PART 14
I don’t really know what she’s thinking right now and it bugs me. I know, I know, I was the one hoping for a 'no talk' on the us factor but honestly, her silence disturbs me. She’s talked to me about spins she and the others did in Philly, a little like ours today, she’s talked about school and other small stuff but she hasn’t been ‘personal’ and I’m thinking it’s not a good thing cause she looks thoughtful and that makes me feel bad…
I know I really sucked back there.
I have… had, still do maybe God I don’t know where I stand! Jeez can’t I make up my mind? I thought I didn’t want to ‘stand’ anywhere. I wanted to not act close but… I’m looking at her now and all I can think about is holding her and telling her what I feel but… I can’t… It’s not possible to feel that way. I mean I can’t be that way with her, I want to but… I just can’t have everyone knowing. It’s just too much right now. I think I’m lost in all my feelings…
And I can’t forget the slayer factor. If we’re really that close then she should know, but I don’t want her to know. Hell I wish I didn’t know it! Wish it wasn’t here but it is, and I can’t help thinking it has something to do with what’s going on with her… Maybe she’s just a substitute to the adrenaline… I know I’m supposed to hate slaying. Well, I hate being THE slayer sure but I can’t pretend I don’t feel a huge rush of excitement when I slay, and since I’ve stopped I know I’ve been missing this… except when I’m with her… Everything else goes away then and there's just her in my life…. How can I be sure this is not just a substitution… A somewhat ‘illicit’ high feeling to replace another one?
I can’t mess with her, I can’t get her involved into that shit so yes, I think it’s better to keep some distance sometimes… Maybe one day I’ll be able to explain to her and she’ll understand why I… why I’m such a coward, dammit!
“What’s wrong B?”
“What?”
“Dunno, you just hit your head saying dammit, so you tell me.”
“Oh, I said that out loud?”
Now she’s giving me that ‘you’re really peculiar’ look as she nods.
“Well, it’s nothing in fact, it’s err, yes, I was supposed to call my mother and I forgot.”
“How is she doing?”
She asks about my mom? Usually she doesn’t like when I talk of anything related to 'me out of NYC' .
“Well, not so good, she was glad she found a place really cheap to open her own gallery, she received a proposition out of nowhere from that town in California and she was happy but she needs a loan to buy it AND order the pieces for an eventual opening exhibition and so far… they don’t want to give it to her cause she has no other income. She feels pretty down about it.”
“Means you’re not going there yet?”
I can’t ‘read’ her tone and that bugs me.
“Well, no, not right now.”
“You still wanna leave?”
I still can’t read it, damn she’s good at hiding her emotions; what does she really want me to say? She sounds like it’s totally ok. I’m sure it’s not though… And ok, maybe I have a too big opinion of myself there, right?
“Well, I don’t know.” Yes I really am a coward. But what am I supposed to say? I do and I don’t. I feel it would be easier but then… God just looking at her and I want to stay right here, right now; with her. But this feeling can’t –
“Ok.”
That’s all she says? Ok? I guess I have to content myself with this cause she’s back looking ONLY at the road… and she’s thoughtful again…
“We’re there already?”
“Told you it wasn’t a long ride. Let’s get out.”
Indeed the bus ride wasn’t too long, mostly cause I fell asleep I guess. And most definitely because I fell asleep against her chest and she held me. She wasn’t holding me when I opened my eyes, but I know she was while I was sleeping cause I just dozed off and on in fact, didn’t sleep all the time and she was holding me tight. I even felt her hand on my face… Or maybe that was in my dream… Anyway, she’s back to ‘looking distant now’ though.
“What are we doing now, Faith?”
And there she goes with that wicked smile of hers as she moves closer, “Well we could… go back to my room… My aunt won’t be there till late so… we wouldn’t have to worry about noise and such…”
She turns me on so much just by her look on me now… And her lips, as she speaks to me so openly, mmmm. I just wanna grab them and kiss her forever.
“Err, it’s only 7 o’clock. It’s Saturday evening, we could hang out for a while maybe.” Did I just turn down her proposition, what’s wrong with me? I mean, good, good Buffy.
She still smiles. That means it’s ok, right? I just don’t know what to expect from her anymore.
“Ok B. We can go have a drink in some bar, maybe watch some movie and then go dancing if you want. I know some place where we can go without them checking our IDs. I know the manager.” She winks at me; does that mean this guy is one she faked doing something with or just that she likes that plan?
“Ok. We can try that.” But I think going back home wasn’t a bad idea after all.
The bar thing wasn’t such a good idea; we ran into a bunch of friends and she kept talking with them and laughing and, well, not really paying attention to me. I’m jealous, God I hate that. She’s probably just being ‘natural’ so that they don’t suspect anything. After all, I’m the one who doesn’t want anyone to know, right? I get what I deserve don’t I?
Yes, I knew it. I’m sure it’s because of what I said earlier. She is mad at me. Or maybe just… Grr I hate that, I’m doing my head in right now and-
“Buffy?”
“Huh what?”
God she makes me melt with that smile EVERYTIME.
“Let’s get out.”
Huh. What’s she doing? Without more words she just took my hand and led us out of the bar. I didn’t even finish my coke, hey!
“Where are we going?”
“Dancing!”
“Alright.”
“Wait, wait a minute Faith.”
“What’s wrong?”
“This club seems a little, well, hot.”
“Good thing cause… I’m hot too.”
Oh yes she is. Focus Buffy, focus.
“I mean, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.”
“Yes it is, now come on girlfriend.”
Ok. She drags me in, wow, yes hot. It’s barely ten and it’s already crowded in here and people err, wow, making out, somehow, on some couches.”
“Hey Vinnie!!”
“Hey doll!”
Did that bartender just kiss her on the lips? I think he did, and she smiles? Ok. I won’t say anything. I am NOT jealous.
“It’s been a while sugar, thought you’d forgotten about my due lap dance.
What the huh?!
She raised her eyebrows to me lightly.
“Sorry Vin, not tonight, I’m with a friend.” She raises her eyebrows again, what did that mean?
“You’re lucky to be such a hottie babe cause otherwise I’d throw your sexy ass outta here.”
How does he dare touc- And now they’re both smiling? I don’t like that. What now? He’s giving her two beers? What the-? God I hope one is not for me, is it? Seeing the way she looks at me I think it is. She’s coming closer.
“Here you go.”
“Faith, I’m not drinking this, and neither should you.”
Why is she moving so close, oh my God, she put her hand on my waist, almost on my ass!
“I’ll drive tonight don’t worry.” God can she possibly turn me on some more?!
Ok, focus Buffy, focus.
“I’m serious, Faith.”
“I know, that’s why you have to drink this.”
I don’t hear her that much now with that noise. Why does she insist so much on going to the dance floor? There's too many people already and- ok, I kinda like that sight. Damn, she likes dancing. Wow. I guess I’m not the only one checking her out cause she’s dancing and swirling and getting all the attention right now. Ok and now I’m losing her to these huge guys surrounding her somehow. I don’t, I really don’t like that.
She’s not freaking out or anything? God she drinks so fast. Hey he just touched her ass, I mean almost her ass, but her lower back at least, and she didn’t say anything! Damn, she sure gained some confidence on that level, or maybe she’s just on ‘oblivious mode’. Well, I’m gonna get on ‘slayer mode’ here soon if this guy moves any closer; she’s mine! Ok I think I need some fresh air. Or a drink, yes, cause I’m crazy now. This town, really. I’m losing my mind here.
Ewe this drink is awful! Hey she took his hand?! From what I can barely see anyway. Ok, another mouthful ewe! I can’t see her anymore. Why is she doing this? That’s because of earlier. I knew it wasn’t *ok*. Couldn’t she say something instead of- Ok, now I’m a hypocrite.
Ewe, this thing still doesn’t taste any better. Oh, she’s coming to me, err, no, it’s not her, damn I thought, ok, if I start hallucinating that’s not a good thing. It’s so hot in here. Hey I see her over there! She’s so beautiful… And why do I wear this stupid smile on my lips now? I can’t see me but I feel "stupid” written on my face right now. Come on, Buffy, stop smiling, stop, stop! What’s wrong with me!
Ewe! I prefer coke… Ewe, that one tasted better, I think. God I’m so hot. Ok now that’s not funny anymore. This guy just touched her ass!! She’s mine!!!
“Hey!! Hey!!”
“You bitch.”
“Careful!!”
Are they talking to me?
“Wow B. Careful if you don’t wanna start a fight.”
I like the way she’s smiling at me as I’m holding her. My God how come I’m holding her?
“Wow, I just pushed these guys, didn’t I?”
“Yep, you did. Hard.”
“I thought they were, you know. I think, I think-“
“Tastes good huh?”
“What?” She smiles wickedly at my EMPTY beer. How did I do that?! I think I’m slightly *drunk*.
“No, it’s ok. I’m ok.”
She keeps on smiling.
“T’s ok B. I like it when you act all butch on me like that.”
Yeah right, make fun of me now. Oh my God, she’s rubbing herself on me… Hard.
“Makes me feel all *hot* inside, B. Makes me think of the thing you can do to me with this body of yours."
“Ah!” God she just bit my earlobe. I can’t believe how turned on I am. She knows exactly how to push my buttons. My head is spinning. She’s touching me, *not lightly* this time, in front of a whole crowd and I’m not saying or doing anything. I’m definitely drunk.
“Mmmm.”
She makes me moan, she just caressed my breasts. I can’t even let my eyes open now. I just wanna lay close against her…
“Let’s go home.”
I love how sensual she sounds when she whispers like that.
She drags me out and I have absolutely no more resistance. I just wanna be with her…
