Chapter Twenty-One – Sudden Realizations

POV Buffy

I woke up, quickly realizing I'm not really awake, I'm having a dream. I'm in my bedroom back in Sunnydale, I get out of bed, walk toward the window, I look out at the backyard that no longer exists. Yet another thing to be sad about. No more backyard, no more house, no more town, nowhere left to call home.

I can feel her presence immediately, if I were to turn around, I know she'll be in the doorway, motioning me to follow her. I'm fairly certain she's here for a reason, but I don't turn around, I'm not ready for her yet. I had thought I was done with all this, I had even thought that with all the new slayers she'd have been busy trying to "teach" them. A line from one of the Godfather movies drifted through my mind, 'just when I thought I was out…they pulled me back in'.

I'm reminded of the last dream I had, it was a shared dream, Faith was there, and it was the night before the big battle in Sunnydale, when I still held out hope that things could be different between us. I had sought her out, seeking solace from the only person I'd accept it from, looking for approval from the only other person worthy to give it. In that dream we were in my dorm room of all places; the sun was shining so brightly in the room, reminding us of better days. Although back then, I was the only one with the better days, I had everything then, and she had nothing. And deep down, I think a part of me liked it that way.

Flashback of the dream - the night before Sunnydale fell

I held the door open and motioned for Faith to come inside, "Come into my parlor…"

Faith raises her eyebrow at me an answers, "Said the spider to the fly?"

Do our dreams always have to be like this, in riddles and rhymes, I had hoped we could have a real conversation, I need answers and she's the only one who can give them to me. I roll my eyes and sigh, "Great… riddles…"
She smirks that trademark smirk of hers and says, "There once was a man from Nantucket whose co…"

"Uh…I think that's actually a limerick…"

She appears to ponder that for a moment, then says, "Is there a difference?" Without waiting for an answer she continues, "So, what's the what B? You know I need my sleep, it's important I look my best tomorrow in case we die and I have to offer sexual favors to get into heaven."

The image of pearly white gates and angels, and Faith propositioning St. Peter went through my mind and it made me laugh. Not the repressed laugh I've had these past few months, but a real, honest to God chuckle.

I look at her and she's smiling too, complete with dimples and everything. And right at this moment everything seems just perfect, like two old friends just sharing a laugh. But is that what we are? I'm really not too sure; lotta of things have happened between us, badness on both sides, past and present. And now she's back. And we're…what exactly? Friends? Associates? Partners? Co-workers? Something entirely different? I really have no idea, but that question is so very complicated, and it isn't why we're here.

Our smiles soon fade, reality creeping back into our minds. I turn toward the window, looking out at the campus, watching students running back and forth, making their way to wherever it was they were going, oblivious to everything. Not so oblivious now though, the First forced people to notice the strange happenings, the high death rate, and everyone left as fast as they could. Everyone gone but us, my friends, my family, and all the potentials still here. I keep hoping I'll be able to save them all, but I know that I won't be able to, not this time. I just know that this time, any victory celebration will be tainted with the memory of the people who didn't make it. A part of me hopes I'll be on the didn't make it list, cause that would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with then being on the survivors list. And I wonder if it will be permanent this time, or will my friends try to "save" me again. I turn toward Faith, which list would she want to be on?

Time continues to tick ever onward, so it's probably best to get to the reason I'm here. I'm feeling anxious about the plan, I'm not all that certain it's gonna work, and if it does, is it even the right thing to do? I mean, wasn't I forcing girls into a life that I have loathed these past 8 years? Doesn't that put me in the same league as the Watcher's Council? Am I a horrible person for leading these people, my friends and family, into battle when I know that for some of them, it will be the last thing they ever do? And how can I look them, any of them, in the eye tomorrow morning, knowing that I am potentially sending them to their deaths? And is it ok for me to feel so fucking scared, so fucking overwhelmed that all I want to do is curl up under my covers and pretend it's not happening?

I had been so sure of myself and the plan this morning and even this afternoon when I gave yet another speech to get everyone on board, but as nightfall came, and the zero hour approaches, the more unsure I've become. Everyone has told me what a great idea it is, everyone has told me how great I am for coming up with it, everyone but the one person whose opinion actually counts for something. The one person who's been through it all, who's a slayer just like me. The only other person on this planet that might have even the slightest clue as to what I'm feeling right now.

Suddenly, needing answers only she could give, I whip around fast and I think I startle her, but I just blurt out, "Do you think we're doing the right thing?"

Faith looks confused for a moment; pointing to herself she asks me, "You're asking me?"

"Well you kinda are the only one here…"

She frowns at my sarcasm, and then looks thoughtful for a moment; she blows out a long sigh. "I don't know…right or wrong, good or bad…we're out of options B. You and me, although we are quite amazing," she pauses briefly to give me a wink and a grin, then continues, "we don't stand a chance of winning this on our own. Fuck, even with all the potential's becoming slayers I'm still not sure we'll be enough to beat it. But at least it gives us a chance, a better chance then we'd have without them. And if we fail…the world will be full of slayers, and maybe they can succeed where we've failed."

"And thinking all that you're still here? Still ready to fight?"

I didn't mean for it to sound like I'm questioning her motives or that it even crossed my mind that she'd bail on us. But it doesn't seem like she took my question badly, and if she did, she didn't show it. She half-laughed, half-sighed, "Well, you know me…"certainty of death, small chance of success, what are we waiting for?"

I smile slightly at her quote from Lord of the Rings, but my mind won't let it go. "So you don't think it's wrong that we're enslaving these girls…"

She quickly interrupts me, "Whoa! We aren't enslaving anyone, Buffy. All that stuff was done long before our time, nothing we can do about that now. And we aren't enslaving them; we're empowering them, giving them a chance to protect themselves, to live up to their, pardon the pun, potential. And unlike us, they won't be alone; they'll all have each other. And with there being so many, they'll have the choice we never had, to fight, or not to fight."

I think about it and like it or not, she's kinda right. We are out of options, without activating the potentials we have zero chance of doing anything tomorrow or any other day for that matter. With activating them, we still might fail, but there will be others, lots of others, to take our place.

While I was thinking, Faith made herself comfortable on my bed; she laid there on her back, idly checking out the room while twirling Mr. Gordo around.

"So…college life huh?"

"Yeah, back when I actually went to college…"

"Well at least you got to go and you did last longer than I did."

"Yeah that's true."

Ah, now this is more like the slayer dreams I'm used to, cryptic phrases that seemingly have no meaning. The last few times we shared dreams I was never sure if it was really Faith who was there with me, or if it's all just in my head. But that little mystery is solved, I know it's really her, because we are really having a conversation, but I guess since it's still a dream, not everything has to make sense. Faith didn't go to college, I know this, she knows this, but neither one of us make any attempt to dispute what was just said.

It does however make me wonder…Did Faith ever want to go to college? Was there a time in her life when that would have mattered to her? She always seemed so anti-education; I never really gave it much thought before now. I'm about to ask her about her comments, but as the minutes of silence stretch, it seems like a better plan to let it go…for now anyway.

I swear that I'm definitely going to ask her about it later, after the whole First situation is settled, if we both survive that is. It seems very important that I not forget, that maybe asking those kinds of questions will finally help us put the past behind us and come to some sort of understanding, maybe even friendship.

Although honestly, it's not friendship that I want from Faith. I want love, I want romance, I want sex, I want a long-term relationship. And those thoughts have been wigging me out for weeks, but right this second, it doesn't wig me out, it seems like it's the most natural thing. But you know, I'm not stupid, I realize this is Faith I'm talking about, she's never once said she was looking for those things. In fact she's made it clear on more than one occasion she's looking for everything BUT that. Also there's the fact that she's never once admitted to being with another woman, or wanting to be with another woman. So if I finally got up the courage to say something, would she reject me? And if she didn't reject me, would she want me for more than just one night?

All these thoughts are making me feel a little dizzy, so I sat on the edge of Willow's bed just watching her with Mr. Gordo, flip, catch, twirl, flip, catch, twirl, flip, catch, twirl…

My mind continues its wandering; the conversation with Angel the other day comes to mind. When I told him that I thought the guy thing wasn't working out for me, he immediately thought it was because I'm the slayer. I had wanted to correct him, to tell him that, no, that wasn't really the reason. The reason the guy thing wasn't working is because I really don't like guys, him included. But I didn't want to hurt his feelings, didn't want him to feel bad, or maybe I just chickened out. It's taken me a really long time to even be able to admit this to myself, and maybe I just wasn't ready to share. But regardless, the truth of the matter is, I like women. And the really strange part is that I think…I think I always have.

This realization did not come to me easily, it happened rather suddenly and completely unexpectedly. It all started at the Expresso Pump, on a Saturday about 4 months or so ago. I had been going in there for weeks, and I would tell myself it was because I was tired and needed the caffeine to keep me going. And it was a very convenient place to get said caffeine on my way to and from work. Truthfully, Starbucks was even more convenient, but Starbucks didn't have Crystal, the flirty, hot little counter girl who worked at the Expresso Pump. Everyday I'd come in and we'd chit chat about this and that, she'd compliment me, I'd compliment her, it was kinda flirty, but still rather innocent or at least it was to me.

Until this Saturday 4 months ago, when Willow and I went there together. Everything happened as it normally did, Crystal and I chatted, and flirted, and when Willow took the coffees to the table and I was paying for them, it happened. Crystal asked me if Willow was single, and I was crushed, and I thoroughly embarrassed myself in front of both of them. This caused Willow to give me the "I'm gay" speech yet again. You know the one, I'm really gay, Tara wasn't a fluke, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, during the middle of that speech it became quite clear to me why I was so upset, why I acted like an idiot. It's because I was jealous, I wanted Crystal to ask ME out, and I'm not even sure if I actually would have gone out with her. I might have just run out of there and never gone back. But that's besides the point. The totally crazy, bizarre part of all this, the part that's had me completely freaked out ever since, Crystal was very pretty, with really dark, almost black hair, and brown eyes, and a slight Boston accent…ok, do I need to spell this out for anyone at home? Can we all say TRANSFERENCE?

Needless to say I was freaked out, for weeks I was in total denial. I even went so far as to go out on a date with Robin to try to prove to myself I wasn't gay and I most certainly wasn't gay for Faith. And then I got the phone call from Willow , guess who's at Angel's, guess who's back fighting for the good guys, guess who's willing to come back and help? I actually guessed Cordelia, and then Wesley before Willow finally sighed and said her name and asked the question I had been dreading, 'want me to bring her back with me?'

I'd been dreading that question ever since she went to jail, I always knew one day she'd be back, I just never thought one day she'd be back and I'd be in…love? Lust? Like? With her. And why do I always fall for the people that have tried to kill me? What is THAT about?

And she came back, and the first thing I did was hit her. I didn't hit her because of the past, I hit her because I had feelings for her, and I was mad and didn't know how to deal with them. I know…insane troll logic or maybe it's just 10 year old boy logic. There's a girl I like, hit her…

And just when I think I have Faith all figured out, just when I think I see a clear signal from her, a signal that says 'yeah B, I have those feelings too', she says something like 'I fucked Robin in your bed'. Ok, ok, she didn't actually say it that way, but she might as well have. So see? Mixed signals! She's the queen of mixed signals. But you know what? I've had enough of the skirting of the issue, enough of trying to decipher signals that confuse the hell out of me, I'm just gonna fucking ask her. Consequences be damned.

"Faith?"

She looks over at me "B?"

I get up and start pacing the room, "The other night…you said…you said that I don't know what you're feeling. And for the most part it's true; I haven't made much of an attempt to find out. But I'm asking now…what do you feel?"

Ok, so that's not exactly the most concise way to ask if she has feelings for me, but at least it's a start. And I think I see something in her facial expression, a deer caught in the headlights kind of look. She stands up quickly, she looks so nervous, and I have her, she has to answer me. Then she smiles that smile of hers, the one that says I know something you don't. My heart is pounding in my chest; she reaches out her hand to caress my check as she says, "To be continued…"

Somebody's shaking me, as a voice asks, "Buffy? Buffy, are you awake?"

Nooooooooo! Spike you fucking idiot. She was finally gonna answer me. I was finally going to get one of my questions answered. Where the hell did I put that stake?

That dream should make me happy, but it doesn't…it doesn't because none of that fucking matters now. She's got everything now, there's no reason she could ever want me, I have nothing to offer her. Has Faith spoken to tattoo girl yet? Is she on her way here? Have they decided to pick up their relationship where they left off? God, why do I even care? I'm leaving and Faith can do whatever and whomever she chooses.

Her voice seems to come from all around me, "Come."

She holds out her hand to me, and I just look at it, I so don't wanna take that hand, I don't wanna be here. I've had enough of this, this whole past year has just been one thing after another and I just want it to stop. I just…I can't deal with this shit anymore. I know she's here to show me something, but nothing she ever shows me is good, and she never answers my questions. I'm always left with more questions than answers. Giles says I'm supposed to learn from her, he thinks that's why the First Slayer keeps coming back to me. The only thing I seem to be able to learn from her is that poor hygiene is nobody's friend.

If it wasn't for fucking Angel I wouldn't even be here right now. I just hope when I wake up Faith isn't there, because I just can't see her right now. I know I'm wrong for doing this to her, I know I told her I loved her and we'd be a family, but, I just…I can't. It's too overwhelming, too many things can go wrong, and I really have no idea who she is anymore. She's got all these memories back, she's had this whole life and I know nothing about it. So it's just easier to do this now, because at least I'll always know it was my decision. I just can't bear the thought of her leaving me, I don't want to hear her bullshit excuses about knowing tattoo girl all her life, that they have so much in common, that I'm silly for believing that the two of us could ever be anything to each other.

I guess I'm taking too long for Slayer Girl, because she grabs my hand and pulls me with her.

"Ok, Ok, I get the hint, I can have my mini breakdown later cause you're in a hurry. Hopefully you're rushing to get to the mall before Bath and Body Works closes."

We suddenly stop and I hear a voice, "Watch."

I look around at the large office we're in, or well I suppose this is actually a conference room in what I suspect is an office building. I know immediately we're still in LA from the bright sun shining outside and the familiar LA landscape.

Just as I'm about to ask what we're doing here, the door opens and about six guys come in all dressed in various designer suits. They seem to be having a conversation about football, but I know they are really talking about soccer when they mention Manchester. Doesn't take me but a second to realize these guys are part of the Watcher's Council. Did I mention how much I don't want to be here? Do I really need to see them planning on stealing Faith's memories, and their retarded reasons for doing it.

Just to make sure I'm right, I ask my very talkative guide, "Council?"

She answers me with a "Shhhh…."

Um, ok, would it be wrong to give her toothpaste? Or maybe offer her a mint?

She gives me a dirty look, and points to the men again, "Listen."

The door opens again and an older man comes inside, his suit is a definite Armani, I don't know much about men's suits but I can recognize that one. The suit and the way the others are reacting to him tells me he's a big shot. But something doesn't quite add up, that guy has to be the head Council guy, but it's not Quentin Travers, and I don't believe this guy is Wesley's dad, so, uh…who is he?

Again I ask my guide even though I know I'm not likely to get an answer, "What the hell is going on here? When is this?"

The Armani suit pours himself a glass of water from the urn on the table, finishes rearranging his pen and notepad in front of him. Finally he looks around at the others, his gaze comes to rest on one of them, "Ok Bates, I'm finally here, I do hope you have some good news for me."

Bates nods to one of the younger men, who clears his throat, flips around some pages in the file folder he has open in front of him. Finally he starts talking, "As you are aware, I was charged with the investigation into the death of the slayer's Watcher, Merrick Jamison-Smythe."

Suddenly I don't feel so good, I turn toward my guide, "What the…he…he was my watcher, what is this?"

She still won't answer me, I'm starting to feel a little panicky and my head is starting to pound like I'm about to get the mother of all headaches. I want to turn away but I just can't.

"We were waiting for the slayer to start her evening patrol so we could observe her behavior, when an ambulance arrived outside of the home. It seems the slayer had attempted to take her own life, and her mother found her and rang for an ambulance. The slayer was taken to the hospital and the wounds were deemed to be non-life threatening. As is customary here in the states, the hospital then called for a psychological evaluation. Through our contacts in the LA office we were able to intercept the on-call psychologist and replace him with our own Bernard Crowley. After his initial meeting with the slayer we became increasingly concerned with her willingness to discuss all matter of demons and vampires, as well as other concerns…"

Armani interrupts, "Other concerns?"

The guy looks a little embarrassed but continues, "Um…in regards to… uh… sexual orientation." He clears his throat again, "As is written in our by-laws and the slayer handbook, the slayer is prohibited from having any type of romantic relationship, especially a relationship with someone of the same gender. When the slayer made mention of her desire to pursue a relationship with another female, it became obvious that she would need some rather intensive psychological manipulations before she would be ready to continue her slaying duties. As our facilities in London are much more sophisticated than here, we recommended and were granted authorization to have the slayer removed from her home and taken to our London facility."

"At this time, our agents contacted the slayer's father, Henry Summers. We met with Mr. Summers, briefly explained that we could help his daughter find a more socially acceptable lifestyle. After some brief discussions on monetary compensation, he quickly agreed to give us custody and he and the mother signed the transfer custody agreement in full."

"There has been only one minor complication that arose in the course of this business, when the slayer was told about the transfer to London, she became highly agitated and we feared that she might become violent or try to escape. Mr. Crowley performed some minor behavioral adjustments, and he will remain with the slayer in case any additional modifications need to be made between now and the flight on Friday."

The room started spinning it seemed, or that was just because of what I'd just witnessed, I'm stunned. The pounding in my head continues and it's so bad I feel very sick to my stomach, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I felt the tears burning down my cheeks, as the room around me changed.

It's a smaller room; inside of what I'm fairly certain is a hospital. Both my parents are in the room, the first thing I hear is my father saying, "It's done, Elizabeth is going to London, where she can get the help she needs."

I shudder at hearing him refer to me as Elizabeth, I can't believe I forgot he used to call me that, forgot how much I hated it, and how much I hated him for it. But that's my dad, no one can tell him what to do, he makes his own rules.

"Jesus Hank, her name is Buffy, everyone calls her Buffy, it's on her birth certificate for Pete's sake. I swear I don't understand why you insist on calling her Elizabeth all the time."

My dad shrugged, "Is that all you wanted to say?"

"No, it's not all. What are we doing here Hank, sending our daughter away, and for what, there are plenty of hospitals in this area that can help her. You know it's at least a ten hour flight away, which doesn't matter because they tell me we aren't allowed to visit her. They told me we won't be allowed to even speak to her on the phone for the first 90 days. This doesn't seem right to me Hank, how did you learn about this place. You know, we know nothing about these guys, how do we know they are telling the truth, they could be anybody…"

"Look, this place can help her; they'll get her thinking more clearly…"

"Oh, you mean, they'll try to make her not be gay? Do you not realize how very wrong that is…?"

"Oh so you'd be happy with a dyke for a daughter?" My father laughed bitterly, "Yeah, cause you're so liberal huh? Who was the one who got that fag teacher fired at Elizabeth's school? Wasn't me was it. Oh no, it was you, you and all of your little PTA friends. So don't you dare lecture me about how wrong I am because you don't like it any better than I do."

"That was different and you know it. And I'm not saying that I condone it, or that I even understand it…but she's our daughter Hank. And if that is who she is, then we'll deal with it. But sending her away…

He sighed, he was starting to lose his patience, "The paperwork is signed, she's going, end of discussion. I'm sorry you're upset but that's final."

He started walking toward the door, but stopped when my mom said, "Well then I'm sorry too Hank."

He turns back and looks confused, "You're sorry? For what?"

My mom doesn't say anything for a moment, like she's unsure of what to do, finally she says, "I want a divorce. And I fully intend to fight this custody transfer, you tricked me, you told me they were insurance forms. There's no way in hell I'm just going to stand by and let you send my daughter away from me."

Again my dad just shrugs, like he could care less and my mom continues, "My  lawyer says, I'll get half just for showing up, and once it's out about you and your secretary, he assures me I'll get a whole lot more than that."

My dad finally loses it, he quickly crosses the room and slams my mom back against the wall, for what it's worth, she doesn't seem at all surprised by this.

And suddenly I remember why, for a moment I see flashes of him screaming and hitting my mom and sometimes me. I'd forgotten how much my dad used to terrify me, and that he'd sometimes hit my mom when they fought. I hear him whisper menacingly to her, "I'll fucking kill you first."

The door opens fast and a security guard comes inside. "I heard some noise, is everything ok in here?"

My dad doesn‘t move away, "Nope, we were just…talking."

The guard ignores my dad completely, looks right at my mom and asks, "Do you need some help Ma'am?"

He slowly let go of my mom, while backing away, she turns to the guard, by the tone of her voice I can tell, she‘s really scared of my dad right now.  But she doesn‘t ask for help, she just says, "No, I'm ok, we…we were just talking."

Thankfully, the guard nods but doesn't seem convinced that nothing is going on, so he doesn't make a move to leave.

My dad is really pissed right now, "You can go now…"

The guard still doesn't move, and my dad continues, "Look pal, you heard the woman, we're just talking."

Ignoring both my dad’s angry attitude and the guard, my mom says, "Look Hank, I don't want your fucking money, or the house, or the cars, or anything else you have. I just want Buffy. You give me full custody her and you can keep everything else."

My dad looks at her, still seething in anger, but I could tell he was seriously considering it. My mom slowly picks up her purse; she pulls out a business card and lays it down on the counter. "Here's my lawyers card, give him a call."

Everything started spinning, and my mind is replaying everything that happened when I was in the hospital. Things are coming so fast that I can barely follow it all. I remember what happened, I remember why I cut myself.  My parents were yelling at me about setting that fire in the gym.  It wasn't me, I didn't do it, the freaking vampires did, but my friends told the cops I did it.  My dad was pissed about me nearly getting arrested, getting kicked out of school, about me getting bad grades, about me never doing anything right.  He just kept yelling at me, screaming what was wrong with me, and I just blurted it out. I told them everything, about vampires and demons and then I told them…I told them I was gay.

There was dead silence after my little confession.  When I finally got the courage to look at them. I could see that my mom was just stunned, but my dad, he had this look of utter disgust on his face.  He told me that I repulsed him, that the very thought of what I had just said made him sick and for me to get out of his sight.  And I left, I ran out of the house, feeling like my life was over.

I spent all night out walking around, I finally realized I had nowhere else to go, anyone that would have taken me in no longer wanted anything to do with me, so I went home.

Nobody was there, the house was empty, and I thought it was because they didn't care if I stayed or left.  I hadn't realized that my mom was out looking for me, and had been looking all night.  I went into the bathroom, I was just gonna take one of my mom's sleeping pills and try to get some sleep, but when I opened the medicine cabinet, a razorblade fell out and landed in the sink.  I remember thinking it was like meant to be, and I can see myself now, taking a handful of my mom's sleeping pills, getting into the tub, then slicing up my arms.  I woke up to my mom crying as I was being wheeled out to the ambulance.

My mind is reeling and all I can think about is how my dad doesn't love me, I disgusted him, that he gave me away to the fucking Watcher's Council.  And when that didn’t work, how he just gave me away so he could keep his money, the house and the cars.  How fucked up is that?  How much of a loser am I that my own dad couldn't even love me?  I meant nothing to him, less than nothing even.

POV Faith

The first second inside the dream I realize something is wrong, this isn't what’s suppose to happen.  I had thought that Willow doing the spell on Buffy while she was sleeping would be easier for her to deal with.  Less pain, less freaking out, but now I'm wondering if it’s a big mistake.

One look at Buffy and I know she knows.  I don’t know how, but she knows everything now and she's devastated.  She's fighting her emotions, desperately trying not to give in to them.  She's never been a crier, never been the emotional type.  I'm not saying she's a robot, and yes she has cried, but she always stays so tightly controlled, she never truly lets go.

I take a cautious step closer to her, she doesn't move, I'm not entirely sure she even knows I'm here.  I take another step and another until I'm finally standing in front of her.  She hasn't acknowledged me yet, too busy fighting herself for control.  I know what I have to do, and even though I know it’s gonna be bad, I still do it.  I pull her to me, wrapping my arms around her, for a moment I think it might actually work, she just might let me hold her, but the moment ends and she pushes me away.

"Get away…"

"Buffy…look, just let me…

"NO!  Don't you fucking touch me…don't come near me…"

"Sweetie…baby…calm down…"

"NO!  Stop it!  Don't fucking call me that, not when you knew.  After everything the Council did to you and you didn‘t even have the decency to tell me.  You don’t love me…”

I take a chance, and I reach out to her and try to hug her again, "I do…I lo…"

And can we say….BIG MISTAKE.  I don't even get to finish what I was gonna say because she’s quite crazy now, she pushes me, then punches me hard in the face.  Fuck…she really needs to stop doing that, it's getting old now.  She pushes me down onto the ground, she straddles me, screaming, "Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

After every word comes a punch, to the face, to the ribs, to anywhere she can reach on me.  Thankfully not all these punches connect with me, I manage to stop a few, but enough of them land and I know I'll be sporting many bruises and a major black eye for the better part of the day tomorrow.  I finally manage to grab her arms and I try to flip us so I can get on top of her and try to stop her.  She struggles with me, we wrestle each other for control, until she winds up sitting up and facing away from me, I immediately scoot closer to her and wrap myself around her, pinning her arms at her side.

She fights me all the way, screaming I don’t love her, I can’t love her, how she hates me.

"Buffy stop it.  Stop struggling.  You're gonna be ok…"

"Fuck you!  It's never gonna be ok…Never…You knew and you didn‘t tell me!"

She struggles some more, trying desperately to get away, all the while she keeps screaming, I calmly hold her, whispering to her, telling her I love her, I’ve always loved her, there’s nobody else in the world for me.  I tell her she’s gonna be alright, we’re gonna be alright, I’m here for her, I’ll never leave her.

Her outbursts pretty much stop, sadness engulfs her, she’s crying hard, partly due to this emotional hurt she’s dealing with, but also because of the physical pain of the memories coming back.

She's clutches onto me now, begging me not to leave her.  As if I ever fucking could.  I keep one arm wrapped firmly around her and with the other I start stroking her hair and rocking us back and forth.

After a long while she pulls away from me, her teary eyes meet mine, I’m not sure what she’s gonna do, or say.  I must say I’m very nervous, I don’t know what’s gonna happen now that everything is out in the open.

"I…I remember you…"