Chapter 5: Disarm
Faith’s POV:
I blame it on the hellmouth. All of it. No, hear me out. The hellmouth messes with people’s heads. Tell me I’m right, I know I am. I have to be.
I ran off to B last night. I shared this look with Cordy and we both kinda knew what I had to do. What I was going to do. None of us really had a choice in the matter really… Freaky. But that’s not even the freakiest part.
I haul ass towards B’s house, not really thinking about anything. Simply certain that this is what I was supposed to do, no doubt about it. Destiny maybe. coughHELLMOUTHcough Destiny’s worth shit though, standing under B’s window in the middle of the night.
Figured I had two choices. Either slap myself hard on the head… Or climb up the conveniently placed tree. Slapping myself sounded kinda lame though so I quickly vaulted up the branches, finally settling myself on the one reaching towards her room.
I guessed she was sleeping and I felt like a fucking idiot, sitting up there just staring at her back.
But then again, I felt… Good. Watching her sleep gave me a freaky-ass sense of peace I guess.
Buffy…
And then she sat up and turned to me.
Er… I didn’t think I said that out loud. Maybe I’m telepathic. coughHELLMOUTHcough
Know what I’m saying? Weird shit, man.
So we’re kinda just looking at each other. It feels okay though for some reason. … Don’t make me do the spazzy cough routine again. Then she gets up hesitantly and pads over to me. Anywhere else, she’d just open the window. But let’s not forget where SunnyD is situated, so no. She doesn’t just open the window.
She traces my shape in the fucking window. … I know! This is fucking weird shit! But noooo, since we’re in Demon Central, I decide that it’s probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen! What’s up with that?!
Basically, she’s being all ‘Ooooh… Invisible barrier!’ on me, while I feel like my heart is breaking. I stop myself from also reaching out to the window just in time.
Eventually, she does get over the fact that glass exists and opens it.
Uh-oh. I’m pretty sure my heart is about to fall apart. Her eyes are kinda red and puffy and how much of a bitch can I be?? Did she cry for me? For me?? She’s so beautiful, it hurts to see that she’s been hurting.
“Faith…” She breathes.
Fuck. How many fucking times can a heart break in five minutes? Me, being my ever-witty and charming self, I answer her accordingly:
“B.”
I guess this is when I start saying what I came here to say. … Uh… wait… What did I… She’s pretty… Oh !
“I’m sorry. I-…”
“Faith, no, don’t. It’s me. I-…”
No way. No fucking way. She can’t keep doing this to me! Turning me into a big pile of goo everytime she even just looks or speaks to me! I have to get this out.
“B, no. Just lemme say this, alright?” Please lemme say this, B. No, don’t look at me like that…
Right when I think I’m about to break, she nods and I let out a relieved breath.
“I ain’t ever been good at this shit and fuck knows I never will be but…What I said at the Bronze… I’m sorry. I didn’t… I mean… I’m not mad at you, you know? You have to know. Because… Well… I just need you to know. I was drunk and… I wasn’t mad at you. I’m not.” I stutter a little whilst delivering that undoubtedly heart-wrenching speech. Hah. Right.
Can you say Hellmouth?
Since when do I stutter? Fuck that, since when do I say crazy shit like…’sorry’ and all that?
And then B gets all freaky on me again. I look at her to see what she has to say about it, if she even has anything to say about it. She closes her eyes.
She closes her eyes.
I swear, that girl is on drugs. I think her and me need to have a nice little chat about the utter idiocy of drugs. Slap some sense in her maybe.
But… of course there’s a but. We’re on the hellmouth people. Like I said, freaky shit. So no, I don’t actually think she’s a druggie at that moment. Instead, I feel this weird wave of warmth and safety and… No. You can’t make me say it. …You.. Can’t… I… Nooo… Argh! A wave of warmth, safety and love, alright?! For fuck’s sake, give me a break here.
Before I know what the fuck I’m doing, I’ve already kissed her forehead and looking at her wide-eyed.
Oops?
“Sorry, B.” I say again and jump out the tree. I’ve got to get as far away from here as possible.
I’m almost at the sidewalk when I hear her call my name. I love it when she does that. In a it kinda freaks me out kinda way.
Maybe I should pretend I didn’t hear her and just run off? … Yeah… Like that would ever happen.
I turn around and seriously… I’m getting sick of myself.
Seeing her there, leaning out her window, looking down on me… The moon’s behind her, so the moonlight is streaming around her and… Gah! What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m not as sober as I thought… Yeah… That’s it.
“I… I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She’s so fucking sweet! What else can I say, really? I go for a grin but end up… I dunno what I end up doing but I’m sure it’s damn scary.
“You bet.”
And I walk away. I just walk away. I’m drunk again. Yup. Drunk. Nothing else.
See this is bullshit. What is fucking wrong with me??? She always does this. I hate her. I have to, don't I? Sure I do. ... Fuck. I'm in deep.
You think maybe she... Nah. ...But... You think maybe she kinda likes me? Just a little? No, that's just not... It's not even a fucking possibility. It's not. Cuz I'm pretty sure she's still got it bad for him. Before I even knew he existed, I figured she had it bad for someone. Like this one time on patrol, she was being weird.
Well yeah, she's always kinda weird. But this was a different type of weird. And I'd noticed it before but I never asked about it or nothing cuz... Well that would kinda give away the fact that I notice her different kinds of weird. But that night... Well I asked anyway.
It took me a while though. I think I kinda had this feeling I was up for some major hurting. ...Huh... So this weird crushy thing has been going on for longer than I thought... That's sad. Anyways, so before I actually initiated the conversation that inevitably would totally fuck me up... I made sure I had some defensive tools. I strapped on my metaphorical bazooka, shotgun, AK-47's, baseball bat and my own personaly favorite... knife.
And when I felt bad-ass enough, I asked.
"So tell me."
Yeah well... I like to play games. Ofcourse, I didn't count on her looking at me like that. All... dazed and curious and ... cute. ... Where the fuck did my bazooka go?
"Tell you what?"
No not the voice, not the voice! For the love of god, do not tell me I just lost my shotgun. Act cool.
"How old is he?"
Yeah, play the confusion card. Always a winner.
"Who? Faith, what the hell are you talking about?"
Works like a charm, she looks at me confused.
"The guy!" I look at her like she's supposed to know what I'm talking about.
"... What guy?!" She squeaks, sounding a little exasperated...and squeaky. Hehe.
"The guy you've been thinking about." I roll my eyes. Not at her. I just keep looking straight ahead. Nonchalance, remember?
Oops. Shouldn't have sneaked a peek. I catch a little glimpse of her scrunching up her face, completely baffled.
"Why would I be thinking about a guy?"
Bingo. Roll out a red carpet for mister Innuendo why don't ya?
"You for the finer sex now?"
"What?? No!" Ahh, denial. ... Hers or mine?
I smirk at her.
"No, it's alright, B." Eyebrow quirk. "Good to know actually." Wink.
"I...no. Wait-" Bulls-eye. Oh, but I'm not stopping there. Poor B.
"So who is she?" I say all normal-like.
Gotta admit though, she's doing a relatively good job. She hasn't really spluttered that much yet.
"There is no she in my head. No he either."
Yeahhh right.
"Bullshit, B. Look, you don't got to talk about it with me."
...Where did that come from? I know we don't talk about serious shit often but I never really thought it bothered me... I guess I'm stupid.
"There's nothing to talk about." She states.
Goddamnit, it does kinda hurt that she can't talk to me about stuff like that.
"I repeat: Bullshit. But I know you'd rather talk to Red about this kinda crap, so it's cool."
That sounded kinda sad to me. ...Fuck, that bazooka would come in real handy right now.
"Faith..." Argh. No... Don't do this B.
"It is. No hard feelings, B. I was just curious cuz..."
Shit, I don't wanna go there. Where did I put those AK's?
"Faith! I-... Cuzious cuz what?"
"Cuz whoever it is, he makes ya happy." ... It's true. She's been extra perky and goofy lately. But I really really do not want to go there. I force myself to smile. "Must be a 'swell' guy, huh? Or girl." I wink.
And then she slows down. ... She doesn't say anything and I think I may have hit a sore spot. Damned if I know where that spot is though. So I take a guess.
"Hey, I was just playin', B. I know you're straight as an arrow. Don't pay attention to the scooby idiot."
I figure I'm in the clear and we can just move on to any other subject but...No such luck.
"That's not true."
I think my heart just stopped beating there. What's not true? She's not completely straight? What??
"What's not true?"
"...You're not an idiot."
Oh.
"Oh. Right. Well, my words and actions tell me different."
I shake my head. Stupid Faith. And yet, for some reason, she doesn't drop it.
"That's not true. Quit it, Faith. you're not an idiot."
Shit. This whole conversation has taken a real depressing turn. And her being all... nice isn't helping. I don't even have my fucking baseball bat no more.
"Whatever."
In other words: Change the subject.
"I mean it." She turns to face me and I'm feeling kinda weak. ... Maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I mean it too: Change the subject.
"Anyway, this isn't about me. I was buggin' you about mystery guy, remember?"
"Yeah..."
"Don't worry, I'll drop it."
Gotta admit, I'm curious, but it just kinda stings.
"It's not cuz-..." She starts.
"Nah, I get it, B. Red's real-stuff girl..."
"Real-stuff girl?"
I nod matter of factly.
"Yeah."
But she doesn't get it.
"Elaborate."
I really don't want to have to explain the obvious to her either... I sigh.
"She's the one you talk about serious stuff with. Stuff that matters, you know? Can't blame you though. She's good at that shit."
Her eyes widen in something resembling shock.
"How can you say that?"
This is bullshit, how can she deny the fucking simple truth?
"Say what? You're saying Red isn't great with that?"
"No, I-... She is. But in a different way."
"Sure. Nevermind, B."
"Listen to me. In some things, I will turn to Willow for comfort or... whatever it is I need. But in other..."
What is she saying?
"What?" I ask.
"I'd go to you."
Don't say that. Don't fucking say that. I love my knife. Why did you have to fucking take that away from me? Play it cool.
"Sure you would."
"I would! And actually, I do. But you're too dense to notice I'm talking about serious stuff." She nudges me playfully.
I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation and admittedly... desparation. I thought this was about me confusing her.
"Oh. Great!"
"Argh!" She sounds a little exasperated herself. "I mean, you make me feel better about whatever's bugging me in a different way than Will does. You help me rationalize things. Put them in perspective. You help me not give up. You make me feel like it's not so bad." She flashes me a shy little smile. "In your own Faith type o' way."
Well... That was unexpected. And... doubtful?
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
Well what the fuck do I say to that?
"Shit, I didn't know I was that cool." What did you expect? A serious answer?
She mock sighs.
"Oh no. What have I done?" She nudges me again and we start up the walking.
It's quiet for a while but I feel like I have to say something.
"Hey, B."
I notice we're walking closer to eachother than before.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
I don't actually look at her, but it's like I can feel her smiling.
"I should be the one thanking you."
I chuckle a little.
"Yeah, but that would be mushy." I smile.
"Yeah."
Not having all the weapons? ... I kinda felt naked before. But now... I just feel lighter.
