FADE UP
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
XANDER exits onto the sidewalk with DINO trailing him.
DINO
You have a plan?
XANDER
That I do my friend.
DINO
Is it anything beyond a blank piece
of paper with the word PLAN at the top?
XANDER
You doubt my planning skills?
DINO
Took the thoughts right out of my mind.
XANDER
Dare you think such a thing!
DINO
It's a much easier dare than
kissing Molly Phillips in the 5th
grade.
XANDER
All right, so the plan hasn't
materialized as of yet, but it will.
My mind is working overtime.
DINO
Relying on your mind may not be the
wisest thing.
XANDER
I do not feel supported by your
support.
DINO
Support? What are you--a damn
metrosexual? Some boo-hoo
sensitive, affeminite, soft-hearted,
homoerotically clothed male.
XANDER
No--but you'll find a lot of those
in this part of the country.
Forget support--how about backup?
You're my wing man, right?
Dino implores Xander to rethink that.
XANDER
I'M YOUR wingman, right?
DINO
Yeah, all right. So, every non-
plan has a first step. What's yours?
XANDER
Communication. Dialogue. I have
to communicate with Anya in order
to begin a dialogue with her.
DINO
Profound and sensible. Very good.
XANDER
I read it in a book. Put it to the
test by calling her ten minutes ago.
DINO
And?
XANDER
She wasn't home.
DINO
Anya's got something to do at this
hour?CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - MORNING
DAWN opens the front door to reveal ANYA with a goofy smile
and a bag from Dunkin' Donuts.
ANYA
Is Willow awake?
Dawn quirks an eyebrow. CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE, BUFFY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Still naked, still in bed. Buffy rests her head on Faith's
stomach as she gazes at Faith. The intensity has Faith a
little uncomfortable.
FAITH
What?
BUFFY
You were a gorgeous child.
FAITH
Oh please. You don't gotta say
that. I already knew it.
BUFFY
Rockeferrara.
FAITH
Hey--I was four and had that New
York-style eclair cream in my mouth.
That tasty shit is thick.
BUFFY
Do you still love her?
FAITH
Who?
BUFFY
Your mom. I mean, I know she
was...it's just--my dad, while not
having done anything nearly as bad,
was and is an asshole...but I--
FAITH
--can't help it.
(beat)
My mom was a bitch. I hated her
then, I hate her now. If there's a
God, she's rottin' in the fiery
circles of blackest hell.
(beat)
Let's just say I don't LIKE her.
Buffy lays a small kiss on Faith's tummy.
FAITH
Thanks for stickin' up for me. In
the dream.
BUFFY
That was easy.
FAITH
What was hard?
BUFFY
Failing.
FAITH
You saved me earlier. As long as
you keep savin' me for the rest of
my life, then it's all good.
Buffy smiles. CUT TO:INT. GILES' HOUSE - DAY
GILES reads a book at his desk. DOORBELL. Giles puts the
book down and answers the door. It's a refined, Jodie
Foster-type WOMAN.
WOMAN
(British accent)
Rupert Giles?
GILES
(suspiciously)
Yes. And you are...
WOMAN
...here to help you.
GILES
Excuse my skepticism. I don't know
you, have never seen you, and am
tempted to kill you where you stand.
WOMAN
I work--well, worked--for the
watcher's council.
GILES
You must have a death wish.
WOMAN
My name is Sylvia Wright. I was an
associate with the council--a
watcher in training if you will.
I'm sure you heard the council no
longer exists.
GILES
Blew up.
WOMAN
Yes. A shame really. They weren't
all that...deplorable.
GILES
What are you here for?
WOMAN
The council is gone. However, that
does not mean a slayer should be
without supervision.
GILES
Your commitment is admirable, but
neither Buffy nor Faith require
further tutelage under anyone
except myself. Kennedy is dead.
The others have moved on.
WOMAN
I wasn't talking about them.
Giles' interest--and concern--is heightened. CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - DAY
Dawn blocks entrance to the stairway from Anya.
ANYA
My intent is to increase her good
vibrations.
DAWN
I bought her batteries for that
yesterday.
ANYA
Willow wants to see me!
DAWN
Based on what? Last night? She
would've given ME head if I let her.
Anya scowls.
DAWN
No, I'm not hot for Willow. You
shouldn't be either. What about
Xander?
ANYA
Xander doesn't deserve me.
DAWN
That's debatable. Willow needs her
space. She needs her grieving zone.
She needs to be surrounded by
people who won't hit on her!
ANYA
(seething)
I can extinguish her need for space
and grief through orgasms!
Anya tries to rush past Dawn to the stairs, but Dawn fights
her back. They struggle.
Xander and Dino enter through the front door. After a long
while, Dawn and Anya see them and freeze.
DINO
Is it wrong that bikinis and mud
are in my mind right now?
XANDER
Anya. You're here.
ANYA
Very astute observation.
XANDER
Why are you here?
ANYA
I came to see--
DAWN
--ME! She came to see me...in
order to help me, um, research. Do
research. I'm researching. Yay
research!
DINO
We don't believe that for a second.
But since we came here to run with
Giles' idea to go on the offensive
for the holidays, you both can help
us research.
Anya scowls at Dawn again.
DAWN
What about Buffy and Faith?
XANDER
They can take a break. Relax. Get
on each other's good side again. CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE, BUFFY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Buffy stands at her desk in full naked glory. Faith
approves, admiring the sight. Buffy opens a jewelry box and
digs in there until she comes upon a silver bracelet. She
turns and holds it up for Faith to see.
BUFFY
This look familiar?
FAITH
Your nipple? Of course. I was
nibblin' on it a few minutes ago.
Little disappointed though 'cause I
was hopin' to get some milk out of it.
Buffy GROWLS. Faith smirks and gets off the bed. She goes
to Buffy and examines the bracelet in wonder.
FAITH
Is that...you still got this? I
figured you'd toss it after a few
days. It's so crappy.
BUFFY
Sweetness--it may be crappy, but
it's crappy crap courtesy of you.
FAITH
Wow--I got no idea what to think of
that.
BUFFY
It means I love you and love
anything you give me.
Faith is beyond amazed. She kisses Buffy. CUT TO:INT. THE UNDERGROUND - DAY
Spike marches down a hallway and enters a room filled with
an assortment of CHATTERING demons.
SPIKE
(loudly)
All right. Thank you all for
coming. How 'bout a story?
The room goes quiet.
SPIKE
'Twas the week before Christmas and
all through the hellmouth...not a
creature was killing, not even a--
Spike focuses for a moment on:
SPIKE
--weasel-ugly, pink Kucinichiro
demon.
(beat)
Bottom line fellas, it's the time
of year when decency is in the air.
Somehow, it got into the bad guys'
standards and practices handbook
that we have to be nice and
respectful during the holidays.
Let the kiddies own the streets for
a couple weeks. Leave the stray
demons to fend for themselves on
the surface, facing the wrath of
the slayers.
(beat)
You know what I say? Fuck it. I
say we go up there and mutilate
men...women...and children! We
don't discriminate. Kill 'em, eat
'em, rape 'em.
The demons are agreeable to that.
SPIKE
When the 23rd comes around,
terrorize the human fuckheads to
the point where they'll add
"painless death" to their Santa
lists.
(MORE)
SPIKE (CONT'D)
I mean, demons celebrate Christmas
too.
(shouting)
Am I right?
DEMONS
Yeah!
SPIKE
(shouting)
Right?
DEMONS
(shouting)
YEAH!
The crowd is energized. On Spike's sinister face:
END ACT ONE Act
Two | 
