PART 30
“Tonight I'm taking you out Buffy, you told me you liked Chinese food a while ago so I checked and there's a very famous one 3 blocks away from here?”
Chinese food. I remember, I discovered it the first time I ate at Faith's.... I remember.
“Buffy?”
“Oh, err sorry.” Poor daddy, he's trying so hard but I just can't help it, “I'd rather stay home if you don't mind.”
“No, of course.” He sounds like... he doesn't know what to do anymore. I feel that but I can't help it. I can't feel better. I’m trying but I can’t. The medicine the doctor gave me doesn’t help. Well, helps me sleep but not ‘get better’ or smile…
“So, do you have plans for this weekend?”
Oh, right, I didn't even realize it was Friday. It's like I do things without even thinking about it. I go through everything in motions right now.
“No.”
“Nate's not coming?”
“No.”
I didn't tell dad I broke up with him. Well, actually I told Nate it wasn't gonna work and he apologized for forcing me and that he had a few drinks. I told him he didn't force me and it was ok, but it just wasn't working. He said we just needed time apart and he said he would wait. I didn't have much in me to keep arguing so I said fine, but being with him, being with anyone is the last thing I want now. I feel empty inside but I know no one can fill that hole. Daddy kept me home on Monday cause I really looked awful. I hadn't even slept on Sunday evening either. He asked me all week long, nicely, to talk to him but he got the same answers all the time. Well actually he got no answers.
I saw her 3 times this week, or I think it was her, in a classroom and in the corridors, talking with some guys... I didn't even wonder anymore, I just walked by.
Jessica told me she was looking for me yesterday and that she would be there at the cafeteria but... I didn't show up... I'm not eating much actually these days, but even without that... I felt awfully panicky at the thought of her standing in front of me. I'm afraid of this now because I know nothing she says is gonna make this better. And there's nothing I can say that could make it better either. And I’m afraid of what might happen if I get... weak… and let her… let us… I know it wouldn’t change anything. She made it clear, she didn't even let me tell her I loved her, and now I'm not even sure what it means anymore.
I don't want to hurt like this...
So I didn't show up... Part of me misses her so much like it's unimaginable to miss someone. But the other part of me wants to run away, so far away from that pain. It wants to not love her anymore...
How can I do that if I see her every day?
I used to never see her when I wanted to and now I seem to run into her every day? How weird is life?
“Or maybe Coney Island if you want?”
“Huh what?” Damn, he was talking to me... “Err, no, I-I have schoolwork to do. I gotta finish it. I’ll see you for dinner.”
He nods. He looks so bad. I try to not cry when I'm around him but sometimes I can't help it. It's like I have no control anymore. One minute I think I'm ok, and the next I just wanna hang myself...
Tuesday. I didn't see her today, just like yesterday. I didn't see anyone in fact. I think I didn't look. When is it gonna get better? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like that?
It's like I'm here, but I'm not here.
I'm doing some homework on the living's room table. I thought I would stay here to show daddy I'm better. Well, to try and convince him I'm better, cause he worries so much. And since I was here, he did his paperwork here instead of going to his study. It makes me feel a little better I admit, but not that much.
A knock on the door. I can't help thinking it's her and starting to run into her arms... First idea through my mind, but I don't. I don’t get up, I just stare at the door cause I know it's not her, and I know I wouldn't even do it if it was her.
Dad gets up. I just hope it's not Nate, because I'm not in the mood. Otherwise I don't care who it is.
“Good evening Mister Summers.”
“Miss Jenkins. Evening to you too.”
“Sarah? It's Sarah oh my God, something happened to Faith?” This time I get up.
“I'm sorry to bother you but I need to talk to Buffy.”
“I don't think this is a good idea.”
“I understand your reluctance but it is very important that I talk to her.”
“Miss Jenkins, Buffy's not in-“
“Daddy, please.”
She sounds so worried. I need to know what's wrong. If she's alright.
Good, he steps aside. I know he's just trying to protect me. I get that now.
“You can sit here Miss Jenkins.”
“Actually I'd rather talk to Buffy in private if you don't mind.”
Oh yes he does mind... but he walks to the kitchen. I know he can still hear us from there but that's the best we'll get from him.
“I'm sorry to come here, Buffy. I thought things might not be easy for you either, and seeing that you've got bigger rings than Faith does, I guess I was right.”
I don't have anything to say about that.
“And I wouldn't want to bring any more trouble on you Buffy, but the thing is; I'm getting desperate now and I'm out of ideas, I've tried everything. But you're the only one who's ever had an influence on her.”
“I don't know wh-“
“She's in trouble Buffy.”
My throat clenches. I knew that already but hearing it pains me more.
“She's going down a path no one can stop. She skips most of her classes, she hangs out in bar I wouldn't even dare to stop in to ask for my way. She brings boys, older boys home. When she does come home. It's, I can't talk to her anymore. I don't have any hold. It's been going on for a while, getting worse day by day... Please, if you can-“
“I can't.” God I feel awful. She looks at me with despair.
“Buffy, if I can't stop her she will have to go back to Boston. I had my sister on the phone a couple days ago and I can tell you this is the last thing Faith needs. I'm ready to beg you, Buffy. I know things have been hard for you but I'm really ready to beg you to-“
“Please don't... It wouldn't change anything except break my heart some more to hear you. To hear more of this. I wish... I wish I could do something but... I can't. She won't listen to me anymore... I've lost... I've lost the connection. I've lost... her.” I know dad is listening but I can't... I've lost her, I really did.
I know I'm crying now. Sarah gets up. She kisses me on the forehead... “Take care of yourself, Buffy.” I can't stop crying.
She's gone. Dad is looking at me. I can't... I can't stand this pain anymore.
“I need to go-“
I'm choking in my tears once more and I'm gonna be crying tonight, all night long again. I know that. He knows that too.
Dad had to pick me up at school today. I was at the counselor's office. He tried to talk to me while I was waiting for dad. He asked me what was wrong and why I broke down crying suddenly in the middle of the class. I couldn't reply. And really I don't know.
Again with that control thing. It's like I'm losing it.
So of course they called dad. I thought he would be mad, interrupting him like that in the middle of the day... I didn't know what I was going to tell him but he just took me to Burger King. It makes me feel bad that he's so used of me not eating at lunch anymore. He knows I force myself to eat at dinner, because he's here. So anyway, he didn't ask anything and just took me out.
And now I'm in my room, trying NOT to cry because I know he's in the living room and I wish he wouldn't see me crying anymore. Hell I wish I wouldn't cry anymore but I can't help it.
Knocking on the door.
“Yes?”
“How are you feeling dear?”
“I'm alright.” I'm a liar. But I already knew that right?
“Well, I was thinking...” He hesitates, “Alright I just had your mother on the phone and we agreed that you should go see her this weekend. It would do you good.”
“But I thought I was going there for the Christmas holidays, and it's in just one week.”
“Yes, you're still going don't worry. But I think you need a change of air now.”
I can't agree more. I’m suffocating here. NYC's sky fell on me and now I can’t breathe anymore.
“I-. Alright. Are you sure it's-“
“Don't worry about the money, Buffy. Just make your bag ready and I'll make a reservation.”
“Now, you mean NOW? I mean. It's Thursday? I still have school tomorrow.”
“It's alright; I’ll call and tell them you're sick. It's more important to spend one more day with your mother.”
I nod. It'll probably do me good to be out of this town... But then it's only gonna get harder to be back here...
I should not think about it...
Let's make my bag.
“Oh Buffy I'm so happy to have you here. God my poor baby, your father was right. I hate to see you like that.”
“I’ll be alright mom, don't worry. I’ve just been… tired.”
“And you've lost weight, Buffy. I’m gonna take care of you now.”
She's holding me tightly... Finally, I feel good, a little.
And it's sunny here, as always. Warms the heart somehow. I need to feel better to face next week, NY and... Her.
I feel a little better today. We're at the mall, it's Saturday and it's a little crowded but people are relaxed though. It's not like in NY. People are never relaxed in Manhattan. Yesterday she brought me to the beach. It's really not far from where she leaves. It's nice. We ate there. She tried to talk to me but I'm glad she didn't insist. And we've been talking about anything but NY since then and it's just better like that. She showed me the place she wants to open her gallery in. It really sucks she can't get that loan and has to keep that part time secretary job. She didn't say anything about all that though, she really showed me lots of stuff.
I think I finally slept a whole night without waking up for the first time in two weeks. Dad was right to send me here this weekend. I just hope I can keep being strong and better there too.
“Where are we going now?”
“You'll see.”
I hope it's not the zoo. She said something about it. I wonder why she's showing me around so much. I'm gonna be there for two weeks for Christmas. She should leave some for then.
“What's that building?” Sunnydale High School. Looks nice. And at least it's recognizable. It's a real high school building. It doesn't look like the building next door!
“Do you like it?”
“Err... It's a high school mom.”
“I know honey.”
“Why are you smiling like that? I mean,” yes it's really weird in fact, “why are you showing me around and asking me if I like it all the time? What's going on?”
“Well, I was waiting to be here to tell you anyway. Your father and I had a long discussion the other day and, well, Buffy if you don't want to leave tonight, well, let's say that you don't have to.”
“Wha-what do you mean?”
“I've checked with the principal here and if you want to, I can go finish your registration this week and you can start at Sunnydale High next trimester, after the holidays.”
I don't know what to say. I'm looking at this school right now. It's empty because it's Sunday yet it seems alive. And the sun shining on it makes it seem warm. Or maybe it's me. I'm not sure I really understood correctly. It can't be.
“But dad and-“
“You're not good there, he knows it, he's worried for you and so am I. I've wanted to have you here for so long, so much Buffy. It kills me to know you’re so down and so far away. And now you don't have to be.”
“But what about the gallery, and the social service or whatever? I thought they didn't agree-“
“I had my loan.”
“Really? You didn't tell me. I'm glad you did but, when... Who?”
She looks embarrassed now. I can't believe that, “It's daddy, right?”
She nods.
“He knew you needed that money months ago and he refused to even think about it then!”
“Buffy it's-“
“I was there when he called it a much too risky investment. Said you’d be a really bad business woman and would blow it. And I remember the tone in his voice.”
“Buffy, we all make mistakes. And that was a lifetime ago. It seems like that anyway. A lots of things happened in between. Also, it was just an idea then, now I was able to come up with a solid file to show him. Besides Buffy, you know what matters for us is you.”
If he'd done that earlier I wouldn't have been there, I wouldn't have met-
“Buffy. I know you started a new life there, you have friends, and I know there's also your boyfriend, Nate, so I understand your reluctance but just try to thin-“
“Please,”
“I'm sorry?”
“Please mom keep me here, please, I don't wanna go back.”
“Oh Buffy.”
I want to stay like that, in her arms forever. I want to feel safe and happy again.
“You're gonna be alright now, Buffy. I promise you.”
I don't know about that, but I wanna believe it.
SHE was right; I guess she always knew I would come live here one day. I would leave her. Maybe that's why she 'left' first. I'll write her a letter in a little while. When I feel better. I'll tell her how I feel and how sorry I am... I will tell her all this. Or maybe it won't matter so much in a little while...
I'm gonna put my life back in order. I'm gonna work hard at school to make mom AND dad happy. I'll have nice, healthy friends. Good, simple boyfriends. I think I really will join cheerleading again. It will be nice, just like in Emery before all this happened. Still no more slayer and no more 'feelings' like these. I’m well now.
I'm gonna be the perfect girl from now on, and I'm gonna live my life the way it should be. I'm gonna be strong now and stop the bullshit. I can do it...
I'm sure everything will work fine here.
Nice little town. Only good things ahead here... I know that.
THE END
