You mustn’t worry, you know. She does love you.
Don’t panic, you didn’t give anything away, you’re really sneaky. But I’m sneaky too; I’ve read her diary. That’s how I know the truth.
The stuff she writes about you is really slushy. Well, some of it anyhow, other bits are kind of… nasty. Some times she writes really, really mean stuff- like how she wants you to drop off the face of the earth or, or… well, there’s some swearing and I don’t like to swear- unlike some people- so I wont. But the bits with you in are way more mushy than the bits with Angel, even if you’re not very romantic. And some bits? There like… rude. But I don’t read those.
Yeah ok, I don’t need to lie to you- you always told me the truth so I should do the same. Yes, I read them. But not for fun! I’m not like that. Except for Stacy Ellen. But I think everyone wants to kiss Stacy Ellen so that’s ok. She kind of reminds me of you sometimes. Occasionally when we’re reading I’ll look over at her and she’ll be thinking these really deep thoughts and it’s like ‘wow! I wish she was thinking that way about me’. I don’t really know what she’s thinking but she always has this little smile. Not like at home time. Her mommy never comes to pick her up either- just like you told me yours never did. She’s really skinny too, I shared my lunch with her once cause she didn’t have one but she said it was just for that day and I shouldn’t do it again. I think she lied though; I’ve never seen her with her own lunch. Sometimes I think I’d like to take her home and keep her.
I think Buffy would have kept you if only you weren’t so damaged. She said that once. Well… wrote it. That you’re damaged goods. I think that means she wants to put you back together. Maybe when you wake up if you let her she could help you get better.
I know I say I don’t like her lots but I do. She’s my big sister so I love her but she’s Buffy so she’s special. She’s good at making people happy, you should let her try. Like that Christmas that you came to our house. You were really smiley then. Especially when Buffy came back. I read that Christmas entry loads… sometimes when I’m feeling sad cause I got a bad mark or stupid Freddy Jackman pushed me over or… or… Stacy Ellen has a new bruise… I wait till Buffy’s gone out and then sneak into her room to read that day again. I got a tear on it once and when I brushed it off it smudged the ink and I was really scared that Buffy was gonna be mad. But I dried it out on the radiator and then I did my very best ‘Buffy Handwriting’ and went over all the smudged bits. I guess I must have done a good job or maybe she just doesn’t read back cause she’s never said anything.
Some of the pages I don’t worry about smudging cause they’re all crinkled anyway. They’re really hard to read- the ink’s run all down the page on a few. She wrote one like that last week. Everyone thinks she’s happy now that it’s summer and she won the big fight. But she’s not. She almost came to see you on Tuesday- that’s the day she wrote the crinkly page. She said she sat outside your room for a while but didn’t come in. Could you feel her? She wrote that she can feel you sometimes, like when you’re sad or hurt or… uh… you’re… with a boy… and… happy. You know. But- but you never said you could to me and I guess you never did to her cause it’s not written down and she writes everything down- like she’s scared she’ll forget if she doesn’t. I don’t see how anyone could forget you. I don’t think I ever will.
She made me cry the other day- cause I was watching cartoons and she came in and told me to turn it off because she had a headache and I said that was silly, if she wanted to be quiet why didn’t she just go in another room? But she turned the TV off anyway- and then I said that I wished you were my sister instead because you’re so much nicer than her. She laughed really fakely and said you probably would have just ignored me and hit me when you were unhappy. She thinks you only hung around me cause of her and I was going to tell her how you used to play games with me and take me out and stuff when they were all having their boring Scooby meetings but then I didn’t because I wanted to keep it just between us, you know? Like a secret- like how you taught me to kiss on the back of my hand. She would have been really jealous though, defiantly, super jealous. She used to write about how she wondered where you were in their silly meetings. She probably didn’t even remember to tell you. She can be really stupid sometimes; it’s obvious I got all the brains!
That was on Tuesday though… the day we fought. I guess she must have just come back from the hospital. I read what she wrote about it the morning after and then I felt really sorry for her and I was going to go and give her a hug, not tell her why, just give her a hug… But then when I went down for breakfast she was sitting next to Willow and they were laughing and she said something mean so I forgot about the hug. But I’ll hug her when I get home today and I’ll think about you while I do it so it’ll be like I’m hugging her for you. Not in a gay way! Just in a nice way.
Willow thinks that Buffy doesn’t even think about you anymore but I know she does- the crinkly paper told me so. Even if I can’t read much of it I can still see some of it and there’s your name on it lots. She drew some hearts too. Red ones. In a special red pen. It’s a really nice one with little glittery bits in it so it shines. She never lets me borrow it but I don’t really mind- I don’t think I have anything special enough to use it on. And I don’t have anyone whose name I can draw really pretty and then make a big heart round in squiggly red pen. She draws those on loads of the pages from earlier this year- when you were still… you know, ‘doing stuff’. Like kissing in the park and… other things. The kind of stuff I shouldn’t really know about. But I think it’s really important that I do. Even though I like boys. One day Stacy Ellen might stake a vampire and then turn and tell me I’m the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen and then kiss me. So I need to know, you see? Maybe not the other stuff. But kissing stuff is important.
I think when you wake up you should kiss Buffy. She won’t be mad at you anymore if you do that- she’ll write happy things like she did at Christmas and put your name in red shiny hearts and she won’t be sad anymore. Once she asked Mom if you could come live with us but Mom said that it was your choice. I guess you never answered cause she never wrote it down. Or maybe you were already too confused by the time she remembered to ask and you were living with the Mayor or something. I don’t know why you liked him- he always creeped me out a bit. Did he remind you of your Dad or something? I guess it makes sense then. I wish my dad was a bit more like your dad- not the dead part, just the nice part. My mom is the best though- wouldn’t it be cool if your dad had married my mom? Then we’d be like sisters! Or… we would be sisters. That would be cool. But I guess then Buffy would be your sister too and that would be really weird. If you asked Buffy to marry you then we’d be sisters. You should do that. I think you’d be together forever and never get divorced or die or have any of that other bad stuff that breaks people up.
That’s why I came in today. I’m supposed to be shopping with Janice and her parents but we gave them the slip and she’s outside in the corridor on lookout. I don’t have much more time; they’ll start wondering where we are soon. But I though you needed to know that Buffy loves you. Even if she doesn’t come and visit. It’s really just cause she’s scared. Don’t think she’s forgotten you or that she doesn’t care. And don’t forget I love you too and one day we’ll be sisters. If you come find me when you wake up then I’ll tell you where Buffy is and I’ve still got your dress- the one you wore to homecoming and let me try on- so we can make you look really pretty and you can go tell Buffy you love her and kiss her and then we’ll be sisters.
I’d better go. We’re going to pretend we got lost and I taught Janice that thing with the fake tears that you showed me so we’re going to do that and then they wont be mad.
Goodbye my favourite big sister, sweet dreams and wake up soon.
