PART 28
I didn't see her today. I think she's avoiding me. Danny was here but she wasn't, so maybe she just wasn't here. I really hope she's not avoiding me. Cause she did bad right? I mean, Nate and I, it's just part of the plan. But she dated Danny before that, right? So she messed up here and this hurts, real bad. I didn't think it could hurt that bad but... I know what she feels so she's probably trying something. She can't be doing this on purpose. I'll stop seeing Nate if she wants... But then... dad.
I don't know what to think anymore, it is too confusing. I haven't been confused that much ever since I found out who I was.
I wish I would just forget about all this. Seize this occasion to be normal again. Why can't I? I was just waiting for something like that, I gotta be honest. And now that it's here I just... If I think of her and me NOT together, for real... If it's really real then I just... I can't breathe anymore.
She must have something in mind....
I don't know what to think anymore, I saw her in the corridor and she winked at me, with that wicked grin, almost like before. And she was looking at me at lunch, glanced at me like we used to do. I'm confused, I'm really confused. I want to believe that it means she was really 'playing' somehow but she's still acting close with Danny. I mean not really in fact, he seems cozy with her but she seems rather detached, so maybe she was like me, thinking she could try? She was bored, and Sarah must have scolded her pretty bad too. Maybe she wanted to prove her something or… I don't know.
We need to talk. I'm sure everything will go back to normal once we've talked. I need to find her alone.
It won't be today. Not in det, nowhere else, couldn't find her.
Not for today either, I saw her but Nate was all over me. I haven't really been tender with him these days so I couldn't avoid this. I was so glad he was busy for lunch because I would have felt so bad if she'd seen him kiss me the way he did during the study hour we had in common. He almost groped me in the classroom. I had to stop him a couple of times.
I'm so bored. It's Thursday. Why do I have so many study hours anyway? I couldn't find her today. God I so don't want to work on anything right now. I miss her like crazy and- oh my God, she's at the door! Hey!! Gesturing to me!!! God I'm so happy. Coming, coming.
“God Faith I've missed you.”
“Missed you too B now come on.”
I guess we're heading to the restrooms, oh no, the closet, way better cause we really need to be alone to talk and oh kissing, God how I've missed that.
“God Faith,"
I can't stop kissing her and touching her face and so does she. God is it possible to have missed someone that much? Hell yes, cause I did. Oh boy, she's unbuttoning my pants. No, no not now.
“Faith? Faith, stop.”
“What?”
She looks surprised.
“You don't want-
“No no, I, God I so want to, but-“
“Then let's party girlfriend.” Oh God kissing me again. She's so eager, God I need her close like that but, “Faith, Faith we have to talk.”
“Come on B. I wanna... touch you.”
“I-I want that too, but... we gotta talk.”
“About what?”
“About what happened? Danny and you and-“
“Forget about Danny, I'm with you right now, right?”
“Yes, but, I need to know.”
“Buffy please,” Oh God touching my breasts, “You know I don't care about him.”
“Then why did you do that?”
“I told you, it passes the time.”
“Do you mean, you're still seeing him?”
“It's nothing Buffy, we see each other at parties and all, it's no big deal.”
“Do you, do you,” I’m scared to ask but it’s driving me crazy, “Do you… sleep with him?”
“Come on, B.” I honestly really can’t read that answer. She sounds like ‘you know me better’, but she doesn’t look that way and I really can’t make the truth out of this.
“I don't understand, Faith.”
“There’s nothing to understand. Come on, I need you.”
God I can't resist anymore, but that's not how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to talk, and it was supposed to make it all better. Oh God, yes.
“I've missed that warmth B.”
Oh my, I've missed her inside of me. I can't help it I'm so wet already. But... I still don't feel better, we still haven't talked. That's not talking that's... just... Now I understand what she felt every time she tried to talk about 'telling people' and I would just kiss her and make love to her to not talk about it.
How could I be like that? God I was so wrong, I know that now.
It's so good. I wish it didn’t feel so good because… my mind doesn’t feel good but the rest… God…
“It's alright, B. Let it go,”
Does she know what I'm thinking? She always knows what I'm thinking. She used to at least, “God, Faith,” Oh my God she's thrusting so fast, I feel so hot. I have to hold myself on her. Damn we should have lied down, I doubt there's enough place though.
“Faith,”
“Yes, come for me, Buffy. I've missed that.”
I'm so close already. Oh God. I have to bite my hand. She kisses my neck. Oh God!! She just added another finger. Oh God Oh God, Faith!!
“God!”
She smiles. She looks proud… but there's something in her gaze that I don't get. There's still that little distance. Something that wasn’t there before. Something I don’t like. Or maybe that's just me.
“How did you like that?”
“A lot.” I need to kiss her.
Ok, need to breath now.
“Faith, I'm still not sure about the whole Danny thing. Why didn't you tell me?”
“There's nothing to tell Buffy. We just hang out sometimes.”
“So you don't, you really don’t... love him… right?”
She laughs, well that should reassure me I guess but then, why is she with him?
“Come on, B. You know I don't... love.”
What does that mean? She loves me. I know she does. Doesn't she?
“You know what I love, B.” She guides my hand to her crotch. I'm dying to touch her. She doesn't love him. It's just something; it's not like me and her. I know it's not. And when she's reassured about us she won't need to 'pass time'.
I just hope she doesn't pass 'too much time' with him until that.
“Don't worry about anything, Buffy. Just be with me now. It'll be fine.”
Yes it will be. We're together, we'll stay together. We won't mess up and we'll be fine. She said it. That's just what I needed to hear.
“Oh mmm Buffy.”
She's so wet. Yes she loves, she needs me. She can't be with anyone else. She wouldn't lie to me, I know that. It's gonna be alright.
I knew I shouldn't have panicked. She went to search for me and she reassured me. I know it was hard for her too. I'll just be more careful when I'm with Nate that she's not around then. But I think she understood right?
We're in my room now. Nate and I of course. I don't know if Faith will ever come here again. It makes me sad to think about it. But maybe one day. I don't know. I don't think ahead of the next day now because otherwise I have this bitter feeling that I won't like my thoughts. I don't want to think. And I think that serves Nate cause I'm so not stopping him, too caught up into not thinking about anything. We're lying on my bed and I can feel his leg on my knee. I told him my dad was coming back early which I really don't know in fact, but it's enough to keep him from doing too much I guess. Oh my God! I had to remove his hand.
“It's alright, Buffy.”
It was like a reflex, it felt like he was going to touch me there. No way he's going there.
“Relax,” He kisses my neck again. Damn hand! I want to trust that he won't but I'm sure he will. Ok we're fully clothes, but still. I can't let him touch me. That would be too much.
I'm hers and she's mine. She's the only one that can touch me like that. I know that. How could I ever let him do that after being with her only a few hours ago? No one could.
Oh my God he massages my breasts again. That another thing I can't let him do. I know I already did the other day but, no more. I owe that to her.
“What’s wrong, Buffy?”
“Nothing, I just... My dad will be here soon.”
“He’s not here right now. Just relax, you're really tensed. It's ok,” Oh God, breasts again, “You're not a baby anymore, Buffy. You're so beautiful, and sexy, mmm.”
Is he trying to 'buy' me here? Because after this afternoon with Faith; it's not gonna work. I love her too much.
But the thing is, I can't really stop it right now. Dad really believes I'm dating him. Well I kinda am but... Ok, I'll let him touch my breast, over my top of course, since he already did it once, but that's all.
I can't wait to NOT have to do that again. But when will that be?
I can't pretend all my life... Stop Buffy, no thoughts on tomorrows, remember?
“See, ain't that good?”
Well, it kinda is, but just for my body, not for me. “Yes, it is.” What else can I tell him?
“Do you think your father would let you go at Logan's party on Friday?”
“What?!”
“They didn't tell you? His parents are out of town once again so you know him, party time!”
“Who told you this?”
“Well, they were talking about it, Max and Chloe. He told them all last Monday.”
Monday? But she didn't tell me, and I saw her today? Alright, she probably didn't know. But she's in their class and they were at lunch together, how could she not know? She probably forgot. It must be that.
“So I'm thinking since you were sick last week and you were home real early your father will probably agree, don't you think?”
“I don't know, maybe, probably. Do you know who's gonna be there?”
“Well, the usual I guess. His parties are really cool... and you know, there are rooms upstairs... if we need some time alone...”
What do I say now?
Nothing, I just smile at him and he's back to kissing me and ... touching me.
I don't care, whatever he has in mind, I won't sleep with him. I can't and I know I won't. I'll handle him. Say I'm tired or something. I just need to go to... be sure.
She probably won't be there because she probably stays with her Aunt to be nice with her or something, and that's probably why she didn't mention it.
I'm sure it's something like that. And I’ll be reassured then.
There we are. She doesn't seem to be here so far. I went to take the drinks to check around but I haven't seen her, and Max told me she was one of the first one here and she hasn't seen her. Good. But Danny's not here either. Anyway, Goddammit what's this drink, it's not coke! I just can't stop coughing now. Slight coke taste though, very slight.
Nate's laughing, “How do you like it?”
“What is it? I asked him for a coke.”
“It is coke. Whiskey-coke.” He keeps laughing.
“So not funny. I'm gonna change it.”
He holds me back, nicely though, oh, pulling me to him now and hop, I'm on his lap.
“Come on, try just this one ok? You're sixteen, Buffy.”
Not yet. Alright, “Fine, but just for this one.”
“Good.” And now he's kissing me again. I shouldn't have let him choose the spot we're in cause we're in the back, in the half dark. I can't see the door that much. The only thing I clearly see is, Randy, that guy I really hate. College guy, he used to hit on Faith all the time during the parties. I think he's Logan's cousin or something. He's all spread out on the couch. I can't believe Max slept with that guy. Yeah, it went all over the school, this one time they were so drunk they 'fucked' on the couch in front of everyone. I hate that word but that's the one used to describe it, and I really believe it's 'what they did'. And then they were over. I mean they hadn't begun in fact. I really don't understand that. I could never just 'fuck' someone like that....
Anyway, damn Nate's really pressing now. It's the third time in ten minutes that I have to keep his hand away from under my top. I know he's gonna go to my bra... I can't let him do that. Just a little longer and I’ll tell him I'm not feeling well and that he should stay and have fun and I'll see him tomorrow. It should do.
Oh hey, here she comes. She's... with Danny... They arrived hand in hand. They parted though and he's talking to Bren.
“Hey Faithy, remember my cramp... I'm still waiting for you to help with that. A promise is a promise.”
I hate that Randy. Who does he think he is? She will never hey! What is she doing? She bent to the couch from behind it.
“Everything in time...”
My God I'm gonna be sick, she just touched him, like REALLY. She pressed on his crotch and the bastard smiled. What the Hell does she think she's doing there?! I mean she was doing; it was short but... I don't like the way she looked at him, and that tone she used? And God does she even care that Danny was just beside her?!
Maybe she really doesn't care about him. But I don't think I like that solution either.
Maybe she's just trying to get her rep back in full force. I don't know. She's acting too weird I don't get it. I have a headache now.
“What's wrong?”
“Nothing. I'm alright.” Kissing me again. Why not? Nothing's right anyway.
