Oralfxatn -Humor, Heart & Heat

I woke up to realize I was alone in the van, the only sound that could be heard was the pinging noises of the engine cooling. I sat up slowly trying not to aggravate my head anymore than I had to, I gently felt around my shoulder trying to assess the damage to it. Thankfully it was only bruised and not dislocated. My clothes were still damp from falling in the snow, I was beyond cold now.

I had no idea where my captors had gone, nor any idea who they were, I did, however, remember they said something about Britain. Therefore I was pretty sure this had something to do with my grandparents but fuck if I knew what. The safe bet was on they wanted money and thought my grandparents would give it to them. That thought did make me stop and pause, would my grandparents part with money for my safe return. I’m sure you’re thinking they would, but I really wasn’t too sure, I wasn’t their favorite grandchild.

OK Faith, let’s start trying to get out of this mess. Who really cares why, time to focus on the important thing, getting the fuck out of here. I looked around the van looking for something I could use as a weapon should they come back while I was trying to leave. I didn’t know if I’d have the guts to use it when it came time, hopefully I just wouldn’t see them again. There really wasn’t anything in here on the weapon front, but I did spy a package that had a medical insignia on it. I grabbed it and inside I discovered three needles filled with a yellowish liquid and one suspiciously empty. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this is what they used on me. Thinking it would probably be best to dump the drugs just in case they caught me again. I wouldn’t be able to try to get away if I was drugged. I emptied two of the syringes but decided to hang onto the last one thinking that maybe I could use against them if I had to. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have time to inject all three of them, this little trick would most likely only work once. Although with my luck, I’ll probably wind up injecting myself.

I quietly opened the back door to the van and freaked out when the light popped on, it was dark outside and that light seemed as bright as the sun, I hurriedly got out and closed the door as fast as I could, hoping nobody had noticed. I looked around, we seemed to be at a rest stop, unfortunately it was completely deserted. I could see the headlights of the traffic on the highway, thinking I’d be able to flag someone down I started in that direction.

I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of the voice, I turned around and noticed it was just one of them. So far luck was working for me. I tried not to panic, trying to be more like Jessie than me. Jess always seemed to know what exactly to do in any given situation. The man was a lot bigger than me, it fucking figured the one who would come back would be the biggest one of the three. He held up his hand and showed me what was in it, a taser gun, I’m guessing that’s what got me in the shoulder earlier. He flicked it on and fired it up, I could see his face in the white electric light of the machine. As nervous as I was about being shot with that thing again, I was more worried by the look on the man’s face, it disgusted me and frightened me at the same time. It was the way his eyes looked me over, combined with the way he licked his lips, there was no question what he wanted to do to me. And I was certain there wouldn’t be a damn thing I could do about it either.

I felt the adrenaline start pumping through my veins, suddenly remembering it was the sympathetic nervous system in action. Reacting to the danger, telling me to fight or run. Pretty weird to be thinking about science class at a time like this, and yet… I was sure my body was telling me to run in this particular case, but my mind understood that my chances of outrunning him were slim to none since my knee was still fucked up, my MCL wasn’t 100% yet. I thought of Jess again and tried to calm myself down. I took a deep breath, never taking my eyes off of him as I slowly slid the cap off the needle with my thumb. I needed him off guard so I said quietly, but with the desperation I really felt, “Please…just let me go…”

He laughed slightly and kept advancing on me, every few seconds he’d press the button on the taser, showing me how much he was going to enjoy using it on me again. It took every ounce of strength I had to not back away and run as he closed the distance between us. He reached his hand out and touched my cheek and said, “You and me…we’re gonna have some fun…”

I looked back at him, forced a smile and said, “Sure…let’s get it on…”

Faster than I thought possible, I jabbed the needle into his neck and depressed the plunger, and forced out the liquid. Surprise and alarm etch his face as he said, “You little fucking…”

I didn’t get to hear what he was planning on calling me as he collapsed onto the pavement. I reached down and grabbed the taser and chucked it as far as I could, I watched as it hit the pavement and broke into a thousand pieces. I took off towards the woods, suddenly hiding seemed like a much better idea then trying to flag down cars. I didn’t wanna end up in an even worse situation.

And then I don’t know what happened. One minute I was running, the next minute I felt unbelievable pain in my nose, and I saw stars as I fell backwards onto the pavement. I felt a whole bunch of warmth as blood gushed out of my nose, onto my hands and all over my shirt and jeans. I looked up at the other two in confusion when I heard the familiar click slide of a bullet entering the chamber of a 9 millimeter hand gun. From the sound of it I was guessing it was a Sig Sauer 9, but I may have been mistaken. The reason I would have any clue is because my uncle was a big gun nut, he had thousands, he used to take my brothers and I to the shooting range all the time.

I started shaking as much from the temperature and sudden blood loss as from fear, I kept looking between his eyes and the hand holding the gun. I’d never really seen the view from this side before, and I can tell you, I was not enjoying it. I tried not to cry but my body just wasn’t cooperating with me. Tears slid down my cheeks as I begged for my life, “Please don’t kill me…I’m sorry…I didn’t…”

The one with the gun said to me, “Shut your mouth…” He looked over toward the van and asked the other guy, “Check on Nigel, make sure he’s not dead.”

As the guy went to check on Nigel, I said to the guy with the gun, “I’m just…I’m sorry…”

He looked at me without an ounce of compassion, “I told you to shut the fuck up…I’d have no problems shooting you and burying you in the woods.”

I sat on the ground trying not to move, or speak or even breathe too loudly, as we waited for the other guy to come back. He was extremely angry and agitated, “She shot him up and dumped the rest of the drugs…”

I knew what was coming a second before I felt the hard kick in the kidneys and I tumbled a few feet away, I started crying harder as he kept kicking and punching me over and over again. I tried to pull myself into a ball, hoping to avoid the worst of the blows. Finally the man with the gun fired off a shot in the air, “Trevor! That’s enough…Let’s not have a repeat of the last time shall we? We can’t afford to lose this one.”

My mind was reeling in pain, I felt a rough hand on my arm as the guy said, “Get up…”

I struggled to stand up but was finding it very hard, my legs wouldn’t support me, Trevor, grabbed my other arm and together they dragged me back to the van. Once again they threw me inside, I crawled up into a ball silently praying for the pain to stop.

I must have dozed off, I’m not sure how long I’ve been sleeping. I feel really achy, like I’m getting the flu or something. I was trying to remember what happened when I felt a hand slide across my stomach and smiled as I thought I must of fucked up and gone to Chris’ house and one thing lead to another.

It wasn’t until I heard his voice in my ear that I remembered everything that was going on. He said, “I hear you don’t like boys...maybe you just haven’t met the right one…”

He started unbuttoning my pants and I didn’t do anything. I was in such pain, I was hurting so bad, all I could do was lay there and cry. I hoped it wouldn’t last too long or hurt too much. He was in the middle of pulling my pants down when I heard someone say, “Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing…”

Nigel stopped what he was doing and turned to look out of the van, “Hey…Robbie…be a good boy and go away and maybe when I’m done you can have a go…”

I struggled to look out the door to see who was speaking, hoping whoever it was would prevent this from happening. I didn’t see anyone but a flash of bright light that hurt my head really bad, the van lurched slightly and I heard a body hitting the floor and sliding away. I’m really hoping that was Nigel and not my would be hero. The same voice said again, “Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that?”

The smooth calm voice continued, “Now, I suggest you leave before I really get angry…”

I didn’t hear any response but footsteps running away from the van. I felt instant relief that Nigel had left without getting what he wanted. I had hoped I would never, ever see him again.

Of course I wasn’t that lucky, the next time I saw him nobody came to my rescue, nobody was there to stop it from happening. I remember what Quentin Travers said before he left me alone with that monster…”make her suffer, like Anna, but don’t kill her...”

The guy came closer to the van and gasped a little, “Oh god, what did they do to you Faith?”

The calm and concern in his voice caused me to remember home and my mom which made me just start crying all over again. I briefly wondered when I became such a cry baby. Some tough girl from Boston I am, huh?

The voice came again, “I’m so sorry…They weren’t supposed to hurt you. Let’s get you out of the van, ok.”

I finally looked up at him and I noticed he wasn’t as old as the other guys, maybe somewhere in his mid to late 20’s, black, with a shaved head and an earring. His eyes held a look of concern and caring, but I was wary of his slight British accent, so I backed further away.

He came inside and I couldn’t back any further away, he crouched down next to me, “Hey…it’s ok, I’m not gonna hurt you Faith. My name is Robin and I’m here to help you ok?”

I had no idea how or why he knew my name, nor why he was being so nice to me. I still wasn’t convinced he was on my side as he continued, “Come on, let’s get you out of this van and cleaned up a little and then we can call your parents. They must be really worried about you…”

I felt so tired, so overwhelmed with everything, I really wanted to believe him, and all I really wanted at that moment was to talk to my mom. She could make it all better, cause that’s what mom’s do.

He nodded and helped me out of the van which took awhile cause every move seem to bring about more pain, but he just kept talking to me, telling me everything was going to be ok. He walked me out of the garage and into a long corridor, I’m not really sure how long we walked before he steered me through another doorway. The room was a bedroom, and the second we walked in I started freaking out, but he calmly spoke to me, “I’m not going to be doing anything like you’re thinking. I just thought we could get you some warmer clothes.”

The room had two twin beds set on either side of the room, one side was decorated slightly, a tri-colored Bob Marley poster was on the wall, and a small brown teddy bear on the bed. He walked me over to the bed without the bear and I sat down, and he went rummaging through the drawers and finally handed me a fresh set of clothes. I looked up at him, still a little freaked and he smiled, “Oh..of course…you change, I’ll go grab a first aid kit and we’ll fix you up a little and then we can call home, ok?”

He turned to me and he looked so sincere, and I really believed he was going to help me so I said, “T-t-thank you…”

He smiled, nodded and closed the door. I looked around the room, I looked into the mirror on the wall and it took me a moment to realize it was reflecting me. I looked really bad, I had cuts and bruises and dried blood all over my face. After a few seconds I finally looked away and started changing, a shower might not have been a bad idea, I was all sticky with blood, but maybe I could shower after I talked to my mom, or got home.

I was surprised to find that the clothes were exactly my size, but didn’t really think about it. I put the clothes I took off into a pile, all except my jacket. It was rather dirty now, but I suddenly didn’t want to be without it. Wearing it made me feel a little closer to home, so I put it on and waited for Robin.

He knocked softly and I told him he could come in. He gave me a big smile, “Hey…while I was looking for the first aid kit, look what I found…it’s weird right?”

In his hand he held something about the size of a softball, but it was kinda glowing. He tossed it over to me, “Here have a look…”

I stupidly caught it and that was the moment Faith Christos died and Faith LeHane was born.

The dream quickly broke apart, but I didn’t wake up. I just kinda drifted there, thinking of the things that had happened to me. Realizing that I had spent a lot of time with Kendra, the slayer who I thought I never met. We shared that room until she left for Sunnydale and never came back. And then the whole Robin thing, so weird to realize that we actually knew each other before Sunnydale. Although it’s hard for me to actually remember what happened there in St. Louis, those memories have been manipulated so many times I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. There are so many different versions of the things that happened I’ll probably never be able to sort it all out.

Soon another dream beings to form, but it’s not like the other one. I know before it even starts it’s a slayer dream, but it’s just mine, Buffy isn’t here to share it.

I’m in total darkness, there is no light whatsoever, I’m fairly freaked out, I don’t really like the dark especially this darkness, it feels different. I have a deep sense of dread, like something bad is about to happen. I reach out with my mind, letting my slayer senses work. Over the last few years I’ve learned to use them to their full potential, partly because prison life is boring, but mostly because I never wanted to make the same mistake again.

I’m not sure if the dream has changed or if my senses have pointed out that it’s not completely dark, there is a small sliver of light, so I start walking toward it. I’m walking for just a short while when I hear a noise, it’s the sound of a dog crying and whining. Like it’s hurt and needs help, so I take off running toward it. I’m running at full slayer speed now, but I don’t seem to be getting any closer to the light nor the dog or anything for that matter. I try to push myself even more, every muscle in my legs is straining to move faster, my lungs are burning and still I’m not getting any closer.

I’m nowhere near the light when suddenly I’m outside, I’m in the woods. I know exactly where I am, I’m in the woods behind our house in Boston. If I take the path to the right I’ll end up in our backyard, but if I take the left path it will lead me to the rock quarry. I looked around, this place has so many memories of growing up and that should make me feel comfortable, but it doesn’t. It feels different here, colder, darker than I ever remember it being. I heard the dog again, this time it actually barked, I realize it’s not just any dog…it’s my dog…Max. Part of me wanted to go immediately and see what was making her sound like that, but another part, a deep down part told me I shouldn’t go, that I didn’t want to see. The feeling of dread kept getting stronger by the minute.

Of course I didn’t listen to that feeling, I’m a slayer, I can handle whatever is doing this so I took off for the quarry. I came out of the woods by the slope that ran down towards the water. I scanned the perimeter, I saw the dog, and my little brother, Luke. They were directly across from me, on the 40 foot ledge where I had made my infamous leap so many years ago. I call out to Luke but of course he didn’t hear me for some reason. I let out a sigh, fucking dreams, nothing is ever easy in them is it?

I run towards them, in reality, there is a path that runs along the top of the quarry, but in this dream it isn’t there. I have to run through the underbrush, pushing branches out of my way as I go, and again it’s like I’m running through snow, I just can’t seem to get there fast enough. I finally break through the brush into the little clearing. It’s like somebody just hit me in the stomach, all the air goes out of my lungs, all sounds seemed to have stopped and I immediately fall to my knees in shock and horror, I feel such pain, my heart feels like it’s just been broken into a million pieces and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to put it all back together.

I just take one look at her and I know it’s too late…nothing can help her now…she’s gone. I wanna try to pretend it’s not happening, that I’m wrong, I just want to think that she’s just sleeping but her eyes are open and vacant, there’s nothing behind them anymore, they stare out lifeless and empty.

I can’t stop staring at her, even in death she’s still so pretty… I can’t believe this is happening to me…to us. We had plans…we were going to California, certain we’d be discovered by some talent agent in a Starbucks and then we’d be famous.

This is perhaps the cruelest joke of all, to finally get my life back, to finally remember her, and to find out she’s dead. I know without a doubt this is all real, this is exactly what happened after the Council took me. I also know that this isn’t even all that happened, there’s more…so much more that happened.

The longer I stay here, the more I see, there’s a needle is still in her arm, a nearly empty bottle of tequila lies at her feet. Why? Why did she do this?

The sounds come rushing back to me, like somebody just turned off the mute button. I see now that the dog, Max is running back and forth between Jessie’s body and Luke. Oh God…Luke, he shouldn’t have had to see this. He’s just sitting there not moving, not blinking, if I didn’t see the steady rising and falling of his chest I’d be worried he was dead too. He’s just a little boy, he never should have seen this. None of this should have happened, this…this is…this is fucked up.

Luke looks over at me and says in a voice that sounds so cold, so distant, so seething with hate and anger that I never would have thought he could be like this. The part that scares me worse than anything is that he sounds exactly like I did back in Sunnydale, back when everything was bad. “I fucking hate you, FJ. Everything that has happened…EVERYTHING…is you’re fault…YOU did this…I’ll never fucking forgive you…”

I can’t take it, I have to get away and I start running, I have no idea where I’m going, or what I’m going to do. I’m stuck, the woods seem to be closing in on me, the tree branches seem to be reaching out trying to stop me. I can’t stop hearing Luke’s voice in my head, telling me this is my fault. I’m responsible for all of this bad stuff. But it’s not true…it can’t be true…this isn’t my fault...I didn’t do anything wrong…

The branches are grabbing at me, trying to hurt me, I try to push them off of me, to back away from them. It doesn’t seem to be working, I can’t get away, tears of hurt, and frustration sting my eyes, I start panicking. Suddenly I feel like I’m falling, and I land with a hard thump on the ground. Everything is getting worse, the branches are crowding me I feel like I can’t breathe…

I woke up on the floor of the hotel room, my mom was there holding onto me, trying to calm me down. She’s telling me it was just a dream, I was tangled in the blanket and fell off the bed. I look up at her and say, “Jessica…”

I watch the pain flash across her features, that confirms what I already learned in the dream. She looks at me with tears in her eyes, “We need to talk.”

Chapter Twenty - Aftermath

POV Rosemarie

She’s finally calmer now, laying here on the couch with me, Casablanca is playing on the television. It was one of her favorites. We used to do this all the time when she was growing up, she’d have bad dreams, and we’d sit up for awhile just watching old movies on television, just the two of us. I’m trying to get her to remember some of the good things from her life, things that will remind her she is loved, that she’s not alone anymore.

I hadn’t wanted to tell her everything right away; I had wanted to wait for a few days at least. Angel and Giles seemed to think waiting was a good idea, that she’d have enough just dealing with remembering everything. So we thought it would be better to wait, but when she woke up, I realized I didn’t have a choice, I had to tell her. She somehow already knew something had happened, so I told her everything.

I’m not sure if I did the right thing, I know a few days without knowing about it all would have been better for her. But there is no sense worrying about it now, it’s all out there, she knows everything.

I’m very worried about her; she’s having a really hard time dealing with everything right now. In the middle of finding out everything, her father called and wanted to talk to her, but she wouldn’t take the phone. She completely panicked at the thought of talking to him. And after spending days on the phone arguing with me that he should be out here with us, I think he finally understands why it wasn’t a good idea. Faith couldn’t have handled having him here, and I know that he definitely couldn’t have handled hearing about some of the things Faith went through since she was taken from us.

I’m also worried about the fact that it has been hours since we left the other hotel and Buffy has yet to call or show up. Everyone else has at least called and inquired about Faith, and Angel is coming over soon, hopefully he can get Buffy to come with him.

The movie ended and she got up off the couch and put on her jacket, “Where are you going?”

She didn’t look at me, but answered, “Need a cigarette…”

I just nodded, biting my tongue; she didn’t need to hear the anti-smoking speech right now, besides it hadn’t yet worked on Brian, so it probably wouldn’t make Faith stop either.

She went to walk past me and I reached out and took her hand and looked up at her, “Love you…”

She hesitated for a moment, reluctantly looking at me, I gave her a small smile, gave her hand a squeeze and she smiled slightly, “Love you too mom…”

I let her go and she went out on the balcony. I didn’t really want to watch the movie over again so I changed the channel and picked up the laptop. I really didn’t want to work right now either, but I had to give this paper the day after tomorrow and I wasn’t completely done writing it yet.

I’m not sure how long I was working before I heard the knock at the door, I looked toward the balcony, but Faith wasn’t making any effort to get up, so I answered the door myself.

It was Angel, unfortunately it was just Angel, Buffy didn’t seem to be anywhere around. I invited him in and couldn’t help but ask immediately, “Where’s Buffy?”

He looked down and sighed, “I don’t know…Fred saw her leave this afternoon, but Buffy wouldn’t say where she was going or when she’d be back. I had hoped she was coming over here, but I guess not.”

I shook my head no; suddenly worrying she had left for good, wondering what that would do to Faith. She’s already dealing with so much; she really didn’t need her girlfriend leaving her as well. And I knew Buffy was dealing with some issues herself and I was worried for her too. How long would she last being separated from her friends and family? And then there’s Dawn, what happens to her if Buffy leaves? “Do you think she’s gone for good?”

“No, I…” he sighed, “I really hope not…”

I just nodded, Angel looked as upset as I felt about it, we both knew it was the last thing either girl needed. I could see how relaxed the girls were around each other, that there is an inherent trust between them, that just being around each other is good for them. I have no idea how things could have ever been bad between them to see them these last few days. And I’ve heard all the stories of what happened between them, but it is just so hard to fathom it.

I can see how good they are together, so can everyone else, but life is strange sometimes, things don’t always work out like they should. It is possible to love someone, to feel that close to someone and still not be with them, to still have distance between them. Nick and I were proof of that, we had been the perfect couple, had everything going for us and when things went bad, we just drifted apart and before we knew it, we were talking about divorce. It wasn’t until this latest incident with Luke that we really started trying to work things out between us.

POV Angel

Rose seemed to lose herself for a moment there, and I tried to be respectful and wait for her to come back. I have to admit I’m a little unsure how to act here, it’s not like I have a whole lot of experience talking to someone’s mother. We seemed to get along pretty well, but then again, I’m close with Faith, Rose had to go through me to get to her. But now that Faith has her memories back, I’m not really needed any more, so I’m really unsure how to act. The only other experience I’ve had with someone’s mother was the one brief conversation I had with Joyce that didn’t really go as well as I wanted. But then again, Joyce was telling me to stop dating her daughter and leave town. Conversations like that rarely go very well, but in the end I knew she was right, I had to leave. But Rose on the other hand didn’t seem to have a problem with me; she seemed relieved I was here.

“She knows everything, I told her…”

Ah shit. Faith really didn’t need anymore to deal with right now, and with Buffy seemingly missing, what condition would Faith be in? And now I’m about to add even more stress, but it’s not like I have a choice.

“Before you go to her I just wanted to talk to you…”

She paused and I got nervous, I figured here’s where the conversation goes badly, she’s gonna say something about not trusting me with her, or about not really wanting me here or…

“I wanted to thank you; these past five years have been horrible for my daughter. It pains me to think that she spent all this time thinking that nobody cared about her, that nobody loved her, that she was all alone in the world.”

I was going to say something but she held up her hand to stop me, “So, thank you for being there for her when nobody else could or would do it. If you hadn’t she might have ended up dead, thinking she was unloved and uncared for and I cannot imagine anything worse than that, so thank you.”

I shifted uncomfortably, for as many times as I’ve heard it these past few years; I’m still not used to receiving thanks. Also no thanks is necessary, especially since it had been a pleasure being there for Faith. It didn’t take much time or effort to get past her defenses, she let me in quickly, which made me a little suspicious. Until it occurred to me it wasn’t me Faith trusted it was the fact that Buffy trusted me and Faith trusted Buffy. And of course that lead to other questions, and me being odd man out. I didn’t really react all that well to that information, went a little dark, scary Angel for awhile. I fired Cordy, Gunn and Wes, acted like a class A jerk. I took out my frustrations on everyone except Faith, I never blamed her for any of it. I knew it wasn’t her fault, knew that she was struggling to come to terms with it on her own. So I took it out on everyone else around me, and in the end, it was something Faith said to me that helped to bring me back. She’s helped me just as much as I helped her.

“She’s out on the balcony, let me know if you need anything…”

With that her mother sat back down on the couch and picked up the laptop, I took that as my cue to head outside.

I stepped out onto the balcony and took a seat in the chair next to Faith. While I don’t know exactly how she’s feeling right now, I can imagine it. Her situation is not unlike mine, getting my soul back, remembering everything I did without it, remembering everything I did before I lost it. Knowing that I wasn’t the person I was before I became a vampire, and I was no longer Angelus, but just who the hell was I? And that is exactly where Faith is now, she isn’t the girl who was taken from Boston, she isn’t the Faith that tried to kill me and went to prison, she isn’t even the Faith who left here for Sunnydale barely 4 weeks ago. And then there’s all the stuff that happened to her family after she was taken, so much to deal with, and five years away is a long time.

And then there’s Buffy, who has all but disappeared. I have a feeling she hasn’t left the LA area yet, but she could at any moment. I didn’t realize that making Buffy face her past was the wrong thing to do, I was just trying to help her. I hadn’t realized there are things in her past that have been hidden from even her, things the Council never wanted her to know about, to even think about. I know now why talking about Hell was so hard for her, she’s been programmed not to talk about anything. She’s been fed this bullshit that being a slayer means never letting anyone in, it means being all alone, it means never getting to be truly happy.

We hadn’t realized the depth of the Council’s mind control program when we found out about Faith, we didn’t know how long they had been doing it. Thanks to Wesley and his research, we’ve discovered that their mind control program dates back to the early 1970’s, in all, there were eighteen slayers and about twenty-three potentials affected. It wasn’t used on all slayers, but on the slayers and potentials they deemed to be problems. Buffy caught their attention when she cut herself and ended up in the hospital, and the Council was worried about the things she could tell the doctors. They didn’t like that she was going to be transferred to a mental health hospital for a few months, and they especially didn’t like that she was trying to come to terms with her sexuality. They decided the best way to deal with Buffy was to take her back to England with them. They didn’t quite get away with that, but they did manage to get close enough to cause damage.

Faith’s voice threw me for a second, I was so lost in my thoughts I had forgotten she was even here.

“Where is she? Why isn’t she here with me?”

I wondered how best to answer the question, I hadn’t a clue where Buffy was nor when or if she’d be coming back. Looking for her hadn’t worked out for me, hopefully the location spell Willow was working on would help us find her. “Um…she…”

Faith interrupted, “How am I supposed to take that? How am I supposed to feel about it? I need her and as usual she’s nowhere around.”

“Faith…”

“No, don’t…don’t you dare defend her…not this time.”

“I wasn’t defending her, but…”

“If I was important to her, if I really meant something to her…she’d fucking be here. Apparently she meant more to me than I ever meant to her and…”

“It’s not her fault she doesn’t remember you.”

That sentence stopped her cold, but she still asked me, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I took out the folder I had in my jacket and held it out to her, from the look on her face you’d think I was trying to hand her a box of snakes. She sighed and finally took the folder; she lit up a cigarette and began to read.

I watched her as she read, feeling bad that I was adding yet more crap to the long list of things she was dealing with, but there was little choice in the matter. When she finished, she looked at me and asked, “And she knows fuck all about this?”

I shook my head, “She doesn’t have a clue about any of it, just like you.”

She sat there quietly for a long time, and I sat there next to her, waiting for her to come to the same conclusions Giles and I already arrived at this afternoon. “This” she pointed down at the file still on her lap, “is going to hurt her a lot.” I nodded and she half sighed, half laughed, “And now you want me to help you find her?”

I nodded again.

“You know she’s gonna freak the fuck out when she finds this out, probably beat the crap outta whoever tells her this shit, and I cannot stress enough how much I don’t want to be that person.”

“Who would you suggest then? Me? Giles? We can’t match her strength and speed, you know that. Faith, it has to be you, there’s just no other way.”

Faith looked like she was about to blow, I worried that I just might have added the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. But instead she closed her eyes for a minute, steadied her breathing and just sat there for a long while. She didn’t speak or move unless it was to light up yet another cigarette. I wanted to shake her and demand she come to some sort of a decision, but I knew it was useless to push her; I just had to wait until she either came up with a better plan, or agreed to help me find her.

After what seemed like an hour she finally turned to me and started explaining her plan for helping Buffy and more importantly, my part in the plan for helping Buffy. I didn’t wholeheartedly agree with the plan, waiting for Buffy to come back on her own seemed a bit risky. Actually it seemed like one of the worst possible ideas ever, and I had no intention of stopping my search for Buffy. I even went so far as to question Faith’s motivation for not helping me, and I wasn’t all that nice about it either.

But Faith didn’t get angry or upset at being second guessed, she gave me an understanding smile and said, “If it makes you feel better to look, then by all means Angel, continue looking, but you won’t find her.”

We didn’t speak any more about it, what would have been the point; Faith had already made up her mind. So I left shortly thereafter, continuing my search for Buffy, even though I knew Faith was right, I wouldn’t find her.

The next day…

POV Faith

After everything I’ve been through these past few weeks, being at the mall feels kinda…surreal. And I’m not just talking about everything that happened with me, I’m just talking about the world nearly ending yet again. But looking around this place, at all these clueless people, you’d have never thought the world was ever in peril. Life goes on as if nothing ever happened.

So what am I doing here, sitting at the mall? Currently I am waiting for Dawn and my mom to finish shopping, trying not to think about anything, which is nearly impossible. I really hadn’t planned on doing anything today, still trying to wrap my head around everything, but Dawn called this morning and she seemed really upset about Buffy and before you knew it I was inviting her out for an afternoon to take her mind off things. It’s not her fault Buffy and I are fucked up, she shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. And I know my mom really wants to spend time with Dawn, it was only a matter of time before she started bugging me about it, so I figured I can make two people happy by doing something I despise. Yes, it’s true, I despise shopping at the mall, and Jessie told me many times, it’s like totally un-American to not like shopping at the mall. And I’d say to her…

Ah fuck…Jessie…I won’t be saying anything to her anymore, now will I? And that’s just completely fucked up. You know the more I think about it, the less I understand. I’m still stuck on why, as in why the fuck would she do it, just why, why, why? Jessica’s death is not something I’m likely to get over anytime soon. Never in a million years would I have ever thought she would kill herself. I just don’t understand what she was thinking; I don’t get how she could do it. I guess I’ll never really know all the reasons behind it, the only person who knows why is Jessica herself and she’s way past being able to tell me about it, and it’s way past me being able to do anything about it.

I just can’t believe she’s been gone for five years, and I feel like she just died yesterday. I just keep thinking about all the stuff we used to do together, how she was like always there you know. I remember how she was the first person I ever admitted to that I liked girls. She didn’t bat an eyelash, she gave me a hug and proceeded to grill me on which girls in our class I liked. And now she’s gone, just like that, I’ll never see her again. I’ll never talk to her again.

I found out she had been dating Brian for a couple of months before everything went bad. Neither one of them had said anything, they just both thought everyone would think it was weird, seeing as how we all grew up together. I don’t know why she thought I’d be upset about it, I woulda been happy for them.

This whole situation has me on an emotional roller coaster, one minute I’m so fucking sad she’s gone, sad I’ll never get to talk to her again. Then the next I’m mad at her for doing it, for letting my little brother see all that, because that really fucked him up. I’m mad for her hurting Brian, because after she died he just basically gave up, and now he spends his time with the other two. I’d be mad at her for the way Mark and Matt are turning out, dropping out of college, just playing video games and drinking their nights and weekends away. To be fair though, they’d probably be this way no matter what. And actually that doesn’t sound half-bad, it actually sounds like a lot of fun right about now. Pretty much anything that doesn’t require a whole lot of thought is very appealing right now.

I’m also mad at her for leaving me. Although technically I guess it was me who left her, but it’s not like I choose to leave. And even though I had no control over the situation, it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a failure, from feeling like I let her down, like I wasn’t there for her when she needed me.

And on top of all that stuff, Buffy is MIA, I was pretty bitter about it at first, thinking like I have in the past, that I just never mattered to her as much as she mattered to me. I was so angry and upset about everything that I actually thought about not going after her at all. Just letting her go and trying to move on with my life. And I’m not even really sure how I’d go about moving on with my life, I don’t know who I am anymore. I just want so much to step back into my old life, but five years away is a long fucking time. And not even five good years, five really long fucked up years. I can’t even talk to my dad on the phone without freaking out. I just keep seeing these fucked up images and I know that my dad never did anything like that, but it still freaks me out.

And just when I think my life can’t get any more fucked up, Angel lays all this Council bullshit on me. I swear it’s a god thing they are all gone, cause man…what I wouldn’t do to them. I know I’m supposed to be all reformed and stuff, but they screwed up my life beyond all recognition, and now I find out they fucked with Buffy too, not to mention all the others. Oh yeah payback would definitely be called for, and I’m not sure I’d be able to stop myself from going after them and that really scares me.

At least I know that Buffy is still around, not even all that far away because I can still feel her presence. I can still feel what she’s feeling, she’s all conflicted and angry and bitter too. If she feels that way now I cannot imagine how bad it’s gonna be when she finds out that it wasn’t just the Council’s doing, her dad played a big part in it all too. It’s really no bullshit, coming out of the closet is like the hardest thing you can do, I mean my parents were the coolest parents, but I was still freaked out about telling them. Jesus, they had gay friends, my fucking uncle was gay too, but I was still freaked. And poor Buffy finally gets up the courage to admit it only to be shoved right back in the closet by those Council assholes. I shudder to think what would have happened had the Council actually succeeded in taking Buffy back to England with them.

Although, I have to admit that reading it did make me sorta happy. No, I’m not happy they fucked with Buffy, I’m happy that at least I’m not crazy; we really did have something going there. I mean she did tell her mom she thought she was in love with me, that has to mean something right? I can’t just let her go now, not when we are so close to finally getting together.

POV Willow

A trip to six different magic shops in the LA area and I finally got all the ingredients I need to do the location spell. It seems our little group is split on the best way to deal with Buffy. Faith and Xander seem to think it’s best to wait for Buffy to come back on her own. Giles, Angel and I seem to want to do everything we can to find her immediately. And Anya could care less what we do, I swear I don’t know what planet she came from, but if I ever find it, it’s gonna be hard for me not to send her back.

Xander and I were stunned to learn what the Council had done to Buffy and the others, not that we weren’t stunned they had done it to Faith. But with Buffy it’s different, we’ve known her for years, we’ve pretty much just accepted that Buffy pulling away from us was just something she did cause she was the slayer, or cause she was trying to protect us. And yeah, at times her attitude towards us wears a little thin, like back in Sunnydale dealing with the First. But we just assumed that it was something about Buffy that we just needed to accept, we never thought it was because it was something the Council had implanted in her.

The thing with mind control is that it only affects the conscious brain, the subconscious isn’t as easily manipulated, it knows that something was done, that something isn’t quite computing. So when the subconscious takes over, while we sleep, some of those memories or thoughts and feelings from those memories seep into our dreams. I know this because this was how Tara caught me that time I did it to her. When Tara found the Lethe's Bramble, she immediately knew what I did. Of course it wasn’t that easy in this case, the Council was much more adept at it than I was, but it does explain some things. I think that explains why Buffy and Faith sharing that dream about how to beat the Mayor seemed so bizarre to Buffy. She had told me about it, how they had fought so hard to kill each other, and yet in this dream they felt entirely comfortable with each other. Like the real world was the fake one and the dream world was how it should be. Back then I scoffed at it cause I hated Faith so much, but now, it seems to make sense. In essence the real world was fake to them.

Dang it…I must have done something wrong, the stupid spell has her sitting right where I am, and that can’t be right. I mean if Buffy were right on top of me I’d kinda notice wouldn’t I? Be hard to miss a slayer being all right on top of you. Heh. I really miss Kennedy.

Oh…duh… This is a hotel, with lots of floors, Buffy can be right on top of me without me noticing. She must be upstairs, and since she came back on her own I’m thinking this is a good sign.

I went upstairs, and I could hear somebody moving around in one of the rooms, the door to the room was half open, and I could see that Buffy was indeed back. The first two things that hit me when I went inside is the fact that she’s packing a suitcase and smoking a cigarette.

“Hey Buffy…”

She doesn’t even look up as she stubs out the cigarette quickly she says, “Hey…”

“Um…What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m packing…”

I laugh slightly and shake my head, I’m quite confused, I also trying very hard to ignore the fact she’s got major attitude. “Um…we aren’t leaving for New York for a few days, not that you can’t pack early, cause being prepared is good and…”

“I’m not going to New York.”

Her words caught me completely off guard, “W-what?”

“You heard me…”

OK, the attitude is getting harder to ignore, and the fact that she hasn’t looked at me once since I came in and the fact that she keeps on putting stuff into her bags. I’m starting to feel a little angry, I know I should try to calm down, getting angry at her isn’t going to help matters. And I know this attitude of hers isn’t really all her doing, but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from getting angry. I think what Buffy is about to throw away, and I just can’t help being anything other than livid. She has the opportunity to have what I lost, a chance to be with her soul mate. What I wouldn’t give to have that chance again, what I wouldn’t give to see Tara one more time. To tell her how much I love her still, how much I miss her…

I was so worked up and angry and feeling slightly guilty because I have Kennedy to consider now that I couldn’t help myself, before I knew it Buffy was bouncing off the wall and her clothes were strewn all over the room.

She’s up off the floor and in my face in a flash, a normal person would be scared out of their wits at the quickness of her movement and that look on her face. But I’m not a normal person now am I, so I don’t move a muscle.

“What the FUCK is your problem Willow?”

“My problem? My problem is you acting like a…a fucking idiot.”

For a brief moment she looks surprised at my language, yeah that’s right Buffy, little Willow knows bad words too.

Her surprise fades back into anger, her jaw is clenched tight and her voice is low and mean, “You attacked me…”

POV Angel

No sooner then I get back to the hotel, I hear a lot of commotion going on upstairs. Doesn’t take long to find the source of the problem, it seems while I was out looking for Buffy she decided to come back. And now she and Willow are fighting, they’re screaming at each other, something about who needs to have every square inch of their ass kicked and by whom. Xander is trying to push Willow out of the room, and Giles is trying to keep Buffy in the room so that they don’t start exchanging blows. When I walk in Giles helps Xander get Willow out of the room, leaving me alone to deal with a pissed off slayer. You know what? Some days it really doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

Once Willow is out of the room, I close the door gently behind them, Buffy is muttering to herself as she picks up the empty duffel bag and her clothes that are strewn all over the room.

“Just who the fuck does she think she is? She really is full of herself; she needs to be taken down a notch or two, thinking she can take on me? Me? And would you look at this mess, I just packed all this stuff too, now I gotta re-pack. That’s just great, like I have time for this…”

While I could listen to her mutter all day long, I chose to interrupt, “Um…what’s going on here Buffy?”

Buffy stops her rant, looks a little self conscious and then gives me her best fake smile, “Oh…Angel, glad you’re here, I, uh, I need a favor…several actually…”

I sigh and take a seat cause this is probably gonna take awhile.

“First, I need you to have Faith appointed as Dawn’s guardian. I’m really not sure where I’m going or what I’ll be doing, but I can’t take care of her while I’m doing it. And Faith is Dawn’s other…parent I guess. And look, I know Faith and her family will take good care of her, probably a lot better than I ever could.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Angel…what I said in Sunnydale…it’s true, I’m not…ready. I just can’t… So I’m gonna go. It would be helpful if you could lend me some cash, and maybe give me a ride to the airport.”

There are a lot of things I want to say to her right now, but pushing her will only make her run farther faster. So I continue to play along, keep her talking, get her to think I’m on her side without raising her suspicions. So I ask, “Where are you gonna go?”

“Wherever the first plane I can get onto is going…the where part doesn’t matter…”

“As long as it’s away from Faith?”

“Look Angel…trust me, it’ll be better for Faith to have me gone. She doesn’t need me…”

“Are you kidding me? Faith needs you now more than ever, she’s dealing with a lot right now…

“No, Angel, she doesn’t need me, she’s got it all now. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted. She’s got the life now, the family, the destiny, it’s all hers now, and I got nothing. Everything I’ve ever worked for, fought for, and the Powers give her everything and me a big fat nothing…”

“Is that what this is about? The Powers picked Faith not you so now you are gonna leave? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this what you always wanted? To get out of being THE slayer.”

“Whatever…it doesn’t matter…I’m leaving.”

“So you’re just gonna leave town tonight and you aren’t even going to speak to her?

“Believe me a clean break is what is best for everyone.”

“Buffy…don’t do this to her, she deserves better than this.”

“Oh wait, that’s right…I forgot…apart from everything else she’s got, she’s got you too.”

Huh? “Buffy…that’s not fair. Faith is my friend…”

Buffy turns away in disgust and mumbles, “Yeah I bet…what are friends for?”

Again I say, huh? “What? Buffy…Faith and I never even came close to that, not even…”

“Not even when the Mayor wanted to steal your soul? When you were pretending to be all Angelus, you mean to tell me you didn’t even kiss her?”

Whoa…how’d we get on this topic? It is true, Faith and I did kiss each other, but it wasn’t…good, neither one of us really enjoyed it. And for a girl who supposedly wanted to get it on with me, she certainly made sure we weren’t alone long enough to even think about doing it. “Well…I”

“I fucking knew it. Look…are you gonna help me or not?”

Wow…was Buffy always this hard to deal with? Oh wait, I get it now. She’s deflecting me away from the real topic, onto something she knows makes me uncomfortable. “Look Buffy, just stay here tonight and sleep on this. If you still feel the same way in the morning I’ll help you do whatever it is you want to do.”

Uh oh, she looks suspicious, wondering why I want her to stay here, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned sleep. “No, I’m leaving tonight, with or without your help.”

Shit…, “Alright, fine, I’ll help you.”

“Great…thanks…”

I wait until Buffy goes back to picking up her stuff, so she’s only half paying attention to what I’m doing. I make like I’m gonna leave, but I say, “Oh just one more thing Buffy…”

I know I only have one shot at this, she’s a lot quicker than me now. She looks up at me just in time to see my fist as it connects with her face. Unfortunately for her, it’s just a second too late and she falls back onto the floor.

“No, no…I insist…stay the night…”




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			Chapter Nineteen – Memories Part Deux POV Faith I woke up to realize I was alone in the van, the only sound that could be heard was the pinging noises of the engine cooling. I sat up slowly trying not to aggravate my head anymore than I had to, I gently felt around my shoulder trying to assess the damage to it. Thankfully it was only bruised and not dislocated. My clothes were still damp from falling in the snow, I was beyond cold now. I had no idea where my captors had gone, nor any idea who they were, I did, however, remember they said something about Britain. Therefore I was pretty sure this had something to do with my grandparents but fuck if I knew what. The safe bet was on they wanted money and thought my grandparents would give it to them. That thought did make me stop and pause, would my grandparents part with money for my safe return. I’m sure you’re thinking they would, but I really wasn’t too sure, I wasn’t their favorite grandchild. OK Faith, let’s start trying to get out of this mess. Who really cares why, time to focus on the important thing, getting the fuck out of here. I looked around the van looking for something I could use as a weapon should they come back while I was trying to leave. I didn’t know if I’d have the guts to use it when it came time, hopefully I just wouldn’t see them again. There really wasn’t anything in here on the weapon front, but I did spy a package that had a medical insignia on it. I grabbed it and inside I discovered three needles filled with a yellowish liquid and one suspiciously empty. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this is what they used on me. Thinking it would probably be best to dump the drugs just in case they caught me again. I wouldn’t be able to try to get away if I was drugged. I emptied two of the syringes but decided to hang onto the last one thinking that maybe I could use against them if I had to. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have time to inject all three of them, this little trick would most likely only work once. Although with my luck, I’ll probably wind up injecting myself. I quietly opened the back door to the van and freaked out when the light popped on, it was dark outside and that light seemed as bright as the sun, I hurriedly got out and closed the door as fast as I could, hoping nobody had noticed. I looked around, we seemed to be at a rest stop, unfortunately it was completely deserted. I could see the headlights of the traffic on the highway, thinking I’d be able to flag someone down I started in that direction. I took three steps when I heard him, “Going somewhere?” I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of the voice, I turned around and noticed it was just one of them. So far luck was working for me. I tried not to panic, trying to be more like Jessie than me. Jess always seemed to know what exactly to do in any given situation. The man was a lot bigger than me, it fucking figured the one who would come back would be the biggest one of the three. He held up his hand and showed me what was in it, a taser gun, I’m guessing that’s what got me in the shoulder earlier. He flicked it on and fired it up, I could see his face in the white electric light of the machine. As nervous as I was about being shot with that thing again, I was more worried by the look on the man’s face, it disgusted me and frightened me at the same time. It was the way his eyes looked me over, combined with the way he licked his lips, there was no question what he wanted to do to me. And I was certain there wouldn’t be a damn thing I could do about it either. I felt the adrenaline start pumping through my veins, suddenly remembering it was the sympathetic nervous system in action. Reacting to the danger, telling me to fight or run. Pretty weird to be thinking about science class at a time like this, and yet… I was sure my body was telling me to run in this particular case, but my mind understood that my chances of outrunning him were slim to none since my knee was still fucked up, my MCL wasn’t 100% yet. I thought of Jess again and tried to calm myself down. I took a deep breath, never taking my eyes off of him as I slowly slid the cap off the needle with my thumb. I needed him off guard so I said quietly, but with the desperation I really felt, “Please…just let me go…” He laughed slightly and kept advancing on me, every few seconds he’d press the button on the taser, showing me how much he was going to enjoy using it on me again. It took every ounce of strength I had to not back away and run as he closed the distance between us. He reached his hand out and touched my cheek and said, “You and me…we’re gonna have some fun…” I looked back at him, forced a smile and said, “Sure…let’s get it on…” Faster than I thought possible, I jabbed the needle into his neck and depressed the plunger, and forced out the liquid. Surprise and alarm etch his face as he said, “You little fucking…” I didn’t get to hear what he was planning on calling me as he collapsed onto the pavement. I reached down and grabbed the taser and chucked it as far as I could, I watched as it hit the pavement and broke into a thousand pieces. I took off towards the woods, suddenly hiding seemed like a much better idea then trying to flag down cars. I didn’t wanna end up in an even worse situation. And then I don’t know what happened. One minute I was running, the next minute I felt unbelievable pain in my nose, and I saw stars as I fell backwards onto the pavement. I felt a whole bunch of warmth as blood gushed out of my nose, onto my hands and all over my shirt and jeans. I looked up at the other two in confusion when I heard the familiar click slide of a bullet entering the chamber of a 9 millimeter hand gun. From the sound of it I was guessing it was a Sig Sauer 9, but I may have been mistaken. The reason I would have any clue is because my uncle was a big gun nut, he had thousands, he used to take my brothers and I to the shooting range all the time. I started shaking as much from the temperature and sudden blood loss as from fear, I kept looking between his eyes and the hand holding the gun. I’d never really seen the view from this side before, and I can tell you, I was not enjoying it. I tried not to cry but my body just wasn’t cooperating with me. Tears slid down my cheeks as I begged for my life, “Please don’t kill me…I’m sorry…I didn’t…” The one with the gun said to me, “Shut your mouth…” He looked over toward the van and asked the other guy, “Check on Nigel, make sure he’s not dead.” As the guy went to check on Nigel, I said to the guy with the gun, “I’m just…I’m sorry…” He looked at me without an ounce of compassion, “I told you to shut the fuck up…I’d have no problems shooting you and burying you in the woods.” I sat on the ground trying not to move, or speak or even breathe too loudly, as we waited for the other guy to come back. He was extremely angry and agitated, “She shot him up and dumped the rest of the drugs…” I knew what was coming a second before I felt the hard kick in the kidneys and I tumbled a few feet away, I started crying harder as he kept kicking and punching me over and over again. I tried to pull myself into a ball, hoping to avoid the worst of the blows. Finally the man with the gun fired off a shot in the air, “Trevor! That’s enough…Let’s not have a repeat of the last time shall we? We can’t afford to lose this one.” My mind was reeling in pain, I felt a rough hand on my arm as the guy said, “Get up…” I struggled to stand up but was finding it very hard, my legs wouldn’t support me, Trevor, grabbed my other arm and together they dragged me back to the van. Once again they threw me inside, I crawled up into a ball silently praying for the pain to stop. I must have dozed off, I’m not sure how long I’ve been sleeping. I feel really achy, like I’m getting the flu or something. I was trying to remember what happened when I felt a hand slide across my stomach and smiled as I thought I must of fucked up and gone to Chris’ house and one thing lead to another. It wasn’t until I heard his voice in my ear that I remembered everything that was going on. He said, “I hear you don’t like boys...maybe you just haven’t met the right one…” He started unbuttoning my pants and I didn’t do anything. I was in such pain, I was hurting so bad, all I could do was lay there and cry. I hoped it wouldn’t last too long or hurt too much. He was in the middle of pulling my pants down when I heard someone say, “Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing…” Nigel stopped what he was doing and turned to look out of the van, “Hey…Robbie…be a good boy and go away and maybe when I’m done you can have a go…” I struggled to look out the door to see who was speaking, hoping whoever it was would prevent this from happening. I didn’t see anyone but a flash of bright light that hurt my head really bad, the van lurched slightly and I heard a body hitting the floor and sliding away. I’m really hoping that was Nigel and not my would be hero. The same voice said again, “Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that?” “Aye…” came the groaned response from Nigel. The smooth calm voice continued, “Now, I suggest you leave before I really get angry…” I didn’t hear any response but footsteps running away from the van. I felt instant relief that Nigel had left without getting what he wanted. I had hoped I would never, ever see him again. Of course I wasn’t that lucky, the next time I saw him nobody came to my rescue, nobody was there to stop it from happening. I remember what Quentin Travers said before he left me alone with that monster…”make her suffer, like Anna, but don’t kill her...” The guy came closer to the van and gasped a little, “Oh god, what did they do to you Faith?” The calm and concern in his voice caused me to remember home and my mom which made me just start crying all over again. I briefly wondered when I became such a cry baby. Some tough girl from Boston I am, huh? The voice came again, “I’m so sorry…They weren’t supposed to hurt you. Let’s get you out of the van, ok.” I finally looked up at him and I noticed he wasn’t as old as the other guys, maybe somewhere in his mid to late 20’s, black, with a shaved head and an earring. His eyes held a look of concern and caring, but I was wary of his slight British accent, so I backed further away. He came inside and I couldn’t back any further away, he crouched down next to me, “Hey…it’s ok, I’m not gonna hurt you Faith. My name is Robin and I’m here to help you ok?” I had no idea how or why he knew my name, nor why he was being so nice to me. I still wasn’t convinced he was on my side as he continued, “Come on, let’s get you out of this van and cleaned up a little and then we can call your parents. They must be really worried about you…” I felt so tired, so overwhelmed with everything, I really wanted to believe him, and all I really wanted at that moment was to talk to my mom. She could make it all better, cause that’s what mom’s do. “Help me?” He nodded and helped me out of the van which took awhile cause every move seem to bring about more pain, but he just kept talking to me, telling me everything was going to be ok. He walked me out of the garage and into a long corridor, I’m not really sure how long we walked before he steered me through another doorway. The room was a bedroom, and the second we walked in I started freaking out, but he calmly spoke to me, “I’m not going to be doing anything like you’re thinking. I just thought we could get you some warmer clothes.” The room had two twin beds set on either side of the room, one side was decorated slightly, a tri-colored Bob Marley poster was on the wall, and a small brown teddy bear on the bed. He walked me over to the bed without the bear and I sat down, and he went rummaging through the drawers and finally handed me a fresh set of clothes. I looked up at him, still a little freaked and he smiled, “Oh..of course…you change, I’ll go grab a first aid kit and we’ll fix you up a little and then we can call home, ok?” I nodded and he turned to go out and I called out to him, “Robin?” He turned to me and he looked so sincere, and I really believed he was going to help me so I said, “T-t-thank you…” He smiled, nodded and closed the door. I looked around the room, I looked into the mirror on the wall and it took me a moment to realize it was reflecting me. I looked really bad, I had cuts and bruises and dried blood all over my face. After a few seconds I finally looked away and started changing, a shower might not have been a bad idea, I was all sticky with blood, but maybe I could shower after I talked to my mom, or got home. I was surprised to find that the clothes were exactly my size, but didn’t really think about it. I put the clothes I took off into a pile, all except my jacket. It was rather dirty now, but I suddenly didn’t want to be without it. Wearing it made me feel a little closer to home, so I put it on and waited for Robin. He knocked softly and I told him he could come in. He gave me a big smile, “Hey…while I was looking for the first aid kit, look what I found…it’s weird right?” In his hand he held something about the size of a softball, but it was kinda glowing. He tossed it over to me, “Here have a look…” I stupidly caught it and that was the moment Faith Christos died and Faith LeHane was born. The dream quickly broke apart, but I didn’t wake up. I just kinda drifted there, thinking of the things that had happened to me. Realizing that I had spent a lot of time with Kendra, the slayer who I thought I never met. We shared that room until she left for Sunnydale and never came back. And then the whole Robin thing, so weird to realize that we actually knew each other before Sunnydale. Although it’s hard for me to actually remember what happened there in St. Louis, those memories have been manipulated so many times I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. There are so many different versions of the things that happened I’ll probably never be able to sort it all out. Soon another dream beings to form, but it’s not like the other one. I know before it even starts it’s a slayer dream, but it’s just mine, Buffy isn’t here to share it. I’m in total darkness, there is no light whatsoever, I’m fairly freaked out, I don’t really like the dark especially this darkness, it feels different. I have a deep sense of dread, like something bad is about to happen. I reach out with my mind, letting my slayer senses work. Over the last few years I’ve learned to use them to their full potential, partly because prison life is boring, but mostly because I never wanted to make the same mistake again. I’m not sure if the dream has changed or if my senses have pointed out that it’s not completely dark, there is a small sliver of light, so I start walking toward it. I’m walking for just a short while when I hear a noise, it’s the sound of a dog crying and whining. Like it’s hurt and needs help, so I take off running toward it. I’m running at full slayer speed now, but I don’t seem to be getting any closer to the light nor the dog or anything for that matter. I try to push myself even more, every muscle in my legs is straining to move faster, my lungs are burning and still I’m not getting any closer. I’m nowhere near the light when suddenly I’m outside, I’m in the woods. I know exactly where I am, I’m in the woods behind our house in Boston. If I take the path to the right I’ll end up in our backyard, but if I take the left path it will lead me to the rock quarry. I looked around, this place has so many memories of growing up and that should make me feel comfortable, but it doesn’t. It feels different here, colder, darker than I ever remember it being. I heard the dog again, this time it actually barked, I realize it’s not just any dog…it’s my dog…Max. Part of me wanted to go immediately and see what was making her sound like that, but another part, a deep down part told me I shouldn’t go, that I didn’t want to see. The feeling of dread kept getting stronger by the minute. Of course I didn’t listen to that feeling, I’m a slayer, I can handle whatever is doing this so I took off for the quarry. I came out of the woods by the slope that ran down towards the water. I scanned the perimeter, I saw the dog, and my little brother, Luke. They were directly across from me, on the 40 foot ledge where I had made my infamous leap so many years ago. I call out to Luke but of course he didn’t hear me for some reason. I let out a sigh, fucking dreams, nothing is ever easy in them is it? I run towards them, in reality, there is a path that runs along the top of the quarry, but in this dream it isn’t there. I have to run through the underbrush, pushing branches out of my way as I go, and again it’s like I’m running through snow, I just can’t seem to get there fast enough. I finally break through the brush into the little clearing. It’s like somebody just hit me in the stomach, all the air goes out of my lungs, all sounds seemed to have stopped and I immediately fall to my knees in shock and horror, I feel such pain, my heart feels like it’s just been broken into a million pieces and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to put it all back together. I just take one look at her and I know it’s too late…nothing can help her now…she’s gone. I wanna try to pretend it’s not happening, that I’m wrong, I just want to think that she’s just sleeping but her eyes are open and vacant, there’s nothing behind them anymore, they stare out lifeless and empty. I can’t stop staring at her, even in death she’s still so pretty… I can’t believe this is happening to me…to us. We had plans…we were going to California, certain we’d be discovered by some talent agent in a Starbucks and then we’d be famous. This is perhaps the cruelest joke of all, to finally get my life back, to finally remember her, and to find out she’s dead. I know without a doubt this is all real, this is exactly what happened after the Council took me. I also know that this isn’t even all that happened, there’s more…so much more that happened. The longer I stay here, the more I see, there’s a needle is still in her arm, a nearly empty bottle of tequila lies at her feet. Why? Why did she do this? The sounds come rushing back to me, like somebody just turned off the mute button. I see now that the dog, Max is running back and forth between Jessie’s body and Luke. Oh God…Luke, he shouldn’t have had to see this. He’s just sitting there not moving, not blinking, if I didn’t see the steady rising and falling of his chest I’d be worried he was dead too. He’s just a little boy, he never should have seen this. None of this should have happened, this…this is…this is fucked up. Luke looks over at me and says in a voice that sounds so cold, so distant, so seething with hate and anger that I never would have thought he could be like this. The part that scares me worse than anything is that he sounds exactly like I did back in Sunnydale, back when everything was bad. “I fucking hate you, FJ. Everything that has happened…EVERYTHING…is you’re fault…YOU did this…I’ll never fucking forgive you…” I can’t take it, I have to get away and I start running, I have no idea where I’m going, or what I’m going to do. I’m stuck, the woods seem to be closing in on me, the tree branches seem to be reaching out trying to stop me. I can’t stop hearing Luke’s voice in my head, telling me this is my fault. I’m responsible for all of this bad stuff. But it’s not true…it can’t be true…this isn’t my fault...I didn’t do anything wrong… The branches are grabbing at me, trying to hurt me, I try to push them off of me, to back away from them. It doesn’t seem to be working, I can’t get away, tears of hurt, and frustration sting my eyes, I start panicking. Suddenly I feel like I’m falling, and I land with a hard thump on the ground. Everything is getting worse, the branches are crowding me I feel like I can’t breathe… “Faith!” I woke up on the floor of the hotel room, my mom was there holding onto me, trying to calm me down. She’s telling me it was just a dream, I was tangled in the blanket and fell off the bed. I look up at her and say, “Jessica…” I watch the pain flash across her features, that confirms what I already learned in the dream. She looks at me with tears in her eyes, “We need to talk.” Chapter Twenty - Aftermath POV Rosemarie She’s finally calmer now, laying here on the couch with me, Casablanca is playing on the television. It was one of her favorites. We used to do this all the time when she was growing up, she’d have bad dreams, and we’d sit up for awhile just watching old movies on television, just the two of us. I’m trying to get her to remember some of the good things from her life, things that will remind her she is loved, that she’s not alone anymore. I hadn’t wanted to tell her everything right away; I had wanted to wait for a few days at least. Angel and Giles seemed to think waiting was a good idea, that she’d have enough just dealing with remembering everything. So we thought it would be better to wait, but when she woke up, I realized I didn’t have a choice, I had to tell her. She somehow already knew something had happened, so I told her everything. I’m not sure if I did the right thing, I know a few days without knowing about it all would have been better for her. But there is no sense worrying about it now, it’s all out there, she knows everything. I’m very worried about her; she’s having a really hard time dealing with everything right now. In the middle of finding out everything, her father called and wanted to talk to her, but she wouldn’t take the phone. She completely panicked at the thought of talking to him. And after spending days on the phone arguing with me that he should be out here with us, I think he finally understands why it wasn’t a good idea. Faith couldn’t have handled having him here, and I know that he definitely couldn’t have handled hearing about some of the things Faith went through since she was taken from us. I’m also worried about the fact that it has been hours since we left the other hotel and Buffy has yet to call or show up. Everyone else has at least called and inquired about Faith, and Angel is coming over soon, hopefully he can get Buffy to come with him. The movie ended and she got up off the couch and put on her jacket, “Where are you going?” She didn’t look at me, but answered, “Need a cigarette…” I just nodded, biting my tongue; she didn’t need to hear the anti-smoking speech right now, besides it hadn’t yet worked on Brian, so it probably wouldn’t make Faith stop either. She went to walk past me and I reached out and took her hand and looked up at her, “Love you…” She hesitated for a moment, reluctantly looking at me, I gave her a small smile, gave her hand a squeeze and she smiled slightly, “Love you too mom…” I let her go and she went out on the balcony. I didn’t really want to watch the movie over again so I changed the channel and picked up the laptop. I really didn’t want to work right now either, but I had to give this paper the day after tomorrow and I wasn’t completely done writing it yet. I’m not sure how long I was working before I heard the knock at the door, I looked toward the balcony, but Faith wasn’t making any effort to get up, so I answered the door myself. It was Angel, unfortunately it was just Angel, Buffy didn’t seem to be anywhere around. I invited him in and couldn’t help but ask immediately, “Where’s Buffy?” He looked down and sighed, “I don’t know…Fred saw her leave this afternoon, but Buffy wouldn’t say where she was going or when she’d be back. I had hoped she was coming over here, but I guess not.” I shook my head no; suddenly worrying she had left for good, wondering what that would do to Faith. She’s already dealing with so much; she really didn’t need her girlfriend leaving her as well. And I knew Buffy was dealing with some issues herself and I was worried for her too. How long would she last being separated from her friends and family? And then there’s Dawn, what happens to her if Buffy leaves? “Do you think she’s gone for good?” “No, I…” he sighed, “I really hope not…” I just nodded, Angel looked as upset as I felt about it, we both knew it was the last thing either girl needed. I could see how relaxed the girls were around each other, that there is an inherent trust between them, that just being around each other is good for them. I have no idea how things could have ever been bad between them to see them these last few days. And I’ve heard all the stories of what happened between them, but it is just so hard to fathom it. I can see how good they are together, so can everyone else, but life is strange sometimes, things don’t always work out like they should. It is possible to love someone, to feel that close to someone and still not be with them, to still have distance between them. Nick and I were proof of that, we had been the perfect couple, had everything going for us and when things went bad, we just drifted apart and before we knew it, we were talking about divorce. It wasn’t until this latest incident with Luke that we really started trying to work things out between us. POV Angel Rose seemed to lose herself for a moment there, and I tried to be respectful and wait for her to come back. I have to admit I’m a little unsure how to act here, it’s not like I have a whole lot of experience talking to someone’s mother. We seemed to get along pretty well, but then again, I’m close with Faith, Rose had to go through me to get to her. But now that Faith has her memories back, I’m not really needed any more, so I’m really unsure how to act. The only other experience I’ve had with someone’s mother was the one brief conversation I had with Joyce that didn’t really go as well as I wanted. But then again, Joyce was telling me to stop dating her daughter and leave town. Conversations like that rarely go very well, but in the end I knew she was right, I had to leave. But Rose on the other hand didn’t seem to have a problem with me; she seemed relieved I was here. “She knows everything, I told her…” Ah shit. Faith really didn’t need anymore to deal with right now, and with Buffy seemingly missing, what condition would Faith be in? And now I’m about to add even more stress, but it’s not like I have a choice. “Before you go to her I just wanted to talk to you…” She paused and I got nervous, I figured here’s where the conversation goes badly, she’s gonna say something about not trusting me with her, or about not really wanting me here or… “I wanted to thank you; these past five years have been horrible for my daughter. It pains me to think that she spent all this time thinking that nobody cared about her, that nobody loved her, that she was all alone in the world.” I was going to say something but she held up her hand to stop me, “So, thank you for being there for her when nobody else could or would do it. If you hadn’t she might have ended up dead, thinking she was unloved and uncared for and I cannot imagine anything worse than that, so thank you.” I shifted uncomfortably, for as many times as I’ve heard it these past few years; I’m still not used to receiving thanks. Also no thanks is necessary, especially since it had been a pleasure being there for Faith. It didn’t take much time or effort to get past her defenses, she let me in quickly, which made me a little suspicious. Until it occurred to me it wasn’t me Faith trusted it was the fact that Buffy trusted me and Faith trusted Buffy. And of course that lead to other questions, and me being odd man out. I didn’t really react all that well to that information, went a little dark, scary Angel for awhile. I fired Cordy, Gunn and Wes, acted like a class A jerk. I took out my frustrations on everyone except Faith, I never blamed her for any of it. I knew it wasn’t her fault, knew that she was struggling to come to terms with it on her own. So I took it out on everyone else around me, and in the end, it was something Faith said to me that helped to bring me back. She’s helped me just as much as I helped her. “She’s out on the balcony, let me know if you need anything…” With that her mother sat back down on the couch and picked up the laptop, I took that as my cue to head outside. I stepped out onto the balcony and took a seat in the chair next to Faith. While I don’t know exactly how she’s feeling right now, I can imagine it. Her situation is not unlike mine, getting my soul back, remembering everything I did without it, remembering everything I did before I lost it. Knowing that I wasn’t the person I was before I became a vampire, and I was no longer Angelus, but just who the hell was I? And that is exactly where Faith is now, she isn’t the girl who was taken from Boston, she isn’t the Faith that tried to kill me and went to prison, she isn’t even the Faith who left here for Sunnydale barely 4 weeks ago. And then there’s all the stuff that happened to her family after she was taken, so much to deal with, and five years away is a long time. And then there’s Buffy, who has all but disappeared. I have a feeling she hasn’t left the LA area yet, but she could at any moment. I didn’t realize that making Buffy face her past was the wrong thing to do, I was just trying to help her. I hadn’t realized there are things in her past that have been hidden from even her, things the Council never wanted her to know about, to even think about. I know now why talking about Hell was so hard for her, she’s been programmed not to talk about anything. She’s been fed this bullshit that being a slayer means never letting anyone in, it means being all alone, it means never getting to be truly happy. We hadn’t realized the depth of the Council’s mind control program when we found out about Faith, we didn’t know how long they had been doing it. Thanks to Wesley and his research, we’ve discovered that their mind control program dates back to the early 1970’s, in all, there were eighteen slayers and about twenty-three potentials affected. It wasn’t used on all slayers, but on the slayers and potentials they deemed to be problems. Buffy caught their attention when she cut herself and ended up in the hospital, and the Council was worried about the things she could tell the doctors. They didn’t like that she was going to be transferred to a mental health hospital for a few months, and they especially didn’t like that she was trying to come to terms with her sexuality. They decided the best way to deal with Buffy was to take her back to England with them. They didn’t quite get away with that, but they did manage to get close enough to cause damage. Faith’s voice threw me for a second, I was so lost in my thoughts I had forgotten she was even here. “Where is she? Why isn’t she here with me?” I wondered how best to answer the question, I hadn’t a clue where Buffy was nor when or if she’d be coming back. Looking for her hadn’t worked out for me, hopefully the location spell Willow was working on would help us find her. “Um…she…” Faith interrupted, “How am I supposed to take that? How am I supposed to feel about it? I need her and as usual she’s nowhere around.” “Faith…” “No, don’t…don’t you dare defend her…not this time.” “I wasn’t defending her, but…” “If I was important to her, if I really meant something to her…she’d fucking be here. Apparently she meant more to me than I ever meant to her and…” “It’s not her fault she doesn’t remember you.” That sentence stopped her cold, but she still asked me, “What the fuck are you talking about?” I took out the folder I had in my jacket and held it out to her, from the look on her face you’d think I was trying to hand her a box of snakes. She sighed and finally took the folder; she lit up a cigarette and began to read. I watched her as she read, feeling bad that I was adding yet more crap to the long list of things she was dealing with, but there was little choice in the matter. When she finished, she looked at me and asked, “And she knows fuck all about this?” I shook my head, “She doesn’t have a clue about any of it, just like you.” She sat there quietly for a long time, and I sat there next to her, waiting for her to come to the same conclusions Giles and I already arrived at this afternoon. “This” she pointed down at the file still on her lap, “is going to hurt her a lot.” I nodded and she half sighed, half laughed, “And now you want me to help you find her?” I nodded again. “You know she’s gonna freak the fuck out when she finds this out, probably beat the crap outta whoever tells her this shit, and I cannot stress enough how much I don’t want to be that person.” “Who would you suggest then? Me? Giles? We can’t match her strength and speed, you know that. Faith, it has to be you, there’s just no other way.” Faith looked like she was about to blow, I worried that I just might have added the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. But instead she closed her eyes for a minute, steadied her breathing and just sat there for a long while. She didn’t speak or move unless it was to light up yet another cigarette. I wanted to shake her and demand she come to some sort of a decision, but I knew it was useless to push her; I just had to wait until she either came up with a better plan, or agreed to help me find her. After what seemed like an hour she finally turned to me and started explaining her plan for helping Buffy and more importantly, my part in the plan for helping Buffy. I didn’t wholeheartedly agree with the plan, waiting for Buffy to come back on her own seemed a bit risky. Actually it seemed like one of the worst possible ideas ever, and I had no intention of stopping my search for Buffy. I even went so far as to question Faith’s motivation for not helping me, and I wasn’t all that nice about it either. But Faith didn’t get angry or upset at being second guessed, she gave me an understanding smile and said, “If it makes you feel better to look, then by all means Angel, continue looking, but you won’t find her.” We didn’t speak any more about it, what would have been the point; Faith had already made up her mind. So I left shortly thereafter, continuing my search for Buffy, even though I knew Faith was right, I wouldn’t find her. The next day… POV Faith After everything I’ve been through these past few weeks, being at the mall feels kinda…surreal. And I’m not just talking about everything that happened with me, I’m just talking about the world nearly ending yet again. But looking around this place, at all these clueless people, you’d have never thought the world was ever in peril. Life goes on as if nothing ever happened. So what am I doing here, sitting at the mall? Currently I am waiting for Dawn and my mom to finish shopping, trying not to think about anything, which is nearly impossible. I really hadn’t planned on doing anything today, still trying to wrap my head around everything, but Dawn called this morning and she seemed really upset about Buffy and before you knew it I was inviting her out for an afternoon to take her mind off things. It’s not her fault Buffy and I are fucked up, she shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. And I know my mom really wants to spend time with Dawn, it was only a matter of time before she started bugging me about it, so I figured I can make two people happy by doing something I despise. Yes, it’s true, I despise shopping at the mall, and Jessie told me many times, it’s like totally un-American to not like shopping at the mall. And I’d say to her… Ah fuck…Jessie…I won’t be saying anything to her anymore, now will I? And that’s just completely fucked up. You know the more I think about it, the less I understand. I’m still stuck on why, as in why the fuck would she do it, just why, why, why? Jessica’s death is not something I’m likely to get over anytime soon. Never in a million years would I have ever thought she would kill herself. I just don’t understand what she was thinking; I don’t get how she could do it. I guess I’ll never really know all the reasons behind it, the only person who knows why is Jessica herself and she’s way past being able to tell me about it, and it’s way past me being able to do anything about it. I just can’t believe she’s been gone for five years, and I feel like she just died yesterday. I just keep thinking about all the stuff we used to do together, how she was like always there you know. I remember how she was the first person I ever admitted to that I liked girls. She didn’t bat an eyelash, she gave me a hug and proceeded to grill me on which girls in our class I liked. And now she’s gone, just like that, I’ll never see her again. I’ll never talk to her again. I found out she had been dating Brian for a couple of months before everything went bad. Neither one of them had said anything, they just both thought everyone would think it was weird, seeing as how we all grew up together. I don’t know why she thought I’d be upset about it, I woulda been happy for them. This whole situation has me on an emotional roller coaster, one minute I’m so fucking sad she’s gone, sad I’ll never get to talk to her again. Then the next I’m mad at her for doing it, for letting my little brother see all that, because that really fucked him up. I’m mad for her hurting Brian, because after she died he just basically gave up, and now he spends his time with the other two. I’d be mad at her for the way Mark and Matt are turning out, dropping out of college, just playing video games and drinking their nights and weekends away. To be fair though, they’d probably be this way no matter what. And actually that doesn’t sound half-bad, it actually sounds like a lot of fun right about now. Pretty much anything that doesn’t require a whole lot of thought is very appealing right now. I’m also mad at her for leaving me. Although technically I guess it was me who left her, but it’s not like I choose to leave. And even though I had no control over the situation, it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a failure, from feeling like I let her down, like I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. And on top of all that stuff, Buffy is MIA, I was pretty bitter about it at first, thinking like I have in the past, that I just never mattered to her as much as she mattered to me. I was so angry and upset about everything that I actually thought about not going after her at all. Just letting her go and trying to move on with my life. And I’m not even really sure how I’d go about moving on with my life, I don’t know who I am anymore. I just want so much to step back into my old life, but five years away is a long fucking time. And not even five good years, five really long fucked up years. I can’t even talk to my dad on the phone without freaking out. I just keep seeing these fucked up images and I know that my dad never did anything like that, but it still freaks me out. And just when I think my life can’t get any more fucked up, Angel lays all this Council bullshit on me. I swear it’s a god thing they are all gone, cause man…what I wouldn’t do to them. I know I’m supposed to be all reformed and stuff, but they screwed up my life beyond all recognition, and now I find out they fucked with Buffy too, not to mention all the others. Oh yeah payback would definitely be called for, and I’m not sure I’d be able to stop myself from going after them and that really scares me. At least I know that Buffy is still around, not even all that far away because I can still feel her presence. I can still feel what she’s feeling, she’s all conflicted and angry and bitter too. If she feels that way now I cannot imagine how bad it’s gonna be when she finds out that it wasn’t just the Council’s doing, her dad played a big part in it all too. It’s really no bullshit, coming out of the closet is like the hardest thing you can do, I mean my parents were the coolest parents, but I was still freaked out about telling them. Jesus, they had gay friends, my fucking uncle was gay too, but I was still freaked. And poor Buffy finally gets up the courage to admit it only to be shoved right back in the closet by those Council assholes. I shudder to think what would have happened had the Council actually succeeded in taking Buffy back to England with them. Although, I have to admit that reading it did make me sorta happy. No, I’m not happy they fucked with Buffy, I’m happy that at least I’m not crazy; we really did have something going there. I mean she did tell her mom she thought she was in love with me, that has to mean something right? I can’t just let her go now, not when we are so close to finally getting together. POV Willow A trip to six different magic shops in the LA area and I finally got all the ingredients I need to do the location spell. It seems our little group is split on the best way to deal with Buffy. Faith and Xander seem to think it’s best to wait for Buffy to come back on her own. Giles, Angel and I seem to want to do everything we can to find her immediately. And Anya could care less what we do, I swear I don’t know what planet she came from, but if I ever find it, it’s gonna be hard for me not to send her back. Xander and I were stunned to learn what the Council had done to Buffy and the others, not that we weren’t stunned they had done it to Faith. But with Buffy it’s different, we’ve known her for years, we’ve pretty much just accepted that Buffy pulling away from us was just something she did cause she was the slayer, or cause she was trying to protect us. And yeah, at times her attitude towards us wears a little thin, like back in Sunnydale dealing with the First. But we just assumed that it was something about Buffy that we just needed to accept, we never thought it was because it was something the Council had implanted in her. The thing with mind control is that it only affects the conscious brain, the subconscious isn’t as easily manipulated, it knows that something was done, that something isn’t quite computing. So when the subconscious takes over, while we sleep, some of those memories or thoughts and feelings from those memories seep into our dreams. I know this because this was how Tara caught me that time I did it to her. When Tara found the Lethe's Bramble, she immediately knew what I did. Of course it wasn’t that easy in this case, the Council was much more adept at it than I was, but it does explain some things. I think that explains why Buffy and Faith sharing that dream about how to beat the Mayor seemed so bizarre to Buffy. She had told me about it, how they had fought so hard to kill each other, and yet in this dream they felt entirely comfortable with each other. Like the real world was the fake one and the dream world was how it should be. Back then I scoffed at it cause I hated Faith so much, but now, it seems to make sense. In essence the real world was fake to them. Dang it…I must have done something wrong, the stupid spell has her sitting right where I am, and that can’t be right. I mean if Buffy were right on top of me I’d kinda notice wouldn’t I? Be hard to miss a slayer being all right on top of you. Heh. I really miss Kennedy. Oh…duh… This is a hotel, with lots of floors, Buffy can be right on top of me without me noticing. She must be upstairs, and since she came back on her own I’m thinking this is a good sign. I went upstairs, and I could hear somebody moving around in one of the rooms, the door to the room was half open, and I could see that Buffy was indeed back. The first two things that hit me when I went inside is the fact that she’s packing a suitcase and smoking a cigarette. “Hey Buffy…” She doesn’t even look up as she stubs out the cigarette quickly she says, “Hey…” “Um…What are you doing?” “What does it look like? I’m packing…” I laugh slightly and shake my head, I’m quite confused, I also trying very hard to ignore the fact she’s got major attitude. “Um…we aren’t leaving for New York for a few days, not that you can’t pack early, cause being prepared is good and…” “I’m not going to New York.” Her words caught me completely off guard, “W-what?” “You heard me…” OK, the attitude is getting harder to ignore, and the fact that she hasn’t looked at me once since I came in and the fact that she keeps on putting stuff into her bags. I’m starting to feel a little angry, I know I should try to calm down, getting angry at her isn’t going to help matters. And I know this attitude of hers isn’t really all her doing, but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from getting angry. I think what Buffy is about to throw away, and I just can’t help being anything other than livid. She has the opportunity to have what I lost, a chance to be with her soul mate. What I wouldn’t give to have that chance again, what I wouldn’t give to see Tara one more time. To tell her how much I love her still, how much I miss her… I was so worked up and angry and feeling slightly guilty because I have Kennedy to consider now that I couldn’t help myself, before I knew it Buffy was bouncing off the wall and her clothes were strewn all over the room. She’s up off the floor and in my face in a flash, a normal person would be scared out of their wits at the quickness of her movement and that look on her face. But I’m not a normal person now am I, so I don’t move a muscle. “What the FUCK is your problem Willow?” “My problem? My problem is you acting like a…a fucking idiot.” For a brief moment she looks surprised at my language, yeah that’s right Buffy, little Willow knows bad words too. Her surprise fades back into anger, her jaw is clenched tight and her voice is low and mean, “You attacked me…” POV Angel No sooner then I get back to the hotel, I hear a lot of commotion going on upstairs. Doesn’t take long to find the source of the problem, it seems while I was out looking for Buffy she decided to come back. And now she and Willow are fighting, they’re screaming at each other, something about who needs to have every square inch of their ass kicked and by whom. Xander is trying to push Willow out of the room, and Giles is trying to keep Buffy in the room so that they don’t start exchanging blows. When I walk in Giles helps Xander get Willow out of the room, leaving me alone to deal with a pissed off slayer. You know what? Some days it really doesn’t pay to get out of bed. Once Willow is out of the room, I close the door gently behind them, Buffy is muttering to herself as she picks up the empty duffel bag and her clothes that are strewn all over the room. “Just who the fuck does she think she is? She really is full of herself; she needs to be taken down a notch or two, thinking she can take on me? Me? And would you look at this mess, I just packed all this stuff too, now I gotta re-pack. That’s just great, like I have time for this…” While I could listen to her mutter all day long, I chose to interrupt, “Um…what’s going on here Buffy?” Buffy stops her rant, looks a little self conscious and then gives me her best fake smile, “Oh…Angel, glad you’re here, I, uh, I need a favor…several actually…” I sigh and take a seat cause this is probably gonna take awhile. “First, I need you to have Faith appointed as Dawn’s guardian. I’m really not sure where I’m going or what I’ll be doing, but I can’t take care of her while I’m doing it. And Faith is Dawn’s other…parent I guess. And look, I know Faith and her family will take good care of her, probably a lot better than I ever could.” “You’re leaving?” “Angel…what I said in Sunnydale…it’s true, I’m not…ready. I just can’t… So I’m gonna go. It would be helpful if you could lend me some cash, and maybe give me a ride to the airport.” There are a lot of things I want to say to her right now, but pushing her will only make her run farther faster. So I continue to play along, keep her talking, get her to think I’m on her side without raising her suspicions. So I ask, “Where are you gonna go?” “Wherever the first plane I can get onto is going…the where part doesn’t matter…” “As long as it’s away from Faith?” “Look Angel…trust me, it’ll be better for Faith to have me gone. She doesn’t need me…” “Are you kidding me? Faith needs you now more than ever, she’s dealing with a lot right now… “No, Angel, she doesn’t need me, she’s got it all now. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted. She’s got the life now, the family, the destiny, it’s all hers now, and I got nothing. Everything I’ve ever worked for, fought for, and the Powers give her everything and me a big fat nothing…” “Is that what this is about? The Powers picked Faith not you so now you are gonna leave? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this what you always wanted? To get out of being THE slayer.” “Whatever…it doesn’t matter…I’m leaving.” “So you’re just gonna leave town tonight and you aren’t even going to speak to her? “Believe me a clean break is what is best for everyone.” “Buffy…don’t do this to her, she deserves better than this.” “Oh wait, that’s right…I forgot…apart from everything else she’s got, she’s got you too.” Huh? “Buffy…that’s not fair. Faith is my friend…” Buffy turns away in disgust and mumbles, “Yeah I bet…what are friends for?” Again I say, huh? “What? Buffy…Faith and I never even came close to that, not even…” “Not even when the Mayor wanted to steal your soul? When you were pretending to be all Angelus, you mean to tell me you didn’t even kiss her?” Whoa…how’d we get on this topic? It is true, Faith and I did kiss each other, but it wasn’t…good, neither one of us really enjoyed it. And for a girl who supposedly wanted to get it on with me, she certainly made sure we weren’t alone long enough to even think about doing it. “Well…I” “I fucking knew it. Look…are you gonna help me or not?” Wow…was Buffy always this hard to deal with? Oh wait, I get it now. She’s deflecting me away from the real topic, onto something she knows makes me uncomfortable. “Look Buffy, just stay here tonight and sleep on this. If you still feel the same way in the morning I’ll help you do whatever it is you want to do.” Uh oh, she looks suspicious, wondering why I want her to stay here, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned sleep. “No, I’m leaving tonight, with or without your help.” Shit…, “Alright, fine, I’ll help you.” “Great…thanks…” I wait until Buffy goes back to picking up her stuff, so she’s only half paying attention to what I’m doing. I make like I’m gonna leave, but I say, “Oh just one more thing Buffy…” I know I only have one shot at this, she’s a lot quicker than me now. She looks up at me just in time to see my fist as it connects with her face. Unfortunately for her, it’s just a second too late and she falls back onto the floor. “No, no…I insist…stay the night…” Next



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