I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called
But someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch, relax
Talk about anything, it don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend
That you've forgiven me
-- Darren Hayes
Right now, in Faith's eyes, everything was fairly well fucked up.
In the last 36 hours she'd agreed to go back to the one place she couldn't even have talked about a week previously, she'd met back up with the `jolly' little gang of troopers after years of trying to hide from them, she'd been attacked by an evil invincible demon, she'd had her left arm sliced open and a weird-ass tattoo burned into her temple, and now she was stuck, alone, in a cab. With Buffy.
Less than three feet between them.
And it would have been even less than that, were Faith not pressed into the passenger door so hard she practically melded with the chassis. She thanked herself inwardly that she'd picked the right side. She'd be having a little more trouble with a bandage, nineteen stitches and a whole lotta pain in her way.
Had a person asked a week ago what Faith wanted most out of her `redemption', she would have painted a picture much like this. She would have smiled, and described a scene where she was back in Sunnydale, fighting side by side with Buffy and the gang, leading the charge against the Hellmouth. The fact was, her relationship with Xander, Buffy, Giles, Willow and even Cordelia, though tempestuous at best, was the closest thing she had to a stable family. Naturally, she reasoned, she would want that back, regardless of the amount of water under the bridge.
Now however, as she sat in silence picking at a thread on her jeans, Faith couldn't have wished to be further away. She had come face to face with the water, and it was turbulent and high and full of dangerous debris. No bridge could be built over it, she was sure of that. Had she delved into her memory a little further than yesterday, she would have remembered it.
Just goes to show what you don't see when you're not looking too deep.
The warm comfort floating around her subconscious was making her uncomfortable. Funny, how alien and wrong something can feel when your entire life to date has been lived at the opposite end of the spectrum. Each time she felt it she pulled away from it, and shrank further away from the figure to her left.
Internally, Faith was turning into a heavyweight World Title Fight. In the blue corner was the part of her that drew from connection she and Buffy had - the one that craved proximity, that wanted to joke, laugh, fight, talk, cry, love and be loved and just be everything Buffy wanted. In the red corner was the hurt and the mistrust and the rejection and the enforced solitude and the attitude that had driven her away.
But further into the murkiness of Faith's mind was the real power. There lay the voice that whispered throughout the fight - taunting, teasing - speaking of how Faith wasn't good enough and never would be. Never for Buffy. Never for any of them. She was a murderer, nothing more. Nameless, faceless. lost.
It was that voice that always lay in the back of her mind, telling her that her `promotion' to Slayer was the universe's way of completing a job meant to have been finished long ago - somewhere in the moments between her being born and taking her first breath - which hadn't been because some higher power was late. Or forgot. Or was too drunk to notice she wasn't supposed to live any longer than that.
After all, what better way of getting rid of a pyromaniac than locking them in a warehouse full of fireworks with a lighter and an unlimited supply of gasoline?
Each time she survived a battle the voice would say `well that was lucky' or `fate's not paying attention again'. Each time she slipped further and further into the darkness it would say `you may as well, there's no other purpose for you'. It was that voice that was the automatic shrug in her shoulders and the `who cares' on her lips.
Unbeknownst to Faith, it was that voice that Ammitus had heard, and he himself had begun to speak through. And the blue corner was losing. Badly.
Faith closed her eyes, trying to block out the silhouette of her. Trying, just for a moment, to pretend she was alone.
Buffy? Oh. God.-
You didn't think I was going to find you, did you?
She advanced on Faith, who could do nothing but cower further and further back on the bed, eyes daring to look up only fractions of a second at a time before returning to the floor.
"Buffy let's talk." Angel's voice, ever calm sounded from behind Buffy and she spun around.
"Oh I don't think talking is in order right now."
"Faith needs help" He said simply. Faith could feel their eyes on her, so she turned her shoulder into their line of sight and hid behind the hair that had fallen forward over her face.
"Help?" Buffy snapped. "Do you have any idea what she did to me?"
"Yes."
Faith?
"Do you care?"
"She wants to change. She has a chance to-"
"No. No chance. Jail."
"Do you think that'd help?"
".Buffy?"
Buffy turned, her lips twisted in rage and her eyes burning,. Faith stood before her terrified, but resolved. This is where it would start. This is where she wanted it fixed most. Here, with B.
"I'm so s-"
But Buffy cut her off. "You apologise to me," She snarled, her voice shaking with pure hatred. "I will beat you to death"
Faith? You okay?
Faith felt like a child again, trembling, unsure. An old pain, starting from a space somewhere around her middle, began to spread out through her body - twisting, churning with loathing. She tilted her head, spreading her arms wide. Maybe this would help make it right. Maybe this would do it.
".Go ahead."
Something touched Faith's hand, and she flinched away, staring at blank space where the contact had come from. Her left arm had started to ache. What was going on?
Faith. Hey, Faith, we're here
There it was again, but the pressure was firmer, more like a squeeze, on her arm. This time Faith wrenched her hand away and the momentum carried her arm into the air, until it hit an invisible barrier. She cried out as pain shot through her wrist and arm, her eyes snapped open and she found herself staring at the back of a car seat. in..
"Faith we're still in the cab." Buffy's voice was soft and calm, and momentarily sounded foreign to Faith's ears, after what she had just heard. "We're here." Faith blinked harder, took another look around her and shook her head. Buffy's door was open and she was standing on the road, bent over with her head still in the cab. "You okay?"
The cab. The cab. The hospital, the cab.
"Yeah. Sure." Faith said quickly. She unfastened her seat belt and swung open the cab door, easing herself out. ."Must've dozed off." She said casually, rolling her shoulders. "All that demon fighting you know."
Buffy paid and thanked the cab driver, then turned and headed for the house. "What happened to hungry and horny?" She called flippantly over her shoulder.
"'fraid you've got Sister Faith tonight, B." Faith answered with a half-smile while desperately struggling to rid herself of the fragmented images in her head. "No sex, no supper."
Faith heard Buffy's laugh, but it didn't do anything to calm her. She realised now why she was so bothered. That was the last time Buffy saw her. Then. in Angel's bedroom. On the rooftop. All that hate, that disgust. Was it still in there now?
Of course it was. Why should she expect any different?
"Faith?"
Faith looked up. Buffy was standing in the doorway, facing her.
"I think I'm gonna hang back here a sec, B. Chill out."
"No. No you're not." Buffy said firmly.
No. No chances. Jail.
Faith cringed and instantly her eyes dropped to the grass. Okay, yeah. It was a dumb idea, especially with that thing out there. Desperate. Desperately dumb.
Buffy moved down a step. "Come into the kitchen. I want to check your stitches - see if you blew any in the cab."
"It's fine, B." Faith resisted the impulse to step away from her by focusing her attention on the light scattering through the trees, spilling onto Buffy's lawn. "Hardly feel a thing." She echoed the same words she had said to the doctor.
If only it worked as well on Buffy as the rest of the medical profession.
"Relax Faith." She said, gentler this time. "If I know Giles, he'll have beaten the others into shape while we were away. They shouldn't give you any more trouble. Come on." She accentuated it this time by jerking her head in the direction of the door.
Unable to formulate an argument against it, Faith followed, silently wishing Angel would hurry the hell up and get back there.
Buffy had artistically avoided leading Faith through the living room where she knew the rest of them were. Now it was drawing closer to midnight, Willow had taken the initiative to send Dawn to bed. Despite all Dawn's protestations to the contrary, school was just one of those things that was utterly non-optional... and as Willow had pointed out, would continue to be so regardless of how likely it was the world would end.
No longer requiring the necessary verbal dancing and abstract reasoning that comes with having a young teenager in the same room, the conversations and the research had begun in earnest, but with Faith rapidly advancing to the title of `lab rat', Buffy didn't believe participating in the conversation was a particularly good idea.
Reason number two for taking her into the kitchen.
As much as Faith was trying to hide it, Buffy had noticed a darkness growing across her features that had already begun when she walked out of the emergency ward with Angel. Buffy wasn't sure, but she guessed the dreams had started there. A small panic began to rise from her stomach at the speed of it all, but she pushed it aside. This was Faith. Faith was. a slayer.
Watching Faith standing in her kitchen, slowly take in her surroundings, registering familiarity in every corner still seemed surreal to Buffy - almost like Faith had been simply superimposed into her line of sight and wasn't actually there. Faith's clear discomfort added to the illusion. The way her shoulders were pulled up slightly, the way she never looked up for long. At the very least, by the time Buffy spoke she would have been exceptionally familiar with the tiles.
"You should eat something." She said.
At first, Buffy thought Faith was simply ignoring her as the comment itself didn't stop her kitchen survey. She was about to make it again when Faith shrugged.
"Nah, not hungry." She straightened all of a sudden and blew out a tense breath. "I should be. training. or, over-" She waved her hand in the vague direction of the lounge room. "-there, thinking or, researching or whatever the hell it is they do."
"Not tonight, Faith." Buffy shook her head. "Tonight you should be eating, and resting."
The sound of an open palm smacking the kitchen bench reverberated throughout the lower level of the house. Unconsciously, Willow's eyes lifted to the ceiling, hoping the noise hadn't woken Dawn.
"Just who the fuck died and made you my mo-" Faith stopped mid- sentence, her mouth still open as if her brain had tripped over the word itself. Buffy, who had called on all her inner reserves not to jump a mile high, watched Faith battle with it, then finally give up and snarl, turning away. "Just forget it."
Wordlessly, Buffy opened a cupboard and brought out a square vacuum- sealed folded bag. She could have bitten on that comment, but experience and a few more years had taught her that retorts like that were less about the person they're aimed at, and more about the person they're coming from. Even if that person was Faith. Perhaps especially so.
Placing the bag in the microwave, Buffy started the timer, then leaned back against the fridge with her arms crossed, waiting.
Pop
Faith's eyes darted up.
"Angel worded me up before you guys left." She said, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "He said you were a fiend."
Faith seemed not to notice she had just had the imperial rug pulled out from under her, she simply stared directly at the timer. Besides, by the time the smell of buttered microwave popcorn filled the kitchen, Faith's stomach had well and truly given her away.
"Man I could knock back a tonne of that stuff." Faith laughed. "On my first day out, y'know." She paused for a second to ensure Buffy knew what she meant and that she didn't need to explain herself any further. "I got back to Angel's and he had. bought me-" Measuring with her hands, Faith depicted a box somewhere of the order of two feet long by one foot wide, by one foot high. "-this huge, factory box of it. I went through over half in like. two days."
Buffy was thankful the conversation had been drawn away from the direction it was otherwise heading, and allowed herself a wider smile. The microwave beeped loudly indicating the end of its cycle, and Buffy couldn't help but chuckle at the look of pure anticipation on Faith's face.
Pulling out a bowl, she opened the microwave again and, after a moment's thought, deposited the popcorn - bag and all - in it, and slid it across the countertop to Faith.
"Enjoy your feast, slayer." She said wryly.
"Oh, but I will. slayer." Faith responded, in kind.
And for the briefest of instants, the air in the kitchen became charged, but the static wasn't enough for them to notice.
Yet.
Chapter 10
I tried so hard And got so far
But in the end It doesn't even matter
I had to fall To lose it all
But in the end It doesn't even matter
-- Linkin Park
It sounded funny, but Faith loved the `squeakiness' of freshly popped popcorn - how you could press the kernel between your teeth and it would squeak. Then there would be that burst of butter and salt - two of her three basic food groups - which would tingle in her mouth and just leave her wanting more.
For a good five minutes, Faith was as comfortable as she had ever been. Sitting cradling a giant bowl of popcorn, blocking all images out of her peripheral vision, she could have been anywhere and she would have been content.
Until a glass of clear liquid deposited itself directly in front of her.
Faith stared at it, chewing slowly, then her eyes flicked upwards. "What am I looking at here?"
"Water." Buffy said simply, then turned around and poured herself a glass. "You'll need it. For the popcorn. You know, salt. thirsty." Buffy trailed off. "Don't tell me you're immune to salt."
Faith chewed a few more times, then grinned openly.
"Salt and I are good friends." She said. Buffy made a face, and Faith noticed, almost absently, how the contentment had not stopped quite as abruptly as she'd thought. "I usually wash it down with something. stronger, anyway."
Buffy laughed softly, raising the glass to her lips. "What happened to sister Faith?"
"Hey!" Faith spread her arms wide. "Even sisters take communion, B."
"Oh you're-" Buffy shook her head in exasperation. "Fine. But this is a PG-rated house, so you're not allowed to know where I get it from."
Faith nearly spat out her mouth of popcorn, and made a deliberate show of it. "PG?" She asked incredulously. "B, what happened?"
"Dawn happened."
"B she's like." Faith stopped. Exactly how old was Dawn anyway?
"Less than 21." Buffy said curtly, crossing her arms. Faith snorted.
"You're kidding me. Oh man." She chuckled and tossed another few kernels of popcorn in her mouth. "B, she's a kid. If she hasn't found it already, she's probably got her own stash."
The comfort between them began to turn, and in the instant before Buffy opened her mouth Faith knew there was no way to stop it.
"Not every kid thinks like you did, Faith."
And there it was, ripped away from her. Faith chewed around the popcorn in her mouth slowly. Suddenly she seemed to have lost her appetite.
Fuck.
Closing her eyes she leaned on her hand and rubbed her fingers across her forehead. She should have known better than to expect to maintain a normal, civilised conversation with Buffy. She should have known better than to push the boundaries like that.
Get that? Or you gonna make me repeat myself?
An image of a man's face flashed across Faith's mind. Fat, hairy. Filthy wifebeater and tracksuit pants that were dotted with holes. An ever-present sheen of sweat.
The girl, barely eleven years old, rolled her eyes. "Chill, Big Man." She said, waving the bag in her hand. "I take this down to Spank, by the Clement, get the four grand, take it down to Josies, tell `em I'm Casper's daughter and get the smack off `em. It's a cinch."
He pointed a greasy, fat finger at her. "And?"
"Don't talk to nobody but Spank and Chuck. I get it. Now fuckin shut up. I'm goin'." She spun around and stalked towards the door.
"Oi get over `ere kid. I'm not done wit you yet."
The girl's hand froze on the doorhandle. "Don't fuckin call me that."
"Or what?" She felt him sneering into her back. "You gonna get sesame street on my ass?"
She turned slowly, advancing two steps back into the room, towards the pungent stench of body odor, beer and vomit. "Or.." She hissed through clenched teeth. "The next time you're high I'm gonna cut off your balls and feed `em to ya."
Faith.
Faith started, and looked up.
"Hey." A hand was on her arm. Buffy was beside her.
"Uhh.." Faith took a step away from the bench, and lifted her arm up, away from Buffy's hand to scratch the back of her neck. Fuck, she could still smell him.
"Look Faith-" Buffy started "I didn't mean-"
Faith's eyes darted up and she shrugged. "Hey no sweat." She said quickly. "I'm kinda beat so I think I'm just going to head up and-" She gestured vaguely in the direction of the stairs.
Buffy seemed to pause, as if about to say something more, but she either thought better of it or Faith was totally off-track. She ended up nodding slowly.
"Know where you're going?"
"Yeah, unless you've redecorated in the last few years."
"Well I usually have Mum's bed, but. I thought Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya could fight over it."
"Ah." Faith barely even registered the innuendo, and certainly wasn't in the frame of mind to act on it. "So it's still on the right?"
"Yep."
"Cool. Okay. Night B."
"Night Faith."
Willow, Tara, Giles, Xander and Anya all had signs of cabin fever - so much so that when Buffy entered the lounge she thought she was walking into a room full of caged animals. Xander was having an argument with Anya over why it was possible to become stuck in solitaire, and that it didn't mean that the game was flawed. Willow was leaning back in her chair, eyes closed and palms pressed hard against her temples, and although Tara's hand was resting lightly on Willow's knee, she was busy flipping erratically through the diary, her mind completely elsewhere.
Giles had taken off his glasses and was resting his forehead on the back of his hand, flipping through one of the many texts he had brought across with him.
Buffy did feel sorry for them - they were the think-tank of the operation, however that reason was only secondary to the fact that frankly, nobody felt safe out at night any more. They had operated on this pseudo-curfew for the last two weeks, when it was clear the killing wouldn't stop, and now the antsy-ness between them had become firmly rooted.
Giles was the first to notice Buffy's presence and he frowned.
"Where's Angel?" He asked, the sound snapping the others out of their stupor.
"He went looking for more information." She flicked both her eyebrows upward. "You know, unofficial channels."
There were several responsive nods. Willow eyed the empty space over Buffy's shoulder.
"Where's."
"Upstairs. Gone to bed."
"Sooo.." Xander pursed his lips and flared his nostrils, then finally asked the question. "..how is she?"
A short glance to Giles yielded the ever-so-slight nod - a `yes that was me' gesture. Buffy licked her lips.
"She's. okay. The stitches are in. The cut will heal in a couple of days."
"Go Slayer strength." Willow cheered half-heartedly. Buffy simply smiled back. At least it was halfheartedly.
Tara's eyes rose from the diary. "What about. the rest?"
That question drew a deep breath from Buffy and she looked across to the other witch, slowly expelling it.
"I think they've started. I can't be sure, but. she fell asleep in the cab and nearly jumped through the roof when I tried to wake her. And then before-" Buffy's eyebrow's furrowed as she recalled the way Faith had just stopped. trance-like. only moments before. "She seemed to phase out for a second."
"How do you know that's not just her.thing?"
Xander shifted uncomfortably in his seat which gave Buffy the distinct impression he had been intending to say something else. Buffy found herself glancing at Giles again.
Go big man.
"There are some other things I've noticed as well. It's just -" She shrugged. "I just know."
"The whole. slayer sense thing?"
"Yeah, something like that."
Something like a whole lot of things, thought Buffy silently, that none of you will understand.
It was going to happen at some point soon, and the fact that Anya started it only seemed fitting. She was, in fact, quite amazed at the contagiousness of it. She had commented several times on the various viruses and diseases that paled in comparison. Even ebola got a mention.
But it started with Anya, then Xander caught it, Willow and Tara almost simultaneously, then Giles followed.
Buffy seemed immune. After all, yawning just wasn't her thing.
"I think." Giles began, rising from his seat and stretching out the kinks in his back. "We would be far more productive if we pick this up again tomorrow morning. Have a fresh start."
With a collection of creaks and groans the other four stood up, and the yawn phenomenon was passed in reverse order.
Giles and the others began the arduous task of tidying, but Buffy hung back, frowning. An uneasiness had begun to settle in her mind, only in the last couple of minutes, and specifically in the corner that was marked `Faith - do not cross'.
She began to walk away, but stopped when Giles cast her a withering glance. "I'm going to check on Faith." She said, gesturing with her head towards the stairs. "Make sure she's. asleep."
Willow glanced at Buffy sceptically for an instant, but seeing the expression on Buffy's face opened her mouth in an understanding `o' and continued packing up her laptop.
You're not gonna run, Faith
Faith stood with her back to the sound, her insides crawling and a soul-numbing ache permeating her entire body. She knew Buffy would come for her, regardless. Now she'd been found there wasn't a chance in hell Buffy would let her go.
"What do you want to do. you want to throw me off the roof?" She asked, then laughed bitterly, "Again?"
"Any reason why I shouldn't?"
No, no there isn't Buffy. There's no reason why you shouldn't. Faith turned.
"There's nothing I can do for you, B. I can't ever make it right."
Buffy narrowed her eyes. The fire hadn't dulled, not even a little bit. "So you're just going to take off again, leave us to clean up yet another one of your messes?"
Faith's eyes pleaded with her.
"It'd make things easier for you."
If I wasn't here. If I never came here. If I could wipe me out from your mind B I'd do it. I'd do it in a second if it would make it better. make you not look at me that way.
"Until you got bored with the whole guilt thing, decide to come back and shake things up?"
"That's not gonna happen."
Faith.
"You're right, it's not."
"Angel said there was no way you would give me a chance."
Her eyes flashed, and Faith recoiled before the words left her mouth. "I gave you every chance!" She barked. "I tried. so hard to help you. And you spat on me. My life was just something for you to play with. Angel, Riley, anything that you could take from me you took. I've lost battles before, but nobody else has ever made me a victim."
She was unable to move, to do anything other than stare at Buffy, forced to hear. to feel the things she had said. There was nothing there between them anymore, just hate, anger, and spite. Betrayal. Mistrust. All those words. All those words she knew were reserved for her.
What did she have to lose?
"And you can't stand that!" She countered, suddenly finding a scrap of courage to share the war she was raging in her mind. "You're all about control. You have no idea what it's like on the other side. Nothing's n control. Nothing makes sense. There's just. pain and hate and nothing you do means anything, you can't even-"
"SHUT UP!"
Faith felt what remained of her conviction simply melting away to nothing.
She was nothing.
"Just tell me how to make it better."
Faith, hey. Wake up Slayer
Her surroundings seemed to be sucked into a giant vacuum of space so quickly that time itself could have been ripped apart. When they regained their equilibrium Faith found herself standing on another rooftop. another building. She blinked for a second, disoriented, but as soon as she turned her eyes forward found the familiarity.
Buffy's angry face. The hatred. The disgust.
Faith looked down.
The knife.
She swore she would never forget how easily the blade slid into her stomach. Faith remembered looking down at it, just as she was doing now, and the blade stuck out just enough that she could see her reflection in it. A great picture of evil vanquished - the monster watching the life ebb from their own body. Seeing the image of what they had created.
"You did it-" She murmured in awe, watching her mouth move in the exposed sliver of blade. Ding Dong.
A part of her felt immense relief.
"You killed me." Then she looked up - away from it. Away from the monster. And in that instant she forgot how much it hurt to be hated, hunted, alone. In ultimate defiance, she threw Buffy away from her and staggered backwards, closer. ever closer to the edge until her heel came into contact with air. She stared down at Buffy, and steeled herself for the fall. "Won't help your boy, though."
Faith, come on
As the air behind her gave way under her weight, something grabbed her hand. A dull ache in her left arm was beginning to overtake the one in her stomach. She was held, suspended, and confused. Trapped. And hurt. And goddamn it if she didn't get out of there right now, she'd be used for an antidote.
Faith it's me.
She struggled mercilessly against the hold, kicking her legs out and wrenching her hand away, swinging her other fist in the empty space in front of her.
Until she connected with something.
"Wha-?" Faith's eyes snapped open, unfocused and disoriented. Last she knew she'd been. falling. Stabbed. Stabbed in the stomach by Buffy. who was. directly in front of her.
"Faith!"
Faith's eyes immediately widened and she flung herself backwards, only barely registering the wall at the end of the bed that met her back at high speed.
"Get the fuck off me!" She shouted, the rest of the breath thrown out on impact.
Buffy shot upright and backed away, her own hand held against her cheek.
"Faith stop." She said, trying to force as much calm into her tone as possible. There would be a bruise there, in the morning, she was sure about it. "It was a nightmare, that's all. You're in my house, you drove from LA last night." Faith's eyes shone in the darkness of Buffy's room, and her heaving shoulders were punctuated by sharp breaths. Buffy took another step away. "Faith I'm going to turn on the light, so you can see."
Her fumbling fingers found the switch and she flicked it on, without waiting for Faith's opinion on the matter. Buffy told herself it was because she wanted Faith to see where she was, but had she been truthful to herself she would have acknowledged the part of her that was. afraid. Faith would do something regrettable.
The room instantly brightened, and Faith flinched away from it, hiding once again behind the hair that had fallen onto her face. Buffy was able to see her now - her knees were drawn tightly against her chest, her arms trapped protectively between her thighs and torso.
"Faith." Buffy started again. "It was just a dream, that's all." Faith was clearly getting increasingly worse. What had she dreamt, to react that badly? She gestured around the room. "You're safe, see?"
She turned her head and started when she saw a figure in the doorway.
"Dawn go back to your room."
"But Buffy-"
"Dawn." Buffy closed her eyes, raising a hand to her forehead. "I don't have time to argue with you. Please."
Dawn stalked away, and Buffy sighed. "Teenagers," She muttered, half to herself and half to distract Faith from any remaining visions of her dream. She moved slowly towards the door, pulling it closed with a soft click, then turned back to Faith. "Sometimes I just wish-"
Buffy stopped cold.
Faith had straightened her legs, and now Buffy could see her hands, and her eyes, all focused on the same place. Fingers pressing up against her tank top as if that very act alone was what was preventing her intestines from spilling out onto the bedspread. Her eyes, seeking, searching for the blood she knew should be there.
Buffy's heart hit the floor.
That's what she had seen. That was what Faith's nightmare had been. Running from Buffy. Buffy killing her.
"Faith I-" She whispered, but found herself unable to finish the thought. What was she going to say, sorry? It was only a dream? It didn't really happen? It turned out alright in the end? Reliving her nightmares from the past. That was the line - that was this demon's MO. Buffy was prepared for nightmares. She was prepared for the monsters under the bed, the bogeyman in the closet, the being chased naked down the street by William Shatner.
Nothing could have prepared Buffy for the possibility she would be part of those dreams. And not just any part. The starring role. The one who did the deed.
She would never forget the night. She could remember it, even now, right down to the cracks in the concrete surface on the roof. She could have mapped it out in a second. She remembered the fighting, the struggle, and most of all the sick feeling that spread instantly through her entire body as the knife slid so easily.. so cleanly into Faith's stomach.
Suddenly Faith glanced upward, as if noticing Buffy for the first time. Her eyes sparked a recognition, and her fingers loosened, falling gently away from her body.
"Uh..Hey."
Buffy had wanted her dead then - so much. It had seemed like the right - the good - thing to do. She had told herself that then. She had told herself she was the one to do it. The protector of all humankind. The Chosen.
What was The Chosen doing now?
"You okay?" Buffy asked, still staring at the place under Faith's black tank top that she knew the scar lay.
"Yeah good." Faith answered quickly. "Just didn't feel so good for a second there."
Buffy sighed again softly. She allowed Faith the lie. How couldn't she?
"The guys are going to call it a night." She ran a hand through her hair. "It was getting like the next Cold War down there. Everyone could do with the rest."
Faith nodded, then swept the room with her eyes. "Do you want me to- " She raised her eyebrows, and Buffy stared at her, confused. "Couch." She said.
"No. No of course not." The conviction wasn't as close to the forefront as she had wanted, but Buffy's mind was still reeling from the question. Did Faith feel like she was intruding? Did she feel out of place?
Buffy mentally kicked herself. Hard. Idiot. Of course she did.
"I'll be back in a sec." She said, then signed and threw a weak smile in Faith's direction. "Need anything?"
"Nah."
"Okay." Buffy turned and opened the door, pausing to switch off the light.
"You can leave it on." Faith said suddenly, almost too suddenly to be a casual request. But by the time Buffy looked over her shoulder, she found no indication of it in Faith's face. "I'll wait." She said simply.
Buffy nodded, then quietly exited the room, closing the door behind her.
She had only taken two steps when she stopped, leaned hard against the wall and dropped her head. She closed her eyes, but could only see Faith, cowering at the end of the bed, hiding from her.
She had told Angel, when she had come to find Faith and drag her - or so had been her intention - kicking and screaming to jail, that she couldn't be in their "club" because she hadn't killed anyone. But really, that was just a technicality, wasn't it?
Buffy has seen Faith's eyes moments after she'd stabbed her. She had pretended not to see it - not to notice. But she'd seen the surprise, the disbelief. The sadness.
And the relief.
And that was what scared Buffy now, most of all.
Chapter 11
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
I'll tear you open, make you gone
No more will you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me Until it sleeps
-- Metallica
As soon as Buffy's foot left the last step she was on a rampage. Funny thing was, she didn't even know why. Seventeen steps ago she was still in shock, still reeling from the image of Faith cowering from her, from her own conjured images of Faith's inherent death- wish that was obvious now, yet something she mistook at the time for something. evil.
Despite all the healing, despite the help exchanged, there was still that undercurrent of misunderstanding from both sides, that always threatened them. Always marched them down the path to self- combustion. Buffy didn't know what it was like to be Faith, and Faith didn't know what it was like to be anything else.
Both too proud. Both too independent. Both too stubborn.
Buffy remembered the night they had broken into the weapons shop. She remembered `Want. Take. Have'. God, she would have done anything for her then. She remembered the tingle up her spine as Faith had breathed the words to her. The way her eyes flittered along the length of the crossbow, then along the length of her. Which one. Which one did she want? Which one could she have?
She could have taken either, that night. For a few brief moments, she even did. At the Bronze, just dancing. Just the two of them. Buffy had never felt anything like it, and the connection scared her. It was like a magnet - utterly undefinable but full of this attractive force that just seemed to have no end. When they spoke it was never for long enough. When they were together it was never close enough.
They drew closer, but so close they polarised. Suddenly they were flying apart from each other with just as much fury. Just as much intensity. They hated each other with the same passion that had brought them together. Where they once couldn't speak for long enough they couldn't cut each other deep enough. They couldn't hurt each other fiercely enough. They couldn't betray each other enough, to make it count.
So Buffy killed Faith to destroy her.
And Faith didn't die to spite her.
Yet here she was - years later - changed, reformed, here when she was asked. Helping when it counted, despite all their history, despite all their hurt. Looking out for the people who couldn't look after themselves. The innocent. The vulnerable.
And in doing so she had become that which she'd come to save. Buffy had seen it, only minutes before. Vulnerable and unsure, terrified and alone, recoiling from her attacker, and all Buffy could do was remember her from back then. Remember the fights and the lies and the betrayal . it was all she could think about. It was all she could comprehend. It was her reference point, always close to the forefront. `Now' Faith to Buffy was no different to `then' Faith. She wouldn't let her be any different. It wouldn't matter how much she had changed. Damnit, she was always going to be that girl who brought Buffy's life to bear. Who offered her everything in one instant then snatched it away the next.
Right now, Buffy couldn't decide if she was angry with herself because she felt for Faith, or if she was angry at herself because she didn't feel enough. She certainly didn't do enough. She sure as hell didn't know enough.
So instead she tore into the lounge room like a hurricane. a contained hurricane at that, churning and whirling up its own fury. It's own steam. Had Faith not been upstairs in full slayer-hearing of anything spoken or acted upon above 8 decibels, Buffy would have raged. She would have stomped. She would have thrown something. She would have been level 5, serious storm damage capable of ripping a house apart and depositing it inside out and back to front in some remote village on the outskirts of Kathmandu.
Only Tara, Willow and Giles remained, each at various stages of tidying. When Buffy's thunderous face marched its way toward them, all three stopped. Willow and Giles inched back. Tara, however, stared directly into the eye of the storm, and asked the question.
"Buffy.how's Faith?"
"Not great!" Buffy whispered in a foreboding sing-song. "Not fantastic. Messed up, actually."
Giles nodded slowly. The turbulence inside Buffy spiked. He was always so. goddamn knowing. He always knew everything! Nothing was new to Giles. Nothing was original. Nobody said or did anything that was outside his expectations. Why couldn't he, just for once, behave surprised?
She growled deep inside her throat and pointed at him.
"I've had enough!" She snarled, only too acutely aware of the slayer hearing that could have been tuned in. She didn't need to raise her voice. The tempest brewing on her face and in her eyes spoke volumes. "I'm pulling the plug. I'm telling her what's going on."
And there it was - the surprise, the confusion. The concern.
"Buffy, you can't."
Buffy would have revelled in it, were it not for the fact that she was too busy trying to force aside that strange feeling she had encountered earlier. The one that told her Faith was asleep again. Asleep and dreaming. Her eyes flashed.
"The hell I can't!" She snapped. "Do none of you realise what is happening to her!?" Her eyes darted across to Willow, then Tara, who stood utterly mute in front of her. "Because she sure as hell doesn't. All she's got are all these really. horrible. memories flashing around in her head and she doesn't even know why!" She flung her arms wide. "She is being destroyed from the inside by this thing and we're not even giving her a fighting chance to stand up for herself!"
Tara and Willow moved together and each took half a step away from the fuming force in front of them. Giles, however, squared his shoulders and closed the last book on the desk.
"I'm afraid it's more complicated than that-"
"How?" Buffy let her arms fall back down to her sides. "How Giles? Have I been missing for the last four weeks? Did we suddenly hit the information jackpot in the last.." She made a show of looking at her watch. "..Ten minutes?"
"Yes." Came a voice from behind her.
Buffy spun around to the source, and like a beam from a lighthouse her fury redirected itself wherever her eyes landed. Angel stood just outside the room, his hair wet and dots of rain on his black coat.
"It's vital to all of us, including Faith," He continued, taking a step inside. "That she doesn't know what's happening."
Buffy gaped. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. She wouldn't believe it. Not from Angel - the champion of lost souls. The protector of the hunted. She narrowed her eyes.
"So.How are we supposed to stop it?" Willow asked gently.
Angel's eyes rested on Buffy for a fraction of a second, then darted away.
"We don't."
In the next instant the thunder simply melted away from Buffy's face, leaving stark, open-mouthed outrage. "What!?" Her eyes flashed and she advanced on him. "Coming from you?" She stopped barely an inch from his chest and glared upwards. "What is wrong with you?"
Angel sighed. "Believe me Buffy, I'm not happy about this either, but it's the only chance we have." He shrugged his coat off his shoulders and folded it over one of his arms, but when it was clear Buffy wasn't going to move from her position he raised his eyebrows. "Can I come in?"
She didn't respond - merely stepping away from him, glaring at the carpet so intently it almost should have been smoking. What the hell was he talking about? leave it?
"Angel." Giles said, stepping out from the desk. "How did you go?"
Angel pursed his lips and lowered himself slowly onto the couch, draping the coat between his knees. He stared at the coffee table for a moment, then looked up.
"Faith's it." He said.
Had they really thought about it, all of them would have realised how unsurprising that news was. They practically knew it, from the moment Giles had relayed the news that Faith had been attacked. However, there was something about the finality of hearing the words - of truly knowing, that made it so much more difficult. It indicated a picture far bigger than the life of one person. Bigger than the lives of the eighteen people already dead. This was bigger than all of them.
Giles' shoulders immediately slumped. Willow and Tara exchanged another glance, and Willow looked away, shaking her head. Buffy, her back still to the room, still trying to formulate some understanding of the situation, turned around.
"Everyone's jumpy out there. They know something's coming."
She heard the carefully-veiled uncertainty in his voice. She also knew who he was talking about when he said `everyone'. Slowly, she moved from behind the couch and dropped down into the seat that Faith had occupied only a couple of hours ago.
`Everyone' to Angel meant demons. Vampires. Undead. All those types who found living near the Hellmouth prime real-estate; not too far from home, and an all-you-can-eat buffet just across the road.
Faith was it.
"Angel." Buffy said carefully, "What about Faith?"
Angel cast her a sideways glance. "I know." He said softly. Linking his fingers together he bit down on his lower lip. "It doesn't' get any prettier." He sighed. "We have one chance - slim at best - to kill Ammitus and save Faith."
"How?" Willow asked, before Buffy could. Buffy was still struggling to understand how Angel's comment about things not getting any prettier tied in with having a chance to save Faith
"It was hard for me to even get an idea of who we were up against. Hardly anybody is talking." He leaned back. "It's a force to be reckoned with. It revels in people's torment. For the most part it exists outside our plane, which is why we can't touch it out here." He bit down on his lower lip, drawing it into his mouth for a moment before letting it go. "It's been around for a long time. It's had no real enemies, nothing that's even come close to it." Another glance to Buffy. "Ammitus is.by all accounts.very self-assured, and equally. perverse."
Buffy blinked. She hated that word.
"Perverse.how?"
"It's been said that, if the "show" is good enough-"
"The show?" Buffy repeated, perhaps a little venomously, moving forward in her seat.
"Buffy, that's how he sees it." Angel said quietly. "He likes to watch the dreams he is creating. Especially just before-" The side of his mouth twitched uncomfortably "-he takes the soul with him."
"What, so.the dreams.he watches them!?" Buffy hissed with disgust. "That's.vile"
"Ammitus is pure evil, Buffy." Tara shifted on her feet. "Vile would be well within its realm of possibility."
"While it is watching," Angel continued. "It is the only time, before it rises and destroys everything in its path-" He lowered his voice "-and believe me, it does. destroy everything-" Buffy saw Willow wince at Angel's subtle reference to the possibility of their impending demise. Angel either seemed to not notice, or choose to ignore it. "-that it is vulnerable. It's the only time it coexists in.the same plane as the person it is hunting. It can be hurt. Hopefully killed." He raised both his eyebrows and hunched his shoulders briefly. "The moment Faith knows why she's having these dreams, Ammitus will just simply wait. It won't come out, which is the only chance we have to kill it."
Buffy shook her head. "But. how can Faith kill it if she doesn't know it's going to be there?"
"Faith can't kill it."
"Okay." Buffy held up her hands, impatience seeping off her tongue once more. "Okay now you're just talking in tongues. You're telling me we can't tell her about Ammitus because otherwise it won't show up in her head, in her dreams, which is the only time it can be killed.." She turned her head to the side but kept her eyes on Angel. "But Faith isn't the one doing the killing. Am I missing something here?"
"Ammitus wouldn't appear until the point where Faith wouldn't have the strength to fight back. That's why it is so careful about the dreams and how it orders them."
"I'm still not following."
Willow immediately straightened. "I am." Her eyes darted to Giles, then Angel, then back to Giles, who nodded slowly. "Buffy, remember when Glory took Dawn, and you. you know."
"Lost it?" Buffy shrugged, pretending it was old news, but the reference still stung. It certainly was one of the weaker times in her life. "You had to get inside my head and-" She stopped. "Willow you can't be serious!" She said incredulously. "You had a hard enough time with me, you couldn't go in there-"
"Oh no." Willow vehemently shook her head. "Me in Faith's head? No thank-you." Willow shuddered, made a face, then shuddered again. "I'd rather.. go. after Ammitus myself with a.a feather duster.". Tara glanced at her sceptically, mouthing `feather duster?'. Willow shrugged. "Besides," She continued. "She wouldn't let me in, and I'm no match for Ammitus in someone else's head. It's too much of the physical."
"So. who." She began, then her confusion dissolved. Her mind. her heart recoiled in fear. "No.." She murmured, shaking her head "No. you can't be serious?"
Angel nodded. "There needs to be an established connection to-"
"Angel have you been asleep for the last few years!?" Her eyes pleaded with him. "There is no connection any more!"
"Keep it down." Giles said suddenly, interjecting with his own level of concern. "She might hear you."
Buffy looked at him like he was stupid. "She's asleep. She won't hear a thing unless someone tries to wake her up." She held up her hands. "But that's not going to be me because she might be right at the point where I stab her again and. y'know. she might forget not to retaliate."
"How do you know she's asleep?" Tara asked carefully.
"I just-" Buffy snapped, then stopped mid-sentence. "No." She said. "I know what you're doing. No. This? This isn't a connection. Not a good one-" She stared down at Angel's boots, and furrowed her eyebrows deeply. "Not a. life-saving one." Buffy looked up at him again, her head once again shaking, almost of its own accord. "We're always fighting. Angel. You scratch under the surface and we're always trying to kill each other."
"It's the only way, Buffy." He said softly. "And regardless of its nature - and I don't believe it is as bad as you say it is - your connection with Faith is the only thing we have."
"But it's all guesswork and assumption!" Buffy said, rising out of her seat. "It's assuming I can get into Faith's mind in the first place,-"
"-we can do that for you." Willow and Tara answered in unison.
Buffy's head snapped around. "Well so what if you can?" She retorted hotly. "We're assuming number one, she won't see me and figure it out, number two, Ammitus will be there, and number three, it'll wait for me to show up!"
Angel lowered his gaze. "Ammitus will be there." He said. "For it, Faith's life is a show well worth watching." He looked up at Buffy, clearly saddened by the thought. "And she won't see you - we'll see to that. But you're right - Ammitus won't wait for you." He paused. "You have to wait for Ammitus."
Buffy's eyes widened. "No. No!" She said, backing away and shaking her head. "No. Do you know how. how wrong that is?" She stood up sharply, pacing across the carpet to the opposite wall. "Angel." She looked across at the others. "Giles. you can't. it's wrong."
Angel glanced across at Giles and tucked his hands back under his coat. "Faith told me once she shared a dream with you, where you were both in it but-"
"She was in a coma!" Buffy said, her voice rising in pitch. "And we were in her apartment! And that was the first time! The last time I was in Faith's head I-. we." She closed her eyes and remembered the grave. The knife. ".it wasn't Happy Valley." Opening her eyes again she jolted the image out of her mind sharply. "Besides-" She continued. "We're not talking about sitting around discussing the latest bedspread patterns in Vogue magazine. What you're talking about is giving me a backstage pass to the `Faith's Top Ten Most Horrible Life Experiences' show!"
"Buffy It's not like that-" Giles attempted, poorly, to cast his vote. Buffy simply railroaded him with a glare.
"What if that were your head!?" She snapped, then spun around to the couch. "Angel, what if it were yours?"
She could tell by his expression, the lines on his forehead, the way his eyes darkened long enough for her to see the truth in them, that Angel understood. Angel had always been very private about his life. Not even Buffy knew the true extent of the things he had seen. things he had done. But she saw, in those few seconds, that he understood everything about what going forward with this plan meant. What it meant for Buffy, yes, but most importantly, he understood what it would mean for Faith.
Buffy wasn't just picking up her diary and reading a couple of more intimate pages. Buffy would see. She would hear. she would feel it all.
"It's the only way." He murmured. "It really is."
Buffy's heart sank.
Angel closed his eyes, and Buffy watched the emotions playing across his face. He raised a hand, and drew his thumb and forefinger lightly across his eyes, then opened them again.
"If there were any other option, Buffy, we'd be doing it. Believe me."
"If Faith finds out." Buffy breathed. "If Faith finds out I've been in her head she'll." she trailed off. It was time to stop. Time to stop forcing the `now' Faith into the `then' Faith mould. The decision revealed the truth - that Buffy didn't know. She had no idea how Faith would react. Not now.
But Angel knew. He knew it and he said it with his final comment - the one before the plan was set in motion. The one before not one of the five of them had anything more to say.
"I hope she doesn't, Buffy." He said quietly. "I really hope she doesn't."
Buffy climbed the stairs back to her room, her heart impossibly heavier than it had been on her way down. She stopped at the same place - the wall just before the door - and leaned against it. Bracing herself for more lies. More deceit. Bracing herself for Faith. Knowing what she was being asked to do.
Angel's words echoed in her head. It was the only way, wasn't it? Of course it was. For Angel to suggest something.like this.he just wouldn't.
She had seen Faith's relationship with Angel. it was something. different. Something she hadn't seen, certainly not from Faith anyway. There wasn't an attraction, or a clearly defined friendship, but there was. a reliance. From both sides. Buffy knew about that - she had it with Angel for a long time. It was the sort of thing that unavoidably arises from the number of times they had saved each others' lives.
Buffy felt the guilt again, tearing her apart, pulling at her morality, tying it in a knot and forcing it to look back on itself, to judge itself. Take a look in the mirror, Buffy? Were you really that righteous?
Her fingers rested on the doorhandle for a moment before she found the strength to turn it. As the door opened, Buffy's eyes were automatically seeking her. Looking for reassurance that she was still with them. Faith had fallen asleep again, her knees drawn tightly to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself. Buffy frowned. She hadn't even used the blankets.
Angel had known, before Buffy could even fathom the purpose of Ammitus' choice. There had been no question in Angel's mind the demon would be after Faith. There were clearly parts of her life she must have shared with him.
Parts she would have never meant for Buffy to know.
And even beyond that. parts she wouldn't have wanted anyone to know.
Faith cried out, muffled screams and whimpers, like a child's. Buffy crossed the short distance to the bed, her fingers finding the blanket folded at the foot of the mattress, drawing it out, pulling it over Faith's legs, not daring to cover any more for fear she would wake up feeling trapped. smothered. Slowly, carefully so as not to make noise Buffy sat down on the edge of the bed.
She was facing away from Buffy - toward the wall - but her dark hair splayed across the pillow behind her head, rather than covering her face like it so often did. not letting her hide...not letting her conceal herself from the world. Faith's eyes were squeezed tightly shut, her mouth twitching between scowls and silent sobs. Deep lines were etched across her forehead.
There was no peace with Faith tonight.
Buffy was reminded of all those times she'd seen Dawn sleeping, how innocent, how peaceful she looked. She'd never seen that expression on Faith's face. Not even when she was in a coma. Even unconscious, hooked up to life-preserving machines that pumped artificial life into her, that fought the fight for her, she had that crease between her eyebrows, as if she were in a constant state of unrest.
Unbidden tears sprang to Buffy's eyes as the sheer weight of everything descended upon her shoulders. She had been jealous of Faith's expressiveness, her inhibitions. She had been uncomfortable with the intensity of their bond. Had she given it more thought. taken more time. she would have seen the same fear in Faith, having tried once to get into Faith's mind, and being met with solid resistance.
But instead of fighting on she gave up, she just pushed back - stepping away. Shutting the doors.
Everything Faith was - everything Faith now tried so hard to fight against seemed to gain more shape in Buffy's mind. How could she have judged? How could she have been the judge of a life she didn't know, couldn't imagine... couldn't even begin to imagine?
How could she have tried to take that life?
Unconsciously, Buffy's eyes wandered down to Faith's abdomen, where she knew the scar lay; concealed always by clothing and yet still as clear as the night she had caused it.
Another cry, and Buffy's eyes snapped back to Faith's face, her hand immediately reaching for the fabric of Faith's black tank top. She knew better than to make any gestures more sudden or more overt than that. She had no intention of waking Faith this time.
"Faith.." Buffy whispered, lightly running her fingers from the back of Faith's hand to her elbow. Faith's restlessness didn't ease - nor did she expect it to. Her breathing was still erratic, her face still reflecting the horrors she was witnessing behind her eyelids. But for an instant, that connection Buffy had run so hard from had reversed, and she was hit with the sudden, overwhelming need to understand Faith. To help her. To be there for her, just as Angel had.
Tilting her head, Buffy moved her hand to Faith's cheek and brushed it gently with the back of her fingers.
"Faith." She said again, for no other reason than to hear the name leave her lips with no hint of spite, no anger, no disgust. Her fingertips ran slowly over the creases in Faith's forehead, gently, so important not to wake her. So important not to let her see.
Reality closed in on Buffy with a stifling force, pushing at her freshly unearthed link with her fellow slayer. It yanked her away, coldly, harshly, reminding her of all the things she was going to do. All the things she was going to see. The trust.the past. the mind she was going to violate, because she had to.
Because she had to.
Buffy took a deep breath, letting it out very slowly before she stood up from the cot and stepped away.
"I'm sorry."
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