PART 6
I’m feeling ill at ease right now. He’s walking me home, up to the corridor even. He’s been so nice with me all the while. He hasn’t even tried to feel me up during the movie though I know he wanted to. He was looking at me, often, at my cleavage, not that there’s much showing but anyway, he didn’t try anything and that’s a plus point for the boy, right? So how come I don’t feel comfortable?
“Are you alright, Buffy?”
“Yes”
“You just seem... so quiet suddenly.”
I know that, but honestly, I don’t know what to tell him.
“I’m a little tired I think.”
“I guess that means you’re not inviting me in, right?”
His tone is playful though. Good, cause I’m really not inviting him in.
“My dad is probably in,” Damn, I’m such a liar there, “You wouldn’t have a good time.” Thank God I’m finally at my door.
“I understand, maybe we can stay a little outside then. I would like to talk a little with you now cause with the movie, we didn’t get much talking done.”
“Yes we did, on the way there, and here, we talked all the time from the theatre to Central Park.”
He’s got the look of someone who’s gonna say something that I’m not gonna like. Come on, spill it out.
“Yes we did talk, indeed, a lot about Faith, very little about me and not a slightest about you. You always diverted the conversation or ask another Faith-oriented question. I’d like to know more about you, Buffy.”
He’s got a point. But... I don’t want to talk.
“I know. I’m sorry, Danny. I’m not really into it tonight.”
“It’s ok I understand. I had a nice time anyway. I hope we’ll do that again.”
I nod at him. This guy is really nice. He’s oh-, he’s moving closer, can’t avoid that one. Kissing me. There is this handsome brunette guy kissing me and I just want to be home, alone, right now. Oh no, tongue attempt, can’t do that.
“What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to push you that hard... look Danny, I, I can’t do that. You’re too nice for that. The truth is, I like you, but I don’t wanna date right now. I just arrived and... I have too much on my mind. I’d rather stay friends, at least for now. I’m really sorry.”
At least he always remains calm, I like that in someone, most guys would have, well, yelled at me or dissed me. He looks disappointed though.
“I thought we had a connection, I was wrong I guess.”
“I told you I like you but-“
“It’s ok I’m a big boy, Buffy. I thought she was hard to get, but I guess you’re even harder. Maybe that’s why you’re so focused on her. I get why you’re friends... We could have been great, Buffy. Anyway, if you change your mind... But I won’t be waiting, better warn you.”
“I understand. Again, I’m really sorry Danny.”
“Not more than I am.”
And there goes away my cutie. So now I don’t have any potential best friend or boyfriend.
This town sucks!
Ok, walking in. I don’t understand why I did that. Why I felt that. I never told any guy no before, even more when they were cuties like that. I never thought about... feelings. I understand now I never felt any. I started to understand there was something more with Pike, but since I’ve been here it’s like there are so many feelings rushing to me and it is hard to sort them out but... I can’t be the one I was before. That’s all I wanted but I’m starting to understand I can’t... What am I now then?
I must really look like a freak or a bum maybe, with the way they’re looking at me. I don’t want to be here, not my fault I’m dragging my feet. I’m walking like a snail. I’m tired of this school. I saw her at lunch, with her so-called friends. Danny wasn’t with them; he was with other friends of his. I feel bad for him, bad for her and bad for ME! I don’t have anybody now. I saw her glancing at me though but I guess I can’t hope anymore. I was alone; she didn’t come talk to me. I guess this is over. Our friendship, or rather the beginning of it. And that simple thought is enough to make me skip town and go back to L.A. I don’t understand why it matters so much that she talks to me. Why she matters so much.
Anyway, it’s the weekend, heading out of jail right now. Well, room 220 on my left. That’s where we talked for the first time. I can see Damian at the desk from here. Guess some aren’t on weekend yet. I don’t know why, it’s stupid to me to expect her to be in but I do. I’m watching and bingo! She's in! Ok, what do I do now? That’s my chance to talk to her alone. Well, there are people inside. But what if I waited outside? Come on, she made it clear she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. No, she didn’t... Nothing is clear, what she did, what she feels, what I feel. And, sorry but, I need things to be clear. Besides, all of them have given up too fast, maybe she’s testing me or... maybe I’m getting my hopes up but... I’m gonna wait anyway.
Let’s just see what she’s doing right now. Wow, she looks pretty serious, writing. Very, very focused. I like the idea that maybe, possibly, I had a good influence on her since she’s doing her homework. Again with the positive thinking, there you go Buffy. I already feel better... I think it’s just seeing her... How come I feel better just watching her by the window? It’s like it tears me apart to think that she’s gonna throw me away or yell at me once she’s outside. Why does she make me feel that way? It’s... I shouldn’t be so concerned... But I am. Ooo Damian saw me. Ok, better step back and do my homework in the classroom next door; that will make the time goes by faster.
The bell rings. Hurry Buffy, I have to catch her before she rushes out. Hey that’s her, she’s not rushing out curiously. She seems... daydreaming, or, well, wondering. Ok, breath Buffy, I’m behind her.
“Faith?”
She turns around and I can tell she’s surprised.
“Buffy?”
She’s not yelling or running, that’s a good thing. She looks next door, at the room I’m coming from. I smile, “Yes, I was there. Look I don’t mean to stalk you but I was waiting for you to get out of detention class. I needed to talk to you, Faith.”
“I know I...”
She looks embarrassed, even sad.
“I’m sorry.”
Does that mean you still wanna be friend? Ok, why am I not asking HER that? Because it’s dumb of course. I don’t know what to say. “It’s ok, I mean. I was worried.”
She’s staring at me, so intensely. She pulls out some sheets of paper from her books now, hey! She hands them to me, wow, her hand is slightly shaking. I take it nicely without a word.
“This is for you, obviously. I wrote it in det... I gotta go now.” And now she’s avoiding my gaze, I wonder what’s in this letter...
“Ok, see you.” She has already turned around anyway. She wrote a lot. Let’s get home and read it quietly. I think that must be something.
I think I never made it home that fast. Alright, let’s start now. So what’s the what?
##Dear Buffy, ok I wrote only two words and I already feel lame. Anyway, you know I’m not really good with words; I’m much more of a talker than a thinker you know that. But there are some things I can hardly say out loud. I just can’t. Never did, to anyone. I’m sorry for freaking out and I’m sorry for the way I acted this week. Honestly Buffy I thought I would shut you out. I thought that’s what I wanted cause we were getting closer and there are things I thought I would never wanna tell, but the thing is... I felt, I feel already too close to you. It kind of freaks me out you know. It’s like I can’t hide from you and mostly, I don’t want to. I needed to think things through though. But I very fast realized I cared about you too much already to do that; shut you out. I mean, I don’t know about you and I would totally understand if you didn’t wanna talk to me anymore after the way I treated you but anyway, I have something to tell you. I feel like I owe you an explanation and, selfishly, I need to say it. It’s like, with you, it’s eating me up inside cause it wants to go out. With everyone it’s been easy. Never felt close enough, that is, exposed enough to have this burden go out but with you... I need to tell you and I hope you won’t be mad at me for sharing this.
See, the thing with my mom, we argued very hard about that guy. She was mad at me cause she felt he left cause of me. She thought I’d done something, and I was mad at her cause... I told her something about him, and she didn’t believe me. She said I was a slut, a worthless slut... Here comes the part that I never told anyone, well, except for my mom but, like I said she didn’t believe me so I guess that doesn’t count, does it? Anyway, one evening after school I came home, she was passed out on the couch and he was watching TV, drinking. I went to my room like I always did and a couple of minutes later he came in... I can’t say too much about that but I think you already understood what happened next. I don’t know if he had planned this or anything, I think he was too drunk for that, but the result is the same. He said he was sorry when he was finished. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t move, I was like paralyzed. He told me not to tell anyone, that it would break my mother’s heart or such. He was acting so nice and talking so nice suddenly, it was such a contrast after having been so hard with me and hurtful. He was freaking out I guess, afraid that I’d called the police or such. He didn’t know that I was like… falling to pieces inside. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything like that; I wasn’t even able to process such thoughts at that moment. He told me he would leave and I wouldn’t see him again. And I never did.
It took me the whole night to move away from my bed, go to the bathroom and stay there for a while. I tried to think straight after that, it was the early morning. Mom was in my room when I came back, she’d found his watch on my bed. I kind of tore it apart when I was... struggling. The sheets were all wrapped. She immediately started to insult me and called me names. I broke down crying and told her what happened and she insulted me even more and that was it. She didn’t talk to me and she tried to call him all the time, and since he wasn’t replying she was even more convinced that I’d slept with him and then made him go. My luck, who would have guessed she really cared about that one? She got drunk 24/7 for the rest of the week and I ended up at the hospital and that was it. Sarah took charge of me there.
Now you know, please tear this paper apart and throw it away now. I just thought you should know, now you do whatever you want with this information but I trust you to, never, please Buffy, NEVER tell anyone about this, please. You’re the only one who knows and I never want anyone else to know. You don’t have to tell me anything and I would understand if you never want to talk to me again. Just know that, I thank you for being honest and so nice to me. You made me feel good Buffy. Like I had not felt in a long time. Wow, I’m not used to writing this much; my hand hurts, do you believe that? I guess I’m gonna stop now. I hope you’ll understand. I’m not sure what is to understand but... I hope you will anyway.
Thanks for everything, Buffy.
Bye, Faith ##
I can’t process any thoughts right now. I-I. I need to see her. It’s... I need her, I mean, yes, I need to see her.... Cell phone, fast.
“Hey. Yes it’s me. No, I’m fine,” She’s the one asking now with that. “Are you home? Really? Do you mind if... I need to see you, Faith. Can I see you today, now in fact. Yes, well, just don’t move then. I’ll be in the park, yeah, near the rock just like last time in a couple of minutes. Ok thanks.”
She’s sitting against the big rock. I’m approaching her. She looks, that’s a shame but she looks ashamed. She avoids my gaze. Like she did something wrong. I squat in front of her and she looks at me now. She’s holding back some tears I can tell.
“Stop being strong, Faith. You can cry.”
She shakes her head.
“I don’t wanna cry. I don’t wanna feel that way.”
“Faith?”
“Yes.” She's really struggling to hold back her tears.
“I read your letter and there’s just one thing I needed to do, that’s why I called you, would you let me do it?”
She frowns, I know she doesn’t understand, “Would you let me hold you?”
She can’t hold the tears anymore and I hold her; she can cry now.
It’s been a while and we’re still sitting against the rock, her head on my shoulder and I’m slightly twisting her hair.
“I wanna tell you something too. Ever since I’ve met you I’ve felt something special for you. And I did, too, feel that closeness and it freaked me out too so you’re not alone. Something else I felt, it’s good, and like you I hadn’t felt that in a very long time.” She smiles, she’s still looking ahead, to the people passing by. I like when she smiles. It’s getting late, I don’t really want to let her go, I wanna be sure she’s ok, hey, that gives me an idea.
“Faith?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to spend the weekend at my place?”
She sits up, looking thoughtful, “You think we can?”
“It’s the weekend, it’s just a sleepover after all, you can tell your aunt it’s with me and you’re coming home Sunday evening. You think she will mind?”
“Well, no, I don’t think so, I spoke about you, told her you helped me with my homework and that you were cool. I mean that’s what I said so I guess, if your dad calls her to tell her I’m really there, but talking about that, do you think your father will agree?"
“I’m sure he will be glad I’m making good friends here. So, do you want to?” Please say yes, yes, yes, yes.
“I’d really love too, don’t really want to go away from you, I mean, to be alone right now. But, what do I have to bring? Food maybe, or what exactly?”
“Just your pajama and toothbrush and I’ll take care of the rest. Come on, you’ve already had a sleepover right?” And I’m guessing no by the look on her face.
“Told you B. I don’t have friends, not real friends to do these kinds of things.”
“Well you do now. And I promise you I’m gonna be the best friend I can for you.”
She smiles, oh, now she looks grave as we get up.
“Wait Buffy, just one thing.”
“Yes?” Did I sound panicky, cause I’m not really. Who am I fooling?! Why does she look so serious, I hope she’s not backing away?
“I just. I told you because I trust you, but I don’t really want to talk about it, and mostly you have to promise me you won’t start discussion on how I should go to the police and all. I don’t want to and I don’t want to argue on that.”
“I understand. And I didn’t intend on doing that. The only thing I care about is making you feel better, knowing you’re alright. And this is all I’m concerned about.”
She smiles. We understand each other.
“Let’s go get your things.”
“Ok.”
She’s been rather silent for now, but it’s ok though, cause she looks, well, quieter than earlier. And she’s the one who took my hand. It’s the second time we’re walking hand in hand and it’s weird how it feels like I can only feel this hand in mine. I mean, we’re walking, there are lots of people around, my feet are hitting the ground and yet the only thing I think and feel is her hand in mine. I like that feeling.
The area doesn’t seem as seedy as my father said when I first arrived here. Oh, here,
“Is it there?”
“Yes, it’s on the second floor.”
“You’re sure it won’t bother your Aunt, I can wait for you here.”
“Actually, she’d much rather see you I think. She’s more careful than my mother was, you know. She likes to know who I’m with. She worries for me.” She says that like it is so unusual, I really can not let her down, show her that people care for her, I care for her.
“She’ll be reassured when she sees you though. You’re not like my average friends B.”
Is it a good thing or? I guess it is. She smiles.
“Thank you.”
“Did I say it was a good thing?” Now she’s messing with me. God I love that smile, she looks… Ok, I won’t say what I was about to say cause it’s too disturbing. NYC ’s sky huh? Definitely something different in the air…
“Sarah? Aunt Sarah? I’m back.”
“You’re there, Faith? I was expecting you later and oh- hi” I like her hair, it’s fun, I mean purple locks, it’s cool. She looks nice.
“Not very tall, thin silhouette, beautiful green eyes, a cunning look and charming smile. You must be Buffy, right?”
Wow, is that how she described me? Ok, and by the way she’s NOT looking at me now, I guess it is. Wow, it’s like I can feel this huge smile inside of me. Why? I can’t help it, and ok, I know I’m smiling, hugely, on the outside too. I should feel embarrassed, just like she does now. Anyway,
“Err, yes Miss Rohm.”
“Call me Sarah. I’m glad to finally meet you. Do you wanna stay for dinner with us?”
“Actually Sarah, Buffy kind of, well, she invited me to spend the weekend at her place. I just came to ask you if it was ok and take a few things. So, is it?”
Wow, she sounds really eager. God her Aunt needs to say yes, please, please.
“Well, is your father alright with this, Buffy?”
Err, “Yes, of course, he is, yes.” Stop babbling Buffy. It’s always like that when I’m lying, but that’s just because I know he will say yes. Probably.
“Then, I don’t see any reasons not to let you go and have fun with your friend.”
Huge smile back here full force… Hey, she does that huge smile thing too. I think we’re gonna have a great weekend. I’m glad she can stay with me, mostly now.
