Chapter 43: My Nuclear Warfare

It’s been one whole month since the graduation at Sunnydale High. One month and Buffy has had enough. She knows that this is hard for Faith, it’s hard for her too, but they need to talk about this. She was accepted at Northwestern for God’s sake, and she needs to know if she turns it down, will Faith pull her weight in making this relationship work? Or will she just want to hang out with her friends and try to be a teenager forever? Well today is the day that Buffy is going to find out for sure.

‘Faith is on her way over here now. I told her we could go to the movies, but one little white lie isn’t going to hurt. And if this talk goes as well as I want it to then maybe we will go see a movie. After hours and hours of mind blowing, toe curling, spine tingling sex of course.’ Buffy jumps up when she hears the door bell ring. Ok, calm down that could be Duncan. Dawn’s been hanging out a lot with him lately. I wonder if they’re in puppy.’ She walks down the stairs and opens the door and sees Faith standing there looking fabulous like always.

“Hey baby,” she says and leans forward and gives Faith a little kiss on the lips. Then she steps back into the house to make room for Faith. “I know I said I wanted to see a movie, but there’s something I need to talk to you about first.” Faith lifts up her sunglasses and rests them on the top of her head. She has a suspicious feeling about all of this and she doesn’t like it.

“Ok,” she says. “Lead the way.” She follows the blonde up the stairs and into her bedroom. Then she gets a little smile on her face. ‘Maybe she wants to try something really kinky but she isn’t sure yet. I’m sure I can talk her into it.’ But as soon as she sees the look on Buffy’s face she knows it isn’t going to be sexy, kinky fornication. ‘Fornication, are you serious?’ “So, B, what’s up?” She watches as the nervous blonde paces a little bit and then stops and takes in a deep breath.

‘I can’t do this. I can’t tell her what I’m about to tell her. She might cry and then I’ll start crying and nothing will get accomplished. Ok, Buffy, don’t be a chicken. You got this far, and you can keep going. Just say what you need to say and listen to what she has to say. And whatever you do don’t get mad. You know how she reacts to anger. It’s like watching someone try to take a slab of meat away from a bulldog. They just gets meaner and meaner until someone gets bit.’ That was a strange comparison. I don’t think you got enough sleep last night.

“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. You know I was accepted to Northwestern, I told you as soon as I found out. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these last couple of months, and I think Illinois is where I belong.” The look on Faith’s face is one of shock, betrayal, and finally anger. “Please, don’t look at me like that. I’ve been trying to get you to talk about this since for a long time, so don’t act all blinded sided.” Ok, I don’t really think getting mad at her is going to help the situation.

“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Be happy that you’re moving half way across the God damn country?” Cursing will help just as much as getting angry. ‘Either shut the fuck up or my boot’s going in your ass.’ Shutting up.

“I don’t know Faith. I don’t know what either of us are supposed to do. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. And saying this is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever do. But you haven’t said a word about what you want. You keep avoiding the subject and putting it off. Well, there’s only two months left before I have to leave. So if you have something to say then you need to say it before it’s too late.”

“It’s already too fuckin late. You just said you’re leaving, so what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Their voices are rising and the other occupants of the house don’t have to be in the hallway to hear the argument. “Go ahead, tell me. If you’re so God damn sure about every fucking thing then give me a clue!”

“Ask me not to go!” Buffy screams as loud as she can. There’s a long pause after as they just stare at each other. Buffy has tears threatening to spill over, and Faith is completely stunned. “Just ask me not to go, tell me you can’t live without me and I won’t move away. Tell me our relationship has a possibility of going somewhere and I’ll stay, and we can be together.” Faith doesn’t respond right away, and Buffy just gets really pissed off. All of the frustration and tension that’s been building between them has finally reached a breaking point.

“Why don’t you say something?! Why do you always just stand there?! You’re like a child. Can’t you make up your mind on one fucking thing?! Do you want me or not?” She’s so angry that she doesn’t really know what she’s saying anymore. She just needs to get this anger out on the person who she thinks is responsible for putting it there. But she has to admit that it’s not making her feel any better.

“I am not like a fucking child. I can make up my mind about stuff. You’re just pressuring me into making a decision right now, and I need some God damn time to think!” Buffy scoffs at that and puts her hands on her hips.

“You’ve had months to think! I brought this up when we were still juniors! You’re just too immature to come to a decision!”

“I am not immature! If anyone in this room is more immature then the other it’s you not me!”

“You have a comic book collection! You stay up all night playing videos games and watching movies! You throw freshmen kids in trashcans for God sakes!”

“Well so do a lot fucking people! So what the fuck is wrong with it?!”

“Those people grow up to be shitless lay abouts who live in their parents’ basement! When are you going to grow the fuck up and realize there’s more to life then comics and having fun?!”

“When you get off my fucking back! You’re always nagging me to change. Stop drinking, stop goofing around, stop hanging out with the guys so much! Well have you ever stopped to think that maybe this is just who I am? Are you so God damn fucking conceded and self-absorbed that you think just because you say to stop doing something I’m going to stop?! I’m not a fucking dog for you to train!”

“No you’re not. Because at least can make up its damn mind about what it wants to do! Do you want me to stay here or do you want me to leave?! Am I so fucking controlling, and bitchy that you want me to go half way across the country just so you can be free?! Because that isn’t love Faith. And if you don’t love me anymore then let me know so I can get the fuck over you and move on with my life!” There’s a little pause, and for a second Buffy thinks maybe something has finally gotten through Faith’s thick skull.

“Oh and it would just be that easy for you wouldn’t it?! You go off to college and jump on the first beef stick you find, and forget all about me?!”

“No it wouldn’t be that easy for me because I love you dammit! But I’m sure it would be easy for you to move on! You could just go right back to fucking every girl you see!”

“This is exactly why I don’t do relationships! It’s too much fuckin drama!” They just stare at each other for a few seconds before Faith puts her sunglasses down. “Fuck this. I’m outta here.” ‘Oh my God. Is she breaking up with me?’ Buffy thinks. As soon as Faith starts to walk away Buffy starts panicking.

“No, wait Faith don’t go!” she yells as she follows her out the door. “Faith, come back here and we talk about this rationally. Please, Faith, don’t just walk out!” She follows her down the steps and the other girl doesn’t say a word, and doesn’t turn around to look back at the very desperate blonde. “Faith please you can’t just leave like this. We need to talk about it some more. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you immature, I was just angry. Please.” Faith opens the front door but she turns around to look at the blonde. But Buffy can’t see her eyes because of the sunglasses.

“You meant every God damn word you said.” Her voice is low and full of venom. It makes Buffy take a step back. “You call me immature, just look at you. Crying and throwing a God damn fit when things don’t go your way. You’re pathetic. Just some little rich girl who has to have her way or she isn’t happy. Well I’m fuckin sick of it.” She turns around without another word and stomps down the walkway. She gets into her truck and slams the door closed. She peels out onto the street, leaving behind black marks from the tires. And as she drives off down Revello drive Buffy’s heart shatters into a million pieces

Chapter 44: My Heart Stopping Moment

I can’t believe I only have two more months here,’ Buffy thinks and tapes up yet another box. Sure she has two months, but she’s getting a jump start on packing. She’s already boxed up most of the closet, and dresser drawers. She’s taking all of her clothes with her to Illinois, that much is a given, but she isn’t too sure what else should go. ‘Mr. Gordo obviously, and my Care Bear.’ She looks over at the bed, and sees the giant Care Bear that Faith won for her on their very first date and her eyes well up with tears.

‘Why did she have to be such a jerk?’ Buffy thinks and holds back a sob. The brunette has been gone for three days. Nobody knows where she is or when she’ll be back. The whole situation has filled Buffy’s heart with sadness, and more just keeps coming. She’s trying to be happy because she got into a very good school, and everyone is so proud of her. But if she were to be really honest with everyone she would tell them that all she wants to do is curl up in Faith’s arms and never leave that spot.

‘How pathetic is this? I’m in my room on a Saturday afternoon crying and feeling sorry for myself. She’s the jerk for being so mean, and she’s the asshole for taking off. We could be spending time together right now. We could be on my bed making love and memorizing each other’s bodies so when it’s late at night and we’re feeling so lonely we’ll have something to go by as we try to imagine what it would be like to be with each other just one more time.’

She takes another armful of clothes out of her closet and throws them on the bed. This is how it’s been all morning long. Her mom and her sister went to see a movie to give the middle Summers woman some time to herself. She’s doing a little better today then she has the last couple of days. At least she got out of bed and showered. That’s an improvement. ‘Would you shut up? They don’t care about that?’ Well not having to smell your nasty B.O. is certainly a wonderful thing. I thought Faith just killed your spirit, I guess she took your sense of smell too.

The blonde collapses to her knees and starts sobbing her eyes out. She holds her head in her hands and cries harder then she’s ever cried before in her entire life. Her whole body is shaking from the force of her sobs, and everywhere hurts. Her toes hurt, her knees hurt, her head hurts, her stomach hurts, and her heart hurts. In fact that’s the part of her that hurts the most. And not because of her sadness, it’s getting really hard for her to breathe so her chest feels like it’s on fire.

“Would you just go away? Nobody wants you here! You’re just an annoying little gnat that flies around pissing people off! Would you just go away!” she screams as loud as she can. The fire in her lungs gets worst but it feels so good at the same time. That’s it miniscule blonde one, let it out. Let it all out. Your narrator is here to take all the verbal beatings you can dish out. ‘You’re not my narrator anymore. You’re just an annoyance.’

She takes in a couple of deep breaths that are supposed to calm her down, but they don’t really work. She wipes her eyes with her hands, and gets up. She heads into the bathroom and blows her nose. Now that she’s had a really good, long cry she does feel a little better. The screaming helped rid her of some of the anger, and the crying has made her too tired to feel sorry for herself. She finishes packing up the last box for today and she stacks them up in the far corner of her room.

‘Well now what am I going to do?’ she thinks as she walks out of the room. Her mom and sister won’t be back for another hour and she doesn’t want to leave the house. If she leaves the house and Faith is back in town then there’s a chance that Buffy will run into her, and she doesn’t want that. ‘I don’t think I can handle it. If we’re broken up now then I don’t want to see her again, at least not until I’m over her. She’s the one who stormed out of here like a four-year-old, not me. I’ll just pick up her mess and move on even if it isn’t fair at all.’

“Honey we’re home!” she hears her mother yell out from the front door, as she walks down the stairs. ‘I must’ve cried longer then I thought,’ she thinks and greets her mother and sister in the foyer. As soon as Joyce looks at her daughter she knows that she’s been crying again. ‘That’s all she’s been doing for the last three days. I swear if I ever get my hands on Faith….Ok Joyce, just calm down. This is just what happens when you fall in love in high school.’

“Oh sweetie,” she says and wraps her arms around her daughter. Buffy buries her face in Joyce’s shoulder and starts crying again, not as hard as she did upstairs but just enough to make her stomach hurt. “Sweetheart, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but things will get better.” She isn’t too sure what to say, but she needs to comfort Buffy anyway. This is her baby. She isn’t going to just sit here while she’s in pain.

“You promise?” Buffy lets out between two big sobs. Joyce starts to gently rub her back and Buffy starts to very, very slowly calm down.

“Yes sweetheart, I promise. Come on, let’s go sit down, ok?” Buffy doesn’t let go as her mother starts to walk backwards. Joyce struggles a little bit, but she makes it to the couch without getting hurt so that’s a win in her book. She sits down and pulls Buffy into her lap. Having her blonde daughter sitting in her lap, crying against her shoulder, and having a broken heart reminds her of the time Buffy’s kitten Snowflake was hit by a car. Only this is way worst, because she knows Buffy isn’t going to calm down after a lecture about kitty heaven and a trip to Dairy Queen.

It’s nightfall by the time Buffy is fully calm. Her body used up all of her tears, and she’s too dehydrated to cry anymore. She’s still sitting in her mother’s lap like a little kid, and she so desperately wants to go back to those days when her biggest concern was how to con her mother into letting her stay up passed her bedtime, and how to convince her father to give her four scoops of ice cream and not just three.

She yawns a very wide yawn that seems to be contagious because only seconds after she’s finished Dawn and their mother yawn as well. They’re still in the living room, and they’re watching a Bewitched marathon. They laugh as Samantha’s mother insults the husband and he’s so angry with her he can’t think of anything to say. Buffy yawns again and she looks up when she feels her mother gently squeeze her knee.

“I think it’s about time we went to bed,” her mother says and gives her a gentle smile. She turns off the TV which causes Dawn to whine a little about not being tired, but the all knowing mom will have none of it. “You either go to bed young lady, or you’re going to be pulling weeds all by yourself tomorrow morning.” It only takes Dawn two seconds to jump up off the floor. Another five to yell out her goodnights and run upstairs like her ass was on fire. “Are you going to be fine, or do you need to snuggle up to your mommy?” She has a small smile on her face so Buffy knows she isn’t trying to be mean.

“I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl now. I can sleep in my own bed. I just wish I didn’t feel so…well, I just wish I could feel something.” She pauses and rethinks what she was going to say for fear of sounding too emo. “I just can’t wait to get to Illinois so I can get moved in and start my classes. I think when I get there things will be better. I’ll be too busy worrying about homework and essays and finding the right rooms to be thinking about Faith.” Her mom gives her another hug before sending her off to bed.

She goes through the usual night time routine. She brushes her teeth, uses the bathroom, changes into her pajamas and crawls under the covers. She leaves her lamp on for a few extra minutes though. She lies on her back and just stares up at the ceiling. ‘It just seems like everything is happening so fast. I graduated high school, I broke up with Faith, and I’m going to college soon.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle all of that. What if I’m not good enough? What if I get there and it just isn’t right? Did I throw my relationship with Faith away for nothing or am I going to look back on this in ten years and think ‘it worked out for the best.’ I guess that could happen. I mean, I could be like some big executive and have the high paying career and the house with white picket fence, the two beautiful kids and a Golden Retriever named Sparky. Ok, maybe not Sparky but you get the idea, right?’

After a little more brooding she shuts off the lamp. She stares into the emptiness that has become her mind and she doesn’t know what to do. She never really thought about what it would be like to lose Faith in any way, shape or form. From the first time she said ‘I love you’ she thought they would be together forever, and now look at where they are. ‘So much for happy endings. Stupid Cinderella. Filling me with false hopes. I’m going to sue the Disney corporation for all there worth for this. Mark my words, I will sue them!’

She gives a small start, and looks up when she hears her bedroom window open. She sits up quickly in her bed and turns the lamp on preparing to scream if it’s someone she doesn’t know. She lets out a heavy sigh, and some of the tension in her body goes away. A lot of it remains however, because she isn’t sure what is going on, or why she is here now. She’s about to voice those questions, but she’s interrupted.

“Please, just let me talk,” Faith says and moves closer to the bed. She doesn’t sit down. Instead she just stands about three feet away from the edge. “I know I was a jerk, and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that, and I don’t think words can describe how shitty I feel right now because I hurt you so bad.” She stops and there’s a pause. She paces for a minute or two but then she stops in the exact same spot where she was before.

“Look, B…Buffy, I’m not good at any of this. When you live the kind of life that I have you can’t make plans for the future because if you do you’re just setting yourself up for a big let down. I just couldn’t handle the thought of losing you forever, and I wigged out big time. You’re going to be moving halfway across the country to a school that you so deserve to be in, and when you told me that’s what you decided to do…it was like a knife to the heart. I never thought I’d meet someone who could hurt me that bad with good news.” Buffy looks away from her, guilt is all over her face.

“No, no please don’t feel bad. When you told me that you got into Northwestern, and it’s where you want to be I started doing a lot of thinking.” Buffy looks up at her, hopeful, but scared at the same time. “I’m not going to ask you to stay.” The hope melts faster then ice in hundred degree weather, and the fear turns to tears of sadness. “This is a huge opportunity for you, and if you don’t take it you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life, and you’ll hate me for being the reason you didn’t go.”

Then Faith does something that Buffy totally wasn’t expecting. She pulls a little black box out of her jacket pocket and just holds it in her hands like it’s the most precious thing on earth. Buffy has an idea about what’s inside that box, but she doesn’t want to let herself hope, or think about it too long. Everything lately has been one big disappointment, and she doesn’t want to set herself up for more hurt.

“After you graduate you can be anything you want. I know this because I know you better then anyone else in the world.” Buffy notices that Faith’s hands are shaking, and her voice has this little quiver to it. ‘What the hell is this? What is she doing?’ she thinks and it feels like pins and needles are stabbing the back of her neck. Her entire body is tense and she’s barely breathing. All she can see is Faith, and how nervous she looks.

“Going to Northwestern is going to give you a very bright future, and I’m asking you right here, and right now: will you let me be a part of it?” Then Faith does the unthinkable. She takes a couple of steps forward until she’s very close to the bed. Then she gets down on one knee and opens up the little black box. Inside is a diamond ring, nothing big or fancy, just a simple gold band with a very shiny diamond on top.

“Buffy Ann Summers, will you marry me?”

THE END!