PART 19
She was very quiet when we left. She’s sleeping in my arms now so I guess she was still tired from yesterday, plus our little session just before leaving kind of… relaxed her… to sleep. I just hope her mind is off these things…
Why would we have to tell people? Why can’t we just keep it to ourselves? All right, Summers; like you don’t have enough secrets maybe? I know, I know. But then maybe… maybe secrets are best. Some things aren’t meant to be known… I think there’s a song that says something like that, or maybe it’s a proverb but I’m sure about that one ‘happy are they who value they privacy’. I need to teach her that one.
Am I really a hypocrite or just a complete nut? Huh. Not sure these days…. Ok, I’d better try and sleep some too…
“Girls.”
“Girls hello?”
“Huh what?”
Oh, we’re there.
“Are we here already?”
I love her waking-up voice. Makes me horny. What is wrong with me?! Ok, don’t look at her.
Sarah’s smiling at us.
“Look at that. The country’s youth. Spending its time sleeping.”
She’s so laughing at us, AGAIN. I prefer that though, her gaze is nice, to me too. I think I understand. I really got what she meant, I think, but I’m still afraid of it. I’m glad she’s still nice with me though. I’ve held Faith in my arms during the entire trip, so I was kind of afraid; but it’s really nothing against us being together so…. I think I even caught sight of her looking in the rear view when I was caressing Faith’s forehead as she was drifting to sleep, and Sarah smiled at that. I think…
“Here’s your stop, Buffy.”
Yeah I know. Unfortunately.
Faith goes out of the car now. I’d better follow them out too.
“It was awesome Sarah. Thank you very much for bringing me with you.”
“I’m glad you liked the place, Buffy. We’ll do it again in the summer, don’t worry.”
“Cool.”
I feel Faith touching my back. She’s behind me as I’m talking to Sarah.
I hate that moment. I wish we just never had to part and I look at her now and I can see that in her eyes too.
She feels sad. She smiles though.
“It was great.”
That’s the least we can say. But how to describe these moments we spent together, it is too intense for words… Yes I know, I tend to lean towards what Sarah said there. But it is. Yes it is, intense. Something I never knew existed. It scares me sometimes…
“Yes. It was…" I can’t find a word, but she smiles… She knows.
God she moves closer as if she’s gonna kiss me. Sarah is just here and my neighbours too.
“I-I’ll see you tomorrow then, at school.” I moved away from her so fast. It breaks my heart and I guess hers even more.
“’K. See you.” She sounds disappointed.
I’m sorry. Hey, she winked at me. It’s a little like she reads my mind. She knows me so well. But then if she does, does she know I can never change on that subject? I don’t think I could ever face it. How long is she gonna put up with that? I feel like she already wants more than what I can give her even if she pulls away every time like she accepts it. I can feel it.
I just smile at her. She’s so beautiful….
They’re gone….
All right, let’s walk inside.
How come this place still doesn’t feel like home? Anyway I ha- God he scared me.
“Hi Buffy. How was your weekend?”
“Oh, err, it was great. That’s a beautiful place up there.”
“It must probably be.”
“Why-, I thought you were playing racquetball with your friend Brad this Sunday?”
“We did it this morning. I thought I should be home when my little girl comes back, don’t you think?”
“Err, yes, probably.” Was he watching us by the window? He looks like he was when I came in.
“We haven’t spent lots of time together these days. What with my work and you being at Faith’s most of the time.”
I'm really not sure I like the tone he used.
“So I thought we could spend some more time together and do things that you like, so I thought we could go to the mall this Wednesday, just you and me and go see a movie, go at the video arcade and do a little shopping. Just the way you like it.”
Way I LIKED it. Well I still do but… with Faith only now.
“Err, yes it’s cool but err, Wednesday we, Faith and I, were supposed to study for the exams coming up.”
“You can study another time, you see her at school all the time. I’ll pick you up after school then.”
Alright.
“Ok.”
“Oh and Buffy, here, this for you.”
“What is it?”
“A little present. Go ahead, take a look.”
Ok. Round trip flight to… Sunnydale? THIS weekend?!
“What’s that?”
“I know how much you miss your mother. So you’ll spend the whole weekend with her. I knew you’d be happy.”
Err, well..
“But dad, this weekend is the funfair. You know Faith and I are going there. I told you many times.”
“Oh. It was that weekend? I’m sorry, I must have forgotten.”
Is he for real?
“It’s not a big deal; you’ll go to another fair.”
There’s something really wrong going on here.
“Can’t we just change the flights?”
“You’d rather go to a fair than see your mother?”
Alright. Guilt trip now. Ok, I’m over it.
“That’s not what I meant but… I don’t understand, why now?”
“What do you mean? Buffy, I thought you’d be happy, you’ve been harassing me for that for weeks.”
“No. I WAS. And you never seemed too eager to ‘make me happy’ then. You didn’t want me to see mom so what’s changed now?”
I know, I’m losing my temper a little too fast but I really feel there’s something else there.
“You know you’re not fair, Buffy. It just wasn’t easy before, you know that.”
“Mom wasn’t leaving under a bridge. I could still have gone there when she was at Aunt Jackie's …. But you didn’t want to.”
“She had things to set straight. And you’re gonna take another tone with me, Buffy. This conversation is over now. You’re going there next weekend, period.”
“So you don’t care at all about my life? That I had plans and people counting on me?”
“You call that a plan? And it’s just Faith. You see her every day, every weekend. You can stay away from each other for at least two days can't you?”
I don’t like that tone. So here we are, then.
“Do you… I thought you liked, Faith.”
“What makes you think I don’t? With you kids, it’s always all or nothing. I like Faith. She’s nice, but I think you two are spending way too much time together and I don’t think it’s a good thing, Buffy. I don’t think she has the best of influences on you, that’s all.”
God, he doesn’t even look me in the eyes. I feel… I feel ashamed, his tone is like… It’s like he knows, somehow, something, I don’t know and… He sounds ashamed. I just… I just don’t know what to say.
“She’s… She’s my best friend. That’s the reason why.”
He cleared his throat. I feel so bad right now.
“Yes. But still. And your grades are not that good, Buffy. I think you don’t work as well as you could when you’re with her. I think you should think of studying with other persons. And about this, what happened to that boy, Danny?”
Huh. What?
“Your mother told me about him, a while ago. You liked that boy, right? You could invite him for dinner one evening.”
“Dad? I just-”
“Or some other friends if you wanted to.”
This can’t be happening.
“Dad, you never liked me bringing boys at home in L.A.. Now you want to have them to dinner?”
“I thought you were too young at the time. But you’re almost sixteen now and girls your age date boys so I’m gonna have to get used to it eventually. I prefer that we stay in the open about it, so if I meet your dates I won’t worry so much about it, you know.”
“I-I.” I’m at words loss.
“So, is this boy still around or is he history already?”
“He’s… He’s just a friend.”
“Your mother said he sounded nice from what you told her. I still think you should have him for dinner one of these days. Or go see a movie with him. I’ll give you money if you need to.”
I just can’t stop staring at him now. I can’t believe it! Lately he’s been so reluctant for anything I needed to go out. I just can’t… I can’t deal with that. He can’t know.
“I-, err, yes, maybe. I’ll see.”
“Good. You know I only want what’s best for you, Buffy.”
Luckily he goes away on that killing sentence because I can feel tears on my cheeks now. I wish I could tell him… she’s what’s best for me, instead of lying but I can’t… He can’t know. He can’t. I can’t let him think….
God, I just wanna hang myself right now….
“Hey Buffy!”
She runs to me.
Now I can’t help feeling that everyone is looking at us and knows.
“Hey.”
“Wow, you look… And you’ve got rings.”
“I didn’t sleep well.”
She gives me that wicked smile, “Too bad I wasn’t there. I’d have helped you with that.” She winks at me. She can be so naughty sometimes, and I wish it didn’t make me feel bad to be turned on by this attitude of hers, but it does.
Walking now. So silent. She’s looking at me but I just don’t know what to say.
“So, what do we do tonight?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, are we seeing each other? Do you wanna go some place specific?”
“Err, well, actually I think I should just go home tonight… and study, probably alone. You know we don’t get much done when we’re together so maybe…”
“Alright. Tomorrow then?”
“Yeah, maybe. But you know you should study too cause I know your grades are down too.”
“Ok, what’s wrong, Buffy?”
I so can’t lie to her.
“My father kind of… Well, he’s on my back. He thinks we spend too much time together.”
“I see.”
“And I’d better tell you now. Wednesday’s cancelled and… the funfair too this weekend.”
She looks so disappointed.
“I’m sorry. He’s sending me to my mom for the weekend; he didn’t wanna hear anything about it. I couldn’t do otherwise. But I swear I tried.”
“I know. So you’re not gonna be here at all? For the entire weekend?”
“Nope.”
It’s gonna be a long week…. The bell rings.
“Well.”
“Yes. We’d better go.”
“Ok. See you for lunch.”
“K. Later.”
I have this really bitter taste in my mouth...
