PART 16

The letter was dated 2 months after the first one Buffy wrote her. Faith took a deep breath.

~~I'm feeling blue. I know it's weird, I'm always peppy and we have fun with the guys. I heard mom on the phone last night, she was talking to dad and talking about me and that I seemed to be really good. I know he didn't tell her anything about why I broke down like that in New York, not that he really knew anyway, but she was aware, and she told him that I looked really fine and somehow... I feel fine.

I have fun with Will and Xander and I feel like, sometimes I feel like in Emery before the calling. Probably the Western atmosphere doing this but here am I... writing to you...

Because every time I'm alone, or even sometimes in class I just... go away.... I go back there. I go back to you, and then I know that I'm not that fine... That I'm still.... I'm sad. I think of you and I miss you and I don't understand what I'm doing here or how it all ended with me here and you... there...

How it all ended like that... How it ended...

But, I get over it. I'm fine here. This is a town for me I guess. I know it fits me more than New York anyway. The only thing I loved in New York was.....

Now it's over.

I'm here and probably soon I'll be totally alright.... I guess it takes time...~~

Faith folded the letter and put it back into the envelope then took the next one.

~~I must have done such horrible things in a past life to have this one suck like that.

Is it just MY life that's complicated or is it simply what growing up is? Cause frankly, growing up sucks if that's what it is.

Remember when things were easy and innocent, just roller blading in the park... Sneaking into the theatre between classes.

I know it's not right to do that but every time something goes wrong I can't help but going back to these memories. I know I shouldn't do that cause that time in history is done, is past, is over and now there's only complications aplenty.

I would've thought after you, my heart would have had enough. It would have been sealed and never beat again. But it still does. Sometimes, lots of times I wish it didn't...

I can't explain, to no one, how I feel. How I felt tonight at the bronze, pointing my arrow at him, and then, standing there in front of him, offering my neck. I don't want to go into details; I already did that in my diary. Yes I do have a diary. Why do I write letters then? I write everything in my diary, the slaying, the crushes like Owen, my friends, my mom, everything that's my life, everything... but you. I write in my diary like I'm writing to someone, maybe talking to God. And I believe the way I write is maybe, unconsciously meant to be read. Sometimes you write 'secrets' just in the hope someone will read it. So I write what's my life here. But not you. I haven't sent the first letter and now I know I won't send it. These letters, I write them to you, not to God, not to anyone but you. But they're not meant to be read by you. I didn't know I would do that but I still think of you too much to keep it inside. So I think I write to you. I write maybe in the hope that the ink will take the feelings away... But so far it's just the words on a paper; the feelings are still here, in me....

I think of you. I have feelings for him, I know I do and it makes me think of you even more. Everything is so obviously showing me that I should stay as far away from any involvements with him, but there's this thing inside of me that's drawn to him somehow. And the feelings.... They're very different, and far from being what you and I shared but they're here. And I keep thinking... what if I could feel that again?

Or, what if I close myself and never feel that again? Wouldn't that be a horrible life to lead?

I'm confused... And you never go away on top of that... I know it's only been a few months. I try so hard to block everything from New York. When I think of it, everything we've done. Everything I've felt. It seems so huge. Sometimes I feel like I dreamt all of this cause I don't know how it's possible to be overwhelmed by someone like that. To love like that.~~

Faith slightly exhaled as she tried to hold back these emotions. She unfolded the next letter...

~~Today I died.

I don't think I could ever explained to anyone how it felt. We actually went partying after that, can you believe this? I have to say I was dressed for the occasion but still.

Anyway, I just blocked it; what I was feeling. We'd won and they were all so happy but I felt, I felt drowned, I felt like I kept falling. I had to fight hard the urge to run away from the party later that night and here I am.

I died, for one minute I died and I'm here writing to you because... when Xander brought me back with CPR.... your face is the first image that formed into my mind. You, New York, roller blading. For a short instant I didn't know who I was, neither my name, being the slayer, being in a sewer, being in Sunnydale. Nothing. All this was blank and all I saw and felt was you and.... it felt good, it felt warm, it felt safe.... I woke up at that moment and realised.

And I was back and I did what I had to do. Killed the bad guy without an once of hesitation, without fear, without heart.

And I went by as if nothing was wrong but now I feel like it is. I don't feel like seeing my friends again; not now. I don't know, I don't wanna talk to anyone. I know I'm here talking to you but you are always something different. I just want to run away right now. You're the only thought that keeps me from panicking, I don't know why...

I've tried to force myself to forget about you, not write, not think but today.... I died and... I need you.

It helps me to write it. I'll probably feel better now....

Or so I'll pretend...~~

Faith swallowed. She tried hard to block the thought of Buffy dying. If she'd been here... Faith shook her head. No need for such thoughts. She was going to be strong now.

The next letter was dated from January, the next year.

~~It's been a while. I thought I was almost 'cured'. I know it's not really what it is writing to you and all, but I tried to see it like that, pretend I was sick and I have to cure myself from thinking about you and feeling so much for you. I know it's not a sickness and I don't think about it so much in the 'it was wrong' kinda way. I just don't think about it much now. Or I think I don't. I must say it feels good not to. And I think most of it comes from the time I spend with Angel.

We're spending more and more time together. It’s going well... I love kissing him. I know it sounds weird but you were the first person I’d ever loved to kiss. Anyone else I’ve kissed I didn't like. I had to hide it though. I thought it was normal, that it was how it was supposed to feel then you and I... and God I felt the difference.

Well, with Angel it's a little like that. It's different but it's like that. I guess it really had to do with feelings then.

Yes, I have feelings for him. Big, strong, crushing feelings and so does he. I know it sounds weird and I know I wouldn't be talking to you about this if you were here for real, but I felt like writing it to you even if God knows you'll never read this. It would kill me if you did.

And I’m supposed to be all –free-from-Faithy-feelings-like- and here I am, still writing to you. If you knew the hold you have on me I'd just die. You'd never believe it anyway.

So, Angel, yes, I think I'm getting scared. We're becoming really close now and.... I think I'm kinda scared and the others... Well, Willow's interested in our relationship but they don't.... It's like I can’t tell them I feel scared. I mean, every time I even just show a slight doubt they look surprised. Not surprised but I'd say, I don't know, I'm the slayer and they expect me to be... invulnerable. Maybe not invulnerable but at least, not scared about a couple heavy kisses...

I don't know.... Maybe it's just me....

I guess it IS just me. Maybe I can't stand to show I'm not invulnerable. I’m not that confident.~~

Faith sighed. She turned the page to a new entry dated later that month.

~~There's gonna be no double entry today cause I could never write this in my diary cause this.... I can’t let anyone read.... And anyway once again it brought me back to you and I don’t think I'll ever want to discuss this with any of the guys.

It happened. Angel and I we.... did it.

I'm still very confused as to how it came to this but it had been floating around us for a while already.

I haven't seen him this morning when I woke up and it kind of hurt not to. So we haven't talked about it yet though I must say I'm not sure you can actually 'talk' about this. We were chased, things were crazy last night and we ended up at his place and...

I guess he went and tried to fight the judge this morning which isn't to reassure me, and I feel bad cause I should be worried about that. And, ok I am, but I can't help thinking about last night, the ‘his place' part of last night.

It was.... He was so sweet. I only was very anxious because you and I it.... even with the hesitations I admit it felt natural.... It felt easy...

With him it was... And he's a man, he's got so much experiences. I was really scared but he's been really gentle.

It didn't hurt. He made sure I was ready for him and like I said; gentle. Maybe too gentle.

I don't know, it.... Something was wrong... I kept thinking about you.

I know it's totally different but I thought about you.

I mean we kissed and 'did the thing', I was mostly following his move though. I liked it because I love him but I felt like something was missing.

I didn't feel what you and I used to share during our nights together.

I know I shouldn't compare but I guess it's human nature to do so. I'm really in love with him but I guess the point of these letters is to write everything I could never even admit to myself...

So, to tell the truth, I didn't take that much pleasure. I mean I did cause he made sure of that. He took care of me every way he could till he was sure I reached that peak too but it took me a while I must say. I don't know, things were going through my head. I had images of you and me when he touched me like we did and I felt good but then I tried to block these thoughts of you cause I was with him you know, but then the pleasure decreased cause I was.... I guess it made me nervous.

I shouldn't think so much I know...

But anyway, we did it, things are different now. I'm sure next time I won't think about you so much. It was just because it was the first time after you.

And the first time with a man. The first real time. Ok, I'm lame. You were my first real time. I'm over that shame and denial phase. If I'd known how much over this I would be back then I wouldn't have made such a fuss about it. But things were different. And there was my dad...

Things really are different now.

I know, I'm still not talking about you but it's more because you and I really are private more than because you were a girl. I know that now....

I know it's a bit late and it's a good thing we're not seeing each other anymore cause I would have even more regrets than I do, because thinking I lost you back then cause I did my head in over things that don't matter anymore today is just... foolish, so foolish. I try not to think about it because it makes me mad about myself and so empty then... So I just don't think about it. I think about Angel now.

There's Angel now. My life is different...

I hope he's gonna call me today, and tell me where he is.

Alright, I should probably leave the bookshelves now and go back to class.

I just needed to let this out....

I can't wait to see him... I need this now, I need him around. He has to be there cause... I shouldn't be thinking about you after something like that. He needs to do that for me. What I thought he'd succeeded in doing: making me forget how great you and I were. Cause him and I, we're wonderful too... In that twisted kinda way a vampire and a vampire slayer can be... But the intensity is here.... And I need this.~~

Faith took the fourth letter, she read the date. It was dated the day following Acathla. Faith had checked this and she knew when it happened. She swallowed, thinking of Buffy's feelings, Buffy's pain towards everything that happened in between... She tried to shake her head out of any thoughts of pity for the blonde slayer. She tried to look at the letter as coldly as she would like to look at the blonde girl even if she knew that was never possible... She sighed and started reading carefully.

~~What happened? What happened to my like life? God dammit I can't even write properly. I'm in a bus right now. I'm actually running away from home. I need to take a deep breath right now....

I just can’t stay. I know I have to deal somehow but no I don't... I don't wanna deal anymore, I can't face that anymore. I've just lost everything AGAIN.

And I killed him. I had to. I'd made a monster of him... These last months have been painfully exhausting.

Everyday I tried to get up with a smile and fix it. Tried to avoid thinking or writing to you because I was strong. I'd made a mistake that I thought was worse than any I did with you because that mistake cost lives.... And it cost me love once again. I thought I didn't have the right to think about previous mistakes anymore. I thought somehow it was the reason to everything.

So I tried to fix it... .And I did.... I killed him...

I sent him to Hell... And I think I'm there with him....

Yes, it feels like Hell right now.

I doubt things will ever be right or feel good again so I just can't be reasonable anymore. Nothing feels reasonable.

I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to be broken again. I don't want to have to be strong. I don’t want to be there anymore. I need to go away.

Maybe I'll 'come to my senses' as they could say. Maybe I'll take the bus back to Sunnydale tomorrow, though I doubt it, but for now....

I'm glad New York is so far cause I could even be tempted to go... I'm not even sure you still live there. I'm not gonna try to look anyway. I don’t wanna be tempted. And I know that, even if it feels like 'seeing you' might make me feel better, I know that it probably would be the opposite happening cause I don't know if you would even talk to me. I don't know if I'd been able to talk to you. I don't know how we'd clicked. I think I'd feel even worse remembering what I've lost if I saw you with anyone.. I think... too many things happened. If you'd forgotten about me, if you didn't care anymore it would...

I think I feel bad, no, I feel terrible so I just want to hold on to something good that's why I think of you but that something isn't anymore...

Nothing good exists anymore... Nothing. I just keep losing everything that matters. And there just remain pain and loneliness and bitterness and I don't wanna live this anymore....~~

Faith had to take a deep breath. The paper was crinkled at some points by tears that Buffy probably shed while writing this. Faith took another deep breath. She couldn't help but being heartbroken at that sight.

She took a long glance at the last letter. The envelope was different. It seemed more recent.

She opened it. She read the date and took a deep breath, it was from today. The ink barely had an hour old...

Faith hesitated, she stared at the door.

She stared back at the letter. Her throat clenched with too many emotions. The feelings she'd never been able to erase, the pain she'd never gotten over. The love she'd never stopped needing and wanting... The fear.... The fear of letting herself fall again... And hurt again.

She took a deep breath and lowered her eyes on the written words.

~~I love you~~

Faith's heart clenched in her chest.

~~I know I shouldn't start this letter by that cause you probably don't wanna hear about me anymore. So I know I should start by explaining, or try to. I should tell you that I'm sorry for what happened with Miss Post, that I'm sorry for what happened between us, that what made me break the kiss with Angel was the image of you and how wrong it felt then to be kissing him. I should beg you to believe me that it was the first time it happened. That I really meant to stay away emotionally from him, that I really meant to be honest with you concerning Angel, but I think we've lost enough time. My mind is on overload but I willingly ignore all of this so much the only thought that really matters is you. That I’m in love with you.

And I'm sitting here, which is already hard cause I want to run to you, so, sitting here thinking of how I've been able to be around you these past months and not tell you how much I love you.

I know there were things in the way, like say, time that went by. Bad things that happened in between. Going on with our lives without each other and not knowing how to fit around each other anymore. Things like those that kept the both of us hiding what we truly felt cause I know you wondered about this, and you hid your feelings too.

I didn't think I was hiding anything, I just thought I was trying to do the best thing but screw that, screw what's right or not cause it is so obvious now; the best thing, the best thing that has ever happened to me is you.

The only thing that can always make my heart smile is you, or cry as well when you're not here.

And I’ve realised that, earlier in the mansion everything made sense. Everyone was waiting for explanations or such, waiting to understand and I was standing there and it felt.... I felt ‘what am I even doing here?’ And I ran after you because that was the answer to everything. I was standing there in a room without you and it felt so wrong. I had to get to you, I had to be close, I had to tell you how much I love you, how much I never stopped loving you.

And I know you're trying to find a hundreds of reasons to not believe me right now but there's none. The only thing keeping us apart from each other was us. Nothing else can ever stand in between.

Don't bring my parents into that. I'm not 15 anymore. Don't bring Angel either cause I know for sure now. I know why when I look at him the part of me that keep seeing Angelus is stronger than the part that needs Angel. And why when I look at you the part that longed and loved the young girl it fell in love with is stronger than the part that's wondering about the woman that girl has grown to be. Because I know it's just wondering and craving to know this woman better because she's so beautiful.

And she's sensitive, she's precious, she's secret, she's whole hearted. She is you, she is everything that little girl was because you and me we were true.

You got straight to my heart just like I went straight to you from the beginning.

I know you're also powerful now, and I'm not only talking about the slayer in you. It always was there. I'm talking about the way you held yourself, the way you pulled yourself through all these years without losing that heart of yours. No you didn't, you just hid it, but it's here and it still owns the key to my happiness.

You hold that key which makes you the most powerful woman in the world for me.

I need you, I've never needed anyone like I need you.

I've never loved anyone like I love you.

I don't know if you read the previous letters or not. I don't remember precisely the things I've written on them but I guess they're yours so I wanted you to have them, and most importantly I wanted to give them to you because what I took in from these letters is the feeling that pushed me to write them every time. The feeling that things were wrong because you weren't there. It couldn't be otherwise than wrong then. And I wrote you then every time to make it right.

But it could never be right, not until we were together again like we are meant to be.

I know that sounds lame but yes I am talking about destiny here.

In a town of about 9 millions people, what were the odds that we'd meet like that...? In a country like ours how were the odds that we'd meet again? What were the odds that there would be two of us? If it isn't destiny then I don't know what this is.

Come on don't you think it's crazy?. Slayers? Demons? Vampires? Zombies? This world is just crazy, this life of ours is crazy but I'm not wondering anymore, it is what it is and I only care about how it can't be; without you.

This is the only thing I know for sure; I can't be without you.

I love you Faith. I can't be happy without you and so can't you I know that. You know that.

I'll do anything to get you back. And no I'm not being insanely bold today. I love you and I'll still love you tomorrow and the years after.

And I know I have to make everything that is in my power to keep you here, with me, because I'll regret it till I die if you leave now... I know what it is to live without you and it's not gonna happen again...

I love you.

I love you so much I wanna scream it.

I wanna cry it. I don't know what it'll take but I'll prove it to you. I Love you.

I’ve always loved you and there's just nothing that matters more to me than being with you and making all this pain go away, making you happy like you were, being happy like we were.

Please don't kill me, don't tell me it's too late. Don't tell me it's over. It's never been, it never will be...

Don't run away from me, please, I need you Faith. I love you.

I love you...

I love you....

I need you...

I crave you...

I breathe you...

I can't live without you anymore.... This isn't life... If I lose you.... I won't make it this time because it'd be my entire life I'd have failed and it wouldn't be worth living anymore....

And I know you feel that too. And this is why you're here in Sunnydale. This is why you came...

Because there's no you without me. It doesn't make sense other than you with me and me with you.

Please, just this once, let my words get to you once again. Please.... I need you, I love you...

Please Faith, let us be happy.

I love you,

Buffy~~

Faith swallowed hard. Once again, the paper was crinkled by Buffy's tears and she realized she was very close from crying too. She took deep inspirations, holding the letter very tight in her hands, and suddenly she felt like air was missing. She was suffocating and she got up in a hurry, the letter still in hand and she swung her motel's room door opened.

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