Chapter 24      

All my life
I've welcomed pain
I've made up more excuses
To bring it back again

Now I'm here
And I'll drink to the shame
I'll drink to the madness
That made me this way

-- Kasey Chambers

* * * * * *

Buffy was practically out of her chair before Tara had the chance to finish her warning. She could feel a cold chill winding up her spine, which she recognized now as that inkling of unease she had felt when Angel and Giles had entered the room. Glancing across at Angel didn't help - It was the first time…in a long time…Buffy had seen him truly *agitated*. His hands were balled tightly into fists, his trench coat swirling around him as he paced back and forth across the room.

Xander, Willow and Dawn exchanged worried glances, then Xander also rose. "I'll go get weapons." He offered.

Removing his glasses Giles pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Xander…just-" He stopped, his head tilted, lips curling into a cringe as if the words he were about to say were going to be physically painful. "Just…stop for a minute."

Xander paused and turned around to look at him, confused.

Buffy's jaw dropped open. The chill latched at the base of her neck and sent tingles into her feet.

"What? Why?" She demanded, her eyes darting around the room. "Why with the waiting? What part of `Faith's about to be killed' are we not understanding here?"

"It's not that simple, Buffy." Giles whispered.

Angel spun around. "NO!" He snarled. He pointed his finger squarely at Giles. "No we do *not* go down that road!"

Giles held his hand up in an invisible defense of his body. "Angel we may not have a choice."

"What road? WHAT ROAD?" Buffy's voice raised in pitch. Angel didn't so much as glance her way his eyes were so fiercely trained on Giles.
Buffy followed suit. "As far as I am concerned the only road we are talking about here is going out to save Faith's life!"

"Giles is right, you know." Anya spoke from behind them, arms crossed on the couch. "We need to think about this."

"Huh-" Xander and Willow started to say in unison, but were stopped.

A primeval growl lurched from Angel's throat – a noise that, at the very best would have made a person's stomach curdle, if not their blood run cold. He turned on Anya, revealing the distinct raised edges on his forehead and cheeks that spoke `vampire, do not cross'.

Xander, to his credit, recognized the potential danger immediately and took a few ginger steps toward the two. "Hey uh- Angel? I'm sorry but I can't let you eat my girlfriend."

"Stay out of this, Demon." Angel hissed at her obliviously.

"Angel? An-?"

Anya didn't so much as flinch. Instead, she slowly rose from her couch, her stare locked on Angel. "This is older than you, *Pijavica*." She spat out the last word with distaste. "Your selfishness would kill us all."

"Stop it! The *both* of you!" Buffy yelled, barging past Xander and planting herself between Anya and Angel. Gripping his collar with both hands she pushed him back, shaking him until he was forced to look at her, his features sinking back to normal. "Tell. Me. What. Is. Going. on." She punctuated each word with a shake.

"Yes. Tell her Angel." Anya dropped back onto the couch and crossed her arms again. Xander stood nervously beside her. Angel curled up his lip and looked away, a breath hissing through his lips.

Buffy raised her eyebrows high, jerking his collar so he would look at her again. Tears began to prick her eyes for reasons she couldn't explain. Just as she couldn't explain Angel. Couldn't explain Anya…couldn't explain Giles.

Couldn't explain the whole fucking situation.

"Tell me." She repeated.

"They want us to leave her out there." He growled.

It was as if the very air had been sucked out of the room. There was such deafening silence that they could have been in a vacuum. Willow and Xander were frozen in shock. Dawn covered her mouth with her hand and quietly sobbed. Anya, Angel and Giles remained in their
positions, unmoving. In the background, Tara put her arm around Dawn's shoulder and closed her eyes, a tear rolling down her cheek.

As the realization began to dawn on Buffy, her fingers slowly uncurled from around Angel's collar.

"WHAT!?"

"We're losing this, Buffy." Giles said quietly. "We don't even know how to win."

Willow, who had gathered her composure to an extent she could form words, also shook her head, looking worriedly to Tara. "We can't do that Giles..." She murmured.

Cold rage seeped into Buffy's expression. "Giles-" She warned, "I did not just hear that from you. We are not having this conversation."

"Yes, well we may not have a choice." Giles snapped. "We do not have a lot of options here and what's more-" He crossed the room to the desk and snatched the demon handbook off the table, wielding it in the air. "The stakes are higher than any of you could *ever* imagine."

"Oh *I* imagine.." Anya whispered.

Buffy rounded on her.

"So fucking explain it to us." She growled. "And make it quick."

"If Ammitus kills Faith, it will be free." Anya said simply.

Buffy snorted. "-yes yes I *know* that. We all fucking know that! Then it comes back and wreaks havoc for the next hundred years we *know*!"

"Not for the next hundred years." Angel said quietly.

Buffy blinked her eyes clear and spun back around. "…What?" She watched as he shook his head and his shoulders slowly sunk, as if in defeat. Disbelief turned into panic, and began to rise in her throat "What are you talking about?"

"If Ammitus takes Faith's soul, it will be free forever."

"What? Why!?" She demanded. "Why is Faith so special? Because she's a slayer?"

"Yes." Angel answered. "The woman who the Accountant fell in love with…she was a slayer too. The curse was borne of it. To walk the earth, it needs to meet its quota. To be free, it needs to find a slayer who would relinquish their life to it."

In the far reaches of Buffy's mind she could feel the tug of a small hand in hers.

"And because of that it's just easier for her to die now?" She retorted.

"There are so many things at stake here, if we fail."

"I don't care!" Buffy exclaimed. "As far as I'm concerned the only thing at stake here is whether we sit back and let Faith die. If Ammitus…does become released we can fight it – we've dealt with big bad before."

"Not like this."

"Giles!" She stalked up to him. "What the hell has happened to you!? It's always `not like this'! Every time-" She jabbed her finger at his shoulder. "Every time we come across something it's something different, something worse. That's what being a *slayer* is about!"

Giles lifted his hand and gently guided Buffy's arm away. "Buffy you have to understand. It's not just about Ammitus. If it were, then none of this would be in question. The council has met and decided this is the best course of action."

"The council?" Willow asked.

"Oh and they're known for their excellent decision making." Buffy spat. "Since when are we listening to them?"

"Buffy if we fail and Ammitus kills Faith, it'll not only be free, but the soul of a slayer will have been destroyed."

Willow suddenly lifted her head, her eyes wide.

Giles continued. "Then not only does it mean the death of a slayer, but it means the death of all slayers. At the very best, Buffy, you would be powerless. At the worst, you would also die. The slayer line would be destroyed forever. There would be nothing left to fight the evil."

"While it takes over the world." Xander finished for him. "Nice." He shook his head and buried his face in his hands. "Jesus."

"Buffy-" Giles started again. "Before Tara left we were under orders to intervene. Now…. We don't have to."

The conversation hovered around Buffy's ears for a moment, before colliding painfully with her eardrums. "No." She threw her hand upward, halting anything else he could say.

The tears that had come back to her eyes spilled mercilessly down her
cheeks. Unable to bring herself to look at him, or anyone, she simply watched them fall helplessly away to the floor.

"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up."

Panic gave way to anguish, anguish turned to desolation. Half of Buffy's body screamed at her to run…the other half demanded she tear the walls apart and bring the roof down on the whole lot of them.

"No." Buffy choked. She shook her head, firmly. "No…this doesn't make sense." She said again. "If we were going to lose the slayer line wouldn't that have happened right at the beginning? When the first one was killed?"

"We don't know why it happened that way." Giles said. "We only know what we risk now. It's…too much Buffy. The council is very firm on its position."

Closing her eyes Buffy could see nothing but the little dark haired girl, staring up at her from the side of the road, feet in the gutter, blood on her clothes and tear stains all over her cheeks. In her mind, the girl reached out towards her, dirty fingers outstretched, pleading for her to pull her out of the rain… help her…save her…

What was she doing? What were they doing?

A shot rang out, and before Buffy had a chance to see who it was, the girl's eyes turned to confusion, pain, then… nothing.

She fell away.

Buffy's eyes fell onto Angel. His eyes pleaded with her, knowing he could do nothing about the situation until the sun went down. She looked to Xander. To Willow. To Tara…the old, faithful group who had saved the world, and her, so many times. Even Giles….Anya….she knew them. She knew they didn't want this.

No.

"Fuck no." Buffy shook her head. "I won't do this. We can't do this. I really don't care what the stakes are. We've never been in this game of weighing one life against anyone else's."

"Buffy-"

"No Giles. No more. This is far bigger than us, yes. But I'm not going to sit back and wait for Faith's life to end." She turned to Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya. "When are we going to get another chance like this? A chance for us to *kill* Ammitus, rather than run
from it?"

Receiving no response, she nodded. "Exactly." Buffy looked back at Giles. "Giles I know you…I know you don't want to do this. None of you do." She held her hands out wide, the anger fading out of her eyes, to be replaced with a plea. "When have we ever given up, huh?"

The standoff between them lasted barely a minute. She watched Giles wage the war with what he knew to be right, and what he felt to be right. The odds were stacked well against them, he knew that, and he would always be the responsible one, no matter how much it cost him, how much it hurt.

Buffy knew that, too. If she hadn't, his jaw would have been well and truly broken by now.

Come on Giles….come on… She pleaded.

Slowly, Giles' shoulders lowered. He replaced his glasses on his nose, and the book on the table.

"Okay."

"That's settled, then." Xander slapped the side of the couch. "I'll get our things."

Despite the emotional rollercoaster they had all just witnessed, the level of energy and urgency since Tara's news had already returned. Buffy allowed herself a soft sigh of relief, before the call for action was back.

"Giles, you and Dawn stay here with Angel." She ordered. "Keep looking for answers on how the hell I'm supposed to kill Ammitus when the time comes." She smiled at Dawn's immediate scowl at being left behind. "It'll be getting close soon, Dawnie. I'll need an answer soon." She turned to the rest of the group. "Willow, An, Tara, I understand if you don't want to come-"

"Don't say it." Willow cut her off, already standing and helping Tara to her feet. "The more out there looking, the better."

"Okay!" Xander's voice rang out as he rounded the corner, arms full of weapons of various descriptions – stakes, knives and one crossbow. Buffy smiled at him as he dropped them on the carpet behind the couch. "Take your pick."

As Willow, Anya, Tara and Xander sifted through the pile, Buffy's smile began to fade.

Something….dark…was lurking at the back of her mind.

…was that…sweat?

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