PART 18
Mmmm that shower feels good. And having to hold Faith close to me, supposedly because of her ankle, feels even better. I still feel weird though about the look Sarah gave us. I mean, we already took showers together, I mean, we’ve never been that careful around her, cause she’s more 'cool’ I guess and mostly, she never minds our business so we kind of thought... Well, I kind of thought it was ok but she looked... well, I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but the look she gave us. I’m sure Faith felt it too cause she wouldn’t have felt the need to justify the shared shower with her ankle’s injury otherwise. Anyway, let’s just get clean and then I’ll bandage her.
“It’s alright, Buffy, I’m gonna do it.”
“It’s ok, I don’t mind, Sarah.”
“You should get your hair dry instead. I don’t want to give you back to your father with a cold.”
“It’s cool, Sarah. Buffy never gets sick. I swear her father told me that. And besides, you’re not done with your cooking. It’s cool. B's got it. She’s really good at this anyway.”
I love the way she winked at me when she said that. I remember my first bandage on her. When she fell... when we fell... I can’t help smiling, and Sarah’s giving us that look again.
“Alright.” Or maybe not. It’s probably me. I’m paranoid.
Her skin is so soft. Hey, she just shivered. I look at her and I know she’s thinking the exact same thing; she loves when I touch her, even the slightest touch. Ok focus Buffy.
“Mal and Morena went on the blue path, shortly after you.”
“They did. So did they like it?”
I don’t know how Faith can keep her cool in any situation and talk so natural when I’m sure Sarah had something else in mind.
“They’re hiking almost every weekend at their place you know.”
“Yeah, I do. We should even go with them one of these days.” There again with the natural and innocent tone.
“We should. Anyway, they walk pretty fast cause they’re used to it. They usually take the red or black path, but they took the blue, in case you needed anything you know, or just walk with you for a while.”
“Really? We didn’t see them.”
How can she lie so easily? We never even went on the blue path. No way we’d have seen them.
“That, I know.”
Oi. I’m feeling sweaty suddenly. That’s probably why she’s been giving us these looks I guess. She knows we lied.
“They ate at River valley, where you were supposed to be for lunch too.”
“Oh right, but we finally changed paths, went on the orange one for a very short while, up to Tam’s valley, haven’t been there often. I just wanted to show Buffy some place really cool, you know. I’m sorry we didn’t stick to the plan. But we were safe all the time. The orange way is easy too, you know.”
“Yes, and you twisted your ankle how again?”
“I ran, just a little. We were slightly late. You would’ve scolded us otherwise.”
“I told you to never run on a mountain. If you hadn’t changed path, you wouldn’t have been late, by the way. What if something had happened to you? Where do you think we’d have been looking for you?”
“I’m sorry.” God, who could resist a pouting face like that?
“Anyway, you got hurt so I guess, that will teach you good.”
“That means ‘no more scolding’?”.
Good thing; Sarah’s smiling. No one can resist Faith’s pouting face, EVER.
“You were lucky young ladies.”
Faith smiles at me. Means we should be safe of scolding for tonight. On to the bandage now.
I think it should be good that way, let me see, yes I know, I didn’t have to run my hand along her calf down to the bandage like I did but I wanted too, and it got me a sexy smile from her and God Sarah’s looking! She turned around very fast though. I’m getting a bad vibe now.
“It’s done.”
“Perfect timing; dinner’s ready.”
Weird, she smiles normally, I don’t know now if it’s just me or if she’s really... I don’t know. Let’s eat, I’m starved.
“Damn I’m starved, Auntie.”
She’s just like me.
“Don’t call me that or you don’t eat.”
“K” They laugh. I really prefer that.
“My God that was so good.”
“Told you Sarah was a good cook.”
“I already knew that but, THAT was awesome.”
“I’ve tasted better.” Oh my God, can’t she be more explicit? Damn, the gaze she’s giving me right now; ooo, burning my skin already. Though I admit I’m kinda beat but... if she really wants too.... Oh, good, she just laid her head on my chest. I like that. I guess if I’m beat then she must be worn out.
“That was an awesome day, Buffy.”
I can’t do anything but agree with that. It was... So much. “Yes.”
“Awesome.” Her voice is very low. She IS worn out. I love caressing her hair. Let me see; yes, she closed her eyes already, she’ll be asleep soon. Wonderful day...
Mmmm, I slept like a baby. I’m a little cold now though. I hope Faith didn’t get cold last night and- but where is she? God it’s weird. It felt... My heart felt so heavy for an instant, as she was not beside me when I woke up. It almost hurt. Yeah, somehow it did hurt. I know it’s not like we’re sharing a bed every night. But when we do fall asleep together it’s like... I don’t know but, I know now what it feels when she’s not there in the morning when she’s supposed to, and honestly, I don’t like the taste of it. It’s stupid I know. She’s probably in the bathroom or something. I hope her ankle feels better this morning.
Ok 5 minutes is enough for the bathroom. I gotta get up and find her now.
Didn’t have to look far, she’s in front of the chalet, with Sarah. Time to say good morning I gu-
“But I have nothing to say on that.”
They seem to be arguing.
“Then you’ll just listen. Cause we need to talk about Buffy.”
Oh. I knew there was something wrong.
“Buffy and you, to be more accurate.”
That sounds even worse.
“There’s nothing to talk about Buffy and I. I don’t even know...-“
“Faith!”
Wow, never heard Sarah raise her voice before. Faith seems silent now.
“I’m not your mother I know that, but I’m still the one responsible for you, so you’re going to listen to me. For once.”
Oi. Faith looks at the ground. Not a good sign. Though Sarah’s gaze is really softening now. She sighs.
“I meant to have this conversation with you earlier, and I probably should have but... I respect your private life, just like you respect mine. That was the deal, remember?”
Faith nods at this, and now she frowns, “I didn’t do anything. I mean, I might have told Buffy little things about Jude and you, but that’s all.”
“It’s not about Jude and I, you perfectly know that.”
And now Faith looks at the ground again.
“I like Buffy, you know that. She’s a nice girl. There was something strong between the two of you since the beginning. Nothing that I had to comment on. It wasn’t my place. You became friends, more than friends, we both know it.”
Ok, now I feel really bad. I guess, we both knew she probably knew but... I feel kind of ashamed to know that she officially knows. Wish I didn’t feel that way... but I do.
“Look, I know... Yes, Buffy and I we’re... kinda together but I... It’s not a bad thing, I mean-“
“No, it’s not. And I’m not having this conversation to stop this relationship.”
“But then what?” Faith summed up my thought there.
“I’m worried about you.”
Huh?!
“But I’m fine. Better than I’ve ever been.”
“I know. I mean, I didn’t say anything at first because, she kind of ‘boosted’ you up at first, but your relationship really got too serious... too fast. You just turned fifteen, she’s not even 16 yet and I honestly think this relationship goes further than it should.”
I don’t know what to think about that.
“I’m a big girl, Sarah. I think I’ve been through enough things in my life to qualify as more mature than my age.”
“Yes, you’ve been through a lot, even if you still haven’t shared much with me, for me to judge of it. But I know you found a confident in Buffy, which is also why I didn’t say anything at first.”
“Then you know she’s been a good thing in my life, if not the best since you took me out of there. I feel so much better now, you should be glad.”
“I can’t be glad. Not when I see how things are evolving.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“What started as ‘you finally finding a balance’ is becoming ‘you losing it’ and big time. The efforts you did first, at school, at home,... everything is just gone; there’s only just Buffy now. You know I’m right. She’s all that matters. She’s all you think about. Nothing else really matters and this is how it gets dangerous.”
“You can’t understand.”
Ooh Faith gets up. Wow, Sarah just held her back!
“Yes I DO understand. I know what love is. And love is not losing yourself into the other, Faith. This kind of love is blind passion, and that passion is dangerous and painful because there’s always a fall down in the end. And I know you, Faith. You’re going to get hurt if you throw yourself into this the way you do. And I don’t want to see that happen.”
Faith is silent and- what’s falling on my hand? I’m crying and I didn’t even notice. God, I don't want to see Faith get hurt either but... Why do I feel like Sarah’s right? Or mostly, why do I feel that Faith is gonna get hurt in the end. I’m the only one who could hurt her... So that means we’re cool, right? Cause I would never do that? Never....
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so torn apart in my head and heart. Why do I feel like my mind thinks the opposite of my heart...?
No, no. I won’t hurt her... I love her... Why would I hurt her?
Because I can’t tell her? No, it doesn’t mean I will hurt her. Please God, don’t let me hurt her....
Lunch was pretty good though Faith was really quiet. I was too, then. Sarah and her friends had fun though. They’re pretty interesting people. Faith laughed several times at what they were saying and she smiled. She honestly looked ok, but she was... quiet...
And now we’re walking hand in hand through the hill. She’s dragging me further from the chalet.
There, I think she found her spot. She looks at me.
“Yes, it seems fine to me, Faith.”
She spread the huge cover on the ground. That spot is pretty smooth compared to the rest of the ground. We’ll be fine here to just lay and take some sun before leaving in an hour.
“Are you alright?” I meant to ask her this since this morning but I didn’t.
“Yes. Why?”
“I don’t know... You were really quiet for lunch so I figured maybe something’s bothering you.”
I don’t want her to know I heard them.
“No, I’m just... thoughtful.”
Mmm she rests against my chest, I love that, I can caress her hair.
“Buffy?”
“Yes?”
“I was thinking, you know there’s this winter party next week, or the one after I don’t remember. It’s at Jen’s place. Well, I was thinking we could go... together.”
“Well, we’re both going so I guess, we’ll be together then.”
I know, I know, I’m lame.
“I meant, we could just let them know, you know. I’m pretty sure they have a good idea already. Most of them do anyway.”
“No, don’t say that, they don’t know.”
“Why do you take it like that, Buffy? Why is it so bad if they know? They’re really cool about this. You’re the only one having a problem with this, you know.”
“You sure about this?”
“What do you mean?”
“I just meant that Sarah’s been giving me weird looks these days, you know.”
“She’s cool about it.”
“She doesn-“
“She IS. Period.”
Since she doesn’t want talk about it, why would I?
“So, do you agree or not?”
She’s getting pissed off now. I just... I wanna prove her that Sarah was wrong and she’s not gonna get hurt, I have to say yes. I have to go, I have to let her know how I feel since I’m not able to tell her but, “I don’t know, Faith.”
She looks away. I hate that. I hate myself.
“Why do you care so much about them knowing?”
“Why do you care so much about them NOT knowing Buffy?”
“Ok, here’s what we’re gonna do, Faith. We’ll go there together and we’ll just... see what happens once we're there. The atmosphere and all and we’ll see.”
She doesn’t seem convinced.
“I just wanna be with you, Faith. That’s all I want.” I think I did better there, she still hesitates though.
I know it’s cheating but I can’t resist the temptation of kissing her when she pouts like that. Mmm, her hand on my waist. I need to kiss her some more. Yes, there. Neck...
“Buffy.”
No more talking. I wanna make love to her. I don’t wanna talk about this. I can’t deal with this... But with what she loves, that, I can deal with. It’s all I can do for now... It’s still cheating, but at least I’m doing her good this way... That’s all I wanna do. I don’t wanna hurt her...
Just... love her.
