Dedication: Kayleigh, for being so darn cute. Not that you're reading this, of course. ; )
(Today)
We search for reflections of ourselves everyday, in the reactions of others, in the things we see and the voices we hear.
Autumn will always be Faith's reflection to me. A season laden with contradictions, looking like fire and feeling like ice, Autumn is winter in summer's disguise. But somewhere deep in its layers of cold, there is a heat burning inside its heart, hoping, remembering the light that once surrounded it. It yearns for that heat to be set free once more, fighting against the frost that descends on it a little more everyday, a frost that comes no matter how hard we try to forget.
But we know that no matter how hard we fight, summer will always die, and we will be left in the bleakness of winter once more. And then, then we can only wait and pray that summer will once more return.
(3 days ago)
Buffy woke to find herself wrapped tightly in the arms of the other slayer. Her head nestled in the crook of Faith's neck, Buffy's eyes remained closed as she listened to her soft, steady breathing. Peace.
Light crept into the room, touching the blonde's eyes and willing her to open them just in time to see the dark slayer's skin turn gold in the morning sun. She sighed gently, her eyes drinking in her body, firm, smooth, and strikingly female. Sometimes anticipation is the best part, but sometimes you're not with Faith, under Faith, surrounded by Faith... Buffy groaned slightly, remembering the previous night's events, remembering the feel of her lover's confident touch. Sleepily, she pulled Faith closer, her thigh nudging between Faith's legs and her hand running lightly over her hips.
Buffy thanked whoever it was that made sure slayers didn't need much sleep. Her lips trailed over Faith's lightly, teasing her with her tongue and grinning as Faith's mouth parted slightly, granting her access unknowingly. Her breathing quickened as she ran her fingers over one of Faith's hardening nipples, rolling it in her fingers softly, as her mouth trailed down her neck, her teeth grazing over Faith's pulse point. As gently as she could in her rapidly increasing state of arousal, Buffy rolled Faith onto her back and slid her tongue down her breast and over her other nipple, taking it in her mouth and sucking gently.
Faith's legs parted slightly as a moan escaped her, feeling Buffy's actions in her sleep. The blonde's hand trailed down Faith stomach and through her curls to her growing wetness below. Sliding back up Faith body, her fingers remained between her legs, stroking the brunette's folds with feather light touches, feeling her arousal begin to show itself on her hand. Her lips brushed over Faith's again as she heard her moan out, and slid her tongue back into her mouth, playing with her lover's own as their breathing became laboured.
Her hips thrusting gently, Faith gasped out as she awoke to feel Buffy sliding two fingers smoothly inside her and her tongue deep in her mouth. "Fuck..." Faith gasped, her body straining into Buffy's touch.
Buffy just grinned at her and circled her clit with her thumb, putting more pressure on it as Faith moaned and slid her nails across Buffy's back.
"Morning." She whispered into Faith's ear as the brunette came beneath her.
Buffy's breathing finally began to steady as Faith crawled back up her body, grinning widely. "Aren't you supposed to pick Dawn up?" She asked, briefly sliding her tongue back into the blonde's mouth and letting her taste herself. Buffy groaned and nodded. Time. It all ended with time.
Reluctantly pulling away, Buffy got up, feeling Faith's eyes burning into her skin and feeling the heat shoot down towards her centre. "I have to talk to her...?"
Faith frowned slightly as Buffy voice made her statement into a question. "You really want to leave it like this?" She asked, growing distracted as she watched her dress. Focus please...
Buffy sighed. Yeah, she couldn't let it end that way. Faith was right, it was just... time... "'K." She mumbled. "But I won't be long."
"Get it sorted, B. Time doesn't matter."
Buffy sighed and walked towards her. "Maybe." She shrugged. "But I wanna spend it all with you." She leaned down and kissed Faith, her hands straying to her hair as she increased the depth of their kiss.
"Go." Faith ordered, pulling back and grinning at the blonde's pout. "Now."
Buffy sighed and walked to the door, taking one more glance at Faith's unembarrassed nakedness. Leave! She turned and walked out the room, biting her lip.
Sighing, Faith slumped back in her bed, closing her eyes as her hand trailed to the still warm space where Buffy had spent the night. It was strange, alien, the feeling in the pit of her stomach. Last night had dispelled any worries she had had that Buffy was playing with her, and she was left with this feeling of... Faith's eyes snapped open as she realised what it was. Happiness. Pure, complete happiness. This was what she had waited for, longed for, perhaps even before the two slayers had met. Part of her had always been calling out for Buffy, just not knowing that it was her she wanted. She turned and lay face down, drinking in the scent of the blonde and focusing all of her senses on remembering the feel of her body. As she drifted back of to sleep, she swore she could feel Buffy's arms around her.
Buffy walked along the street with a spring in her step that she couldn't remember feeling before. Dumb really, when she thought of all the badness that came with her decision to accept Faith. Still, it was there, and she was going to enjoy it while she could.
She felt as if she was in some old musical, the urge to sing and yell and kiss passers-by embarrassingly strong. Instead, she just smiled quietly to herself and basked in her happiness, refusing to think about the future.
Wandering up to Willow and Tara's dorm, she knocked on the door and walked in, only to be met with her sister's cold stare.
"You ready?" Buffy asked cheerfully.
Dawn grunted, picked up her bag and folded her arms across her chest, giving Buffy her best death stare.
Buffy sighed. "Where's Will?" She asked, looking around just in time to see the redhead walk back into the room giggling, with Tara's arms around her waist.
The blonde dropped her arms and blushed when she saw the Summers' sisters still standing there. "We thought you'd be- be-"
"Gone." Willow finished, glaring at Buffy.
Buffy looked at Dawn and motioned to her to leave the room, getting a scowl in return. "C'mon, Dawnie." Tara said quietly, taking her out the room, secretly grateful at the chance to let the two friends talk things over.
Buffy closed the door quietly behind the two girls. "You OK?" She asked nervously.
Willow nodded, turning away and fidgeting with her books.
"Please, Will. Can't we at least talk about this?"
"What's there to say?" Willow asked quietly.
"I just..." Buffy paused uncertainly. "I just don't want to have to choose between you."
Willow shrugged. "You already have."
"Don't say that..." Buffy said softly, wondering if Willow was still remembering when Faith had first come to Sunnydale. "I'm not choosing anyone. I love you both."
Willow sat down on her bed and sighed. "I don't understand, Buffy. After everything she put us through." She said softly, shaking her head.
Buffy moved beside her slowly and sat down. "It was meant to happen." She murmured. "I didn't even accept that until a few days ago." She turned to her best friend and placed her hand on her arm. "Please Will. I'm not asking you to like her-"
"Good thing."
"Or trust her-"
"Lucky, that."
"But please..." Buffy asked, looking at her hopefully. "Just accept it. I don't want to... lose you." She said, wondering if those were the right words.
"I'm not happy about it, Buffy." Willow said firmly. "And if she so much as looks at anyone in the wrong way-" Her threat trailed off as Buffy nodded, holding her breath. Willow couldn't help but smile, not remembering the last time she had seen her so happy. "But I won't stand in your way." She said finally, her smile growing wider as Buffy hugged her. "I love you too much to lose you to her again." She whispered, not seeing Buffy's smile weaken slightly over her shoulder.
"Thanks, Will." Buffy said, pulling back and putting the grin back on her face. "I better go-"
"Yes!" Willow nodded, standing and walking with her to the door. "Dawn's a bit upset."
Buffy hugged her again and threw her a look of thanks before rushing out to find her sister.
Faith's arms unconsciously felt for the other slayer as she awoke to the sound of the phone ringing. "Fnnnn... where..." She muttered, before opening her eyes and remembering that it was the middle of the day. "Yeah?" She asked as she picked up the phone, rolling sleepily onto her back.
"So much for calling me." Cordelia said, only half jokingly.
"Shit, Cordelia. Sorry." Faith mumbled, propping herself up against her headboard. "How the hell do you always manage to call me when I'm sleeping?"
Cordelia sighed and ignored the question. "How are you?"
Faith's eyes strayed to the emptiness beside her, an emptiness that she knew would be filled again. God, she wanted to tell her everything... but how could she? "Fine. You?"
"Good. Buffy?"
Faith winced, the urge to tell Cordelia every detail about the previous day and night overwhelming. "Good... we got together...."
"She loves you?" The seer's voice was unemotional, keeping her feelings bottled down as she tried to be happy for her friend.
"Yes." Faith replied, trying not to sound too enthusiastic. "It's all good."
Cordelia gulped. "That's great. Really."
"Yeah."
They sat for a moment, unsure of what to say to each other for the first time in a long time. "When are you coming back?" Cordelia asked suddenly, not sure what she wanted to hear.
Faith frowned. "I don't know. We haven't talked about it."
"Soon?"
"I don't know." She replied softly.
Cordelia hid the urge to cry with a cough. "Right. Well when you do, give me a call, OK?"
"Cordy..."
"No! That's fine. Enjoy it!" She said, her voice overly light. "I'll just be here-" waiting.
Faith closed her eyes. "I don't know what to say." She sighed. "I love you. I miss you. But-"
"I know." She sighed, hating that everytime they talked it seemed to end like this. "You're in love. You should be enjoying it. I just wanted to... know, I guess."
"Well-"
"Well now I do." She said. "Be careful. Say hi to everyone."
"OK."
"Bye."
Faith put down the receiver and ran her hands through her hair. God, it was never perfect... She had everything she ever wanted, and yet it still seemed to hurt so many people. Cordelia, Angel, and even though she didn't really care all that much, the Scoobies. Maybe she should have stayed in LA...
Buffy walked back into the room at that point, and strode straight up towards Faith, pushing her back down on the bed and kissing her impatiently.
Or maybe she'd done the right thing after all.
"We're going to my place." Buffy stated breathlessly. "I just have to do one thing first."
"Oh yeah? What's th- god...."
Buffy just grinned as she slid her hand between Faith's legs.
Many teen comedies and much pizza later, Dawn seemed almost happy to have Faith around. The tension that had been so obvious in the room when the two slayers had arrived to find a sulking teenager had dissolved into giggles and teasing. Faith had to hand it to her, Buffy had the big sister thing going down well. Yawning, Dawn had gone to bed, even saying goodnight politely to the slightly surprised brunette slayer, and left Buffy curled up on the couch with her head on Faith's lap.
Faith sighed contentedly, her hand playing with Buffy's hair, gently running her fingers throughout it almost absentmindedly. She was still in shock. A month ago, she would never have believed that she could be here, be tolerated let alone wanted. But maybe over analysing wasn't such a good idea.
"What time is it?" Buffy asked, sleepily.
"One. You wanna go to bed?"
Buffy shook her head sleepily. "I don't want to sleep."
"Who said anything about sleeping?" Faith grinned, kissing her gently and knowing full well that that was exactly what was going to happen.
Buffy smiled back at her. "OK." She said, getting up slowly. "But don't let me sleep. I want to stay awake with you." She took Faith's hand and led her up stairs, as the brunette wondered what her recent obsession with time was.
They walked into Buffy's room, sliding each other's clothes off before they were even in the door, and crawled into Buffy's bed. Buffy yawned again, and Faith grinned. "Sleep."
"No." Buffy said, kissing her again. "I don't want to waste it."
Faith pulled her into an embrace and stroked her hair, letting Buffy's head rest on her chest. The blonde mumbled a quiet protest before closing her eyes, lulled quickly into darkness by the steady, comforting beating of Faith's heart.
"Sleep." Faith whispered again softly, kissing her hair. "We've got all the time in the world."
"Yeah..." Buffy murmured, her dreams claiming her. "Time..."
PART 12
Author's Notes: The threesome reference is to Sway's fantastic fic One Of A Kind : ) LOL, OK so it's slightly different... but hey...
Dedication: Sasha for the excellence that is Slayer Pride, and for just being cool. : )
(Today)
In the end, words don't mean that much. The names we give each other, the names we give our feelings, serve only to create an illusion that we are in control. But they're only words. They don't bind our desires, and they don't harness our fears. Only we can do that. We will believe what we want to believe.
No matter what we are told.
(2 days ago)
Buffy woke with a start. Gasping, she clambered over Faith and searched for her clock. "What time is it?!" She yelped, elbowing Faith in the stomach as she groped about next to the bed.
The brunette grunted and opened her eyes reluctantly. "Early. Go back to sleep." She grumbled, turning over and burying her face in her pillow.
Buffy ignored her and found her clock, gabbing it and staring at the numbers in disbelief. "It's past noon!" She exclaimed, leaping out of bed and tripping over her rug.
Faith watched her out of the corner of her eye and giggled as the blonde ran frantically around the room, trying to find clean clothes. So cute. Seeing that there was no way she was getting back to sleep, she dragged herself out of bed and wandered over to the flustered slayer. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she kissed her neck tenderly. "It's cool, B. It's not that late," she murmured.
"It is." Buffy said, calming down in spite of herself as she felt the closeness of the other slayer. "You promised me you wouldn't let me sleep," she said, her voice almost breaking.
Slightly confused at the emotion in Buffy's voice, Faith shrugged. "You were just so... peaceful." She murmured, kissing her soft flesh again, surprised as Buffy turned in her arms and wrapped her hands in her dark hair, pulling her towards her and kissing her desperately.
It took a moment for Buffy to pull away and remember why she had left the bed in the first place. "I've got so much to do." She said with difficulty, as Faith's dark eyes burned into her, filled with desire. "Wait for me." The blonde breathed. "I won't be long."
Faith nodded. "You want me to watch Dawn?"
Buffy looked at her for a moment before shaking her head slowly. "She needs... I need her to come with me." She muttered, turning back to her search.
Shrugging, Faith trailed her fingers over her back. "I'm taking a shower, OK?"
Buffy stood up and pulled her close once more. "Yes. It's OK." She whispered, looking in Faith's eyes before kissing her passionately again, her arms wrapped around her neck. They stood like that for a moment, before Buffy once again pulled away and looked expectantly at the other slayer. "Go. Hurry. I won't be long."
Utterly bewildered, Faith nodded and headed to the bathroom.
She felt the warm water wash over her body and closed her eyes, forgetting the oddness of their conversation. Every nerve was still burning with Buffy's touch. Every touch. Making love... god that was new... those touches that were given, received, just for the hell of it, those nights she spent wrapped in her arms. Everything emblazoned on her memory. It was all new.
It had never been like this. Every dream, every wish, every thought Faith had ever had of the other slayer had never compared, never even come close to what she felt. Love. An emotion she had dreamed of feeling, an emotion she had almost given up hope of experiencing, and it was finally here.
She ran her hands through her hair and thought of her. She slid her hands over her body and thought of her. It was all her. It always would be. And god, she adored that feeling.
She took her time, feeling the feeling of being alone, even loving that pain that came with the thought of their distance. Every sense was heightened with the feeling of happiness, trust, love, and the fear that it would one day end. But even that... it all felt so good. It all felt like she was finally alive.
Flicking off the shower, she stepped out and felt a chill run through her body as a breeze hit her wet skin. And even that felt good.
She towelled herself off, and pulled on a change of clothes, their crisp cleanness new against her skin. And that felt good too.
Faith grinned to herself and stepped in front of the mirror, running her hands over her face and examining every part of her skin. Everything felt different. It was... it was weird.
But even that... well that, felt pretty damn good too.
Faith wandered back into Buffy's room and wondered just how different it all was. Faith the Vampire Slayer. In love for the first time... and she guessed, for the only time in her life. And not only that, but the one she loved... she loved her too. How fucking weird is that? She giggled to herself as she felt happiness wash over her again, before stopping suddenly. Faith does not giggle. Faith chuckles. Faith laughs deep in her throat. Faith smirks. Faith does not giggle.
But she couldn't help it.
She giggled at the strangeness of her thoughts.
She giggled again at the sound of the giggle.
She giggled some more at the feeling in her heart.
God, this was all so fucking weird!
The urge to run around and scream and yell and dance at the throbbing delight of the whole situation almost overcame her. But she took a deep breath and calmed down. Being cool was starting to become an effort. She giggled at that thought.
Oh man...
An hour or so later, Faith turned off the TV. She sat slumped on the couch and let her eyes wander around the room, feeling the strangeness of everything again. The last time she had been here... the fight they had had, the terror she had imposed on Joyce... the look in Buffy's eyes. Pain. Betrayal. And mostly... the last glimmer of hope burning out as they had... no, as she had stolen her life. They hadn't even talked about it.
Maybe it was best left in the past, but somehow, it felt unfinished. Today, she needed to apologise. Her eyes rested on the door, waiting as always for the arrival of the other slayer. But nothing. Checking her watch, she stood and headed to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards, the fridge, and then stopping and thinking.
Faith was once a badass. At least, she liked to think so. Through her memories of the past, through her desire to change, something stirred in her soul, and she smirked. It wasn't totally bad, right?
She wandered through the house, poking her nose around doors, opening and shutting drawers, looking. Nosing. Maybe it was wrong, but hell. It was interesting.
She made her way up to Buffy's room and tentatively walked over to her dresser. Photos. Dawn, her mother, the Scoobs. She picked up a photo of Buffy, Xander and Willow and ran her fingers over the glass. That was a different world. A different Buffy. She suddenly felt guilty again. The innocence that was in those eyes was gone, and Faith? Well, a big part of that was her fault.
She was about to open another drawer when she stopped and sighed to herself. No point in taking any more, right?
She almost dropped the photo as the phone rang. Placing it carefully back on the wooden surface, she turned and ran down the stairs, getting to the phone and stopping. She looked at it warily as it continued ringing.
Reaching a hand out slowly, terrified that it would be a Scooby, she picked it up and choked out a quiet "hello?"
She was surprised at the voice on the end of the phone.
"Hey, Faith."
"Cordy." Faith grinned, relief surpassing the awkwardness she had felt the last couple of times they had spoken. "How's it going?"
"Good." The seer replied. "I wanted to tell you something."
Uh oh. "Yeah?"
A deep breath was clearly audible down the phone. "I love you."
"Cordy-"
"No, wait." Another breath. "You're my best friend. I want, more than anything, for you to be happy."
Faith nodded and leaned against the wall. "I am." She said, wondering where this was going.
"I know. And I don't want to stand in the way of that." She added, her carefully prepared speech going out the window as she spoke. "God... Buffy means happiness." She shrugged. "I just want you to know... that I'm happy for you."
Faith paused. "Thanks."
"No problem." The seer chuckled and changed the subject. "I think Fred has a crush on me."
"What?! Really?!" Faith's voice raised a few notches in astonishment. "You're fucking kidding! I thought Gunn had a thing for you..."
"Yeah, maybe." Cordelia grinned. "But I'd never say no to a threesome."
"Cordy!" Faith gasped, unsure whether she was joking or not, before collapsing in laughter. "I never would have thought."
"No, neither did they."
A second passed before both girls started laughing again. "You gotta tell me!" Faith shouted. "God!"
Her laughter dying down, Cordelia hesitated again. "I will, just... when you get home. Faith, I mean it. I love you, whatever happens."
"Me too." Faith replied, a smirk still on her lips. "I won't be long, I promise."
Cordelia nodded, pleased that she had resolved the tension between them. "Later."
"Yeah, later." Faith hung up the phone and grinned, feeling much the same feeling as Cordelia had. Joke or no joke, they were OK again. She was about to walk away when the phone rang again. "Yeah Cordy?"
"Faith?" Dawn asked uncertainly.
Faith snapped out of her grin at the sound of the youngest Summers. "Yeah?"
"Bitch!"
Faith jumped, shocked to hear the word, and the venom in the girl's voice. "Huh?"
"It's all your fault!" She screamed down the phone. "I'm locked up here and all she can say is "Be brave" while she runs off to be with you! You!" She spat.
"Dawn, I-"
"Murderer!" She yelled, over and over. Faith heard Willow's voice in the background as Dawn sobbed the word down the phone, repeatedly voicing the one thing Faith hated most about herself, the one thing she knew she would never escape.
"Faith?" Willow's voice was cold, but calm.
Speechless, Faith stared at the phone.
"Faith?!"
"Uh... yeah?" She said with difficulty. "What... I mean..."
Willow was quiet for a moment, choosing her words carefully. "Buffy's on her way, she's left Dawn with Tara and I."
"OK." She replied, still shocked.
"Don't... she's just angry at being left here." The redhead said firmly. "Don't..." She paused again, controlling her voice. "Don't pay attention."
Faith nodded slightly. "Right... but... I'm-"
"Bye." The phone was replaced with more of a slam than a click. Faith just stood there staring, the old self loathing washing over her. That was how Buffy found her a minute later.
"Dawn?"
"I-"
Buffy sighed and walked towards her, wrapping her in her arms. "I told her not to call." She kissed her gently. "You OK?"
Faith shrugged. "She's right." She said calmly. "I am a murderer."
"Faith-"
"No." She looked Buffy in the eye. "I am."
Buffy hugged her. "It's in the past. You paid."
"Did I?" Faith looked at her, her eyes wide and threatening to spill her tears.
"Yes." She said. "You've paid for too long already."
Wanting with all her heart to believe her, Faith pressed into Buffy tightly. "I wish-"
"Shh..." Buffy kissed her again. "Faith, this is very important." She met the younger slayer's eyes seriously. "You're not being punished. That's over, whatever happens, you've served your time."
"I-"
"It's done." Buffy said firmly. "It's done, and I love you. That's all that matters."
Faith smiled weakly at the blonde, hoping with all her soul that she was right. "Yes. That's all." She said, kissing her softly with an aching need of comfort. "That's all... Buffy?"
"Yes?"
"I need to say it." Faith met her eyes once more. "I'm sorry. It doesn't sound enough, I know, but I'm so fucking sorry."
"I know." Buffy said, hugging her again and wondering what would make her believe her. "Thank you." She said after a minute. "Thank you for telling me."
Faith stepped back and looked at her. "No." She said, a gentle smile forming on her lips. "Thank you."
Smiling back at her, Buffy took her hand and glanced at her watch. "3pm." She said softly.
"You want to do something, right?" Faith guessed, pushing away the darkness that had threatened to envelop her. Buffy wanted her. Buffy loved her. "Where do you want to go?"
Buffy kissed her gently. "Right now, everything I want to do is here." She said, her eyes flashing as she looked at her. Smiling, she took her hand and led Faith back upstairs to her room.
Passion was never even a question when it came to their love making, but when they stepped inside Buffy's room that afternoon, their touches were different. Heat, desire, there as always, but something else too. Reassurance, comfort, the blatant need to be in each other's arms. There was a desperateness that both girls felt as they slid against each other, a desperateness they felt for different reasons.
As Faith worked her way down Buffy's body, the blonde's hands never left her skin. When she was about to reach her tongue to her centre, the older slayer pulled her back up and shook her head softly. "No." She whispered. "Here."
Faith nodded, her tongue sliding between her lips as their fingers claimed each other, their bodies pressing almost impossibly close as they moved together. Oxygen became irrelevant as they gasped and panted against each other, their tongues never leaving each other's mouths. Their heads swimming with each other's taste and smell and touch, they climaxed with every available inch of skin pressed together.
When they found they could think again, their lips parted contact in weak smiles from each girl. Smiles that stood on the edge of tears. Why?
Happiness.
Trust.
Love.
The fear that it would one day end.
And because it all felt like they were finally alive.
PART 13
Author's Notes: Did Buffy ever get her driver's licence? Hmm... let's pretend she did... I think I better credit Fried Green Tomatoes, cause the story thing at the end is inspired by that.
Dedication: To my lovely Marlboro Lights. *sniff* I couldn't do this without you...
(Today)
I keep expecting hate to engulf me. But it never does.
I should hate them both for the tragedy they caused, whether they knew what they were doing or not. But like love, hate never comes when you expect it, it doesn't follow rules or patterns, it doesn't understand logic. What she did seemed selfish. She thought only of herself. She hurts Faith, she hurts my friends, she hurts me.
But I can find no anger. It was her time, her choice, and no matter how much pain it caused, I know she did the right thing. I know in my heart that it was all worth it.
I just hope that someday, Faith will understand that.
(Yesterday)
Buffy's arms pulled Faith tighter to her as she gasped out her name for possibly the millionth time that night. Her breathing still shallow, she kissed her softly and rested her head back on the pillow as Faith nuzzled her neck.
"What time is it?" Buffy asked, her voice calm.
"Just gone midnight."
She sighed quietly. "Can you drive?"
"Yeah." Faith murmured, confused by the suddenness of the question. "Well... not officially, but yeah."
The blonde couldn't help but smile. Of course.
"You wanna go someplace?"
Buffy nodded. "There's something I want to show you." She bent her head and kissed her again. "But just... five more minutes."
"Sure, B." The younger slayer whispered back. Faith's fingers wandered over the blonde's stomach, tracing the lines of her muscles softly, mesmerised by her perfection. The silence in the room hung over them like a warm blanket, lulling them closer and closer to sleep as they lay in the comfort of each other's arms, every problem forgotten for now.
Buffy closed her eyes slightly, exhausted by the events of the evening, both physical and emotional. But she willed herself awake, knowing that sleep would come soon. All too soon.
As the seconds ticked away, the blonde's eyes fell onto her clock. With great reluctance, she pulled Faith up against her and kissed her again, slowly running her fingers over her skin, and memorising her taste.
"We better go." She said quietly.
Faith shrugged, inwardly pouting at having to leave. "OK." A second passed where they looked at each other before kissing again, and sitting up. "Now?" She asked.
Buffy smiled softly. "Yeah." She whispered. "Now."
Faith's black boots rested on the dashboard as she looked out the window. "I thought you wanted me to drive." She muttered.
Buffy glanced at her, shrugging. "You can drive on the way back."
"Whatever." Faith said, leaning back and closing her eyes. "Where we going, anyway?"
"Lake."
Faith looked over at her. "Where?" She asked.
Shaking her head, Buffy didn't answer, instead keeping her thoughts on the road.
Faith sighed and resumed gazing out the window. As the time passed, her hand strayed to the blonde's thigh, stroking her absentmindedly through her pant leg. She could never be close enough. At the back of Faith's mind, there was still that voice, that voice that told her she didn't deserve this. That voice that told her she would regret believing she did.
Her eyes rested on Buffy, her heart beating wildly in her chest. That always happened. It took a glance, a smile, or simply the sound of her breathing to send her soul on fire. Scary.
She never would have let go for anyone else. She never would have opened up. She never would have believed. But she had, and she did. Because it was Buffy.
The blonde looked over at her, catching her eye and smiling. A smile that held so much, and yet gave nothing away. Faith watched her as she turned back to the road, and shook her head. Scary, all right.
Faith woke up to Buffy shaking her softly. "We're here." She whispered, feeling slightly guilty that she'd dragged Faith out of the house. Couldn't be helped...
The brunette stretched and yawned loudly. She looked at Buffy who was watching her with a weird expression on her face, and kissed her. "Cool." She said, enthusiastically, "Let's go!"
Buffy smiled at her and nodded. "Let's."
Faith's boots hit some loose stones and she promptly fell over. "Oh." She grinned. "We're 'here' here."
Giggling in spite of herself, Buffy took her hand, a blanket in the other, and the two slayers headed towards the water. It was a tiny pool of water really, nestled in some hills just above the town. But it felt miles from anywhere. They spread out the blanket and sat down, Buffy huddled between Faith's legs and leaning back on her. "You like?" She asked, motioning to their surroundings.
Faith looked up at the sky and gazed at the stars, much clearer than they were in Sunnydale. "Yeah." She said softly, turning her gaze to the lake, her eyes a mirror of the dark water. "I like. I didn't even know this was here."
"You just have to look for these things." Buffy whispered. The moonlight danced on the stillness in front of them, a gentle breeze playing with their hair, still warm though the night would soon become morning.
"B?" Faith asked. "You ever done it..." She giggled, realising they themselves had done 'it' outside. She paused as Buffy looked at her, turning in her arms. "You ever done it out here?"
"It?" Buffy smiled. "Toasted marshmallows? Sang songs?"
Faith raised an eyebrow at her and stuck out her tongue. "Made love..." She whispered into her ear.
"Oh *that*" Buffy replied, smiling at her and wondering why the hell her heart felt so goddamn light. "No... I've never been here with anyone else." She turned and kissed the brunette, pushing her body against hers until she was lying stretched out on top of her. "I never wanted to share it with anyone. Not until now." She leaned towards her and brushed her lips against Faith's. "Not until you."
Her tongue slid into her mouth, sliding their clothing away desperately until their skin was once more connected, pushing against each other tightly. Buffy whimpered against her lover as Faith's fingers massaged her breasts, her mouth sucking gently on her neck, her thigh nudging between her own.
Slowly, slowly, they moved against each other in the night air, committing to memory every inch of each other's bodies. Tongues and fingers brushed and slid and caressed until they were locked together in the most intimate of embraces. An intimacy they had never known before, despite the openness of their surroundings. Neither girl wanting to let the moment end, they made love until sunrise, climaxing and starting again immediately, their desire for each other's touch seemingly infinite.
As the sun rose in the sky and sunlight washed over their bodies, Buffy trailed her fingers once more over Faith's familiar skin. "I have to tell you something." She murmured. "And it has to be now."
Breathless and nodding, Faith pulled Buffy up and kissed her again, searching blindly behind her for their clothes. Smiling weakly, Buffy reached past her and handed them to her. They pulled on their clothing and kissed deeply again.
"It's 7.30." Faith said suddenly, anticipating Buffy's question.
Buffy nodded and settled back into Faith's arms, leaning against her and watching the sun glisten on the water, the lake becoming a mirror again, but this time for Buffy as tears shone in her eyes.
Buffy entwined her fingers with Faith's, and tried to find the words. "I made a choice." She said slowly, gripping her hands harder. "A choice I tried not to make... god..." Buffy blinked back tears and felt Faith hug her tighter, reassuring her. "I treated you so badly! I had to... I thought I had to..."
"It cool, B." Faith said, concerned at by the blonde's words. "It's in the past, right?"
Buffy gulped and shook her head. "No, it's now." She turned her head and stroked the dark slayer's hair with her fingers, suppressing the urge to cry. "I wanted you to hate me." She gulped. "I wanted you to hate me, because I couldn't hate you."
"B-"
"No! Let me tell you." Buffy said, leaning back into her again, unable to stop her emotions as she gazed at Faith. "I tried so hard, just so I wouldn't have to choose. God... I didn't even believe at first that you loved me, so I treated you worse, just to make damn sure that you couldn't. But it didn't work." Tears began to free themselves, falling down her cheeks as she felt Faith's lips kissing her hair. "You wouldn't. No matter what I did! You wouldn't, and I couldn't." She murmured through her tears. "I made a choice. I couldn't help it. I fell in love with you."
"Good thing." Faith said.
Buffy choked out a laugh. "Yes." She said. "And I don't regret it. The last few days were everything I was promised. Happiness, love. Everything." She gripped Faith's hands again. "Faith... I don't regret it, you have to know that. I just wish... I just wish you didn't have to be hurt. I love you so much, and it's my fault. All the pain you're going to feel..."
Faith swore her heart stopped beating for a second. "It's over, though." She said desperately, tears falling from her own eyes as the realisation of what Buffy was saying hit her. "Right, B?"
Shaking with tears, Buffy turned to her again. "Yes, it's over, but not how you think. I love you, I'll never stop loving you..." Gulping, she knelt in front of Faith and took her face in her hands. "I made a choice. A year ago." She said, brushing away Faith's tears with her fingers as her own continued to run down her cheeks. "Life... or you. Three days of happiness with you. All I had to do to make that choice," she whispered, choking on her emotions, "was to fall in love."
Faith froze, staring at the blonde. "No..."
Nodding, Buffy closed her eyes. "8am. The same time I told you I loved you."
Faith grabbed Buffy's wrist and looked at the watch she was wearing. "Fifteen fucking minutes?!" She shrieked. "No! You can't!"
"Please-"
"Don't love me!" Faith screamed at her, her face soaked with tears. "Hate me! HATE ME!"
"Faith!" Buffy sobbed, hugging her tightly. "Don't! Please..."
"Buffy..." Faith held her tightly, as if she could keep her forever just by not letting go. "Please don't leave me." She wailed. "Please don't..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." The blonde buried her face in her neck and repeated the words over and over, regretting nothing but the pain her lover felt. "I love you so much..."
Faith pulled her up and looked into her eyes, wet with tears. "You should have hated me, B." She cried. "I wasn't worth it."
Buffy shook her head. "You were worth everything." She murmured. "You have to know that."
Sobbing, Faith nodded slowly. "So were you." Their lips met one last time before Buffy pulled back and turned, pulling Faith's arms around her.
"Tell me something... I want to hear your voice."
Gulping, forcing back her tears, Faith nodded, but found her mind blank.
"Tell me about when we first met."
Faith's right hand lay over the blonde's heart as her left clutched her hands. "I came looking for you." She said, remembering. "I did everything I could to make you like me. Everything but ask for your help." She kissed her hair softly, raining more tears down. "I couldn't ask you, but... but you helped me anyway... god..." She shook her head and gulped. "You helped me kill him, the one who I was so afraid of. And I thought... I thought... oh god..." She sobbed out again and she felt Buffy heart slowing under her fingers. "I thought it was my hardest kill. But I didn't know... I didn't know about this..." she cried.
As she felt Buffy's heart stop, Faith wailed.
She hugged her to her with every ounce of her strength as she howled out, a howl filled with the pain of loss. A howl that the residents of Sunnydale would attribute to a werewolf, despite the sunlight. A howl so primal that it seemed it could only come from a beast.
But it didn't. The howl that descended on the town that morning didn't come from a beast, or a monster, or a demon.
It just came from a heartbroken girl.
EPILOGUE
(Today)
I pieced the story together from a phone call from Giles, telling me what little information Buffy had told them all yesterday, and the few words Faith managed to say through her constant tears. She drove to his house and left her there, running back to LA as soon as she could, running back to the place she is loved.
She is lying next to me, curled up, refusing to sleep despite her exhaustion. Sleep seems like bliss when consciousness is Hell, but I know why she holds back from it. Tomorrow she will wake, and before she realises, she will search for Buffy by her side. When she doesn't find her, a new wave of grief will begin.
Everywhere I look, I see my friends pain. Grief for Buffy, grief for each other. Cordelia has cried all day, wanting nothing more to comfort Faith, and not being able to because she won't allow anyone near her. Anyone but me.
I understand. Guilt comes with seeing Cordelia, memories with Wesley, embarrassment with Fred and Gunn. But with me, there is understanding.
We walk the same road, we love the same girl. She will stay here, clinging to me as I cling to her, seeing Buffy in each other's eyes.
Despite the pain, I believe Buffy made the right choice. She chose a few days of love over a lifetime without. And now it is up to us.
Up to us to help Faith understand that, and in time... in time... she will.
She has to.
(One year ago)
Buffy opened her eyes to a blinding white light. Standing groggily, she looked around the room, her eyes finally resting on a person dressed in black. Squinting, she tried to make out the oddly familiar figure sitting in a chair with their feet resting on a table.
"So this is your idea of heaven?" The figure asked, swinging their legs down and turning to face her. "I gotta say, B, pretty average. Thought you might come up with something a bit more original."
Buffy moved closer to the figure, her eyes becoming accustomed to the brightness. "Faith?"
"Got in one, sweetie." She grinned.
"But... this is heaven? You're not dead... are you?"
Faith chuckled and stood up, lighting a cigarette. "Heaven all right." Her eyes drifted over Buffy's body, making her blush. "But no, I'm not dead." She took a drag off her cigarette and walked towards her. "I'll let you in on a secret." She whispered conspiratorially. "I'm not real."
Buffy frowned at her. "Huh?"
"I gotta say I'm flattered, B." Faith grinned. "I thought you'd pick... uh... Tara? Y'know, like the last time you needed a messenger."
Buffy just stared at her, not understanding what she was talking about. "I didn't know you smoked." She said suddenly.
"I don't." Faith shrugged. "But it looks like you think I should. Hey!" Faith looked down at her body, which was now clad in hospital robes. "You feelin' some guilt there, B?"
"You're... however I imagine you?"
"Give the girl a prize." Faith snorted. "But I gotta say, I liked the leather more."
Buffy grinned at her suddenly, and Faith was instantly wearing a red cheerleader outfit.
"Haha." She said sarcastically. "Me as a cheerleader? C'mon! I think we're supposed to be serious."
"Sorry." Buffy giggled as leather wearing Faith reappeared.
"That's better." Faith stubbed out her cigarette and turned back to Buffy. "Now... why the fuck are you here?"
Dawn. Portal. Yes... it was coming back. Buffy nodded to herself. "I saved Dawn."
"Yeah, but you weren't supposed to. Shit, B. When you gonna give up the self-sacrificing stuff?"
Buffy shrugged. "She's my sister."
"Whatever. Point is, you're getting another chance."
"I am?" Buffy gasped, unsure whether that was something to be happy about.
"Yeah, save the world a couple of hundred times and the PTB feel they gotta hand out awards." Faith walked towards her slowly, and placed a hand gently on the blonde's arm. "Thing is... you've got a choice."
Buffy looked at her hand on her arm, and then back up to the brunette's face, amazed at how innocent her eyes suddenly looked. "I do?"
"You gotta be honest for this to work." Faith smiled gently. "Were you happy?"
"I was." Buffy replied, before adding: "a long time ago."
Faith was nodding encouragingly at her. "When was the last time?"
Buffy paused. "Angel." She said. "When we... y'know."
"Fucked like rabbits? Right, B. Honest."
She sighed, and thought hard. She had been happy with Angel, that was true, but pure, free, passionate, ecstatic happiness? She turned her eyes back to the slayer, who was now wearing white and not looking happy about it. "I don't know."
Faith sighed. "Yeah, you do. You don't have to tell me." She shrugged, "but you know. Now, back in black?" She nodded contentedly as her leather reappeared. "Happiness isn't easy to come by." She shrugged. "You know in your heart what you wanted, and it's your choice whether you take it or not."
Buffy shifted from foot to foot as she watched the slayer and remembered their time together. The time before they fought.
"All you have to do, is accept it." Faith grinned. "Let yourself fall in love, and you'll get your happiness." She reached out and touched her hair softly. "Or live a long life without it. It's up to you."
Buffy sighed and nodded. "I won't fall for y- them."
"Up to you." The brunette shrugged. "Good luck." Buffy sighed and closed her eyes as the room started to fade. "B?" Faith called out.
"Yeah?"
"Since I look so good with one, can you give me another cig?"
Buffy couldn't help but smile as she nodded and Faith lit up and the room turned black.
As she disappeared, Faith sat back and sighed into the dark. "Be seeing you." She whispered softly. "Real soon."
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