And she raged. It wasn’t just simple fighting for her. It was too pure, unadulterated, it was a struggle she could not lose. It was hurt and passion and anger, betrayal, fear-loathing-hate-dust-lust-blood, so much blood she felt as though it filled her lungs and mocked every near-last breath she took.
She raged. Because it wasn’t just her life she was fighting for.
“We alone here, Lester?”
Had it been she alone, maybe Faith wouldn’t be fighting this hard, maybe she would just let this nightmare swallow her whole. Succumb to an anesthetized void when the last dribble of pain had finally been wrung from her body. And it all hurt so fucking much, more than any stab or punch or bite. Being assaulted by her own conscience, with each memory torn from her like some vital organ, Faith could feel herself falling apart. Taking that trip back into the wasteland of a world filled with death and pain.
The one where she was a murderer. The one where she didn’t care.
“If you ever apologize to me I will beat you to death.”
That face had been chiseled out of ice and Faith felt her lips move.
“Go ahead…” Her throat burned just the same as it had that night, and it had all felt so wrong all over again.
She raged. Angel’s basement melted, and the world spiraled again but when Faith opened her eyes it was just the same old scene.
“That’s my knife.” Faith didn’t want the knife, didn’t ever want it again. Didn’t want to see the killer in those hazel eyes, didn’t want to watch B become her again.
It was all happening too fast. The wind that whipped through her hair spun the rooftop into blackness, and she was pushing through it. Like swimming through slow time syrup. Thick and impossibly stagnate.
It took her to another time another place, nowhere near where she wanted to be.
Her mother stands before her sobbing, the greasy walls of that Southie walkup the background of her miserable portrait. Faith could smell the whiskey as each burst of sorrow tore from the broken woman’s throat. It was so hard to breathe.
“You’re useless ya know firecracker…” Slurred words that coated her skin and that used, dirty feeling from way back was sneaking up on her. Faith couldn’t see a way out.
“You’re dead.” Faith told the woman with eyes that matched her own, but she didn’t sound all that convincing.
“Nuh uh babygirl I live in you.” Her mother grinned, and for an instant Faith could feel the bitter truth in those words. “Ya know how to get rida me…”
And at the looming suggestion Faith raged.
“That’s my knife…”
“You’re about to get it back.”
The macabre replay seemed endless but Faith fought, because through the muddled gray she could sense the falsity of this place. And just as in her other dreams she longed to be awake, to live in a world she had just so recently discovered.
The one with love in it.
And that thought, that thin simple thread was like a lifeline. And Faith was pulling for all she was worth. Through the hazy muddled hauntings of her past, through the pain that was so much deeper than the physical, and through the doubt.
Because there were some things she just couldn’t question. Some things she knew with a certainty to her soul.
“hey you must be Buffy,” She head-butts a nobody vamp and the little blond girl she’d been chasing her whole life looked at her with wide stunned eyes. “I’m Faith…”
And the fog started to dissolve, leaving the only thing that Faith understood in this life with total clarity.
She was running… they were running, free and breathless through all those back alleys from so long ago. The heavy bas still thumping distantly behind them, the sound of their laughter resonating off concrete and stone. It echoed because they were alone, because the night belonged only to them. And Buffy came to stand in the pale blue circle of the streetlight… “I think I’m finding the fun, F”
God that smile, it let her breathe again.
And it all came as such a surprise, that someone who had only known pain, and contempt; lies and betrayal… who felt that was all they had to give, could be saved by the opposite of all that. Faith had always tried not to need anything, from anybody…Living, but just barely. But that wasn’t the case anymore. She needed this, and Buffy needed her.
It was like surfacing.
“I love you baby…” And Faith gasped as she broke free. She could suddenly feel again, the sheets around her, the air that was a little cool… it smelled like rain and B’s perfume. She could hear also. The clock ticking… someone was breathing in time, someone was holding her hand.
“b…” and god was that her voice? She sounded like shit. She gave the hand that was in her own a little squeeze
“huh?! What? FAITH! Ohmygod!” And no, that certainly wasn’t Buffy. Faith wondered exactly how long she had been out for, wondered when the gang let a howling banshee move in.
“Faith?” Dawn managed to lower her voice to a whisper, and Faith figured she must have picked up on the pained grimace she was making. She let her eyes open just the smallest bit. The early morning light sneaking through the gaps in the curtain stung, but provided just enough to make out a very blurry, and very worried face.
“Wh—who are you?” Her voice was raw on the words, and Faith watched as the younger girls eyes grew wide. Dawn’s mouth opened a few times and the ailing slayer could almost sense the babble that was about to break free. She gave her a weak smile.
“Oh my god Faith! I’m so gonna kill you once you get better!” And the kid was smiling at her now, wiping at eyes that were damp around the edges.
“Lookin’ forward to it squirt.” Faith rasped, and tried to sit up a little, her arms trembled and Dawn helped her until she was leaning against the headboard.
“How do you feel?” She asked, and handed Faith the cup of water from the bedstand before it could be requested. And where to start with that question. Her entire body felt as though it was trapped under some immense weight, her muscles aching with a dull throb. She still felt drugged, could still feel that sick intrusion swimming faintly through her system. But mostly, Faith felt empty… there was something missing, an inherent part that she couldn’t quite name.
She felt detached. But instead she just said.
“’Bout 2 by 4…” Faith closed her eyes after a few sips. “Like I got hit in the head with one.”
“I can get you something… some aspirin maybe?”
“Nah it’ll pass…” She hoped, Faith opened her eyes again, met all the concern that was coming from the younger Summers girl with a smile. “So how long this time?”
And Faith hoped Dawn would understand. She hated talking about that time… about losing time. It made her feel more weak, more outta control than any fight, any drug. She was glad the younger girl caught on relatively quick.
“Oh not long thankfully. Just yesterday and all last night, we were all so worried. ” She looked genuinely relieved, and Faith was surprised that she found herself believing the words.
“Yeah?” She was too tired to hide that frail ring of uncertainty though. After all it didn’t sound like a whole lot of worrying going on. She focused her senses… even though that little bit was draining “It’s kinda quiet, where is everyone? Where’s B?”
And Faith realized what she had missed. Why she still felt so disoriented. The dream, that was still hanging like a vivid tapestry in her mind suddenly made so much sense. She couldn’t feel Buffy, and she needed to feel her. The hurt and the pain? It came right along with the joy and the love… Faith needed it all because feeling it all… she knew she was alive.
And the questions came rapid fire through her still clearing mind. The reason why she had fought so hard, the reason why she opened her eyes… how she had felt her love slipping away. Why wasn’t B the one holding her hand? Was she too late? Why couldn’t she feel the other slayer near?
“Dawn? Wh—” Faith saw the moment of hesitation before Dawn cover it and it was like her anxiety doubled. Fear and panic melding with the pain. Oh god “Dawn where is she?! Wh—”
“Relax Faith, Buffy is out killing stuff.” Dawn had sounded uninterested, choosing now to start straightening up the room rather than looking the slayer in the eyes. She began tossing filthy bloody clothes in the trash. It was evident in the high-jittery tone of her voice that she was faking it.
“After we found out Riley was working with the Council, she went a little batty, she stayed up here with you all day while everyone else tried to get some sleep… its hard with everything that’s going on. But the witches need their strength if they’re gonna wake you up with that spell and…”
But Faith still wasn’t prepared to what Dawn’s prattling revealed. The Council? So they had managed to track her here…and that could only mean Riley… Holy fuck.
“I fuckin knew it…I knew something was up Dawn.” Faith sighed, the throbbing in her head seeming to grow more insistent with her realization. “I should have said something ya know… but I didn’t think I—”
“No, no Faith.” And at the first hint of remorse, Dawned abandoned her nervous busy work and made her way back over to the bed. “You couldn’t have done anything, no one really could have anticipated this. No one knew what was going on with him, in his head. Besides, we don’t need two slayers being all angst-ridden here.”
“Two?” Frowning actually made Faith’s head feel better. This was all too much. She wished she didn’t remember! Another death, all the blood on her hands… and Buffy’s devastated eyes.
“Weren’t you listening?” And the teenager had said it like she had been speaking English or something! Faith just watched the patented eye-roll as Dawn continued. “Buffy’s tripping the guilt big time. When we were all sleeping, she spent the whole day up here with you, then hit the streets when night fell. She’s looking for the Council.”
“Shit…alone?” She didn’t need to see Dawns slight nod to know the answer to that. Faith sighed, hating that she was stuck here…that she brought the Council to Sunnydale… like they didn’t have enough to worry about. But most, she hated that she wasn’t right out there at B’s side, out there making all this right.
“D, I gotta get outta here.” She made a move to rise, and her muscles immediately protested. And Dawn’s hands were on her shoulders, gently…effortlessly, guiding her back against the pillows
“Are you on crack!? Xander could kick you butt right now!” The pain had brought Faith up short, and she couldn’t help but think Dawn just might be right. But still the need to see, to be near the other slayer, the need was weighing on her more than the pain. The events of the other night were rushing back on her, the reality of it sinking in.
“But I need to find Buffy, c-can you get that Dawn? I- need to… I just need her.”
And at the raw emotion, the near desperation that was so evident in the dark slayer’s voice the younger woman’s face softened.
“She’s Ok Faith, the sun’s almost up so she’ll be here soon, everyone will be. We all agreed to meet back today to do the spell.”
“Spell?” Faith was distracted, thoughts of B at the forefront of her mind, the aching memories of her dreams clouding the back, but she finally picked up on that.
“Yeah the one to get rid of whatever that fuckface did to you.” Dawn said it with such venom, Faith felt herself actually drawing back a little. She watched as the other girl took a breath, calm it some. “But well, I guess that won’t be necessary seeing as how you’re all land of the living again, I should probably give Willow a call, let her know”
Faith watched as the other woman began moving around the room once more, this time with actual purpose, looking for the cordless.
So they were going to fix her with a spell? That seemed a bit drastic, but maybe she didn’t know the entire situation. Whatever the beefstick had done to her, had injected her with had been pretty serious. And if the persistent ache, the weakness in her limbs were anything to go by, it had been pretty effective too. The Council weren’t ones to bother with the light stuff.
Maybe a spell was the only way. Buffy wouldn’t have let the witches do anything unless they were sure right? Not with Willow just coming off of the dark stuff, and not if there were any other chance she’d pull through right?
But yet, here she was. Wide awake without so much as an abra cadabra…
“You guys sure were quick to jump to the mojo huh?” Faith asked Dawn’s rear end, the only part of her visible at the moment as she dug through the closet, still in search of the telephone. She emerged quickly, phone in hand, and pulled a t-shirt off her head.
“Umm well, it wasn’t exactly like jumping. We had to find out some stuff… you know before we—it— could be decided.”
Ok, that was disconcerting. Faith had asked the question lightly, attempting to brighten the situation, but Dawns expression was borderline panic.
“D?” She wasn’t sure she wanted the answer, but Dawn sputtered on.
“It wasn’t an easy choice—see, Faith…. Buffy, she…” and quickly trailed off again… and Faith could feel something inside her sinking. Dawn was backing out the room, her gaze focused on the phone in her hand, on the floor, the window, anywhere but the Slayer who was imploring her with her eyes.
“What Dawn? Buffy what?!” Faith needed an answer now. Something was going on here and Faith was growing more anxious with every second. She thought about trying to get up; stopping the younger girls retreat, but she flexed the muscles of her legs briefly and thought better of it.
“Y-you guys should talk about it… later.” Dawn was at the door now, and all Faith could do was stare at her, bewildered. “Ya know… it’s really not even important now! I mean you’re awake, so spell? Pointless, right? So I’m gonna go call Willow now”
And the door snicked shut behind her and Faith was left to stare at the polished wood. She brought a pillow up to her chest and hugged it, inhaling the lingering scent and listening to the quiet house.
She hated feeling this helpless, so completely alone and utterly in the dark. The silence left her with nothing but her own thoughts to fill the void, to fill the time. She hated being so still… but what choice did she have now? All Faith had to left, was to wait. Wait until some one could give her answers, for her strength to come back… until Buffy returned, and she could feel whole again.
Faith closed her eyes and hoped for patience.
It was way to early in the morning, the bright warming rays of dawn just creeping their way above the roof tops of the city. And she was running late, and she had no one but herself to blame. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. She could have blamed her alarm clock for not being quite loud or insistent enough, or the bed for being just too damn comfy.
She could have blamed Tara’s warm and wonderful arms for making her feel such tranquility in the midst of all this madness.
But if Willow was honest with herself there was only one simple reason. One thing that kept her from heading to the magic shop right upon waking. One thing that kept her hesitating as she selected each item from the shelves; that made her hand tremble as she lifted the required texts. It was doubt. Self-doubt more specifically.
Willow thought back to the promise she had made to her group of friends, to the uneasy agreement between her and Faith. She didn’t think she would be tested so quickly.
The red-head smiled sadly at the irony. The one person who knew how low she had sank, the one person who TRULY knew the depth, the pleasure of the darkness; knew how easy it could be to lose yourself to it… was now the one asking her to walk that edge.
Leave it to Faith to make things complicated.
And she still wasn’t quite sure how she felt about the dark slayer’s return, how she had come in like a sudden wind, stirring up everything around her… they had all been so unprepared. Well, all but Buffy. And THAT was going to take some getting used to. But her best friend had never looked so happy, so at peace than she had the past few days… and that was despite all the chaos around them.
Tara had really helped her see. They had gotten past the resentment she had long harbored against Faith, and called it by its true name: jealousy. And it had felt a little like freedom; being told it had been ok to feel those things for Buffy back then, and being able to let it go. Tara had told her about seeing the Slayer’s auras, the purity of their joining, the perfection in their balance.
Tara had been so absolutely certain, that Willow hadn’t any choice but to believe. She still didn’t know if she could trust Faith, but she knew to the core of her being she could trust Tara.
And besides, she reasoned that one chance deserved another. And since the redhead was being honest with herself, Faith was living up to her half of the deal; proving her self…that she’d changed. Keeping her secret.
The problem was, Willow wasn’t too sure she’d be able to do the same.
It was like that, with that shiver of uncertainty and confusion still clutching at her skull, that he found her. She was fumbling with her cellphone, trying to balance it, the books and her bag of tricks. The melodic ring danced through the calm of the early morning air.
“Shit…” The phone hit the ground, and she’d bent down to grab it, only to come up short as another hand came into view and wrapped around the tiny device.
“Such dirty words from such a sweet, ripe mouth… ”
That drawl, that low, slow timbre felt like a sudden punch. Willow jerked backwards, sending the rest of the supplies tumbling. Rak only grinned and hit the ‘end’ button, bringing silence to the morning once again.
Willow became very aware of the vacant alley where she stood, and of the only exit that was now blocked by a towering form.
“Stay away from me.” Even with all her loathing, her voice still shook.
“Aww now baby girl, don’t be so mean to me. Not in front of our guests…” He spread out his arms and made a slow spin gesturing their surroundings.
There was no one there, no one that she could see.
“You’re high Rak.” She was backing up, even though there was nowhere to go; her eyes kept darting to the brick and concrete walls around them
“No shit sweetheart! I had to celebrate! I got me some new friends from far away. They showed me some big things.” He laughed a low chuckle that gradually became maniacal. Willow could see the creeping oil swimming in his crazy eyes. “Yup things that are gonna get me outta this town. But first I got somethin’ ta give ya.”
The sight made her sick; reminded her of all that she could so easily be. She forced the defiance in her voice “I don’t need anything else from you.”
It only made him smile wider…wilder, the leer in his voice filthy and savage.
“Oh, I know you don’t, you’re juicy enough all on your own”
“Then what the fuck are you talking about?!” Willow was done; she’d had enough. The courage was knifing through, sparked by the way Rak’s gaze was clinging to her body. She took a step forward, bold now. It was just the other day after all that he was sniveling in fear of what she could do. He didn’t know about her vow to never use the dark magic again.
Of course her bravado was short lived.
“Oh don’t you hear the bells strawberry?” After he spoke again she saw them, dark figures stepping from the shadows of the alley. “Its Christmas!”
Rak proclaimed with perverse joy and Willow didn’t even need a moment to consider who their ‘guests’ were. Not after what had happened last night, not after what Giles had told them. The Council. And now with Riley dead Willow was sure of who their next pawn would be.
“Proceed…” A horse but distinctly English voice came from the man who just pulled a cigarette from his jacket. And before she could blink, before she could even consider what the hell was going on… it hit her.
Hard. Shimmering waves made the air bend and tremble as they flowed from Rak’s finger tips, slamming into her, filling her and Willow gasped because she liked it.
She felt it swim through her like a violation, a rape that she wanted. The intensity between the longing and the thrill, the shiver to the spasm, it was an intrusion she knew to her soul she should resist… she didn’t.
She thought of Tara, a brief shining light before the slow ripples began to lap at the edges of her mind. Creeping thick waves and Willow’s eyes were black with it.
Somewhere, distantly she could hear Rak starting to scream, as the power between them began to shift, as it became apparent that he was no longer giving it willingly, but Willow was taking it. She was draining him. She stepped closer, her eyes bright and wild, and pressed her hand to his chest. His screams became pathetic little whimpers.
The smoking man smiled, cautious, and Rak fell to the ground in a heap, his insane screams echoed down the alley.
“You shouldn’t have done this!” She spoke to both the man she had destroyed and the one dressed all in black grinning calmly.
“Really? Do you not like your gift Miss Rosenburg?” In the periphery Rak slammed his face into the wall. He laughed as off yellow pieces fell from his mouth, clattered to the concrete, tiny splashes in his blood.
“Gift?!” Her body shook with twisted bliss, it fought the rage and pulsing through her.
It felt so good.
“Why yes dear girl. A gift, with more to come… in exchange for your assistance.”
He smiled a wicked smile.
“I didn’t ask for this.” The part of Willow that was still just the girl was afraid of the new menacing resonance of her voice. A hollow timbre that was imposed; in no way natural.
“No you didn’t, and yet you are blessed… chosen one might say. Chosen for this power, this pleasure.” He spared a glance to the crying bumbling fool. He drew grotesque murals on the wall with sickening red, unaware of their presence.
“It must be destined right? After all, you are but a girl and you thrive; you flourish, where others…” The trailed off and Willow’s vast eyes cut once more to Rak, the tool she destroyed, and she smiled, and she whispered.
“I want some more…”
TBC
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