautiful. So beautiful.
As the music fades to nothing, we stand there in front of eachother. Our breathing starting to calm down. I'm not sure, but I might be trembling slightly. The slow warm hum of her presence shaking my very essence with how good it feels. We're standing so close to eachother but we're not touching. Just a tiny movement could change that though. She looks up when she hears a slow strum of a guitar. Another song has started up and it's a slow one. The people around us pair up or leave the dancefloor. She glances at me, then at her boots. Then back up at me. Then she steps back. No.
She was already turning around when I stopped her. She looks at my hand on hers. I didn't grab it, I just softly placed it on hers. Her deep and almost black pools settle on my face. Please don't go. I don't want her to go. I've tried so hard these past weeks to stay away from her but god... I need her. I just really need her right now. I can't even bear the thought of not being close to her right now. I can't. I don't want to do this. I don't want to force her into something she doesn't want. I stopped the words from coming from my mouth. I stopped myself from actually holding her hand. I stopped myself from pushing my lips against hers. I stopped myself from wrapping my arms around her and holding her and burying my face in her neck and breathing in her scent. But I can't stop myself from looking at her. I can't stop myself from silently begging her to stay with me. I can't stop myself from inwardly falling on my knees and crying out for her not to leave me. I'm breaking inside, I'm falling and I'm crying and screaming and hurting so much.
She turns back to me fully and lets my hand slip into hers. She understands. She knows I'm hurting. She doesn't know why. She just knows that I need to be close to someone. She doesn't know just how much it's her I need. She steps closer to me and this time we're touching. She pulls me closer, I wrap my arms around her neck and rest my head on her bare shoulder. She places her hands on my lower back and we start to slowly rock back and forth to the music. Her warmth envelops me and it feels so right that it hurts. Because it's not right. I can't have her. And I can't stop myself from letting a tear make it's my way down my cheek and onto Faith's shoulder.
She freezes for a fraction of a second and then pulls me even closer. I hold her tighter and nuzzle into the her neck. I can't stop myself from breathing in her scent. I can't stop myself from shivering a little. She lets one of her hands travel up and down my back slowly, gently. In an effort to comfort. I can't stop another tear making it's way on Faith's skin. I feel her soft lips against my own shoulder. A whispered kiss. Soft, gentle, caring. I bury my face in Faith's neck and long brown mane. More tears. I'm trembling in her arms, silent sobs shaking through my body. I desperately cling to her as she wraps her arms around me. And I silently cry in her arms. Because I can't stop myself from loving her.
Faith's POV:
What's wrong with her? Holy fuck, why is she so sad? What the fuck is wrong with her?
I hold her in my arms, while she cries on my shoulder. My eyes widen at the utter shock of how much she's hurting. How much pain she's in. I try to soothe her with soft touches but I feel helpless. It's the second time this happens and I am honestly scared to death. What's wrong with her? Someone tell me how to fucking make it better. I brush my cheek against her silky hair and... And I feel like crying. I'm not. And I won't. But I still feel like it. She's hurting so fucking bad... The worry I have for her is all-consuming. Anything. I would do anything to make it better. I want to ask her what's wrong. I want to hold her against me as tight as I can and ask her what's wrong. I want to cry in front of her, fall on my knees and let her know how much I want to make it better. How much I want to kiss away her tears, hold her forever and stay in her arms until the end of time.
But I know she doesn't want that from me. She doesn't want anything from me. She's made that clear. I've missed her. Right now... I don't know what it is. It's gotta be really fucked up if she turns to me with her pain. Fuck, she probably didn't mean for this to happen. She probably wishes that Red would be the one holding her. Or Angel. But she's in my arms. She must really need this. And it scares me.
Suddenly, she freezes. The next second, she pushes me away, a look of disgust on her face. Clear for me to see.
"I..." She starts. She stumbles backwards.
"Buffy.." I don't know what I want to say. It's just... I look down at my boots. She hates me. I look back up, and I'm not surprised that she's gone
