PART 24
I'm walking like a zombie. I've killed things looking way more alive than I do now. I didn't want to go to school this morning; I even think I have a temperature but he said it was nothing. He said he'll check I'm staying at school, alone, well, without her. He really doesn't trust me anymore. I can't see her, I can't see Faith. He's been clear; if I see her he will cause Sarah and her some problems. How am I supposed to do that? Not see her?
It feels like it's taking forever to get to my classroom. These corridors are so long and there are so many people around. They're all smiling and laughing and talking. Can't they see it's the end of the world? Why does it feel like it is to me, and not to everyone else?
I'm scared; I've seen Max and Bren over there. But not her. It’s what I'm the most afraid of right now; seeing her, her face. How am I gonna be strong? How am I supposed to- What will she say?
“Buffy.” My heart just stopped. She's behind me. She spoke so low. I feverishly turn around. She looks.... expectant. I'd say she looks a little anxious too. Does she know what I'm supposed to tell her? I look around now, if he's there, if he sees us... I think she understands. I follow her to the restrooms, we need to talk... But not for too long. God I'm so scared of what he'll say... Why can't I face him?
Alright, we're in. Yes, to the corner cause there are some girls over the basins.
I try to smile but... I fail, though God knows how much the simple sight of her puts a gigantic smile on my heart. ... Well, it used to at least.... Now my heart is all... heavy.
“What's up?”
What's up? Her tone seems so laid-back suddenly. “Just the usual, spent my weekend either arguing or avoiding my father, I’m grounded for life, I'm supposed to go see a shrink so everything's perfect you see.” That's my sarcastic voice, “What did you think was UP, Faith?” And that was my angry voice.
“Chill, B ok?”
Alright if she wants to act like that, “Oh and also, I’m not supposed to see you or talk to you EVER again.”
She flinched.
“Are you really surprised about that?” That was still my angry voice there. I need to cool down because she doesn't look so well now. I think, maybe she was just trying to protect herself or something when she talked like that.
“No I' not surprised. And it hasn't been a funny weekend for me too if you wanna know.”
She doesn't seem happier than me that is for sure, “I'm sorry. What did Sarah tell you?”
“Stupid stuff. That she was disappointed, and that I needed to pull myself together and a bunch of crap like that. I don't care anyway.”
“Maybe she's right. I mean, I think you should care. You're... I'm worried about you.”
“What is this, Buffy?”
“I told you, I'm worried.”
“No, no, no,” she half smiled, a not-so-nice smile, “this isn’t what it is. Are you telling me that you think your father's right? Or more clearly; you don't want to see me again?”
“No, I-“ That's what I should do...
“You what?”
“I don't want that but, I-I have to-“
She swallowed. She looks angry now, “Why don't you tell him to fuck off?!”
“I can't do that.”
“Well, I did; I told her to get off my back. I did it, for you. If you really lo- cared for me the way you say you do, you would. Bell's ringing now. See ya.”
“No, Faith, wait!” She's gone, she looked... she looked so hurt inside; I could feel the sadness behind her anger. I could because I know her.
This has been the longest day of my entire life. I sat alone for lunch. She wasn't there, but even if she'd been I would have sat alone. I've seen him. He probably thinks I didn't notice but I did. He checked where I was. So now he takes some time apart from his job to come and see me, huh?
I shouldn't be surprised I guess. We really screwed up this time. Big time...
I haven't seen her either in the afternoon and here I am, key in my door and I feel so sad.... The only thing I want right now is to call her. I know I won't, not only because dad confiscated my cell phone, but mostly because... I know I can't.
How come the one thing that could make my day so much brighter is the reason that it is so dark in the first place? Why does it have to be that way? Why can't I tell him to 'fuck off'? Even just saying the words feels wrong. I know I can't do that...
What am I gonna do? This isn't fair? Why can't he see that she makes me happy? And we wouldn't have to hide or leave the way we did this weekend if he’d let me see her the way I want to? Or would we?
I know she's changed, I tried not to think about it but I know she did. I know she goes beyond the limits but I feel bad cause... I know it's my fault... It's the way I react, ever since the beginning.... I'm the one pushing her further in her sort of rebellion. I feel like it's my entire fault.
I can't let her down now that I've created this mess.
This is getting harder and harder. I didn't talk to her today again and damn this is.... I hate that feeling. She was there at lunch, with the others. I couldn't sit with them of course but then, I didn't have any other opportunities to see or talk to her.
End of day 3. I'm positive now; not talking to her anymore is definitely out of options. I just can't stay that far, for that long. But how am I supposed to talk to her now, to tell her what I feel if I don't see her? I haven't seen her at all today. I miss her. So much.
Finally, she's there, detention class during the study time? Does she have so many detention hours that she can't do them after school? She's really messing up badly. Alright, be strong Buffy, you can do that.
I discreetly sat just beside her. Alright she doesn't even look at me. Please don't make it harder, please, Faith. .... Ah, she finally looks at me, alright, expectant now. Come on Buffy, say something. She's waiting.
“I miss you.” Oh, not what I thought I would say. Though that's really what I think but... I didn't want to say it.
The slight pissed off look she had earlier disappeared. She looks at the papers in front of her now.
“I'm sorry if you thought-“ I swallowed, “Please believe me, I know that I absolutely do NOT want to be away from you. I mean, this way. I can't stand this.”
“Me neither.” Thank God she looks at me. She even tried a shy smile.
“So what do we do?”
That's a good question.
“I don't really know, but as long as we still talk to each other we'll find a way. But Faith,” she looks skeptically at me now, “we need to take it easy with our parents.”
She sighs.
“I tell you, Faith. Getting on the wrong side of them is really not an option at this time. If we do things the right way maybe they will let it go.”
“That's bullshit, Buffy and you know it. What is it that you were doing so wrong in the first place to make your dad want us to see less often, huh? You don't remember that? Good grades, nice with everyone... And yet he still said something about us. You want the solution, Buffy? Then tell him; tell him how you and I are close, and that it's not any of his business what we do in private.”
“But it is, Faith. He's my father. And we're only fifteen, Faith.” Why is it so hard for her to get that?
“And so? Age ain’t nothing but a number. It's OUR lives. Damn I'm glad I don't have a father, well, so to speak, and that my mother is, sorta dead to me.”
“And what about Sarah? You know how she cares about you; you have a chance I don't have. She understands and doesn't judge. If you would just take it easy with her you wouldn't have to worry about anything.”
“Wouldn't I?”
The way she looked at me just froze me. She looks at me as if she could hear this little voice in the back of my head.
“Sarah ain't a problem that much. It's just an excuse for you.”
“You know it's not. I can't stand seeing you unhappy, Faith, you know that. I would do anything to make you feel good.”
“Then tell your father.”
“He wouldn't understand. Faith it's not that easy.”
“Do you wanna be with me or not?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then it is.”
“Think about it, Faith. What do you think our chance to see each other freely again is if we keep messing with them? What chances do we have for them to say yes to us going out as we please if we always send them packing? Think about it? But if we calm the game a little, do some more efforts at home and at school, then we stand a chance for them to treat us more like adults than babies. I'm really trying to think about the best way for us.”
“Yeah. Are you sure this isn’t rather the easiest way for you to not face him with it?”
She’s got a point, but so do I and she knows it because she sighs resignedly and looks in front of her.
“So, what do we have to do exactly? Tell me, since you’ve given it so many thoughts.”
Sarcastic much. Anyway, “I don’t know exactly, but try to be nicer with your Aunt. And don’t skip classes and such.”
“I’m willing to play your game for your father, but what I do with Sarah is my business.”
I don’t like her tone.
“Please, Faith.”
“When am I seeing you?”
She didn’t even consider what I’m saying. As for the answer to that question, yeah, I guess she can read on my face that it’s not a good one.
“Fine.”
“Look, Faith, we can see each other here, at the break sometimes, for short amounts of time. My father isn’t gonna show up here every day for long believe me. We just let it go for a while and it will be fine. Then when I can go out a little more freely, he won’t know who I’m with.” I know; I’ll be lying to him again and I hate how it makes me feel. But I hate even more not being with her.
“And when will that be?”
“I don’t know, Faith.”
“Do you think you’ll be free for Jen’s winter party next weekend? We planned this a month ago... You gotta tell him.”
“Right now he doesn’t really care what I planned, Faith. Next week, I wouldn’t count on it.” I SO know we can’t count on it. She seems so frustrated and... upset.
“But it’ll be fine. I’ll just do whatever he tells me and soon it will be fine. I promise, Faith.”
“So I can’t see you at all this weekend? You sure you can’t sneak out for just an hour or two?”
Did she even listen to anything I said? Doing something like this is the last thing to do now. But I can’t even be mad at her, she looks so sad right now.
“I’m sorry, Faith. I’m not even gonna be here this weekend. Another trip to Sunnydale. I know that he was on the phone with my mother on Saturday and he’s sending me there again.”
“Sunnydale huh? You liked it there, right?”
“Why are you doing this, Faith? You know I’d rather be with you.”
“Yeah. Well, I hope you have fun, still.”
“Look, trust me, Faith,” I gently put my hand on her wrist, “It’s gonna be alright. Besides, I have a plan to make it better, faster.”
“A plan? What is it?”
“I still need to work on it.” And mostly you’re gonna hate it so I can’t tell you now.
“Ok, let me know then.”
“I will. Just, try to cool things down with your Aunt and we’ll be fine. I’ll take care of my father.”
She finally smiles. God I wanna kiss her so much... I would die if I had to never taste her lips again. I’d miss her gaze too much to not try anything I can....
