Chapter Sixteen

“Buffy.” I can’t believe this is happening. Three days ago Faith and I told each other that we have more then just a physical attraction for each other, and that she can’t leave Tanner or he’ll sue her for custody of Sam and win. That’s blackmail if you ask me. Anyway, after that I wigged and did something totally stupid. “Buffy have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” Great, and now Giles is mad at me.

“No. I’m sorry Giles. I have a lot on my mind right now.” We’re supposed to be talking about those Nazi vampires, and Faith is supposed to be here too. At least that’s what she told Giles before the dumb thing happened. Now she won’t even stay in the same room with me. I look into Giles’ eyes and he looks concerned. I really wish he was my dad. Then I’d crawl into his lap and cry like a four-year-old. Giles is too British for that though.

Buffy, I know that officially I’m your watcher, but you can talk to me if you need to even if it isn’t slayer related.” Oh God, I can’t tell Giles what I did. I’m way too ashamed. I acted so stupid and I don’t want anyone else to know about it. Faith knows, obviously, but she’s not going to be telling anyone any time soon. At least I hope not.

“Thank you for saying that, but I can’t talk to you about it. It’s…it’s personal and I don’t want to tell anyone.” I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t even want to think about it. Faith hates me and it’s all my fault. She told me to back off, that she couldn’t do it again but I pushed. I pushed until she finally gave in and did what I wanted. Afterwards she freaked out, told me to go to hell, and stormed off. It isn’t just that I got her to dress up like a girly-girl, and go to the Bronze with me. I decided to show her how much fun we can have, so I asked her to dance. The song was fast, but right after it was a slow song.

She wanted to go sit back down. The whole night she was uncomfortable because she knew what I was doing but I thought if I could show her how much I want to be with her then maybe she’d reconsider. So I pushed, and I kept pushing until she finally danced with me just to shut me up. She didn’t want to dance close at first but after a while she relaxed and put her head on my shoulder. I couldn’t resist. I gave her temple a little kiss and whispered ‘I love you’ into her ear. She freaked out and stormed off, and I can’t tell anyone why.

That was two days ago, and Faith hasn’t said a word since then. She won’t even look at me. Everyone knows that something is going on but I won’t say anything and Faith won’t either. I’ve been crying a lot because she hates me now. She made it perfectly clear that we can’t be together despite our mutual feelings for one another, but I took it too far. I told her I have feelings for her, but the ‘L’ word was never brought up.

“I see. As awkward as it might be it could be best to tell someone. I was young once too, you know, and keeping things bottled in is hardly ever the way to go.” He does have a little bit of a point. I remember during the whole Angelus fiasco that I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, but everyone expected me to hate him, but I didn’t. But Faith and I not speaking can’t hurt anyone. It’s just making things very awkward at the house.

“I’m still trying to process everything. I have no idea how to tell someone else what’s been going on when I’m still confused by the whole thing.” He nods his head a little and puts his little notebook in his jacket pocket. I guess he’s been taking notes on the situation but there’s not much to write about. Faith and I haven’t seen any on patrol and there’s not an unusual amount of ‘accidental’ deaths.

I have a feeling we won’t be patrolling together anymore. She won’t eat at the table with the rest of us, we don’t hang out when I get home from school, and last night Mom asked if she wanted to watch a movie with us and she turned it down and went to her room. She’s been hiding out there a lot since we got home from the Bronze. I’m just so afraid that she’s going to move out. Even if she’s pissed off at me for what I did that doesn’t mean she has to move back into a rat trap.

“Tonight you and Faith should patrol the residential areas. See if there are any suspicious characters lurking about. It’s possible the vampires may stalk their victims for a few days before making a move.” Well that’s an unsettling thought, and the vampire thing is bad too. I really don’t want to patrol with Faith. She wants her space and I’m going to respect it like I should have in the first place.

“Giles, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He gives me a strange look so I explain. He’s going to ask anyway, I might as well get it over with. “Faith and I sorta got into a fight and now we’re not talking. So, I really don’t think patrolling together is something we should do right now.” I’m not saying that Faith wouldn’t help me if I were being attacked by a group of vampires. I’m just saying it’s a possibility.

“Buffy, this is important. Now I know that you and Faith are very different and you may not always get along, but now is the time to set aside your petty differences and work together. It’s your job as slayers to stop these vampires and hopefully before they execute their plans.” Woe, woe, woe, hold on a sec. There is nothing petty about the fight we had. Look it up in a dictionary and it won’t be anywhere near petty. In fact, look petty up in a thesaurus and it’ll say what happened with Faith is an antonym. Wow, I have got to stop paying attention in English.

“We didn’t get into a fight because we’re different. We got into a fight because….” Crap, I totally almost spilled the beans. He’s looking at me with that curious look again. I need to come up with something and fast. “Because on patrol she…she can be a little…reckless, and I think one of these days she’s going to get herself hurt really bad.” He’s looking at me like he knows I’m lying, but all I do is stare back at him.

“You do have a point, although wouldn’t it be best if you were to patrol with her in case she loses control of a situation and needs help?” Damn, I should’ve thought that lie out a little more. His point is way better then mine. Ok, so I can either lie some more, tell him the truth of avoid the entire thing and leave. I guess luck is on my side today because the bell just rang which means it’s time to get to class. I pick up my back pack and practically jump out of my seat.

“Good point Giles. I’ll tell Faith you want us to patrol but if she doesn’t want to I can’t make her. Well, I gotta go, I’ll see you after school!” I yell as I make a mad dash for the door. I need to be careful. I totally almost told Giles that I’m in love with Faith. It’s not just love, I kind of hate her too. I know that’s probably wrong because I’m the one who couldn’t just eave it alone but what else was I supposed to do?

When you love someone you’re supposed to show them. You’re not supposed to just give up. At least that what I’ve been taught by not only mom but throughout history. Did Jack let that asshole get in the way of having Rose? No, he didn’t. Then again only hours later he froze to death in the Atlantic Ocean so maybe that’s not the best example. I will admit that karma totally kicked his ass.

That’s not the point. The point is they loved each other, and they were going to run off together. They would’ve been happy if he had only shoved some more stuff under that door to make it strong enough for both of them. Faith isn’t willing to risk everything and I get it. She doesn’t want to lose her daughter, and from what I’ve seen Faith loves her daughter more then anything. Then again from what I’ve seen Tanner is a great guy, and according to Faith he’s not. Is she lying? Is she just saying that he’s bad to make himself feel better about what happened?

I think I would die a little inside. I know I sound totally emo, but I think I would. I told her I love her, I shared something with her I’ve only shared with one other person. Of course it means something to me. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t just lusty teenage hormones caught up in the heat of the moment. I gave into my feelings for her, and she took all I had. The only problem is she won’t take it because someone else is stopping her. She’s afraid, and I get it. So now what do I do?

Bambi didn’t just sit back and let that mean boy deer steal Faline away from him. He fought for her, and they ended up having twins. And the Beast didn’t let that mean pretty boy asshole get Belle. Sure he took a beating but when he saw the love of his life come back to try and help him he stepped up and put that ass in his place, and they got their happily ever after. I know that these were Disney cartoons, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure there are plenty of old love stories somewhere in the library about two people wanting to be together but someone else was already in the picture.

But this isn’t like it used to be. I can’t just win him in a fight (which I totally would slayer powers or no) and Faith and I ride off into the sunset. We can’t live with my mom forever, and I know Faith is going to want to move out eventually. How would I be able to afford to support us all? I don’t even have a job now. I’ve never had a job. I need to go to college and I can’t help Faith raise a baby and do that at the same time. Maybe I should just back off and let Tanner have Faith. At least he’s trying to support them.

I’m sure everything will work out. I can get a job, and we’d eventually move out of Mom’s house and into our own apartment. She’d have to get a job too though, and hire a babysitter. I’m sure Faith wouldn’t care. We would be together and happy, and Tanner would get Sam every other weekend. See, I can be civil about this. It’s not like I want to cut Tanner out of their lives completely. Ok, I do, but I won’t be a bitch about it.

“Hey Buffy.” Holy fuck! Willow scared the hell out of me. I glare at her and she just smiles. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she did that on purpose. “I thought we were going to hang out in the library?” The bell that rang wasn’t really the ‘go to class bell’. I have a free period in the morning that I spend in the library training. I didn’t want to stay in there with Giles though. The bell that rang, in case you’re wondering, was the ‘it’s time for break bell’.

“Hey Will. We were, but I thought hanging out in the quad would be a nice change of pace. We’re always in that stuffy library. I think some fresh air would do us both some good.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and lead her towards the quad.

“What’s up with you? You’re acting a little strange today.” Dammit, I hate that she knows me so well. “You’ve been acting a little off for a while now. Especially whenever Faith is around.” Shit, Willow knows. I know she knows or else she wouldn’t be asking. And the way she said Faith’s name it’s like she’s fishing for information. Yep, that’s exactly what she’s doing.

“Nothing’s up. I just don’t want to be cooped up in the library when it’s a perfect day outside. And I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing going on with me and Faith.” Smooth, Buffy, very smooth. I’m going to nominate you for the award fro being the smoothest girl on Earth.

“I didn’t say there was. What happened?” Oh God, now she definitely knows something is up. I really, really hate my big mouth. Why do I have to talk so much all the time? Life would be so much easier if I could just get things right. “Come on, Buff, I’m your best friend you can tell me anything.” Great, now I have guilt. Could this day get any worst?

“Will, there’s nothing going on,” I tell her and run my hand through my hair. My arm isn’t around her shoulders anymore. I hold onto the straps of my backpack and just look straight ahead while we keep walking down this very long hallway.

“Buffy, I know you, and I can tell when you’re hiding something. If you wanna talk about it somewhere private then w can talk at your place after school. You can blow off one day of training, right?” Normally I would jump at the chance to skip training, but we can’t go back to my house. Faith is there with Sam, and she still doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s really stupid because people are going to find out eventually.

“Normally I would say yeah, but I want to get some training in. Those Nazi vamps haven’t made a move yet which can only mean something bad, and I want to be ready for them.” I can tell she’s going to suggest that maybe we can hang out at my house after training, it’s something we’ve done hundreds of times. “I’m just on edge because of these vampires. Faith and I fought two of them and they were tough. I don’t really want to imagine what it’ll be like to take on an army.”

“Since we’re talking about Faith.” Oh crap, I just had to say her name again and remind Willow about the original subject. I force myself to look calm even though I’m kind of freaking out on the inside. I just hope I don’t spas out. “Have you talked to her lately?” Ok that doesn’t sound like a loaded question or anything. I have to be careful though because she could know something and is just asking questions to get my reaction.

“Not in the last couple of days, no.” I have to fight the urge to ask why she’s asking. If I get too curious about her reasoning then she’ll get suspicious and start digging for answers. Knowing Willow she’d probably drop by my house unexpected for some girl time, and that would be bad on so many levels. “Why?” I couldn’t help myself.

“It just seems like she doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore. She hasn’t been coming here when she normally does, and she’s hardly ever at the Bronze. Do you think maybe something’s wrong.” Ok, how am I supposed to answer that? I can’t tell her the truth, obviously, but if I lie then she’ll know something’s up. Alright, I just need to stay calm and think because too much time is going by.

“I don’t know. Maybe she found some people more on her…wavelength to hang out with. It’s not like we have a lot in common. Maybe she was just hanging out with us so she wouldn’t be bored all day.” I’ll admit I’m still really angry even though I’m trying really hard not to be. These feelings are really strong and they’re not going away like I want them to.

“Maybe.” Great, now Willow sounds sad and a little confused because I got so mad. I really need to learn to control my emotions. Then again I think I’ve shown a great deal of control. I haven’t ran my fist through Tanner’s face, and I think that is very big of me. “Although we haven’t exactly made her an official scooby member. She might feel left out. Maybe we should invite her over for some girl time. We could order pizza and watch movies.” I can’t help but smile a little. That’s Willow for you, always has to make everyone feel included.

“That sounds good. We could turn it into a sleep over if you think your mom will let us spend the night.” Oh, I’m good I knew she was talking about having it at my house and I flipped it without being obvious or anything. She nods her head a little bit and we stop walking in front of her locker.

“That’s a good idea Buffy.” She smiles one of those big Willow-smiles, and puts some books in her locker and takes two more out. At least she’s not suspicious anymore. “My parents are out of town so it won’t be a problem. Call me after patrol tonight and tall me what Faith says. I need to know how many pizzas to order before I pull money out of my account.” I nod my head and ignore the subtle insult. Now there are only two problems. One: how am I going to convince Faith to have a slumber party with us? And two: how am I going to act with Faith in the same room and a lack of adult supervision?

Chapter Seventeen

I have no idea how I’m going to do this. I mean, it’s completely impossible. Not only will she be pissed off for me asking her, but she’ll be mad that I put it off for so long. And in case you haven’t been paying attention I’m talking about the whole ‘Willow wanting a sleep over with Faith and I’ thing. Really now, people try to keep up.

Anyway, the sleep over idea was discussed and agreed upon on Monday, and it’s now Friday. My date with Scott was cancelled because he’s grounded for the next two weeks so it’s not like I can use that as an excuse for not going. The thing is I still haven’t spoken to Faith since that night at the Bronze. You know, when I did my little love confession thing. And I’m supposed to be at Willow’s house, Faith by my side, in less then an hour.

So I guess I need to be brave about this. All week I’ve been staying out of Faith’s way, but now it’s time I go into the kitchen and talk to her. I’m sure she’ll see reason once I explain the situation to her. If I have to play a little dirty then so be it. The idea of hanging out with Faith and Willow isn’t a bad one. Of course I’m thinking of the Faith from two weeks ago before things got awkward and tense.

I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Ok, I can do this. I walk into the kitchen and see something I definitely didn’t want to. Faith and Tanner are sitting at the center island sharing a bowl of ice cream. He has an arm wrapped around her waist and she’s sitting as close as she can get. If she were any closer she’d be sitting on his lap. Stupid Tanner sharing moments with her that are sweet, and so normal that should be between Faith and me. Anyway, I clear my throat and they both look up. Faith instantly gets all tense, but Tanner has a little smile on his face.

“Tanner, can I talk to Faith alone for a second?” I look into his light brown eyes and he looks a little confused. I would be confused if I were him too. Faith and I haven’t said a word since last Saturday and suddenly I want to talk to her. Well not suddenly. All week I’ve wanted to say about a million different things but I haven’t out of respect for Faith. He looks over at her with a questioning look and I know exactly what he’s not saying.

“It’s ok,” Faith says and puts her spoon down. She looks at him with a gentle smile on her face. I’d kill to have her look at me like that for just a second. My God I sound so emo right now. “It’s almost bath time and it’s your night.” Her smile turns into a teasing one, and before he can say anything she gives him a little kiss on the lips.

“Ok, but remember it’s your turn to read a bed time story. If I have to read Sleeping Beauty one more time I might go insane.” He leaves another kiss on her lips and I think they’re acting so cute and coupley just to make me jealous. And it’s totally working. He gets up and leaves the room, and I can’t stop myself from glaring at him as he walks by. Now that he’s gone it’s just me and Faith, and a whole lot of tension.

“So B, what do you want?” To say Faith doesn’t sound happy would be the biggest understatement of the year. I look into her eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest. The expression in those big brown eyes hardens and it’s almost like she’s daring me to say something. I take in a deep breath and prepare myself for a very bad reaction.

“I know the last think you want to do is be around me, and I don’t blame you. You have every right to be pissed off and never speak to me again.” I stop and take another deep breath. She’s starting to look a little annoyed. “But Willow thinks you feel left out because you’re not an official scooby member and she wants to spend some time with you to make sure you know that you’re our friend. I tried to convince her that nothing’s wrong, but she can be stubborn when she wants to be.”

“Yeah, I know someone else like that,” she says sounding just as annoyed as she looks. Ok, I totally deserved that. I’m not going to let this conversation turn into an argument so I’ll just ignore her smart ass remarks. “What exactly does this gotta do with me?”

“She wants us to spend the night at her house tonight for some girl time.” Now she looks mad. I knew this conversation was going to suck. “I think we should just do it and get it over with. Until she sees you and sees that everything is fine she’s going to start digging to try and find out why you haven’t been around as much. And she doesn’t know that you’re living here so eventually she’ll come over and find out about everything you’re trying to hide.” She still looks mad, but she also look a little scared.

The room is dead quiet while she sits there and thinks. I’d love to be able to hear all of the things she’s thinking, but at the same time I really don’t. I already know that she hates me. I don’t need to hear about it too. I feel really guilty already for what I did, the type of pressure I put on her, and how she can’t stand to be around me so I don’t need anything added to it.

“Fine.” What? What did she just say? There’s no way she agreed. “I’ll have some ‘girl time’ with you guys but I’m only doin it once. It’s not gonna become a regular thing.” I have to force myself not to smile. Maybe if we spend some time together she’ll want to be around me again. It’s a lot to hope for but I’m staying optimistic. “And don’t expect me to start comin around the library again.” I was hoping we’d save this part for later, but ok.

“Faith you need to show up at least once a week. If you don’t start coming in for training then Giles and Wesley are going to start looking for you. Look, I know you’re pissed off, and I know you hate me, but if we don’t act like everything is fine then everyone is going to start getting suspicious.” Her face is still a hard mask of anger and annoyance, but her eyes look, I don’t, kinda sad now.

“I’ll try, but I’m not gonna promise anything. Tanner might get promoted.” To what, a bag boy? “So his hours might be changing.” I nod my head a little and look down at the bowl. The rest of the ice cream melted and now is a chocolate puddle. Ok, well, this is pretty awkward. “So what time is Red expecting us?” I look at the little clock on the microwave and sigh.

“In about fifteen minutes.” I glance over at her and the annoyance on her face just went from a six to an eight. But that sadness in her eyes hasn’t gone away. I want to ask about it, ask her what it is I said to make them look like that, but I keep my mouth shut. If we’re going to get through this night without her killing me and making it look like a painful accident I better start keeping it shut more. “She has extra toothbrushes and sleeping bags so all you need is some pjs, and fresh clothes for tomorrow.” She stands up and lets out a small sigh.

“Alright, I’ll be back down in five minutes.” Meaning: stay down here if you know what’s good for you. I want her as she walks out of the room and if I didn’t know any better I’d say she’s putting a little something extra in her step just for me. Ok, so that worked out a lot better then I thought it was going to. I actually got her to see reason without much of a fight at all. I also got her to agree to come into the library more often. Well, sort of. As long as the douche doesn’t get promoted then she might start coming back in.

Well that was possibly the most awkward ten minutes of my entire life. Even though it felt like an eternity I know it was only ten minutes because that’s how long it takes to walk to Willow’s house. Faith didn’t say a word the entire walk over. She sighed a few times, and held her breath when she thought a vampire or something was hiding behind a trash can but it was just a stray dog.

It’s not like I was being a chatter box either. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say something I’d accidentally ask about that look I saw in her eyes and that would just make things worst. She’s finally staying around me for more then two seconds that’s progress right? Then again she’s only around me because I practically black mailed her. Great, now I’m no better then that stupid douche bag.

I ring the door bell and wait. The lights are on so Willow is home. I think it’s a little messed up that her parents are gone. They just got back from a month long trip to New York not so long ago and now they’re gone again. I don’t know how someone can put their careers before their children. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have children. Slayers don’t live past their early twenties. So I’ll be dead long before I find mister right and settle down.

Then again I could always settle down with Faith. It’s crossed my mind a lot, if you haven’t noticed. We could get a nice house with a white picket fence, buy a mini-van, get a Golden Retriever, and live the cliché. She’s a slayer too so she understands the demands of the job. She’s not a guy so she won’t have the need to be more macho then me or whatever. We can raise Sam together, and be happy.

I glance over at her and my breath catches in my throat for a few seconds. She has her hair pulled back, and her make-up is a lot lighter then it usually is. Any other time I would describe her as sexy or hot, but right now in the porch light she looks beautiful. I turn a little bit so I’m slightly facing her. I want to tell her so many things I don’t know where to start.

“Hey guys,” Willow says when she opens the door. And the perfect timing award goes to…Willow Rosenberg, come on down, take a bow. I shouldn’t be mad at her. I should probably thank her for stopping me from making an ass out of myself. “The pizza got here a few minutes ago so let’s eat.” I glance at Faith and she has a very fake smile on her face.

“Nice Red. B didn’t mention there’d be pizza.” She walks in the house and I have to admit she’s pretty at this whole ‘acting like nothing’s wrong’ thing. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to act like that or not. I hope so because the last thing I need is Willow getting curious with both me and Faith here.

“I rented a couple movies so take a look and pick one. You’re the special guest tonight Faith, so why don’t you pick the first one?” I smile a little at the slightly weirded out look on her face. She’s still not used to being around Willow. It’ll probably take a while for her to get used to perky-Willow. The only Willow she’s really been around is researchy-Willow and my-boyfriend-is-in-the-band-Willow.

“Ok, Red. Hey B, why don’t you pick me out a couple slices while I put this in?” What am I, her servant girl? Does she want me to say ‘yes mistress’ and take a bow before I get her some pizza? I’ll admit that my mood now doesn’t really make sense. You’d think I’d be happy that she’s talking to me. Then again this isn’t the real Faith that’s relaxed and putting in some random movie. This is the ‘I’m only doing this to make Red happy’ Faith.

I get Faith some pizza and sit down on the couch next to Willow and start eating mine. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she walks across the room and sits down next to me. Ok, this is the closest that we’ve been since the Bronze. I can smell her perfume perfectly, and I can feel her body heat radiating off of her. Oh yeah, this is going to be hell. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through tonight without slipping up and doing something stupid.

So far tonight hasn’t been so bad. We suffered through a horrible B-list horror movie that left me feeling dazed, confused, and a little empty. Luckily this one is better. It’s a love story so Faith isn’t having a lot of fun. At least I don’t think she is. I really don’t see Faith being the romance movie type. Willow is completely enthralled by it. Her eyes haven’t left the TV since the first ten minutes. I keep glancing over at Faith and she looks a little bored.

I stiffen when I feel something brush against my hand. I look down and I see Faith’s hand right next to mine, and her pinky finger is lightly caressing mine. I look up at her face and she’s staring at the TV with a look of concentration on her face. Ok, so maybe she doesn’t realize she’s doing it? But that’s dumb, of course she knows what she’s doing. So what does this mean exactly? Who fucking cares?! I’m just glad she’s here.

I keep my eyes on the TV just in case Willow glances over. She can’t see our hands because I have a very large bowl of popcorn sitting on my lap. I’m not paying attention to a word that’s being said. All I can concentrate on is the feel of Faith’s hand as she gently caresses mine. I know it’s completely insane but I’m actually getting a little turned on by this. That’s definitely not making this easier.

It only feels like minutes but I guess a long time has gone by because the movie is over. Willow says she promised Giles she’d help him look through some books tomorrow morning so we’re going to bed a lot earlier then we usually would when we have a sleep over. Whenever I sleep over at Willow’s house, and vise versa, we always share a bed but my redheaded friend thinks it would be a good idea if we all sleep on the floor. I guess she doesn’t want Faith to feel left out.

I don’t know how long it’s been since Will turned the lights out, but I can tell she’s asleep. She’s mumbling something about tadpoles in her Fruit Loops, and every once in a while she’ll let out a little snort. Do I make that much noise when I sleep? Go I hope not. I don’t know if Faith is asleep or not. I haven’t heard anything from my left side in a while. Yeah, I’m in the middle again. I don’t know how I always end up in the middle but it happens and it’s annoying.

“Buffy,” I hear Faith whisper. I don’t move a muscle. I force myself to stay calm and pretend to be asleep. I really don’t feel like talking to her right now. Willow could wake up and find out about us and that would be bad. I have no idea how she’d react if she found out. I know Xander wouldn’t care, he’s just drool a lot, but Willow? Not a clue. “Buffy are you asleep?” Did she really just ask that? Like I’m going to reply ‘yeah, I am, could you come back later?’

I hear her shuffle around in her sleeping bag and the next thing I know I feel her fingertips lightly caressing my forehead. She’s been very touchy-feely tonight. First on the couch and now this. What is going on inside that head of hers? I have to force myself not to respond to the touches because I really want to scoot over just a little bit so I can snuggle up to her. But I can’t do that obviously.

“B, I don’t hate you,” she whispers very softly. If I didn’t have slayer hearing I wouldn’t have heard that. I’m totally confused. If she doesn’t hate me then why has she been avoiding me? I hate feeling blonde, it sucks. “I wanna tell you how much I love you but I can’t.” Oh God, I think I’m going to cry. She loves me? Like she really, really loves me? “Just stop thinkin I hate you, ok? Get it through that thick skull of yours.” Hey that’s no way to talk to the girl you love. Faith loves me, how cool is that? I feel her lips lightly press against mine for just a second and then just like that she’s gone. My life is so unfair.

Chapter Eighteen

Ok, here’s a little update on what’s been going on. It’s been exactly two weeks since the sleepover at Willow’s and things have gotten a little better in the Faith department. We’re not hanging out as much as we used to, and I wouldn’t really describe us as friends, but we’re working on it.

Besides I don’t think things could ever go back to the way they were before. Too much has happened that can’t be taken back or forgotten and I honestly don’t want to just be friends with Faith. At least no like the way we were. I want us to have meaningful talks. Maybe I can get her to open up about her home life and her obvious daddy issues.

Sorry about that, I got side tracked. Where was I? Oh yeah, so Faith and I are becoming friendly but things between me and Tanner have been chilly at best. He definitely knows something is going on and he doesn’t really like me and Faith spending so much time together. I’m with her when I get home from school, and we’re patrolling together again.

To answer your question, yes patrolling with her is a little awkward. She is always at least three feet away from me if she can help it. We had to fight a group of vampires the other night and we were back to back most of the time. We got so caught u pin the moment and everything just melted away. It was just her and me doing what we do best. Afterwards it was extremely awkward because of the double h’s, as Faith puts it, and there was tons of sexual tension.

Faith has also made a couple appearances at the Bronze, but she was mostly trying to keep the gang happy and thinking nothing is wrong. It’s working for the most part. Wesley is a little mad that she doesn’t come into the library that often but he hasn’t gone looking for her or anything. She’s starting to come in on Thursdays again so that’s something. She doesn’t want to train that much with me because she wants me. I can tell that she’s starting to get sexually frustrated, and it’s kind of sad, but amusing at the same time.

Hearing her and Tanner go at it for two and a half hours is never fun, but seeing her all twitchy the next morning because he can’t satisfy her puts a little smile on my face. She admitted to me awhile ago that since she became a slayer he can’t fulfill her, and our…encounter left her very satisfied, but now the frustration is building back up.

I can go on and on about Faith all day, so I’ll skip it for now. I have some other things to talk about. Those vampires that came to town and have been hiding out are finally starting to do something. At least we’re pretty sure it’s them. Four little girls have gone missing in the last two weeks. And two things I don’t believe in are unicorns and coincidences. I haven’t really been too worried about them because they were being so quiet, but now they’ve pissed me off.

Right now we’re in the middle of a scooby meeting, Faith included, and so far we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, we have gotten somewhere but it’s nowhere useful. I’m frustrated, Giles is annoyed, Willow is sad, Xander is worried, Faith is restless, Cordelia looks bored, and Oz is completely calm and blank faced like always. I don’t really know why Cordelia is here, it’s not like she’s helping or anything. She’s reading the latest addition of People while Giles and I argue.

“Giles, I get that this is dangerous, I really do. But I’m sick of just sitting around doing nothing and waiting for them to make a move. Faith and I should be out hunting them down and slaying them like they deserve!” You bet your ass I’m yelling. I’ve had enough of this bullshit. He puts his hands on the table and leans towards me a little. He looks pissed as hell and a little scary but I’m not backing down.

“It’s not that simple. We don’t know how many vampires there are. You two going out and hunting them like wild dogs is not only stupid, it’s suicidal. You’re angry because there’s a large chance that they’ve turned those four girls, we all are, but we need a plan if we’re going to defeat them once and for all.” I’ll admit only to myself that he has a point. But like that’s ever stopped me from arguing.

“You’re damn right I’m angry. Four little girls are dead, Giles. The oldest one was seven, and they were all killed on my watch. We need to start looking for them, we need to kill them, and now before anymore girls die.” Vampires, except for Angel, don’t have souls so there’s a possibility some very sick, fucked up things happened to those girls before they died.

“You are not to blame for what happened.” And here he goes with this crap. “What happened is a tragedy, but there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. Each girl was taken from a different part of town, and you can’t be everywhere at once.” I’m getting sick of his voice. Without saying anything I storm out of the library. It was totally dramatic, I know, but I can’t think clearly right now. I hear someone walking behind me but I don’t stop or even look back. I just want to be alone. I guess that’s not going to happen considering I’m being pulled into an empty classroom.

“Let go,” I say and tug my arm free. I turn around in time to see Faith shutting the door. The room is pretty dark because the only light is coming on through the little window thing on the door. I can still see pretty good though because of my slayer eyesight. I’m silent as Faith turns around and stands about six inches in front of me. She’s really close and I don’t wan that right now.

“Alright, B, it’s time to calm down. I get that you’re pissed but takin it out on Giles isn’t gonna help.” I back away from her and lean against one of the desks. She didn’t read the newspaper like I did, so she doesn’t know why I’m so pissed. A family was just passing through Sunnydale on their way to LA, and decided to stay here for the night. While they were sleeping their motel room was broken in and their five-year-old daughter was taken. It was the same motel Faith used to live at.

“I don’t care right now. I haven’t been doing my job, Faith.” I look down at my hands and then back into her eyes. She looks a little confused, and she also has this look like ‘well, go on’. “Things have been so crazy lately because of…everything that’s happened and I haven’t been patrolling as much as I used to. If I had been out there trying to find these vampires then this wouldn’t have happened.” She gets closer until she’s right in my personal space.

“You don’t know that for sure. I’m a slayer too, this is just as much my fault as it is yours.” No, it’s not. It’s different because this is my town. Faith has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want to stay in Sunnydale permanently and I have to because of the hellmouth. “You know I hate agreein with watchers but Giles is right. We don’t know how many of those vamps are out there out there, and if we hunt them down and we’re not ready then we’re dead, and that’s not an option.” I really don’t want to use a scare tactic, but here it goes.

“One of those girls was taken from the motel you were staying at.” She looks a little surprised so I keep going. “It could’ve been Sam, Faith. If things were different and you didn’t move in with us it could’ve been her.” I open my mouth to say more but she puts a finger on my lips to keep me quiet. I kind of hate her right now.

“Stop it. I know what you’re doin and it’s not gonna work. Things aren’t different, and it wasn’t her.” Her finger moves from my lips and now she’s gently cupping my cheek. I take in a shaky breath as she steps a little closer to me. The look in her eyes is so intense and I can feel myself getting lost in them. “We’re going to find them and we’re going to stop them. It’s what we do best, girlfriend. Kill the baddies and lookin good doin it.”

“But what about those little girls, Faith?” Now that my adrenaline isn’t pumping anymore I have tears in my eyes. “Killing those vampires isn’t going to bring them back. We can never make up for what they did.” The tears slowly run down my face and Faith uses her thumbs to brush them away. She’s so close to me now that I can feel her body brushing against mine. My breathing stops when she closes the distance between our mouths. My eyes slide shut when I feel her soft lips press against mine. They feel so much better then I remember.

It only lasts a few seconds, and she very slowly pulls away. Both of her hands are on my face now and her fingers are lightly petting my cheeks. The way she’s touching me, the look in her eyes right now just everything about her demeanor it’s like I’m the most delicate thing in the world and she’s trying so hard not to break me. But the way she’s standing up perfectly straight, and the way her body is pressed against mine it’s also like she’s silently telling me she’s going to protect me. From what I’m not sure.

Going against all of my better judgment I lean forward and kiss her. This one isn’t a soft, comforting kiss that only lasts mere seconds. Not at all. Sure it’s pretty soft, and I do feel comforted, but it’s different because almost as soon as my lips touch hers our tongues are out and very ready. She takes control right away, and her tongue gently massages mine. Her right hand moves from my face to the small of my back.

She pulls me against her and we’re touching in all of the right places. I turn my head a little to the side and roll my tongue against hers like I’m trying to say an ‘r’ sound in Spanish. A small moan escapes her throat and I wrap my arms around her neck. We haven’t even been kissing for five minutes and already I want her. My body is ready for her to take me, and I definitely wan her to.

She pulls back and ends the kiss. We’re both panting very roughly and our heavy breathing is the only sound in the room. My heart is racing and if the flush on her face is an indicator then so is hers. She leans her forehead against mine and closes her eyes. I’d give anything to know what’s running through her mind right now. I don’t move and I concentrate on slowing down my breathing while I wait to see what she’s going to do.

When she opens her eyes I can just tell that this moment is over. It isn’t just her and me anymore, hiding away from the rest of the world, and trying to comfort each other. Now it’s Faith, me, and all of the reasons why this is wrong. It doesn’t stop her from rubbing the tip of her nose against mine, and I smile a big goofy smile.

“You’re a little bit of a dork,” I say and pull my head back so I can look at all of her face. She smiles back and she lets go of me. I do the same thing even thought I really don’t want to.

Well, I don’t like seeing you cry.” I didn’t know Faith could be this sweet. I know she has a soft side. All you have to do is watch her with Sam and you can see that she can be gentle, and sweet and that she isn’t this hardcore, badass girl. Just when I think she’s going to say something totally sweet and cute again she gets this look in her eyes and I know it’s over.

“We should get back,” I tell her and she nods her head a little. “Someone might come looking for us. We’ve been gone for a while.” I look into her eyes like I’m trying to study them or something. I can just tell that she doesn’t want to leave. She wants to be with me, but she can’t an she looks so torn. I sigh a little and walk passed her. If she wasn’t going to make the first move to leave then I had to or I probably would’ve kissed her again.

When I get out into the hall I hear her walking behind me. She walks a little faster until she’s right next to me. We walk towards the library in silence and it’s a little awkward. I hate that it’s like this between us. I hate that I can’t just reach over and hold her hand. I hate that I can’t grab onto her arm and press her up against the lockers and kiss her like I really want to.

I’ve had enough of all this bullshit. She loves me too, I know she does, and we’re both legal adults so there shouldn’t be anything stopping us. Being an adult is about making choices and sticking by them. Life is about finding the things that are worth having and fighting for them with all you’ve got. Ever since I was a little kid those are the things people have been telling me, and now I’m ready to make a choice. I’m ready to fight with everything I have to win Faith over. To prove to her that we can work as a couple.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” I say as we enter the library. There’s no way we don’t look totally badass right now. “Faith and I will up our patrolling, and take along some extra weapons just in case. We’ll find where these vampires are hiding and do some recon. We’ll try to count how many there are without being seen and take out all of the ones we can without getting caught. When we have proof that there are too many for us to handle then we’ll meet again for strategy talks but until then we’re going after them like there’s a bounty.” Not one of my best speeches but they all look impressed.

I don’t know exactly how I’m going to prove to Faith that I love her, and convince her that we can be together. I guess I need to go right to the source of the problem. I need to find out everything I can about Tanner. He’s the one I’m up against so I need a plan, and lots of information for that plan and I need it fast. I need to know why Faith is so afraid of him because that’s the key. If she feels like she can trust me and that I’ll protect her then I stand a chance. I might have to play a little dirty but all is fair in love and war, right?

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