FADE UP
INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - DAY
Dawn, Anya, Xander, and Dino research in the living room.
DAWN
Exactly what are we looking for?
XANDER
Possible apocalypse scenarios
Spike--or any monster for that
matter--could utilize.
ANYA
Oh, well, thank you for narrowing
our search to--
(screaming)
--every single page in these
stupidly huge dust-collectors!
DINO
They might not collect as much dust
if you cleaned 'em once in a while.
DAWN
Oh great--now I have to clean.
XANDER
You went on a cleaning spree a few
weeks ago.
DAWN
That was before I made up with Elle.
ELLE (OS)
Someone say my name?
Everyone turns to see Elle walk out of the kitchen drinking
a bottle of water. Elle is in a clingy tank top, sweatpants
rolled up to her knees, hair in a ponytail, sweat glistening
on bare skin. Dawn is encapsulated by the image.
DINO
You're running in this weather?
ELLE
It's seventy degrees.
DINO
Right. Forgot for a moment that
California has only one season.
Elle sits on the arm of the couch next to Dawn.
ELLE
Hi.
DAWN
(shyly)
Hi.
DINO
(aggressively)
Hi.
Dawn and Elle cower back. A hung-over WILLOW descends the
stairs.
WILLOW
Why is everyone being so loud?
Anya moves to jump out of her seat but Dino holds her back.
Willow enters the living room and plops onto the floor.
DAWN
Willow--you feeling okay?
WILLOW
My head hurts.
XANDER
That's all?
WILLOW
The rest depends.
XANDER
On...?
WILLOW
How much embarrassment I caused
last night.
ANYA
Hey! I take offense at your
characterization. That lap dance
you gave me was special!
WILLOW
That says it all.
(beat)
Are you not able to hear it?
DAWN
You're hearing things? Are any of
them telling you to kill Anya?
ANYA
If only I were a vengeance demon.
DAWN
(smug)
You still couldn't do anything to me.
Anya CURSES under her breath.
WILLOW
I mean Buffy and Faith having
slayer sex upstairs.
Dawn falls out of her seat. Dino loses his ability to
breathe. Xander's in complete shock.
XANDER
(incredulously)
WHAT?
Anya shakes her head. Elle's got a mischievous gleam in her
eyes. Willow's face clouds over with regret.
WILLOW
I could use a drink.CUT TO:EXT. MAIN ST. - DAY
Giles and Sylvia walk.
GILES
You're positive she's a slayer?
It's not possible she is some sort
of impostor attempting to lure
you--and us--into an elaborate
scheme to open the hellmouth?
SYLVIA
Anything is possible. Obviously,
if I'm wrong, we could be doomed.
But if I'm right...
(pause)
...well, there's yet ANOTHER slayer
to defend this town. Okay, so the
negatives outweigh the positives in
terms of impact, but any good is
better than bad.
GILES
Your optimism is ovation-worthy.
Do we at least have a description?
SYLVIA
Statuesque, red hair, milky-white
skin, hazel eyes, extremely serious
in every form of the word.
At that moment, the Female literally skips by HUMMING. CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE, BUFFY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Buffy and Faith get dressed.
BUFFY
(whiny)
Why can't we stay in here all day?
All week. All...our lives.
FAITH
Believe me B, I've never felt so
tempted by anything ever. But a
girl's gotta eat.
BUFFY
Isn't that why I'm here?
FAITH
Isn't that my line?
Faith takes Buffy in her arms.
FAITH
I know it's gotta be nerve-wrackin',
the prospect of announcin' US to
that familiar--and familial--world.
But it must be done, so life can go on.
BUFFY
Congratulations--that's a finalist
for cheesiest statement ever.
FAITH
(proudly)
I knew I could do it. CUT TO:INT. CRYPT - DAY
Candlelight barely illuminates the dark room. Spike
polishes a bowie knife as Drusilla comes up behind and wraps
her arms around him. She slides her hair across his face.
DRUSILLA
Why don't you come to bed my love?
SPIKE
Do I look tired?
DRUSILLA
I'll make you tired.
SPIKE
If that's what I wanted, I'd let
you. But I need to THINK. That
may be as alien a concept to you as
sanity...just let me be.
DRUSILLA
Leave you to contemplate your
future with...
(disdainfully)
I do not like this. I most
certainly do not like her.
SPIKE
It's OUR future. She'll please us
both. If it'll ease your mania, we
can enslave the witch. You can
have full ownership. Sound good?
DRUSILLA
(pushing away from Spike)
I want to make the slayer pay
through horrifying torture. All
you want to do is make her feel
pleasure through love-making!
Spike eyes her over his shoulder for a few moments.
SPIKE
What's your point?
Drusilla's eyes burn with rage, then flood with unshed tears
that soon waterfall down her cheeks. Spike rolls his eyes.
SPIKE
You can still torture her. As a
vampiress, considering her sexual
predilictions as a human, I'm sure
she'll love it. Lord knows I will.
Drusilla WAILS. Spike SIGHS and goes to her. He caresses
her cheeks gently, then roughly grabs her hair and viciously
yanks it exposing her neck to the knife. That shuts her up.
SPIKE
You know as well as I do how
exquisite slayer blood is. The
others are worthless compared to
Buffy. She's got the champaign of
slayer blood--one tasting is not
enough. You can't help the need to
enjoy a glass every day, it's that
good. Imagine, spending the next
century biting into the smooth,
tender skin of those sultry thighs,
pert tits, firm and tight little
ass...and drawing into your waiting
mouth waves of the most magnificent
red liquid to ever grace God's
green Earth. She'll be ours--forever.
Spike lets go and drops his hands down to the top of
Drusilla's dress. He tears it open. letting it drop to the
floor. Drusilla lets out a sharp GASP as Spike cuts into
her chest.
SPIKE
Accept it my love. We'll all be
happy together. This is what I
want. That's all that matters. CUT TO:INT. SUMMERS HOUSE - DAY
Buffy leads Faith down the stairs, their eyes locked the
whole way. When Buffy hits the ground floor, she looks
towards the living room and halts abruptly causing Faith to
bump into her.
In the living room, Xander is splayed out on the sofa with
Anya waving a magazine over is face. Dawn is spread out on
the floor with a wet towel on her forehead as Elle pats her
thigh. Dino smokes a cigar. Willow drinks from a mug.
Buffy warily glances at Faith. Faith shrugs and pushes
Buffy towards the group. As they enter, they're finally
noticed.
WILLOW
It's about time. I apologize for
my drunkitude.
BUFFY
Your what?
ELLE
Despite my immense virginality, I
am damn impressed.
BUFFY
Your immense what?
FAITH
What's goin' on?
ELLE
We know.
BUFFY
You know.
WILLOW
They know.
BUFFY
(to Willow)
Do you know?
WILLOW
I was the first one to know, remember?
BUFFY
The first--
(painfully realizing)
--they do not know!
(beat)
Except for Dawn. And apparently Anya.
WILLOW
They all know.
ELLE
We all know.
FAITH
What the fuck are all you fuckin'
freaks talkin' about? For fuckin'
fuck's sake, talk fuckin' English
you fuckin' freaks!
ELLE
Geez--you eat Buffy with that mouth?
I mean KISS. I said KISS.
Buffy goes white. Faith blushes. Dawn and Dino smack Elle.
BUFFY
Um, what do you know?
ANYA
A slayer-sex marathon.
BUFFY
How do you know?
WILLOW
I have a hangover.
BUFFY
So you...
FAITH
...listened to us?
BUFFY
(shouting)
WILLOW!
WILLOW
I didn't mean to. I swear. We
share a wall, and I thought I heard
certain sounds coming from your
side of the wall that very well may
have been of the negative-type bad
and so I amplified the magic
hearing and after finding a clear-
thinking part of my mind I listened
carefully and the sounds registered
in my brain and I figured it out
and promptly stopped listening
because it's you and I'm not a
pervert and I wanted to preserve
your privacy.
BUFFY
And you decided that the best way
to achieve that preservation was by
telling everyone we were having sex.
WILLOW
Hindsight is 20/20.
DINO
Especially after a drinking binge.
Willow nods rapidly and then holds her head, wincing.
BUFFY
Oh this is great. Take an event of
utter beauty and turn it into the
embarrassment of a lifetime!
WILLOW
I'm sorry.
DINO
(to Buffy)
Calm down woman. God, you gotta
loosen up. You should get laid.
(fake realizing)
Oh, wait...
Dawn smacks Dino. Elle GIGGLES. Buffy glares.
FAITH
B, it's no big deal. They probably
all knew the basics anyway.
BUFFY
Basics?
(whispering)
Of lesbian sex?
FAITH
Are you always like this after
gettin' some?
ELLE
Some?
FAITH
Ya gotta chill, B. It's nothin' big.
BUFFY
This is US. It's the biggest thing
ever.
Many skeptical looks are directed at Buffy.
BUFFY
It is for me!
Faith smiles.
BUFFY
Either way, it's big. Very big.
XANDER
Yes it is.
All heads turn to Xander. Anya stops fanning as Xander
lifts his head and sits up.
XANDER
So big--so large--
(pointedly)
--so IMPORTANT. Everyone here
agrees that Buffy and Faith being a
couple is important, right?
Everyone except Anya--who shakes her head vigorously--
cautiously nod their heads.
XANDER
Good. Apparently, I'm not alone in
that one. Not in that one...but
that "alone" feeling is just
starting to wear off from somewhere
else. Can anyone guess where those
residual alone feelings are coming
from?
BUFFY
Xander, I wanted--
XANDER
(loudly)
--it is impolite to answer a
question with a deflective non-
answer. Indulge me people.
(to Willow)
Wills--enlighten us.
WILLOW
Uh...okay...this is just a wild
guess--you're hurt by being the
only one who didn't know?
XANDER
See? Best friends do think alike.
Unless it's my best friend Buffy
who thought her best friend Xander
wasn't interested in the major
events in her life.
BUFFY
That's ridiculous.
XANDER
Yeah, it is. I guess I just don't
matter. I'm irrelevant.
BUFFY
Now that hurts ME. How can you
even think that?
XANDER
Easy. My mind formulates all the
necessary conditions to produce
that thought. Everyone knew except
goofy ol' Xander.
DINO
Come on man, you couldn't have been
the only one.
XANDER
Did you know?
DINO
Well, yeah, but I figured it out
before they even got together.
Didn't you notice the wild energy
between them?
XANDER
Of course I did! I wrote it off as
being no different than the weird
energy Buffy has with Willow and
Anya. And she's not doing it with
them.
(to the girls)
Are you?
BUFFY
I'm taken.
WILLOW
Do I look sated?
ANYA
They wish.
XANDER
(to Dino)
Meanwhile, thanks buddy for keeping
their not-so-secret secret.
(sadly)
We watched "Die Hard" together.
DINO
I didn't think it was that big a deal.
XANDER
Why should it be? She's not your
sister.
Dino glances at Elle and hangs his head. Xander stands.
Someone CLEARS their throat. Everyone looks at the hallway
where Giles and Sylvia stand.
GILES
Are we interrupting?
XANDER
Ah, no. Buffy and Faith stopped
having sex about 20 minutes ago.
BUFFY
XANDER! You're making way too much
out of this. Faith and I were
waiting for the right time to
officially tell everyone.
SYLVIA
(to Giles)
Oh my. You were serious.
Xander and Buffy look sharply wide-eyed at Giles and Sylvia.
XANDER
What was that?
Giles and Sylvia look around the room.
XANDER
(to Buffy)
Giles knew? GILES?
(to Giles)
You knew, and of all people you
tell a stranger?
GILES
Sylvia is no stranger. She's a
watcher.
XANDER
Am I the only one who thinks that's
worse?
The others' reactions say he's not.
GILES
I discovered the girls in a
romantic embrace, purely by
accident. They said not a word to me.
XANDER
As if that makes it better? I
wasn't smart enough to figure it
out on my own; not lucky enough to
catch them in the act; and not...
(pause)
...worth telling.
Silence.
FAITH
Hey X, it's my fault really. I'm
not used to this relationship stuff...
BUFFY
(touching Faith's arm)
You don't have to.
XANDER
It's okay. I totally understand
that. Thing is, except for...
(to Sylvia)
...Sylvia was it?
She smiles and nods.
XANDER
Nice name.
(to Faith)
Except for Sylvia and me, you're
surrounded by people who take your
relationship so in stride they
don't even have to try and pretend
it's anything more than a casual
fact of life. I would've liked the
opportunity to join them.
Buffy and Faith shuffle in place, avoiding Xander's eyes.
Willow runs a frustrated hand through her hair. Dino wants
to say something but can't find the words. Anya sits, arms
crossed, a little irritated. Giles nervously glides further
into the room away from Xander.
XANDER
I need to cool off.
Xander hesitates before walking out. After a while:
SYLVIA
I take it this isn't the best time
to talk about the renegade slayer
and our fight against evil.
An uncomfortable silence blankets the room.
END ACT TWO Act
Three |
