PART 29
We've been kissing with Nate for a good 15 minutes but I still can't shake that feeling inside. Bad, bad feeling. I feel like she's not...
I think we need to talk for real. I think she needs to stop that act. I hate that act. And now I wonder what her non-response to THE question about Danny and her meant. She can't have done it, can she?
I wonder where they are. I think I should get up and go find her and confront her. Alright I can't do that, I know.
Well I gotta go to the restroom anyway, and Nate is becoming really pressing so that'll give me some air.
“I'm going to the restroom.”
“Alright, hurry.” He gives me that lustful gaze again. I'm gonna be sick, but mostly cause of that whiskey coke drink I think. I shouldn’t have finished it like that. See what she makes me do?
Alright, let's go. Danny's in a corner talking with Bren and Veronica. No Faith. She's probably in the kitchen, drinking or something. I hate to think about that.
Ah, finally upstairs, my legs feel heavy. Why did they put the restrooms at the end of the corridor? I feel really tired. I'm tired of thinking so much.
Yerk, Randy's just going out of the restroom; damn couldn't he just get dressed inside instead of zipping his pants in front of me with that smile I want to make him choke on. This guy disgusts me, anyway, I-oh, restroom door opening again. Guess he wasn't alone in th-.
“Oh. B. Buffy, err,”
What's happening to me? I feel like I have no arms, no legs, no body in fact. I feel like I'm dying on the floor right now. Why? What did she do? What was she doing in there? Why does she look that embarrassed? Why is she not explaining it's not what I think? Why am I not dead already? It hurts too much to bear it.
“I didn't know you were coming tonight.”
I can't even talk.
She looks away. “Are you with Nate?” Her tone is so casual.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Stop lying to me! Did you... did you sleep with that guy?”
“I wouldn't call that ‘sleeping’ with him.”
How can she be like that, “How can you? How could you do that?”
“Don't take it like that, ok?”
“How do you want me to take it, Faith?”
“We fucked, it doesn't mean anything else.”
“It means you lied to me. And I guess you've been sleeping with Danny too and who else? More lies.”
“Yeah, let's talk about lies.”
“I never lied to you. I mean, Nate and I, I've always told you what it was for. It was for us.”
“It's bullshit Buffy and you know it. Besides, I'm not talking about him. I’m talking about you pretending when you were NEVER gonna tell your father, never gonna tell anyone about us!”
“Yes I was.”
“Who's lying now?”
“So, is this what it's all about? This is why you're doing this? To punish me?”
“Please, I'm over it. I'm just doing whatever I want and you have nothing to tell me about it.”
“How can you...” God how did I let things go that way?
“Come on, Buffy. Isn't that what you wanted? We can go to that room over there and fuck and no one will know. And you don't owe me anything. Isn't that how you prefer it?”
“Stop being like that! And stop using that word; we never fucked, we made love because we love each other.”
“Now you say it?”
“Is that what you want to hear? Then I-“
“Shut up!”
Why does she look so hurt? Did I hurt her like that? Why is this happening?
“I told you Buffy, I don't love.”
“This can't be happening. I can't believe you're doing this to me, Faith.” She looks away. Is she hurt? Does she regret it?
“I trusted you, Faith.”
“Not enough apparently.”
“What now? What did I do wrong again?”
“You lied to me about yourself from the beginning.”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“You think I'm stupid? You think I don't know you're special? Well, gotta admit you've always been special to me, from the beginning but,” she sounds so bitter, “but beyond that, you are different. I thought one day you would tell me but no, never. You lied and you hid when I told you EVERYTHING Buffy. Things I never told anyone. I've told you and showed you everything but you didn't care enough I guess to do the same with me.”
“No. No, Faith it's not that. Please,”
“It doesn't matter now. It's ok, I'm ok. But don't go telling me what to do. I don't owe you anything.”
“Don't go, please.”
Please don't go. God what did I do? What did she do? Why did she go? I wanna die...
I need to go, I need to run away from here I need-
“Buffy? Buffy what's wrong? Did somebody hurt you?”
“No, no let me go. I just wanna go home.”
“No, Buffy, you need to calm down, come here with me.”
“No don't want to go there I-“ I can't talk; I'm choking in my tears. I didn't even realize I was crying. I don't want to go in that room with him.
“It's ok Buffy, calm down.”
He's holding me now. God I wish it was her. Rocking me like he does, holding me tight. I don't want to feel that pain. Please help me not feel that pain.
I lost her, God!
“Buffy, my God what's happening? I've never seen you like that.” He sounds really concerned, “wow I think you should better sit.”
Yes, I know I’m not standing straight, that frickin’ drink, and all of this, messed with my head and my body. Not that he’s standing much better than me, he had way more drinks and he smells of alcohol strongly.
“What's wrong, please tell me.” He kisses me on the forehead, and on my nose.
“Nothing, nothing. Just hold me, please.”
“Of course, Buffy.”
Please hold me, make it all better. I don't want to let him go. I know I don't want him but I feel like I have nothing left and if I let him go I'm gonna fall in this huge hole that is what's left of me.
“Please kiss me.”
He willingly does, he always willingly does, but he's still very tender.
Kissing me some more. I think we're falling on the bed, I don't care, nothing matters anymore.
I know his hands are roaming on my body but I can't feel them. I can't feel anything. I think that's what she did; she took my heart, my feelings and torn them apart from me and now I just don’t feel... Anything.
He's lifting my long skirt, I know he is. I hear his breathing increase in my neck and he's partly on top of me.
I wanna die. I can't... I will never be able to live without...
God what am I doing?! I can't do that, I can't be that weak. I can't let her bring me to that. Or, I can't use her as an excuse to do that! I'm not like that. I'm not like her.
I gotta stop this. I don't want him.
“It's ok, Buffy. Just relax and let me do it. You know I would never hurt you.”
I do that so well myself, don't need anybody else. His pants is already unbuttoned, he's completely on top of me. Almost reaching my panties, “No stop.”
“It's ok.”
“No, it's not ok!”
“Oi, Buffy, why did you do that?!”
“Nothing's ok!”
I know he’s on the ground. He doesn’t understand. I gotta run away from here.
“Buffy?! Buffy?!”
I leave him behind and this freak show. All of this. Behind. This is over.
“Buffy? Buffy what's wrong? What happened?!”
“Leave me alone dad please.”
I slammed the door again. God I hope he won't come in yelling.
I just slump on my bed. This time I really think I'm gonna cry till I die.
Dad doesn't come. I guess I really sounded like 'to be left alone'.
Is it what I've been doing these last months; pushing away the best thing that's ever happened to me?
Did I just do that? Losing her.
Is it all my fault like she puts it? Did I ask her to go 'screw around' with these boys she doesn't love? How can she tell me it's my fault...? I hate her, I hate her!!! She couldn't do that to me. She doesn't have the right; I love her. She should know.
“Buffy?”
“Yes.”
“I made you hot cocoa.”
What? What time is it? Oh, it's ten am. I didn't even see the sun rise though I haven't slept. I just lied there. I think my tears are dry, why am I still alive then? What's the point?
“Buffy?”
Oh I forgot about him. I forgot my dad? It really feels like I'm not here anymore.
He sits beside me on the bed and put the mug on my bedside table.
He caresses my head; I must say it's soothing. Please, need more of that. I wish he could make it all better but I can't even tell him. It's his fault, how could he possibly make it all better?
I know, I know, it's MY fault for letting it be HIS fault....
I can't change that. I know she's right, I can't tell him. I could never face him with that...
“How are you feeling?”
Like my guts are spread on the floor.
“Nate called.”
And now you're gonna jump on them to smash them some more.
“He's worried.” I wonder what he told him.
“He told me something happened and you were crying and almost dreading. And then you ran away.”
He left some parts out I see, but really, it’s for the best.
“He also said that whatever it is he did wrong; he didn't mean it. He's sorry. He really sounded sorry, and concerned. What happened, Buffy?”
“Nothing.”
“Nate seemed really unaware of what put you in that state, so my guess is, once again, it's not about him.”
“Please daddy, don't start, please, I can't-“
“Sssh,” He keeps caressing my hair and my face. How come he's not looking at me with his 'almost disgusted at that thought’ gaze? He still looks concerned and he's still tender,
“I know I've made things hard for you lately. Maybe I over reacted on some things. But you're my little girl; I don't want to see you like that. Everything I've done was for you, even if you don't see that now. I was always concerned and worried. I always tried to protect you from being hurt like that.”
“I know.” Strangely I know he's sincere. I know he wanted, he thought he was doing what was best, and maybe he was right. Maybe I was getting into trouble. Stolen cars, skipping classes, running away, staying out all night. I guess, maybe I would have done the same thing if I had a daughter. Maybe he was right and I was wrong and that's why I hurt so much now...
But how come every time our eyes met, every time our skin touched it felt like merging? Every time I was with her it felt like it was the only place to be?
I don't know. I don't know anymore... I'm crying again now.
“Buffy, please tell me, I hate to see you like that.”
I can’t. I just can't...
He gets up.
“I'll let you rest. I'll be just outside if you need me.”
“Thank you.”
He smiles; he is worried. I really did everything wrong, didn't I?
How can I make it all better?
Can I even make it better now?
And... What IS better? I'm not even sure anymore...
