"Baby, no. Not that, this."

Buffy is holdin' up something she wants me to wear for the costume party. I'm holdin' up something else.

"But why can't I wear this?" I ask her. I already know the answer.

"Because we're not going as The Sultan and his Harem of Women, Faith. There's just one girl and I'm her."

"But baby, look how hot you'd look in this outfit. All that sheer fabric and sexy coins and scarves. Come on, B, you can be my first wife."

"I'm your only wife, Faith, and don't you forget it."

She takes the Sultan's outfit from my hands and puts it back.

I still have the sheer fabricky one in my hands. I finger the coins. Yeah, okay.

But we will play Sultan at some point. She can be all of my wives. There are lots of costumes to put her hot little bod in.

"Put it back, Faith. NOW."

Or not.

I sigh and put it back. Party pooper.

She picks up a few more things and takes me by the hand. I pick up another object and she puts it back.

"No."

"But-" She cuts me off.

"No."

She's been takin' lessons from Cordy.

We pay up and head back to the PT Cruiser. She's still driving and will not give back the keys. I need to talk to Ronald about that. Maybe my baby needs a car of her own.

We put the stuff in the rear compartment, making sure it doesn't lay on top of the sand back there.

Ronald.

Ronald and his little surfer boys with big 'sticks'.

"Did you check out the rack on her?" I ask Buffy.

Buffy looks across the street.

"It's alright, but I like yours better," she says.

I crack up.

"No, B. The rack on the Cruiser. Geez, B, checkin' out other chicks...how come I always get in trouble for that?"

"Cuz you're you and I'm me."

Buffy logic.

She's got a lot of double standards.

Like when I cut one in the bathtub it's gross, but when she does it, it's a "Jacuzzi".

I shake my head at her.

"I don't know, B. Maybe we shoulda got that Sultan's costume afterall. Me and that honey could be in your harem."

"No thanks. Don't need a harem, got my hands full with you."

"And don't you forget it," I tell her, like she told me.

"No chance, baby. Now get your ass inside the car, we have a few more stops to make."

We weave in and out of traffic. Buffy flips off a chick that cuts her off.

"Buffy, there you go cheatin' on me again. Put that finger down."

"No baby, that would be this," And she holds up three fingers.

And then another.

Smart-ass.

"Where else do we have to go?" I ask her.

I'm horny now and I want a nap.

"Just a few more places, Faith."

"A few more?" I whine.

"Okay, a couple more."

"Okay," I answer, but really I mean NOT!

I lean my back against the passenger door and stare at her. She glances at me, then puts her eyes back on the road.

"Stop it," she says.

"Stop what?"

"Stop THAT."

"I'm not doin' anything."

"Yes you are, now stop it."

"What am I doin'?"

"You're looking at me."

"Moooom, Faith is LOOKING at me," I complain like a little kid.

"Quit it."

"Quit what?"

She ignores me.

I stare harder.

She still ignores me.

Okay.

I put myself back in the seat and stare forward out the windshield.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Nuthin'," I keep my eyes ahead of me.

She keeps glancing from the road to me.

"Faith."

Just starin' out the windshield.

"Faith." Just starin'.

"Faith!" I pull the lever and fall backwards with the seat. I'm starin' straight up at the headliner.

"Faith, you're freakin' me out."

She looks at me and shakes her head. Then she's got her eyes on the road again. And she leaves me like that, actin' like I'm not even there.

Eventually she pulls up into a parking lot and turns off the ignition.

She looks down at me and I'm still starin' at the headliner.

"Freak show," she says, then she gets out of the car.

I lie there waitin' for her to come back and get me.

But she doesn't. I wait and I wait. Five hundred years go by, and still no Buffy. And it's gettin' hot as hell. She closed all the windows and took the keys. No ac or nuthin'.

I'm tough, I can do it. I ain't openin' no god damn door.

I open the god damn door.

"Fuck!" I say, hangin' my head out.

I look over and I see Buffy's legs.

I move my eyes up and she's standin' there with a bag in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other.

"Peach," she says, "And it's really good."

"I want some."

"Nope, sorry. All mine."

"Give me some."

"No, sorry, can't do that."

I eyeball the cone.

"Don't make me take it from you."

"That's the only way you'll get it."

"Is that right?"

"Yep, that's right."

She slowly licks the cone where the ice cream dripped...then she licks the back of her finger.

She looks up at me from underneath her lashes.

Bitch!

I lunge out of the car and she takes off laughin'.

She starts giggling when I catch up and grab her around the waist. I wrap my arms tighter and lean in for a lick. She lets me.

Right before she shoves it in my face.

"That oughta cool you down. Can you wait on your mid-day hornies and finish shopping with me? I'm almost done."

"Okay," I know when I'm beat.

But she's gonna get it later.

She licks my lips and wipes the rest of my face with a napkin.

"Sticky," she says.

"Yes, I am."

"Later, Faith, come on."

So I let her take me by the hand and drag me to another shop.

Women.

You can't live with 'em, and you can't live with 'em. So whaddaya gonna do?

Fuck 'em, I say.

But that comes after shopping.

"F-Faith, you look really cute," says a smiling Tara.

"You really do, Faith," smiles Red.

"Are you both blind? She's fucking hot!" exclaims Cordelia.

I do look pretty good, if I say so myself.

I run my comb through my hair and let the cigarette dangle from my lips.

"You think?" I ask, turnin' my head so they can check out my profile.

"Hell yeah, Faith. If you were a guy, I'd have to rethink the whole gay thing," says Angel.

"Well, fuck you very much there, Angel," I strut around the lobby.

"Where's Buffy?" asks Tara.

"You mean Sandy," says Buffy from the top of the stairs.

Oooooooo weeeeeeeeeee!!!

I start singin'.

"I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, cause the power you're supplyin', it's ELECTRIFYIN'!"

I get on my back, jerkin' my arms and feet in the air.

Everyone laughs.

She starts walkin' down the stairs, singing back at me.

"You better shape up, cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you, you better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true."

I slide on my knees to meet her at the foot of the stairs.

"Nothing left, nothing left for me to do."

Everyone sings.

"You're the one that I want, ooo ooo ooo, HONEY!"

I look at Buffy and shake my head.

"Fuck, Sandy. Wheew!"

"You like?" she says, turning around.

She's got it down to a T.

Black off-the-shoulder top, black skin-tight spandex pants, red strap shoes on wood high heels and her hair is curly and wild.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

"Uh, yeah, baby. I LIKE."

"That's nice, Buffy, but look at Faith," Cordy says, still eyeballin' me.

"Oh, I am, Cordy, believe me."

I strut for her, bobbin' my head.

"That's right, that's right, who da man?"

I got it down to a T, too. T-bird, that is.

Black boots, black jeans, and a tight black T-shirt with my cigarettes rolled up in one sleeve. I take off my jacket and sling it over my shoulder. Carefully, cus I'm hidin' somethin'.

Oh, and my hair is GREASED back.

Get it? Heh heh.

"Well, Angel makes a dashing figure as well," Buffy says admiring him.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

But I'M the man that she wants. Uh, I mean, Wo-man. Duh.

"What are you going as?" Buffy asks Angel.

"No clue. Ronald left this in my room and he told me to glue on this moustache."

Oh, come on. He doesn't know?

I look at everyone's faces. What? No one knows?

I start crackin' up.

"What, Faith? Do you know?" asks Angel.

I look to the top of the stairs.

"Uh, yeah, and you will too." All eyes follow mine to the top of the staircase.

Where a very dramatic and very drag-queeny Ronald is standing. He has the back of one red velvet gloved hand to his forehead and the other one is fanning his face with some elaborate flicks of his wrist.

He's wearin' a red velvet dress with endless feathers and red and clear rhinestones. And his wig is incredible.

"I do declare, Rhett Butler, you do know how to give a lady the vapors."

Angel groans. We all laugh.

"Oh, come on, Angel. If I can do it, you can do it. Who cares what people think," I tell him.

"You're right, Danny," He walks to the foot of the stairs and waits for Ronald to come down. He holds out his arm and says:

"Frankly, my dears, I DON'T give a damn."

We laugh. Courtesy laughter. I mean, that line is as old as he is. But it's Angel. We like to give the old guy a break.

"Hey, T, Red, you sure you don't wanna come? We can give you directions. How about you, Cor?"

"No thanks, Faith. Tara and I are going to Little Frida's for a lesbian poetry reading. Then we're going to the Griffith park observatory to see the constellations."

"Well, I can see why you don't want to join us. With those sexy plans, who can blame you."

"Funny, Faith. And for your information, it is sexy. Me and my baby under the stars."

"Uh, okay, Red. Knock yourselves out. Watch out for that little dipper."

I look at Cordy.

"No, I have a date coming soon."

"I bet you do. But when will she be arriving?"

"Haha, cute, Faith," She makes a face at me. I'm funny tonight. I crack myself up.

And right then the little devil comes waltzing in.

More like storming in. She's pissed.

"Fuck, sorry, Cor, but this bitch of a ref said I was out for the count and I WASN'T."

She's brunette, on the short side, and has boxing gloves tied around her neck and some tape around her fingers.

And she reeks too.

At least to Buffy and me. We both make a stink face.

"Look, Cor, your date is already dressed. Hurry up and you can still join us. Just throw on that cat-suit you own."

"She's not dressed for the party, Faith, she just came back from a match at the gym. This is Rocky. Rocky, this is everyone."

"Hey, howya doin'?" She runs her finger under her nose and sniffs. Then she does a quick one-two with her fists in the air.

Rocky? Nah, more like Jake Lamotta...

The Raging Bull-Dyke.

"Hey Cor, you make me somethin' to eat, like I asked ya?"

"No, Rocky, I have something downstairs for you to eat."

"Oh yeah? Like room service or breakfast in bed?"

"Something like that."

"Cool, cuz I'm really hungry."

Cordy looks at her funny. I don't think Rocky gets it. Been knocked on the head a few too many times, I think.

Cordy can sure pick 'em.

"Ladies and gents, our carriage is waiting," says Scarlett, sweeping her dress off the ground.

"By all means, Scarlett, show me the way," declares her Rhett.

"Oh Angel, I'd love to."

"Let's switch partners," Angel says quickly, grabbin' for Buffy.

Ronald laughs and grabs Angel by the back of his collar.

"Oh no, big boy, tonight you're mine."

"Buffy..." Angel whines, as Ronald drags him off.

"This is gonna be some fun night, huh, baby?" I ask B.

"Very interesting, to say the least," she agrees.

We walk to the limo and watch Angel open the door for his date. I wonder what's gonna happen?

Angel and Ronald?

Naaah.

"Baby, it hurts," whimpers Buffy.

"What, B? Too big?" I breathe, panting in her ear.

"No...ow...the towel rack."

I break it off.

"Faith!"

"What? It was hurting you," I kiss her again, movin' my tongue inside her mouth and pressing her hard against the wall.

I reach into my pocket and set the switch to 'On'.

"Ohhh, ohhh...baby," Buffy moans.

I went packin' tonight.

I wore my new Julia Ann Deep Thrusting Harness with remote control. I slipped the control into the inside of my jacket pocket and ran the cord up the side of my shirt. I hid it when I wore the jacket and had it slung over my shoulder.

Buffy had no idea.

But she does now.

"Oooh, oooh, baby, what is that??" I feel it too.

It's vibrating the fuck outta my clit. I thrust harder, it thrusts with me.

It vibrates AND thrusts on its own.

Perfect for those lazy nights. Not that we have any, but we might now. This fuckin' thing rocks!

"It's a present from Julia Ann," I murmur. I thrust again.

I put my arms under Buffy's knees, lifting her off the ground. She slams her head back and I suck on her neck. I move my hips and fuck her as she moans my name.

"Oh Faith...oh Faith, that feels good."

She tightens her arms around my shoulders and bends her head to kiss me. I tongue her up and she pulls at my hair.

I pull myself back and whisper in her ear:

"Yeah, baby? You like that? You like me fuckin' you in a public bathroom?"

She groans a 'yes'.

The party is in a warehouse downtown and it isn't far from Angel's. We found a bathroom on the other side of the building and took advantage of it.

Or I did, at least. Buffy really had to go to the bathroom.

She was washin' her hands when I got up behind her. I had the dick stickin' out of my fly and started rubbin' the crack of her ass with it. She looked at me in the mirror and said:

"Danny, is that you?"

"Yeah, Sandy. Only five inches of me, but watch what I can do with it."

Our toys are usually bigger. But like I mentioned, this one has some special features. It more than made up for its lack in length.

She had watched me as I rubbed the dick between her ass cheeks. The spandex was hot to look at, but annoyingly tight in this regard.

I could hardly slip it in there.

I bent my knees and thrusted forward. It slipped from her ass groove to her pussy and fit real nice between her thighs. She parted them a little.

"Here, Faith?" she asked my reflection.

"Yeah," I grunted in her ear. I started movin' my hips, causing more friction between her legs.

"Kiss me," she said, and she turned her face so I could.

"Yeah?" I said, asking for permission.

"Yeah," she replied.

I undid her buckle and then pulled down her pants. It was tight, but I managed just fine. I placed her hands on the sink and then pulled her back a little. She watched me in the mirror as I spit into my hand and rubbed it on the dick.

She shuddered.

I ran my fingers up her slit, spreading her open and spreading her moisture around. No lube, just her and my spit. I didn't want to hurt her.

I played with her clit for a moment and then slipped a finger inside her cunt. I moved it around and then stuck in another. I worked my fingers to open her up. When it gave a little, I slipped in another.

Buffy is as tight as a stubborn virgin on her wedding night.

If you didn't work her right, nuthin' was gettin in.

"Oh god, baby, that feels so nice. I can feel each of your knuckles inside me."

Now that's tight.

I took my fingers out and sucked on them; I spit in my hand again and rubbed it over her snatch.

"Put it in, baby," she breathed. Her head was down and she was breathin' in shallow gasps. It sounded so fuckin' sexy.

I bent my knees more and put the head of the dick to her hole. She pushed back and I shoved it inside of her. All five inches slid right in. I did a good job of opening her up.

"Oh god," she gasped louder.

Oh god, is right. But I told her:

"Yeah baby, but you can call me Faith."

I began thrusting myself hard into her. I reached around and grabbed her breasts and started massaging them roughly. She reached behind me and pulled my ass tighter to her.

She said:

"Pinch my nipples, baby...hard."

I pinched her nipples and she let out a small groan. Or a scream, I'm not sure, but it made me nuts.

"Buffy...look at me. Look at me in the mirror," I panted.

She did, and we kept eye contact while I fucked her and pinched on her nipples.

"You like that? You like gettin' fucked like a common tramp in a dirty warehouse?"

I said tramp, but I still didn't know if I went too far.

Buffy's not too keen on name calling.

Trust me, I know.

I've done it before, and let's just say she has ways of makin' you wish your tongue was someplace else.

Like back inside your mouth and not between her death-grip fingers.

She said:

"Shut up and fuck me, you worthless dick."

Well, alright then. Wheew.

I let go of her nipples and slid my hand to her pussy. I fingered her clit and she rocked back and forth against me.

I wanted something too, so I decided to turn on the juice.

"Come here," I said.

I slid myself out of her and pushed her against the wall. I shoved the dick back inside.

"Baby, it hurts."

That's when I tore the rack off the wall. And that's when I switched on the remote.

I decided to talk nasty again, but with no name calling. She is my baby, so baby was just fine.

No need to push my luck.

"Yeah, baby? You like that? You like me fuckin' you in a public bathroom?"

And she had groaned out a 'yes'.

"Your cunt feels nice and tight on my dick, baby, do you feel me? Do you feel me fucking your hot hole?"

"Yes," she breathes in my ear.

"Good. Now play with my nipples."

She reaches in between us and grabs hold with both hands. She rubs and then twists them.

"Oh fuck, Buffy...ride me," I groan.

I carry us over to the toilet seat. It has a lid, so I close it. I sit down on it and lean back against the tank.

I let the dick and Buffy do the work.

She plants both feet on the floor and raises herself off of the dick and then slides back down on it. The look on her face is sexy and raw, and she starts movin' at a faster pace. I hold onto her hips as I feel the dick's vibration and her thrusting hit against my clit. I know the length of the dick is vibrating against hers too.

It's a wonder dick.

I reach up and pull on her nipples, she reaches over and does the same to me.

"Rub the tips, baby," she breathes.

I do, and she starts to tremble.

"Almost, baby?" I groan. I'm barely holdin' on.

"All...most," She gets out. She better hurry, cuz I'm comin' soon.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, OH GOD," she says suddenly.

That's it. I'm done for.

She throws her head back and grips onto my thighs. I can feel the orgasm rip through her and it takes me with her.

"Oh shit, Buffy!"

I hold onto her wrists and hit my head against the tank. The vibrating and thrusting dick just keeps movin' and it takes us both over the edge again.

"Oh my God!" We both yell.

It keeps goin' and we go again! Buffy yells at me.

"Baby, oh my god, stop it!"

"I'm not doin' it," I groan loudly.

"Turn it off...oh god, turn it off..." She collapses against my chest and is almost sobbing.

I can't reach the inside of my jacket.

"Baby...I...can't get...to it."

The fuckin' thing keeps goin'.

Buffy finally manages to lift her limp body from the dick and it sticks straight up, vibrating and thrusting into the air.

It would have been funny if it didn't make me come again.

"Oh shit...oh god...Buffy??" I beg her.

But she just stands there, bent over, hands on her knees, tryin' to catch her breath.

I force myself to reach into my jacket and rip the remote from my pocket. The batteries fly out and the dick finally stops. I jerk a bit and then lie still. I'm sprawled against the seat and tank and I must look like a Boy's Town tramp.

The only thing missing was the glory hole.

"Was...that...your...surprise?" Buffy asks panting.

"Mmm...hmmm."

"Did Tara...get one?"

Oh god, she did.

And we both laugh.

Sorta.

We still don't have much air in our lungs.

But we're laughin' on the inside.

Red wasn't kidding.

Both she and Tara were gonna see some real BIG stars tonight.

"Angel, sweetheart, come here."

"I'm busy, Ronald," is his reply.

Angel was holdin' court in a corner. He has a bevy of 'beauties' surrounding him. He was eatin' it up.

Ronald sighs.

"I suppose I knew this would happen."

"What, Scarlett?"

"Well, I was supposed to be the belle of the ball, but Angel stole all of my thunder."

We three look over at Angel, who does appear to be enjoying himself. We watch as he throws back his head and roars with laughter.

"And that cunt of a Jackson thinks Angel is gay. Good, let him. The bitch."

Oh, that drag queen holdin' onto Angel's arm must be Jackson. He's the host/hostess of the party. He's dressed as Marilyn Monroe too.

Half of him.

The other half is dressed like Marilyn Manson.

Really creepy looking.

"Well, don't be too surprised, Ronnie. Except for Buffy here, Angel is attracted to dead things, ya know."

"And Jackson pretty much has both sides covered," adds B.

"Well, that's okay. Angel will soon be bored with the Marilyns. Even if Angel decided to walk on the wild side, Jackson is not the perfect choice. Unless he likes his dates dead in the sack as well, and as motivated as a corpse."

"Experience talkin' there, Ronnie?"

"If you can call it that. It was more of a quick study on how to have sex with a lump of flesh. And a really boring lump of flesh at that."

"Sounds really sexy, Ronald. Does he have a sister?" I joke.

"Oh my god, Faith. Are you horny again?" Buffy asks.

Like she had to. Come on, it's me she's talkin' to. Duh.

"Only for you, baby. WithOUT the dick."

"Honey, without a dick there is no sex," says Ronald.

"You'd be surprised there, muffin. In fact-" He cuts me off.

"No, no, I believe you. No details, PU-LEASE." He holds up a gloved hand.

"Pussy," I tease him.

"Oh god, Buffy, control your woman."

"Behave yourself, Faith. Ronald has a delicate constitution."

He starts fanning himself to make Buffy's point.

"I was only callin' him one, B, not tellin' him about what I was gettin' in the bathroom earlier."

"Oh dear lord, which bathroom? I don't want to wander in there and find snail trails all over the place," He shudders.

"You mean like this?" I hold up my hand.

I'm kiddin' cus I did wash it, you know. I'm not that uncouth.

"Or this?" asks Buffy, holdin' up my other hand.

Oh, okay. Maybe I am. Just a little.

"Angel!" Ronald shouts, runnin' across the room.

"He's funny," Buffy says holdin' my hand.

"You're sexy," I say squeezing it.

"I know you are, but what am I?" She moves in for a kiss.

"Hungry and horny, right, baby? Let's go see what they got to eat in this place."

"You read my mind, baby. Let's go look."

And we wander off to find some food.

Angel is groaning, holdin' an ice pack to his head.

Cordy is clicking a pen and drumming her lacquered fingernails against the counter.

He winces with each noise.

"Come on, Cordy. Have a heart already."

"Got one, thanks. How about you?"

"Clever, Cordy. Did Faith trek back into town and get you a brain afterall?"

"X-nay on the trek-nay, little buddy...in other words, xtrek, Angel. I never went. She just got lucky."

"I'll say," says Buffy, "She's been getting lucky a lot lately."

"No kidding. What is that buzzing noise coming from your room?" Angel asks.

Cordy stops drumming her fingers.

"None of your business," she says flatly.

Cordy stands up and looks Angel in the eye. She lifts a large Demonolgy book and slams it down hard on the desk. Then she storms off. Still with the dramatic exits. Goof.

"Oww. What did I say?" Angel holds the ice pack tighter to his head.

"Musta struck a nerve," I joke.

"Angel, what's with the ice pack?" Buffy asks.

"He's got a 'love hangover'," Ronald pipes up.

He was sittin' on the couch towel drying his hair. He was freshly showered, having just had a vigorous work-out at the gym.

He looks pumped, flushed, and very masculine.

"You're a good lookin' muffin, you know that, Ronald?" I say.

"Well, thank you, baby. You're not so bad yourself," he smiles.

I snap my fingers, "Now I know who you look like!"

"Let me guess," he drolls.

"Okay."

"Brandon Lee."

"Yes!" Buffy exclaims with me. I guess she sees it too.

"Yeah, I know. I get that all the time. But he was Chinese-American, I'm Japanese-American."

"Whatever, Ronald, you're both hot!"

Angel peers over.

"Well, I'm glad SOMEONE thinks so," Ronald says, snubbing him.

"You shoulda gone as The Crow last night!" I tell him excitedly. I fuckin' love that comic. And the movie too.

"Honey, never again. I did it for two years straight and I promised myself I'd never do it again. All I got all night was cawing whenever I walked into a room. Who said all gay men were creative?" he sighs shakin' his head.

"Two years straight, Ronald? I thought you said there was nothing straight about you?" Angel tosses a funny.

Ronald ignores him.

"Anywaaaay. The reason Angel is 'hung-over' is because he let that bitch Jackson and his gaggle of fags fawn over him. They plied him with drinks all night, hoping to score."

"Did any of them get lucky?" B asks, kidding.

"The way Jackson tells it, they did."

"What?? That is so NOT true!" protests Angel.

"Talk to the finger," Ronald says, holding up his middle one.

"Ronald, it's not true! Why would you believe them??"

"Why wouldn't I?" He looks at Angel.

"Because they're all a bunch of liars. Surely you must know that?"

"I don't know, Angel. Jackson is pretty fierce in the sack and he has powers of persuasion, you know."

B and I look at Ronald. Dead-in-the-sack-and-as-motivated-as-a corpse Jackson?

He doesn't look at us. Then Angel says:

"I wouldn't know. And I don't care to know. He can be as fierce as you say he is, but he'd still be a jitterbug in a rug compared to you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ronald asks.

"That in the sack department, you'd probably step all over him."

"Well, too bad you'll never find out," Ronald huffs, then gets up to leave. He looks sideways at me and Buffy and winks.

Ahhhh. The old reverse psychology method. Classic.

Angel looks confused.

"That was supposed to be a compliment," he says quietly.

Ha! Fuckin' Ronald. Yeah, there's a bug alright. And it crawled right up Angel's ass. He may not be gay, but he definitely likes the fact that Ronald is.

And he wants Ronald to like him.

Poor Angel. He and Xander need to get girlfriends.

Or boyfriends. Whatever.

The phone starts to ring.

Angel picks up.

"Angel Investigations," he answers. "Oh hi, Giles. How are you? Do you want to speak to Buffy?"

He pauses for a moment, then looks at me.

"Oh. Well, do you want to speak to Faith then?"

He pauses some more.

"Oh," He puts the ice pack down and holds his hand over the receiver.

"He wants to talk to Ronald," he whispers, still listening to Giles.

"RONALD!" I yell at the top of my lungs.

Angel winces and gives me a scowl.

Heh heh.

Buffy elbows me, smiling.

"You rang?" he says from the top of the stairs.

"Phone," I nod at Angel.

"Oh," He fems it up and sashays down the stairs. When he's half way down, he butches it up and imitates my strut.

Bitch.

He smiles at me and takes the phone from Angel.

He ignores him too.

"Ronald, speaking."

He listens then says:

"Oh, Professor Higgins, how smashing of you to call. I've been practicing, listen..."

He clears his throat.

"The rain in Spain falls...wait a minute. How do you Brits spell rain? Is that R-A-I-N or R-A-I-N-N-E ? We yanks can be so crass, you know. Like 'theatre' or 'colour'. We never get that quite right now, do we? Oops, I mean 'spot on'."

Giles must not be amused, because Ronald's face changes from silly to serious. Oh-oh.

"So you've heard about it too. My cousin Chuckie has been phoning my source and he has gotten no answer. How bad is it?"

He looks at Buffy then quickly looks away.

Oh. London Calling.

"Of course. I can see your interest in this, Giles. It is your Slayer that will be going. I mean, maybe going," he quickly adds.

Buffy tenses up next to me. I take her hand and she squeezes it.

"It's okay, baby. I'm sure it's not as bad as it sounds. Relax, okay?"

"Okay."

But she's not really listening to me. She's tryin' to get her Slayer hearing in tune to what Giles and Ronald are actually saying.

I know, cus I've been doin' it myself.

Ronald senses this.

"Uh, listen, old chap. How about I call you from my cell? Yes, I have your number. Talk to you in a bit," He hangs up the phone.

He turns to us and puts on a cheerful face.

"Hey, how about them Dodgers?"

"Spill, Ronald," Buffy says. Her grip gets tighter on my hand.

I mean like, OUCH, tighter.

He looks at the seriousness of Buffy's demeanor and he relents.

"Okay," he sighs, "The Council informed Giles of the big evil that's moving around Europe and he wanted to know if I was planning on using Faith to investigate. You heard what I said."

"What's going on with your source?" Buffy asks, all business.

"Well, that's the thing, you see. Chuckie tells me he's been phoning London Lisa for two days now and he gets no answer. Just her machine that says she's away for the moment but to please leave a message."

"London Lisa?" Buffy asks.

"Yes, it's all very hush-hush. We go by location names."

"What's yours?" I ask.

"Bald Knob Buster."

"What?? Where's that?"

"In Arkansas."

"But you don't live in Arkansas, and your name's not Buster."

"I know."

"Oh."

"I'm the boss, I don't have to play by my rules."

"I see there, 'Boss'. What's my name?"

"Already got one for ya."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Well, a few, actually, you pick."

"Okay."

"Here are the cities and states, you pick a name. Love Ladies, New Jersey. Rough and Ready, California. Oral, South Dakota. Beaver Lick, Kentucky. Finger, Tennessee. Beetown, Wisconsin. Gay Head, Massachusetts. Or Faith, South Dakota.

" 'Beetown'. Beetown Betty," I smile.

"You got it."

"I want one," Buffy says.

"Okay," smiles Ronald.

" 'Faith' is not going."

Oh shit, here we go.

"Baby, yes I am."

"I'm going with you then."

"No, you're not."

"Faith, wait. Don't be so hasty. Maybe she can come too. Let me talk to Giles about it," Ronald interrupts.

"I don't care what Giles says, she's not going. It's too dangerous."

Fuck.

"Thank you, Faith," Buffy looks at me.

"I meant it would be dangerous for every Sunnydale resident if you left."

"Nice try, 'Betty'."

"How long would they be gone for?" Angel asks.

"About two or three weeks. Tops. I don't want Faith to 'do' anything, per se, just check out what the source says and if there is a possiblity of the evil being transmutable."

"How would I know that?" I ask.

"We'd brief you on what to look for before you went. Different evils have different transmutation properties. Some can't be transmuted at all. But the bigger the evil, the more potential power we can harness. IF it's harnessable."

He smiles, it's not a real word, but I get him. Angel interrupts.

"Faith, you and Buffy have been on vacation for almost as long as that before. Plus, you plan on being here for a while. What's the difference?"

"There just is, Angel-eyes, okay?" Fuck, he's not helping.

"You guys, I really need to call Giles back. I took too long with the name game and he's probably freaking out.

The phone rings.

"See?" he says. He picks up the phone and says:

"Moshimoshi, House of Japanese Pork."

He holds the phone away from his head.

"Hmm. Dialtone. Wrong number, I guess," He laughs and takes his cell out of his pocket and heads outside.

"Oh," he says offhandedly as he walks past Angel, "Got a name for you too. 'Youwillbemine, Sogetoverit'. It's right next to Bum Fuck, Egypt. Look it up."

He's got the Brit thing goin' again.

That's English for Butt Fuck, Egypt, I think.

Buffy looks at me.

"This is not over."

Yeah. Like I thought she'd let this one slip past her.

Riiiight.

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