Chapter Twenty Two: Pathos Calling
And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
-Possession by Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
-Hold On by Sarah McLachlan
The squeak of the faucet and the pounding rush of water into the tub broke the silence as Faith pulled her shirt over her head and unclasped her bra. The jingle of her belt as she undid it and wriggled out of her jeans were an acoustic accompaniment to the water. Leaning back towards the tub, Faith checked the water to make sure of its temperature; satisfied, Faith pulled the lever and the shower shot on. Hooking her thumbs into her panties, Faith finished stripping before turning on the bathroom fan and stepping into the shower. She sighed, closing her eyes as the spray flattened her hair, the water streaming down her body. It was all she could do at the moment to calm herself down after the interlude downstairs mere minutes ago.
Pulling out the shampoo from the rack under the shower head, Faith lathered up her head slowly, zeroing in her focus on the simplest of actions so as not to be overcome with remembering ever sensation from the recent events with Buffy. Fuck, this is insane, Faith thought as she tilted her head back to enter the line of spray, the hot water cascading down, rinsing the shampoo out. Turning around, Faith leaned into the spray, her hands against the wall, bracing her. At the muffled sound of the door shutting, Faith opened her eyes and stared down at the water rushing into the drain. The clinking of a belt buckle was the only sound Faith heard before the curtain was drawn back at the far end, behind her. Shutting her eyes, Faith hung her head as her pulse began to quicken in acknowledgment of the situation.
At the soft touch of a hand on her shoulder blade, Faith jerked, and snapped her eyes open again. Raising her head up, Faith sighed as another hand grasped the curve of her side, the fingers lightly trailing back and forth. Leaning back slightly, Faith’s head exited the cone of spray and she felt a soft kiss placed between her shoulder blades. The kisses continued, rising languidly up her spine until her hair was carefully moved over one shoulder, and a single kiss was placed on the nape of her neck.
“Buffy,” Faith sighed, her eyes closing at the gentle onslaught she didn’t think she was capable of succumbing to.
Just when Faith was becoming used to the gentle touches, Buffy’s lips left Faith’s back, only to be replaced by the tip of her tongue as it trailed a path up from the middle of her back. Faith gasped and arched her back in response as a gentle nip from the blonde on the back of her neck caused her to spin around. Oh God, Faith gazed at the shorter blonde standing before her in the nude, her hair partially dampened by the spray. Leaning forward, Faith pressed their foreheads together, her eyes downcast at the beautiful form in front of her.
“What, you don’t remember what I look like?” Buffy asked, trying to lighten the moment.
Faith shut her eyes, “I’m sorry, I was…”
“In a different place,” Buffy finished, lifting a finger to silence the redemptive slayer, “You can’t keep punishing yourself for things you’ve been forgiven for,” Buffy continued, cupping Faith’s cheek and pulling away to look her in the eyes.
“So I guess I get to be awkward and apologetic instead of smooth and sexy in the shower,” Faith gruffly replied, keeping her eyes down, focused on her feet.
Buffy smiled softly, and pulled Faith’s face up to make her meet her gaze, “Hey, get it out now, so I can be awkward in the shower later.”
“Now why do you think you’d be awkward?” Faith replied with a grin, pulling the blonde backwards with her under the stream of water.
Instead of answering, Buffy lifted her hands to clear her eyes, but Faith grabbed her by the wrists and held her hands down between them before leaning into the spray of water and kissing the blonde. The response was immediate, with Buffy kissing Faith back, rivulets of water running down their faces. Faith felt Buffy grip her sides before turning sideways in the shower without breaking the kiss. Suddenly, out of the spray, Buffy opened her mouth, tracing Faith’s bottom lip with her tongue. Leaning in, Faith pressed herself fully against Buffy, pinning her to the wall as she opened her own mouth in response to the blonde’s ministrations. Sighing against the shorter woman, Faith succumbed to the moment before moaning softly when the tips of a few fingers grazed the side of her breast. Opening her eyes, Faith pulled back, the abrupt end to the kiss causing Buffy to open her eyes in question.
“Is this it?” Faith asked softly, trying to stay serious when ever fiber of her being was screaming sex, “Are we…”
“Shut up and kiss me Faith, worry about the particulars when we get there,” Buffy cut her off, pulling the brunette’s head towards her own to recapture her lips.
Faith’s mind calmed as she felt the initial rush of touches from the blonde segue into a slower, more detailed touch of someone who wanted to enjoy this moment- not just get to the big finish. Smiling knowingly against Buffy’s lips, Faith broke the kiss to start a wet trail across the delicate jaw before dropping instantly to the now bared collarbone that she had fantasized about every time the blonde wore anything revealing- hell, even semi-revealing… sometimes even in a sweatshirt. Sucking gently, Faith flicked her tongue across the heated, wet flesh, savoring the moment. Her attention was ripped from her ministrations when the delicate dance of fingertips once again brushed her breast. Groaning softly against the other slayer, Faith sighed when the small hand cupped one breast, the thumb tenderly flicking over her hard nipple.
“Like that?” Buffy asked breathlessly, her voice quiet.
Faith grinned, and glanced up into Buffy’s half-shut eyes, “Definitely.”
From that moment on, it was a blur of sensations, complimented by soft sighs and uninhibited moans. Faith semi-lucidly remembered her hand cupping the back of Buffy’s small shoulder before trailing down the smooth back and slipping around to let her thumb catch on a jutting hip bone. She remembered Buffy’s lips skimming along her clavicle, nipping her shoulder gently, producing a guttural growl from the dark slayer. In response, the blonde lifted her mouth up and tugged on a tender earlobe before shifting to place a soft kiss on the brunette’s jaw line and finally dropping again to the top of her breast. She remembered Buffy’s thigh between her legs, the pressure steady and unwavering until their hips rocked in unison, eliciting a warm groan of pleasure from both women. She remembered her hand leaving the jutting hip bone and dancing a path up to a taut stomach; allowing her fingers to delicately circle the shorter woman’s belly button teasingly before descending down into soaked curls. She remembered the anticipation, how they both held their breath, the tension ebbing suddenly when Buffy threw her head back, her eyes fluttering shut as Faith slipped a finger inside, her thumb flicking over her swollen clit, beginning the torturous rhythm that would lead to the final crescendo.
From that moment on, it was even less that semi-lucid. Too caught up in the feelings of the moment, the only distinct thing Faith could recall was that Buffy was definitely a fast learner. The pair collapsed in a heap at the bottom of the shower, which had begun to turn tepid. Goosebumps rose on the pair’s skin and with a sidelong glance at the blonde, Faith shut off the water and slowly drew the curtain back. Standing up on shaky legs, Faith exited the shower and grabbed both hers and Buffy’s towels from the rack. The blonde had curled up and wrapped her arms around her legs, the cold getting to her. Wrapping her towel around herself, Faith crouched down outside the tub, a lopsided smile on her face, and held out the towel to the other woman. Buffy eyed Faith serenely for a moment before moving into the towel and stood up.
Exiting the bathroom, Buffy leaned into Faith as they made their way towards the bed; I think I’m falling in love with you, Faith thought, her arm wrapped tightly around the shorter woman. It was as if all of the tension that had been building had suddenly left the room, all of the innuendos were no longer necessary, and the sexual comments had been left at the door. In other words, most of Faith’s personality around the blonde was stripped away, leaving a far more serious and loving person standing next to her as they approached the bed.
Stopping, Buffy turned to look Faith in the eyes, “That was…amazing.”
Faith smiled gently, “Yeah,” Leaning in, Faith kissed the blonde softly, before pulling away to speak, “Worth the wait?”
Buffy grinned devilishly, “Well…that’s debatable.”
Faith’s jaw dropped, but before she could make a comment back, the blonde had pressed her body fully against her, the towel dropping to the floor, and Faith felt herself falling to the bed with the weight of the blonde propelling them down.
Faith awoke to the sunlight streaming in the patio door, causing the bed to be awash in the morning light. Blinking, Faith began to remember the events of the night before, and a soft smile spread out across her face. Long into the early hours of the morning, Faith and Buffy had been learning every curve and crevice of each others’ bodies, each time moving even more methodically and slowly, mapping out the sensitive areas to remember in the future. Now, Buffy lay curled against her body, the honeysuckle aroma of her hair reaching Faith’s nose as the blonde’s head rested on the top curve of her breasts. The sheets were in tangles around them, for the most part pulled from their restrictive confines when they were yanked around during the night. Two of the four pillows had survived the tumult, one on which Faith slept on, the other perched delicately on the end of the bed, as if ready to fall off at any moment. The other two were on the floor next to Faith’s side of the bed, a neglected and unwanted look about them. The towels were, if Faith remembered correctly, most likely on the floor on Buffy’s side of the bed in a wet heap.
Closing her eyes to the serenity of the moment, Faith breathed in the mixture of warm scents made up of Buffy’s hair, her own shampoo, and the undeniable scent of their lovemaking. Remembering back to the night, Faith smiled again, thinking how the aroused scent of Buffy had drawn her in, tasting her being the only thing better. Her thoughts scattered at the sound of a faint knock at the door. Lifting her head, Faith listened, and heard soft footsteps receding. Carefully extricating herself from the blonde’s slumbering embrace, Faith wrapped a rarely used bathrobe around her naked form and padded to the door. Opening it a crack, Faith saw a tray of food on the floor outside. Bringing in the tray, Faith placed it on the end of the bed, picking up the note on it. Enjoy a morning in bed; everything’s all taken care of downstairs. –W. Faith smiled; Red, you sure can be fantastic sometimes.
“What you smiling at?” Buffy asked, her voice filled with sleep.
“Hey, I didn’t know you’d woken up,” Faith replied softly, her grin widening as she looked up at the half-sitting blonde, before answering her question, “It’s a note from Red, she’s taken care of the morning duties, so we can sleep and eat in. She even cooked.”
“Wow, that was nice of her,” Buffy sat up, the sheet she’d pulled up during the night to stay warm falling to her waist.
Faith’s eyes dropped to drink in the exposed skin, her eyes darkening. Instead of reddening, Buffy’s face relaxed into a sultry look in response to Faith’s reaction, “You hungry for breakfast or…”
Faith’s gaze meet Buffy’s as the sentence trailed off. Before she could reply, her stomach growled in hunger. Buffy chuckled quietly, and Faith could only grin, “How about, real food for now, and we see where things go afterwards?”
Buffy smiled up at the rogue slayer as she brought the tray over, “Sounds like a plan.”
A little over a week after Buffy and Faith first slept together, after plenty of teasing from everyone, and several physical threats from the pair in response, the house had returned back to normal. When Kennedy had declared “finally!” in front of the older group, a general chuckle of agreement backed it up and the two women could only grin sheepishly in response. The pair didn’t have much else to focus on outside of patrolling and each other that week, so when Sandra strode in the door shortly before dinner over a week later, slapping a folder down on the table where Buffy, Faith, Xander, Willow and Giles were conversing, it was as if the events building up before that night were suddenly brought back onto the front burner.
“Are those the lab results?” Buffy asked hopefully.
“You bet they are,” Sandra replied, pulling out a chair beside Xander and plopping down into it.
“So what’s the sitch on the remains?” Faith asked, leaning back in her chair.
Pulling the papers from the folder, Sandra flipped through them, and Faith guessed from the lack of reading that Sandra had already looked over them thoroughly at the lab.
“We have a grand total of three different bodily remains there. Of the three lower arms and hands, one is definitely a match to Harrison Beatman. The other two are both Caucasoid females, and most likely, from the same woman. The lower calf and partial foot remains that were found belong to a Mongoloid male, the identity is also unknown. The woman’s prints were run through the system, but nothing came up, so she’s just a Jane Doe. There isn’t much we can do with a foot that would be helpful, we were lucky to get a generic racial idea, never mind gender.”
There were a few moments of silence as the group digested this before Buffy spoke, “So does any of this help us?”
Sandra looked at the papers, not really reading them before replying, “Nope.”
“Great,” Buffy pushed back her chair and stood before pacing a few steps.
“Knowing who those remains were wouldn’t have helped us anyway, outside of giving grieving families some semblance of peace,” Sandra carefully rationalized, noting Buffy’s aggravated state.
Buffy breathed loudly out of her nose and nodded, “I know, I know…it’s just that…yeah…”
Faith watched the blonde carefully, knowing the woman’s thoughts, which were exactly what Sandra had stated, and yet, the idea of victims in this giant battle between good and evil always hit Buffy in a way that Faith never felt, but in the years since their initial meeting, she had come to understand.
“Willow, was there any progress on that magick containment you’ve been working on?” Giles asked, his chin perched on his hands on the table, trying to steer the conversation into something more positive.
Willow squirmed in her seat, the spotlight suddenly on her, “Well, yes and no.”
Buffy stopped pacing, her hands on her hips, her posture expressing fatigue, and yet she was completely attentive to the redhead. Faith finally dragged her gaze from Buffy and focused on Willow.
“What do you mean?” Xander asked, leaning the side of his head on the palm of his hand as he turned to look at Willow down the table.
“Well, I was able to find out their magick signature, so I can do a generic landscape spell on a map of Cleveland to find if there is a match to that signature somewhere else,” Willow explained, glancing around the table.
“You mean, like finding their new hideout?” Faith asked, suddenly leaning forward, crossing her arms on the table.
“Yeah, presuming their shamans stay with or near the rest of the Kartuk, definitely,” Willow replied, nodding.
“But?” Buffy interjected softly, catching Willow’s attention.
“But the signature itself is very volatile- which suggests that their magicks are the same, if not worse,” Willow finished, looking over at Giles, who leaned back in his chair, his features darkening.
“Meaning this battle will be far more difficult, if you’re having so much trouble dealing with an old signature,” Giles inferred.
Willow nodded, “Yeah, this is gonna be hard. I haven’t even found a weakness in the signature yet, and I was hoping for that by now. Then I’d have at least something to help me and the Coven learn to break their magick barriers when we do finally fight. It would give all of you a better chance of taking out the shamans faster, which would make everything easier.”
“You would think that after everything we’ve been through, we would get a break, but no,” Xander quipped, shaking his head.
The group fell silent for a few moments before Faith glanced over at Willow, “When do you think you’d be able to tell us where the new hideout is?”
Willow looked over at Faith for a moment before answering, “I’ll get the ingredients together after dinner, the spell isn’t that complicated, but I would like someone nearby for an anchor. It shouldn’t take too long, but it’s not easy to do, mostly because of the strength in the signature.”
Faith nodded, “Sounds good. Be careful.”
Willow smiled tightly, “Thanks.”
“When do you meet with Alice?” Giles asked suddenly, and all the attention was refocused on Faith, who shifted in her seat, a frown creasing her features at the mention of her psych meeting.
“Tomorrow at 9,” Faith mumbled, “She said for you and Will to meet us at the other mansion around noon.”
“Why such a drastic time difference?” Willow asked, her brow furrowed.
Faith sighed, “It’s gonna be a complicated meeting, ok? Or do you not remember how entertaining my stories were?”
The remark came out harsher than intended, but Faith was still furious with the fact that she was being forced into this, even if it would help. Willow’s gaze dropped to the table to investigate her fingernails, and the rest of the group who were sitting, awkwardly looked away. Only Buffy watched Faith, and the dark slayer felt the heated gaze, knowing the mixture of compassion and affection gracing its features even without looking. We’re in this deep, aren’t we? Faith thought, finally meeting the blonde woman’s gaze with an equally strong look of her own. As if reading her thoughts, Buffy nodded imperceptibly and exited the room, signifying the end of the discussions for now.
The echo of a taped up fist hitting a weighted leather bag, mixed with the higher pitched grunt as Faith exhaled from the force of the hit, coupled with the added touch of the chains jingling as they swayed were all that Faith’s ears heard as she worked out in the barn. As the weather grew warmer, Faith found that she would pry herself away from the mansion for anything that wasn’t specifically offered there. Outside of food, a roof in bad weather, clean clothes, and a bed to sleep in, Faith found herself out on her bike, running the trail, or spending her time in the barn, doing various –and occasionally nefarious- activities to kill the time.
Feeling her brain switch into narration as she gripped the bag in her sweaty hands to smooth out it’s swing, Faith glanced around, this place, avoided by all of the Mini-Slayers is quite possibly the only place where I can run my mouth without worrying over whether Lynn heard me or not. Moving away from the bag to the bench-press along one wall, Faith smirked, the privacy of this place when T’wanni isn’t here…Hell, Buffy and I just found a new use for this bench that has nothing to do with using weights. Good kneeling height, I give it that… Lying down on it after checking that the weight was adequate, Faith’s grin vanished as she focused on her set.
Exhaling after doing her third set of eight, Faith replaced the bar and sat up, her elbows coming to a rest on her knees as she leaned forward to catch her breath. And then there were two, Faith thought, her eyes noticing a figure standing in the doorway to the barn, the low light from the setting sun outside back-lighting them enough to blot out whoever it was from identification, but Faith could feel her. You can’t really sneak up on me, B.
“Hey,” Buffy opened, as she entered the barn and shut the door behind her, cutting out the sun and allowing the florescent lights inside to light her more correctly.
“Hey back,” Faith replied, remaining where she was, her eyes fused to the blonde as she moved further inside and ever closer.
Buffy’s gaze dropped to the bench Faith was sitting on, and a twitch at the corner of her mouth accompanied an arched eyebrow, yet she said nothing as she came to sit on the accompanying bench next to Faith where the free weights were used.
Faith looked over at Buffy, “What, you think this bench can’t be used for what it was made for anymore?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” Buffy replied, her face breaking out into a grin, before adding in a softer, almost lilting voice as she eyed Faith over, “Definitely not.”
Faith felt her insides squirm just a bit at the way she was being visually undressed, and swallowed- audibly. Buffy heard the nervous swallow and cocked her head slightly, “Nervous?”
Faith chuckled at that and swung her legs around to face Buffy; there are a million ways to answer that question, “Should I be?”
It was Buffy’s turn to laugh as she stood suddenly, and began to move away. Faith grabbed her hand however and pulled her back, causing the blonde to fall ungracefully down into her lap. The pair stopped for a moment before both laughing softly. Their noses were almost touching, and yet, Faith didn’t want to stop the moment, whatever it was, even for a kiss. Buffy seemed to agree, and the moment became more serious as she lifted a hand, and delicately traced the curved of Faith’s cheekbone with the pad of her thumb. Faith’s eyes fluttered shut, drinking in the moment, not entirely sure why, until the thought I love her drifted into her head. At the sudden realization- which would later be questioned and picked over - Faith’s eyes snapped open, startling Buffy.
In retrospect, the simplicity and gentleness of the situation that produced the realization would prove that it was true, but in this immediate moment, Faith didn’t want to believe it just yet, and all of her interior systems began to misfire. Faith awkwardly stood, causing Buffy to almost fall to the floor, but she recovered and stood in front of a clearly shaken Faith.
“What? What is it?” Buffy asked, placing a hand on Faith’s shoulder.
Faith jumped at the touch, and Buffy pulled her hand away as if burned, her easily readable face conveying the mixture of pained confusion. Opening her mouth, Faith was about to apologize, but found that the words were evading her. Shutting her mouth in frustration, Faith sighed loudly and moved to get out of the barn as fast as possible, leaving a bewildered and hurt blonde to watch her retreating back.
Faith would come to look back on her decision to get away from the mansion for the night as one of the worst ideas of her redemptive life- one in which she would unfortunately not be the only person to witness and remember. However, it was her way of freaking out about falling in love- nay her way of freaking out about being in love, which was a whole different game. After driving around the town until well past midnight, Faith finally shut off her engine and dismounted, her eyes glued to the building in front of her.
It was a tried and true way of proving things right- or wrong- and Faith felt the guilt creeping into her body at each step she took towards Club Flair, one of the most well known lesbian clubs in the entire city. She had visited it herself with Kennedy a couple of times, the bar being a far quieter scene than the dance floor. However this time, Faith wasn’t looking to dance away her problems, she wanted a drink.
“Johnny D, three of ‘em,” Faith ordered, after seating herself at the bar.
The music thumped down from the stairwell leading up to the dance floor, and Faith eyed it, but the desire wasn’t in her. She tuned out the conversation and hip-hop music emanating from the downstairs speakers around her and did each shot, one right after the other, enjoying the hot burn as the liquid trickled down her throat. Upon waving the bartender down, he gave her a refill and a tight smile.
“You must be able to hold your own, darlin’.”
“I like to think so,” Faith replied, smirking up at him before he nodded and moved down to another customer.
“This round’s on me,” A soft voice broke into Faith’s thoughts as she ran the tip of her finger around the edge of one of the shot glasses.
Turning, Faith watched a slender, dirty blonde haired woman about her age slide onto the barstool next to her. Her hair was half up, and down in all the right places, complimenting the hooped earrings that glittered in the light. She wore a white tank top with artistic brush strokes of black all over it, and tight fitting jeans that flared out over three-inch black heels. Dragging her eyes back up to meet the woman’s eyes, Faith smiled softly.
“That’s kind of you, but I’m good.”
“Oh I insist,” the woman replied, flagging down the bartender to order a shot of some flavor of Smirnoff vodka, “I’m Robyn.”
Faith looked over at the outstretched hand, and the tingling of guilt began to creep back up. In defiance of maturity at the moment, Faith smirked playfully and grasped the woman’s hand, “Faith.”
Another twelve shots of Jack Daniels, and Faith found that reverting to her old self was far easier than acting grown up. It was only when a far-too familiar voice exclaiming her name caused her to pull her mouth away from the salty lips of Ribbon or Bobbi or whatever the fuck her name was. It took several seconds to recognize and understand the seriousness of her situation before she uttered the only word to encapsulate the severe badness of that very moment, “Fuck.”
“Do you know Faith?” the long-forgotten name of the dirty-blonde who was currently pressed up against the wall outside the club asked, gesturing to the woman behind Faith.
“What the fuck, Faith? What the…” And Faith dropped her gaze, swallowed the bulge in her throat, and looked back up at her friend.
“Ken…”
“No, you don’t get to talk. Not now. Not when I’m so fucking close to ripping you a new one,” Kennedy broke in, shaking her head and reaching out to grab Faith’s wrist, “I’m sorry; I’ve got to take my friend home.”
“But, wait!” Robyn called out, “Don’t you want my number?”
Faith felt her insides clamp at the question and let Kennedy pull her even harder as they turned a corner. The pair moved in a semi-straight line, thanks to Faith’s drunkenness, down the street in silence for a couple of blocks, before Faith’s eyes widened and she jerked around back towards the bar.
“Oh, no, you’re not going back tonight girlfriend,” Kennedy yanked back, pulling Faith forward a few more steps.
“But, my bike!” Faith gestured behind them, stumbling to stay in stride with Kennedy.
“I had Sandra take it home. We walked over here after wandering around to most of your common hangouts,” Kennedy explained, her voice quiet.
“Did she see…” Faith began, straightening up slightly, as sobriety began its first attempt to break though.
“No,” Kennedy replied, her voice still quiet, “When I saw your bike…I just told her to take it home, I had a spare key on my keychain.”
“Oh,” Faith replied, before a gurgling began in her stomach, “I think I need to vomit.”
“Fuck,” Kennedy pulled Faith towards the side of the road, and grabbed hair as Faith leaned over quickly and up-chucked her drinks, “God, Faith what the fuck made you do this?”
Faith wiped her face before moving away about ten feet and collapsing onto the curb further away. Kennedy came over and sat beside her.
“Feel better?”
Faith shrugged, before answering, “I don’t know why.”
Kennedy took in the response, before realizing what she was replying to and shot back, “Bullshit, you always have a motive.”
Faith tensed at the term, finding its use in the current situation making her sound like, a cheater? Because that’s what I am… Groaning Faith dropped her head into her hands, “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, I wasn’t expecting to…”
“What, Faith? What is this about?” Kennedy asked her tone softening, and Faith could tell she wanted to understand.
“I freaked out,” Faith began, only to pause at a wave of nausea. After it passed, Faith continued, thankful for Kennedy’s silence, “I was with Buffy today, and we were just, happy, and I realized that I loved her.”
Faith felt Kennedy tense beside her, knowing the anger building within her at the stupidity of the explanation.
“An I know that’s not an excuse, but, I freaked,” Shutting her eyes, Faith continued, “I’m never felt like this for anyone, ever. And it just…it scared me. Scares me.”
“So,” Kennedy began, choosing her words in what Faith knew to be her oh-so careful way, “Your reaction to this realization is to lock lips with the first woman who isn’t Buffy?”
“No!” Faith lifted her head and looked at Kennedy, frustrated, “Alcohol was my reaction. The woman was an… an occupational hazard from too many shots. I don’t fucking know. She like, sat down and began buying me drinks, which sounded great at the time, because, hey I wanted drinks. I didn’t go out with the plan to cheat! Fuck!”
“So you freaked out?” Kennedy began after a few tense moments of silence.
Faith nodded, “Yeah,” then, after pausing for a moment, “Are you gonna tell her?”
Kennedy sighed and stood up, pulling Faith with her, “Only if you don’t.”
“Before or after I tell her I love her?” Faith asked, drunken self-loathing making its way into her brain, Boy am I fucked.
Kennedy cast a sidelong glance at Faith, “Fuck if I know. You make up your mind about how much shit you wanna put her through.”
Faith faintly remembered walking up the driveway with Kennedy, but beyond that, things got kind of, blank. Opening her eyes into slits, Faith didn’t notice where she was right away. It was only after her eyes adjusted to the darkness broken by the thin strip of light coming from the door in front of her that Faith realized with a groan, that Kennedy had dropped her, with a pillow, blanket, and- upon reaching out and hitting it- a trash can, in Willow’s magicks room. Far away from Buffy. Unfortunately, this unpleasant sleeping area meant one thing, and Faith suddenly realized how clever Kennedy was.
While the younger girls would go off to school, and most of the others would end up at work or out on errands, Faith- and Kennedy- both knew that today, Buffy was spending at home, and was most likely somewhere in the house where Faith’s re-emergence from the basement, never mind her appearance after fleeing the evening before, would be noticed immediately. Clever girl.
Groaning again, Faith rolled onto her side and sat up, holding her head in her hands. Stumbling into a kneeling position, Faith felt a heavy blanket slip down to the floor, and she crawled awkwardly to the door. Grasping the handle, Faith turned the knob and pulled the door in just enough to let in a crack of light. It was dull, due to the florescent lighting only being half on, but Faith caught sight of a glass of water and a napkin with two pills on it next to the glass. Closing her eyes in gratitude, Faith pulled the door open until it swayed into the wall gently, and leaned her shoulder against the doorframe. Reaching out, Faith picked up the pills and knocked them to the back of her throat before grabbing the water and drinking more than half of it.
It took more than fifteen minutes for Faith to properly fold up the blanket and place both it, and the empty trashcan outside the magicks storeroom’s door, before beginning the long journey up the stairwell to what Faith knew would be a brightly lit dining room. This will not be fun. Her brain again jumped back to the intelligence of her sister slayer and friend, and then Faith cringed, knowing what she had to tell Buffy. Fuck. Sighing, Faith opened the basement door a crack and peered out. Detecting no sounds, Faith opened the door enough to slip out and shut it behind her. Moving as gently and quickly as possible, Faith scurried around the corner and into the hallway. Running down towards the half-bath, Faith heard a pair of bare feet slap on the kitchen tile as she shut the door silently. After taking care of all immediate necessities, Faith turned on the faucet and splashed water on her face before risking a glance into the mirror. The face staring back at her looked ragged, and reminded her of how she looked after falling apart in Angel’s arms so many years ago. The guilt of what she had done then caught up with her, and Faith hung her head again as flashes of last night reverberated throughout her brain. If I could just get upstairs and shower, look mildly normal, have some sort of control over myself before… But she didn’t finish her train of thought, knowing that no matter what she did, it would still be horrible.
Sliding down against the sink top, Faith wrapped her arms around her knees and felt the first shake in her body. Wrapping her hand over her forehead, Faith let her shoulders shake, feeling the tears track down her cheeks, already mourning the loss of something she hadn’t even realized was so important to her. Sitting on the bathroom floor, sniffling quietly, Faith didn’t hear the door open, and only knew someone was there when her name was spoken in a worried way, grabbing her attention.
Turning and looking up at the intruder, Faith closed her eyes, Oh God, Buffy, Faith thought, and then, she realized suddenly, that she did love her, it wasn’t just her waxing melodrama on a pleasant moment shared between the two of them yesterday afternoon. It was real. With that knowledge, Faith swallowed down her fear, and with tear rimmed eyes, asked Buffy to shut the door and sit down.
To say that she had been through worse emotional ordeals would require Before Redemption and After Redemption labels. In all honesty, Faith wanted say that the hour and a half spent in the bathroom earlier was the worst of her life, but she couldn’t fool herself. Her life happened to have far too many horrible experiences. After beginning down the path of atoning for her sins, and trying to be a better person, Faith knew that nothing compared to the pain of telling Buffy. Especially knowing that she loved this woman, who very well might love her back.
It was worse than any mental or physical torture that had ever been visited upon her. For once, Faith didn’t know how to ignore it or shut it off. She remembered Angel once telling her to just let the pain of her deeds flow over her, as accepting their existence was one of the first steps to redeeming herself. Right now, Faith wished she could do anything but that, as the guilt and pain of the previous night, mixed with the emotional turmoil of that morning flowed through her like oil, making her feel tainted, and no amount of scrubbing would get rid of all of it. Knowing a phone call to the west coast would be in her future soon, Faith tied her sneakers tight before standing on the deck and starting off at a clipped pace into the trails.
It was mid-afternoon, and after food and water, Faith’s hangover receded enough for her to go for a run that she hoped would help her clear her head. As her feet pounded the trodden dirt path, Faith replayed that morning’s fiasco over and over in her head, it could’ve gone worse. Buffy had gone mute during the revelation, and Faith feared more for an explosion of fury instead of actually causing the emotional shut down that had occurred. Buffy didn’t yell, or hit her, which were both complete 180’s from their mixed friend/enemy/ally past. In the moments after Buffy had left the bathroom without so much as a word, Faith realized just how much their life together had changed, and feared the more powerful effect she now had over the other Chosen One. Faith had reigned in her tears when Buffy had sat down, knowing that in this moment, she didn’t have the right to do it, it wasn’t for her to do. It was worse to watch the single, silent tear slip down Buffy’s cheek before she left, her hand on the door knob as she turned back to look down at Faith. Faith had wanted to jump up and cup her cheek, wipe away the tear, tell her another ten times that she was sorry, but she was frozen to her spot, again knowing it was not her right to do that, not now. Not when she had fucked it all up.
Running through the woods, Faith knew that Willow or Dawn would be the person Buffy would accept this from. Most likely Willow, if history was one to prove anything. Which meant one of two things, when Faith ran into Willow privately there would be no verbal threat of physical harm that the younger sister was so skilled at conveying to protect Buffy; instead there would be a silent threat to make things right, or face the protective wrath of the entire core Scooby Gang. Sometimes Faith didn’t know which was the bigger threat to her safety- the Scoobies as a collective, or Dawn- and that was scary in its own right.
Dinner was awkward, as Faith sat to the right of Buffy like she normally did, so as not to pique any interests, but the cool silence that remained between the pair throughout the dinner was noticeable to all present, and Faith silently cursed their awkwardness when clearing the table, when their hands accidently brushed. Faith felt the normal spark that the touch would usually elicit, but this time around it felt tainted somehow, the sexual and arousing reactions the touch usually caused instead felt wrong, and Faith felt her neck burn with shame at the way she had even ruined the simplest of things between the two of them.
After Willow announced for the core group to meet her in her office in an hour, Faith waited for most of the people to disappear off into the house before following Willow into her office, where she figured the neurotic genius would be preparing the setup of the meeting, most likely with post-its, or something of the sort. Smirking at the notion, Faith knocked once on the partially closed door, and upon being called in, entered and shut the door, not even surprised to see a short stack of note cards on the desk in front of the seated redhead.
“Faith,” Willow began, and gestured for Faith to take a seat, “What’s up?”
Faith couldn’t gauge the redhead, knowing that sometimes she was very skilled at playing things close to her chest, and the amount of information that she knew about last night and today could be anywhere between nothing – which was highly unlikely- or everything- which was what Faith was both hoping and dreading was the case.
“I, err, I was wondering what I missed last night at the meeting,” Faith began dumbly, searching for anything that wouldn’t immediately receive the third degree.
“We didn’t have one, once you went off, we just figured it’d be okay to hold off for one more night. Tonight’s meeting will be about, well, everything,” Willow explained, shrugging.
Faith nodded, “’K,” then fell silent, not sure what to say next, then, “I missed Alice’s meeting this morning.”
“I know, she said to just reschedule for sometime this week,” Willow replied calmly, her expression still conveying nothing.
Faith nodded, thankful for small mercies, before sighing and leaning forward on the couch, and put her face in her hands.
“We need to talk,” Willow stated coolly, and Faith lifted her eyes above the tips of her fingers, curving her palms around her jaw as her elbows rested on her knees.
Faith watched Willow like this for a moment before nodding and leaned back in the seat, refraining from the comfortable slouch she normally shifted into.
“What do you know?” Faith asked, breaking eye contact and looking out the side window.
“Well, Buffy came into my room earlier, I think after you went out for a run, when I got back, from Alice’s with Giles,” Willow began, and Faith remembered one of the reasons she fled the mansion was to give Buffy complete access and privacy to seek out her best friend, “Kennedy came upstairs at one point, I felt her, but she must’ve heard what was going on and retreated back down. She and I talked shortly before dinner, and I got her account of things.” Oh fuck.
“Has Kennedy talked to Buffy yet?” Faith asked, running her hand through her hair.
“Not yet, but I told her that when Buffy did seek her out, to refrain from certain parts,” Willow replied, cocking her head to one side as she dropped the pen she was holding onto the desk.
“Such as?” Faith didn’t care what was told; just not that she loved the blonde. She had already told Buffy everything that had happened to the best that her drunken memory provided.
Willow was quiet, as if trying to think of how to say the next sentence. Before speaking, she looked up at Faith, and Faith saw a flicker of warmth in them as she asked, “You love her?”
Faith swallowed, and nodded, “Yes,” Looking down at her shoes, Faith felt her face redden, “Ken can tell her whatever, just not that, please.”
“That’s what I told her,” Willow replied softly, agreeing, “Can I ask you a question?”
Faith dared a glance up at the witch and nodded mutely.
“Why react that way?”
Closing her eyes slowly, Faith furrowed her brows as guilt hit her again, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, “Old habit?” She replied rhetorically before shaking her head, “I could explain, but it doesn’t matter. There’s no excuse worth telling,” Faith finished the sentence quietly, forcing Willow to strain to hear her, “I just…I just want to make things right again.”
Willow nodded, “It’s not like saying sorry once will fix things,” The redhead trailed off and looked away, and Faith was struck by a memory of Xander telling her about Oz’s exit long ago, “You can’t just apologize and expect it to go back to normal. It’s never that simple.”
“I know,” Faith replied, looking out the window again.
“Give her time,” Willow continued after falling silent for a bit, “Forgiveness of others is far easier on her than forgiving herself.”
Faith nodded before slouching down in her chair, “Can I chill here till the meeting?”
Willow nodded before going back to her notes, and Faith was glad things were at least five by five between her and the blonde’s best friend.
“So what are we doing again?” Britt asked as she, Faith, Kennedy, Tonya and Buffy walked through the forest where Cleveland’s Hellmouth hid.
“The map Willow and Xander did that spell on to find where the Kartuk had set up their new base showed that it was in this forest. We just wanna see what the layout is,” Buffy explained as she ducked under a low branch.
“Oh,” Britt fell silent, then, “So we’re not slaying anything?”
Faith smirked, “Not here, no. Recon and research is nine-tenths of this job anyway.”
“Seems boring,” Tonya commented, gaining a low chuckle from Kennedy.
“I hear ya,” Kennedy commented, “But you’ll see the importance of this soon enough.”
“Quiet,” Buffy suddenly cut in, and the group refocused on the original Chosen One.
Glancing at the group, her eyes quickly flicking over and away from Faith, Buffy stated in a low voice, “Through these bushes. Stay out of view, spread out. Do not enter into combat, avoid being noticed. Meet back here in ten minutes.”
Faith nodded and then grinned after seeing the suddenly excited looks on the younger girls’ faces. First time is always a rush.
Faith moved opposite Buffy, her normal reaction- they provided the wings of the group- and snuck under some low hanging foliage between a tree that had fallen at an angle onto another tree. Here, she had a clear view of the opening area that a string of huts seemed to make a half-ring around. It was a different set up than the woods up in the park, but considering the apocalypse they were creating, Faith figured the Kartuk weren’t too concerned about their normal living habits.
To say the ten minutes were slow was an understatement. Faith’s knees had locked up as she half crouched, half kneeled, and all she could ascertain was the layout. Nothing was moving near her. When she made it back to the meeting place, the group convened together and moved as one away from the base. When they exited the woods and popped out into the nearby cemetery, Buffy looked around and asked if anyone saw anything. Kennedy and Britt stated that nothing had moved, Buffy agreeing to the same thing, but Tonya piped up,
“I heard chanting near me, they seemed to have moved from the campsite off to another area out of sight.”
“Was it anything you recognized?” Buffy asked, turning towards the younger slayer.
“Sounded demonic. I didn’t see anything, really, just heard,” Tonya explained, shrugging.
“You see anything?” Buffy suddenly asked Faith, and only Faith and Kennedy noticed the sharpness of the question.
“Nah, it looked like they’d left to do something,” Faith explained, looking out towards the cemetery.
“Sounds familiar,” Buffy murmured, and Faith stopped in her tracks.
“What the hell did you say?” Faith shot out, anger boiling up suddenly.
For a moment, Buffy looked like she was going to take the bait, but then she sighed, “Nothing.”
Reaching forward, Faith grabbed Buffy’s arm and turned her towards her, “Maybe you should say something. It’d be better than nothing.”
“Guys…” Kennedy cut in uncertainly.
“What do you want me to say Faith? That you hurt me more than I thought you could? Want me to tell you how betrayed and cheated I feel? Will that help you?”
Buffy was practically yelling and Faith stepped back, her own frustrations building, “Yeah, it would! I’d like to know what’s going on in your brain, I want to fix this!”
“This isn’t something you just flick a switch and reset everything, Faith,” Buffy shot back condescendingly.
“I know that!” Faith growled, “I know I fucked up, and I just…” Faith statement was cut off when Tonya yelled as she was slammed into a tall tombstone by a vampire.
Faith suddenly realized their situation as six vampires circled in, and felt her jaw set. Grinding her molars together, Faith focused on the closest vamp, who was grinning, “Lover’s quarrel?”
“Fuck you,” Faith seethed, dodging a punch and landing a back hand to his face, too angry to focus on the enjoyment of slaying. Spinning the vamp around, Faith shot out a leg and kicked him for all he was worth, sending him flying into another vamp flying through the air.
As the two undead bodies slammed into one another, Faith ran forward and did a leg sweep before dusting him. The sound of the other vamp blowing in the wind caused her to look up and lock eyes with Buffy. The eyes had softened slightly, but the pain was still there. We always made a good synchronized team.
“Glad you’re having a moment, but a lil’ help?” Britt called out to the pair, and Faith moved immediately to her aid while sensing Buffy going to help Tonya, who was currently struggling with two vamps.
Grabbing the vamp pinning Britt to the ground, Faith threw her through the air, where she landed with a sickening crunch against the edge of a tombstone, snapping it in half. Helping Britt up, Faith heard Kennedy’s vamp dust. Turning towards the female vamp, Faith smirked as she came running forward, and sparing a glance at Britt, spun and landed a roundhouse kick to the vamp’s face, sending her stumbling backwards again. Britt moved past Faith as she came out of her spin and landed two uppercuts before an elbow to the vamp’s face gave her an opening and slammed the stake home.
Turning around, Faith glanced around and saw Tonya slaying the last vampire, and the group as a whole came back together, assessing the situation.
“Anyone hurt?” Buffy asked, glancing around, this time her gaze held on Faith a bit longer before flicking to Kennedy.
“Yeah,” Tonya replied, and Britt nodded too, her hand at her neck.
“What’s the damage?” Kennedy asked, looking at the two younger slayers.
“Vamp slashed up my arm when he used that fucking angel on the tombstone as a backboard to throw me into,” Tonya grumbled, holding her arm, where blood had soaked through her sleeve.
“The vamp that was on me got a nice graze in,” Britt commented, pulled her hand away to show two shallow gashes in her neck, “Thanks for being timely Faith.”
Faith grinned, “It’s an acquired skill.”
“Come on, let’s get home,” Buffy urged, pushing the two younger woman in front of her, with Kennedy in the lead.
The group walked in silence for a bit, and Buffy and Faith fell back, a tense peace between them.
“I’m sorry,” Faith murmured softly, her voice laden with guilt.
Buffy remained silent for a few more steps before replying, “I know. But we’re not okay yet.”
“Okay,” Faith replied meekly, never knowing a time in her past when someone could make her so timid. I better be in love, cause if I’m not…it would be embarrassing and so not worth it. Gunn and Ken would never let me live it down.
