PART 26
Lunch, I’m sitting with Nate and some of his classmates, as well as some of mine. Faith is over there, with Max, Veronica and Bren and Danny. I can’t help glancing at her. God I hope she didn’t see Nate touching my face a couple times. He likes to pull my hair backwards. I guess he likes to touch my face, period. I glanced at her, hoping she didn’t see. The thing is, I can’t help smiling at him. It’s weird cause when he looks at me with all his attention and all, it brings me back to Emery, when things used to be as simple as this.
There we are, at my place.
“So, do you want to work on math again?”
Even he seems bored about it. No I don’t want to but what else are we gonna do? I gotta keep him busy or-
“Can I check your CD collections?”
Or we’ll end up in my room like... now. I’m standing in the middle of my room. As straight as a stick. He’s checking my CDs.
“Can we put this one?”
That’s my Radiohead CD ‘The Bends’, “Sure.”
He puts it and turns to look at me, “Are you alright?”
“Yes.”
“You look a little... Come here, relax.”
Something’s really wrong here; he’s leading me to my own bed to sit on. Doesn’t he get it? That’s what’s making me anxious, this bed, him and me in my room... I bet he does...
“I really like your room.”
“You do?”
“Yep.” Oh my God he lies down, I don’t dare to move, what is he doing? He’s going through some stuff. He can’t go through MY stuff.
“Is it Spanish?”
“What?” I say as I look at him, “Oh, err, yes that’s my Spanish book.”
“I wish I’d taken Spanish instead of German.”
“Why?”
“I like the sound of it better.”
I can’t help thinking he’s cute. He’s got a very childlike gaze and it’s really weird because he doesn’t look like a child, at all. He looks pretty matured, I mean physically. Alright now I’m blushing again. But his eyes anyway, very childlike.
“Would you read some for me?”
“Err,”
“Please.” Again with the shy-boy look.
“I guess I can.”
“Cool.” He hands me the book.
I start, “This is a book about various Spanish books, it compares them, so err, La guerra civil española is the first one,” oh, he moves behind me, well, half beside me. I’m sitting so close to the edge of the bed I might actually fall from it.
“Go ahead.”
“Right, err, El primer mérito de esté Nuevo de Antony Beevor as el de basarse en un serio esfuerzo de-“ Oh my God he’s kissing me, he’s kissing me! And... I’m letting him do... Oh God what am I doing?
He pulls away.
“You really like Spanish don’t you?” What was that? Keep teasing the boy Buffy!!! Why am I not yelling at him or chasing him?
“Or I think I really like you, Buffy.”
And wasn’t that the plan? Yes but, no. I mean, Faith. God I kissed him. He caresses my face, what can I tell him without ruining the plan?
“I’m sorry I said I won’t push. I guess I just can’t resist you, you’re too beautiful, Buffy.”
I wish he wasn’t making so many compliments with his puppy dog eyes. He’s caressing my neck and... pulling me closer now and, oh, kissing me again. I’ve got, I’ve got... I have to let him do...
We’re so totally on the bed now, lying side by side, well, I’m on him a lot, onto his chest at least. But I prefer to stay like that than letting him a chance to move on top because God knows where that could lead. Though he’s been rather correct since we started kissing. He hasn’t put his hands other than on my waist, face or my back. He hasn’t tried to feel me up so far so that’s cool...
But still, if Faith saw me... What will I tell her?
She doesn’t have to know.
“Are you alright, Buffy? I mean, with this?”
No, no no I’m not alright. I mean, “Yes.” God he’s back to kissing me. Oh God his hand moves up. Oh that’s what it meant? Am I alright with this so that we can go further? Oh boy, “No err,” I stopped his hand just in time under my left breast.
“I’m sorry, I’m... It’s going a little too fast.”
“It’s ok. I can wait.” There with my hair again, and back to kissing me, oo my neck. I wish that wasn’t such an erogenous zone.
I can’t believe we’ve been kissing for so long. God we almost beat Faith and my record of one hour and 16 minutes. He’s touched my stomach, almost brushed against my breasts but he’s remained nice...
Is that the door? God dad is home early.
“I think my father’s here.” Finally, we pull away.
“Buffy are you- oh.” Hello, that’s called knocking. Good thing we’d pulled away, but I was still wiping my mouth away somehow. But that’s probably a good thing, or I guess that whole Faith story really shook him because he actually seems happy that I was lying on a bed with a guy? Though we’re sitting now so he didn’t see us lying. But still, is the world turning upside down.
“Didn’t know you had company. Hello Nate.”
“Evening Sir. I’m sorry about this. We were err,”
“Studying.” I say as I point out the Spanish book still wide opened on the bed.
Daddy nods with a smile.
“I know what it looks like Sir and I hope you don’t think I took advantage of the situation.”
“No, it’s alright. You were... studying, and I guess I should let you finish.”
What the huh?!
“No actually I really should go. My father’s waiting for me to move some furniture out of the living room. We’re putting a new tapestry.”
Daddy nods.
“But I meant to ask you something today Sir. Some guy in my class invited me to his birthday party this Saturday, and I don’t know if Buffy told you, but I’m rather new in town so I don’t have many friends and err, I asked Buffy if she could come with me, but I guess I should ask you.”
Dad looks surprised. Nate is off too good with that stuff.
“Buffy is... sort of grounded for now. Who will be at this party?”
“Some classmates.”
“Only your class?” Damn he’s impossible.
“Other 11th grader I believe but not many. About 10 people, he does this at his house so it’s just a small party. We won’t come back late. I’ll bring her back at whatever time you tell me to, you have my word.” Damn he sounds so honest.
“Well, I’ll have to check with your friend’s parents as to who’s really going to be there if you don’t mind, and... 11 seem ok for you?”
I can’t believe he agreed!
“Perfect sir.” They shake hands. Why do I have the feeling I’m not even in charge of my life there?
I just have to focus on Faith. That’s good news already. I’m not so grounded anymore. Sure I can’t see her at this party but that means next time we can surely work something. If daddy really trusts him then I’m saved.... Except that I don’t know what I’m really gonna do with him...
“That is just SO great, Buffy,” Why do I hear sarcasm in her voice?
“I REALLY hope that you have a tremendous party with Nate.”
“Come on, Faith I’m trying. You missed the point.”
“And what was it?”
“That I can go out. Dad is starting to trust me again.”
“And what exactly did it take to make him accept?”
“Nothing. I mean, I think he likes Nate and he really thinks we’re... together I guess.”
“And how’s that, Buffy?”
“I don’t know, I guess, the way Nate looks at me, you know.”
“Yeah, must be that.”
“Faith, next week, at Logan’s, I might be able to go.”
“With Nate?”
“To see you, Faith. Try to look beyond certain things.”
“I do, Buffy.” She paused, she looks saddened, “I-I’m sorry. I guess I... I really miss you.”
“And I miss you too, more than I can say, more than I can stand it, and that’s why I’m ready to... do anything to be with you again.”
“I know, I mean, yes, I understand.” God how much I wanna kiss her right now.
“Do you have time? I mean, do you think we can?”
She looks around and takes my hand... restrooms, fast.
Oh God her lips, how much I’ve missed them. As soft as he’s tried to be Nate doesn’t even compare a bit to her. Her lips, her kiss are like softness personified... It’s all natural. Besides, Nate kisses me like most guys do, sliding their tongue as deep as they can, grr, I really can’t stand that... much...
But Faith and I... Our kisses are just perfect... I’m holding her so tightly, and so is she.
I really don’t want to let her go, but I know we have to....
“Let me look at you,” she’s so beautiful. God is she crying?
“Faith, Faith please, look at me,”
“I gotta go, Buffy.”
“Please don’t... go.”
I hate that feeling, I lost her again. Why did she seem so sad? We’re gonna be together like before soon. I know I miss her too but.... she has to be strong. A little bit longer....
I’m surprised at how comfortable I am with Nate’s friends. I already knew some of them but... Actually I’m surprisingly comfortable with him, with Nate.
Maybe, maybe it was just... maybe I’m finally back to... God why do I have to always analyze everything like that?
I’m with a boy daddy likes and I feel good, so I shouldn’t torture my mind like that. Why am I even doing this? Oh right, that flame setting my heart on fire every time I think of her.
Well, I wish it would just go away.
I’m doing all this for her and she doesn’t even see... It’s hard for me too and oh-more kissing. I think I’m slowly getting used to his kisses, but I’d still rather much be kissing Faith... Why can’t I forget about her?
I could really fall back on my feet. Like it was before, before the slaying and... these feelings...
Why am I even doing this?
“Are you ok, Buffy?” He caresses my thigh slightly but looks concerned. Yep, times like these I feel like giving up....
But then I feel her skin under my hands, her breath on my face and her lips against mine and I just know that there’s nothing else like that... No one else for me.
“Kiss me.” I need to forget about these thoughts. For now.
“That I can do, beautiful.” Mmm, I think I even start to like his kiss. Not like but, appreciate and oh, oh boy, touching my breast, panic! He’s massaging my breast. Very slowly but still. How can I stop him in a way that won’t get him to hospital? Control, Buffy. Control. Mmm, oh no, no Buffy no, I am NOT liking it. I hate my body. I don’t like it Period.
“Err wait, Nate.”
“Sorry, I got a little caught up, and with you asking me to, sorry anyway.”
“No it’s ok, it’s just, the others are just beside us.”
He nods.
Is he never tired of kissing me? Thank God we're at the door.
“10.52. We’re not late.”
“Yep, daddy will like.”
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
“Err, yes I suppose. I’m still grounded though, supposedly, so you can come here and if my father is in a good mood he might let me out in the free world... one of these days.”
“He doesn’t seem that bad. I’m sure whatever it is, he’s just doing it because he thinks it’s best for you. That’s why I tell myself when mine drives me crazy.”
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“By the way, what is it that you did exactly?”
“Nothing.” I sounded offended, right?
He raises his eyebrows.
“Nothing... I just... I have bad taste in love,” Couldn’t I use a more slutty tone? And why am I sliding my arms around his neck.
“Bad taste huh?” Now this is his teasing tone. Oh my God he pinned me against the wall, gently though. I can feel him, -every part of him- against me.
“Let me change this,” And more kissing. Good, we’re moving away from the wall, I feel a little less of him. Well, just the part of him that was really bothering me so that’s way better.
“Buffy is that-oh, that’s my cue to leave.”
This time he really caught us. Good thing it wasn’t a second earlier what with Nate pressing him explicitly against me.
“Err no sir, I mean,”
“I’m sorry, I thought I heard something. I thought it was Buffy. Didn’t know you’ll be here, together. Right on time as I see. I appreciate that in a person.”
“When I give my word. I’m gonna go now. So, Buffy? Tomorrow?”
“Yes, tomorrow, bye.” He’s leaving, and I did sound ‘impatient’ right? As long as daddy believes it that’s all that matters, and with the scene he just witnessed I’m sure he doesn’t even remember who Faith is?
Do I?
If she’d been there.... If she’d been there.
“How was the birthday party, Buffy?”
“It was nice. But I’m a bit tired I must say.” I don’t really wanna talk right now...
“I like this boy, Buffy. Is he coming tomorrow? Thought I heard you say something like that?”
“Yes, he’s coming here, since I can’t go out.”
“Yes. He comes here and we’ll see about that going out part. I’d like him to stay for dinner tomorrow evening as well. I want to know him better, what with the way he’s looking at you. And he’s older right?”
“Just 17.”
“He seems nice, but you’re still a young girl and I want to make sure his intentions are correct. Apart from that I don’t see any reasons not to let you go out with him, Buffy.”
I hate my father right now. I know I shouldn’t. And I have to force a smile cause that’s what he’s expecting me to do since he’s doing me a favor but I hate him, and I hate myself too...
“Thank you, daddy. I’m going to my room now. Good night.”
“Goodnight Buffy.”
I need to take a shower. I need to pull myself together... Alright shower first.
Water, yes, good...
I don’t understand, everything is working the way I wanted to so... why am I crying right now? Why do I feel so bad about myself...?
